To not be able to cope much longer?

[WhoisRebecca]

Dd is 15 and having therapy with CAMHS after an overdose. They suspect she is autistic. I have done my best for her and I have had a meeting with school this week and got lots of measures in place to support her. I’ve shown her lots of love, taken her for drives, got the food she likes, moved her mattress on to the floor because she decided she hated the expensive cabin bed that she chose, I buy her PlayStation games she likes etc.
She tells me regularly to kill myself, or that I’m a terrible mother and she wants to live with her dad, or that she hopes I die in a car crash. She won’t tell me what she wants to eat for tea or listen to simple instructions. She runs off and goes to the park without telling me where she’s going if I challenge her. If she becomes worked up and angry she self harms or becomes destructive, so I am frightened to provoke her.

Her brother and sister are well adjusted, kind dc and I feel I don’t have time to devote to them. I work full time in a demanding job too. I honestly feel like I can’t take much more. She’s not really engaging with the suggestions her therapist makes and she seems to want to control everything. Normal parenting strategies don’t seem to work on her. I want to keep her safe and protect her, but I’m also struggling to like her at the moment.
I don’t know where to go from here.

@Moomoolandmoomooland

Despite what you have written about him, I do actually still think you should send her to dad. She needs to see it is not the jolly rose tinted life she thinks it will be with him.

What an awful thing to suggest.

Surely it's about what's best for DD and not the easier option just to off load her?!

OP you are amazing to be coping as well as you are and you are the best thing for her.

Does she do any activities that calm her? Anything that encourages her self esteem? It's so hard with lockdown but once things start to open again, are there any activities you could potentially sign her up to? I'm thinking the busier she is, the less self-destructive energy she may have. Building confidence and helping her to learn coping mechanisms will be so good for her. It sounds like she's a sensitive girl and easily gets overwhelmed. Add that with hormones, a year of Covid and being unsettled, no wonder she's struggling.

I agree with clear boundaries set by you, and a routine - you can do this. :)

I’m not sure she will realise she’s abusing you as she is autistic. What you need is help to manage her behaviour. Obviously you can’t go on like this, but I agree that sending her to her dads will probably make everything worse long term. Would he even try to set boundaries? If she’s better behaved with him it’s almost certainly because she doesn’t feel as safe there. Unfortunately she bottles all of her stress throughout the day up as she is an autistic girl, and she passes it onto you when she feels safe to do so.

The best thing you can do is try to keep the environment at home ‘simple’ she comes home and no more decisions to be made regarding dinner. She has a routine every night where she knows what is going to happen and when. Perhaps you run a bath at 8:30 every night for her, or she watches TV at 7:30 and reads from 9PM. Try to settle into one. It’s probably becoming more apparent now as you’re letting her make these decisions as she gets older. She’s not ready and quite possibly never will be. That doesn’t mean she won’t move out, she will just have her routines outside of the home that’s all.

A lot of girls get diagnosed later in life as they’re so good at masking. Masking is exhausting for her, it’s not you that’s making her like this at all. Maybe explain to your other children why your daughter is behaving this way, and that sometimes she can get stressed due to the way her brain is wired.

OP, you have been doing your best, but some cat piss or lax parenting from her dad isn't going to make this worse. Tell her she'll be staying with him the whole of the Easter holidays and every other half-term and holiday too. 6 weeks in the summer. Pack her a bag of cleaning materials for her dad's house and wish her a good time. She is almost an adult.

This sounds like a really hard situation. There are two things that stand out for me from your post. One is that you sound exhausted. Can you get a break at all? Can anyone help? What kind of self care do you have in place? If you think you don't have time for self care please Google Compassion fatigue - it's a very real problem for parents abs carers - especially at the moment and if you're not caring for yourself, you just simply won't be able to care for anyone else.
The second thing is it sounds like you believe your daughter can control her behaviour. There is a very real possibility that she can't especially if it does turn out that she has autism or even just a trauma that she is recovering from. You mentioned that standard parenting doesn't work - and it won't if you're child has additional needs. I have a son with additional needs and we started doing something called therapeutic parenting (there are books and information online) which was amazing for understanding what my child was going through and helping them to feel understood which then helped get to the root of the problem. It's a process but we found that it totally transformed our household for all our children.
I hope you find some help soon as it sounds like a horrible situation for all of you.

