To not be able to cope much longer?

[WhoisRebecca]

Dd is 15 and having therapy with CAMHS after an overdose. They suspect she is autistic. I have done my best for her and I have had a meeting with school this week and got lots of measures in place to support her. I’ve shown her lots of love, taken her for drives, got the food she likes, moved her mattress on to the floor because she decided she hated the expensive cabin bed that she chose, I buy her PlayStation games she likes etc.
She tells me regularly to kill myself, or that I’m a terrible mother and she wants to live with her dad, or that she hopes I die in a car crash. She won’t tell me what she wants to eat for tea or listen to simple instructions. She runs off and goes to the park without telling me where she’s going if I challenge her. If she becomes worked up and angry she self harms or becomes destructive, so I am frightened to provoke her.

Her brother and sister are well adjusted, kind dc and I feel I don’t have time to devote to them. I work full time in a demanding job too. I honestly feel like I can’t take much more. She’s not really engaging with the suggestions her therapist makes and she seems to want to control everything. Normal parenting strategies don’t seem to work on her. I want to keep her safe and protect her, but I’m also struggling to like her at the moment.
I don’t know where to go from here.

It sounds really difficult OP.

Have you tried giving her less autonomy, more boundaries. Lots of autistic people and children find it easier if they need to make fewer decisions and so can concentrate on the important ones.
You decide what's for dinner, schedule after school so that she knows what is going to happen when.

Sounds difficult. Have you looked up PDA and PDA strategies?

Probably going to go against everything everything everyone else is about to tell you but why not give her to her dad for a while andfocus on your other two kids? It sounds like you have exhausted all your options and you other kids deserve the chance of a ‘normal’ childhood where they are the focus.

This sounds a lot like my older sibling growing up. We’re super close now (and they’re now as well-adjusted as the rest of us!) but they were struggling a lot at 15 and acted in similar ways to your DD.

I don’t have any advice because I was only a kid and I’m sure it all comes down to specifics, but just wanted to say that it gets better. It’s a horrible age when you’re struggling for freedom but still need your parents’ love and support. As long as you keep giving her that the way you are, she’ll get through fit

I'd arrange for her to live with her Dad as she wants to so much. Why should you have to deal with all this?

Agree with PP - one is setting boundaries/less autonomy so it’s not as much for her to think about.

But also - is there any reason she can’t go live with her dad for a while?

I think for the sake of your other 2 DC’s I’d let her stay with her dad too. And you. You need a break, you can’t carry all of this stress on your own and neither than the other two kids. Take time for you xx

It sounds really tough op. Stop, and breathe for a moment. It sounds like dd is overwhelmed. She is also lashing out at you, you're her safe space.

Say less, small direct instructions, her name first. "x dinner is A at 6". At 6pm "x dinner, let's eat".

Less noise, more visability will help, so speak less, but a shoulder or hand squeeze, or sat beside her.

Dd has been triggered and is spiralling. You need to let her reset. Calm safe space.

Contact the senco at school for support, reach out to the autism education Trust, Google your county name local offer, it will throw up the county send support, they're the go between for school and the families. They will help with ehcp, which will take time, but will help with support long term.

Kindness to dd, to yourself, to your other DC is what is needed. Each day is a reset, a new day.

Very clear boundaries will help.

Good luck and best wishes for your dd.

@Patriciathestripper1

Probably going to go against everything everything everyone else is about to tell you but why not give her to her dad for a while andfocus on your other two kids? It sounds like you have exhausted all your options and you other kids deserve the chance of a ‘normal’ childhood where they are the focus.

I was also thinking this.

Much love. Going through similar with our DD, who is slightly younger. She says similar things and generally, daily life is just so challenging and exhausting for us all.

Dd is Autistic - look up Autism in girls and possible PDA, there are good PDA Groups on Facebook too.

Hugs x

Her dad lives an hour away, so too far for school. His house is disgusting, they have loads of cats and it smells. I would prefer her not to go there at all if I could stop her.

I’ll try more direct instructions. Yesterday I ended up not making anything for her because she wouldn’t answer me. I just thought, suit yourself then. If her dad was a decent parent I would absolutely send her there, but he isn’t.

I’m feeling really down myself. Withdrawn, don’t want to talk to anyone about it. I feel ashamed and a failure.

I think you should adopt the suit yourself line more. It sounds abusive what she is doing to you. I'm sure your other dc are really struggling too. Can you send her to her dad's as she wants.

Her dad's house is dirty and not suitable. It’s too far from school. She goes every other weekend even though I would prefer her not to.

Despite what you have written about him, I do actually still think you should send her to dad. She needs to see it is not the jolly rose tinted life she thinks it will be with him.

She would have to change schools. That’s not an option. She could go at weekends and holidays. It upsets me when she comes back stinking of cat wee though. Her brother and sister don’t go because I think it’s a safeguarding issue, but she’s 15, very hostile and insists that she goes.

I feel for you op. It's sound really tough.

Easter holidays coming up. Can she stay at her dads then? Just to give you a break?
I agree with pp. if she’s feeling overwhelmed then asking her what she wants for dinner is just another decision she has to make.,take back the control from her, you decide what’s for dinner. Make a meal plan for the week, stick it on the fridge and she can see what’s for dinner each day. If she doesn’t eat it then that’s her choice.
Have a family movie night over the weekend, with all the kids, if she takes part then great, if not then at least you’re spending time with the other two.
How old are your other children?
It does sound very difficult and I really hope she gets the help she needs.

My other dc are 11 and 13 and both beautifully behaved, kind children. I think otherwise I would be thinking this was all my fault. I’ll do that, offer a meal, tell her the time and she can take it or leave it. She could stay at her dads over Easter - I just feel terrible because I know it’s not a great environment for her at all. It is genuinely disgusting there and her dad isn’t the kind of example I want for her either. I’m scared that I’ll lose her completely. But then that seems to be what she wants. She did get upset once when I got frustrated and said that she could go and live at her dad’s if she liked it so much. He doesn’t see this behaviour.

I think if I knew there was an end in sight, I could cope. But what if she’s 20 and I’m still dealing with this?

She will most probably be 20 and even worse op. There needs to be a line. Yes she might be dealing with some challenges, but there is never a good enough reason for abuse. She is abusing you. And her behavior is not a good enough reason for her siblings to grow up in such an environment. Maybe the others are so good because they are trying to overcompensate for her which isn't fair to them. Good idea to set a meal plan for the week, ask her for input. If she ignores you then tough for her. Same with activities, just get on with it with your other kids. If she doesn't want to participate then tough.
I think send her to her dad's for Easter. Why should you and the other kids weekend be spoiled. They need a break as well.

You say she is autistic, and wants to move to get Dads ?
You don't want this as his house is a mess. You also said he doesn't see / get her behaviour at his house. Is she not autistic at his house then ?
I see you say it has been put to you she is autistic, but surely this cannot be turned on or off depending on where she is staying ? I would query this.
Another saying time living at her father's could be better for you both. At 15 she is old enough to decide whether living in a clean house or a dirty one is preferred.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. 15 is such a difficult age, and not only are there hormones playing all sorts of havoc, there has also been the Covid crisis and teenagers also have social media to deal with which is causing huge mental health issues. Has anyone suggested that she try medication? My DD started on a very low dose of fluoxetine at the end of last year (liquid) and gradually built it up, it has enabled her to engage with counselling much better and has made a huge difference.

Really sorry you are going through this, I know how much it can affect your own mental health as well, I hope you are getting support too. Please feel free to PM me if it would help at all. xx

Autism can be masked. It’s not me who says she autistic, it’s the professionals working with her. Changing school now would be a disaster for her. She’s my child, so despite her behaviour, I can’t completely turn my back on her.