You sound as though you are doing your very best.
I've been not so far from where you are now.

I discovered something that helped me and my daughter. it was via a link I was sent about a new way to parent. I thought no, parenting an autistic child doesn't slot into conventional methods.

This is different. It's called Trauma informed Parenting. Having talked it through with CAMHS it has lots of similarities with Dialectic Behavioural Therapy that they use with youngsters with autism.

It's based on validation. It was a real eye opener. With autism comes trauma, simply because at best the child is trying to fit into a neuro-typical world, at worst because of heavy handed approaches.

This approach seeks to validate the child, and give them the space to behave as they need however rude and antisocial that might be. It also gives them and us, the tools and opportunity to reflect and make changes. It's the only model of parenting I respect.

Gentle changes made positive outcomes. I spent so many years trying to parent based on consequences and boundaries. Then when nothing worked I needed to find a different way. I'm now finding different ways to communicate and reach my child (16).

My advice to myself 5 years ago would have been to do the Trauma informed Parenting course! It was 4 hours that transformed our world. The lady that runs it is in Glasgow, Scotland, it's an online course. If you Google this it comes up in the search.

Good post @Thehawki

Thank you, I’ll take the time to properly read later as just on my lunch break. She’s having DBT with CAMHS now, actually. Maybe trauma informed parenting could be worth looking into.

Is she definitely autistic, have you had a diagnosis? She sounds very abusive towards you which is not acceptable. Is she abusive to her dad too?

The diagnostic process is lengthy so we are going through it now. Her therapist at CAMHS thinks so, though she isn’t qualified to diagnose, she is aware of the traits. I am convinced she is - her behaviour and need to control her environment would fit. She stims and talks over people and struggles immensely with relationships.

It got worse today. She had a CAMHS appointment that she wouldn’t engage in, about from saying how awful I was and how she wanted me to kill myself. And saying how wonderful her dad was. The therapist suggested early help - to provide some additional support with parenting strategies, but I feel like this is the first step towards social services etc. I feel humiliated- I’m a teacher and I can’t parent my own child. I feel bullied and abused tbh.

Send her to her father's. She cannot abuse you this way. It must be traumatizing for your other dc to hear how you should kill yourself. Yes you might be her safe space, etc etc but that doesn't mean you have to accept the abuse. I think you all need a breather from her.

What do I do about school?

If she has ASD then her emotional maturity will be roughly two thirds of her chronological age.

In other words, she is emotionally a ten year old dealing with the hormonal malestrom that is puberty. Small wonder she can't cope!

I really would advise taking the therapist's help - they may be able to suggest strategies for dealing with children with ASD at this age. If she is adequately housed and fed I doubt social services would be remotely interested tbh.

I will let early help offer support then. We have a lovely clean home and she has plenty of food to eat. She is on her period at the moment so the mention of puberty got me thinking that could be a factor too. I’ve just got private healthcare for her so maybe we can get more help.

I have a job interview for a great new job next week, every other area of my life is going so well - but I’m wondering how long I can keep all the plates spinning.

Send her for the weekend if you can. A few days of space for you all.

She’s going to go this weekend, so that will be helpful. I have reservations about the cleanliness and care provided at her dads, but she behaves beautifully for him, so she’s obviously happier there.

@WhoisRebecca

She’s going to go this weekend, so that will be helpful. I have reservations about the cleanliness and care provided at her dads, but she behaves beautifully for him, so she’s obviously happier there.

I suspect she feels 100% safe and loved with you and that's why she has her meltdowns and pushes you the way she does.

You will come through this

Thank you . The private healthcare might help. Hopefully we can access more support.

She’s deliberately not come home from the village with her friend so I haven’t been able to take her to her dads.

@WhoisRebecca

She’s deliberately not come home from the village with her friend so I haven’t been able to take her to her dads.

This says a lot about what is isn't saying. She feels secure with you. She's able to sound off and not be afraid of rejection. That speaks volumes of a secure bond. Traumatic for you though.

Her behaving for him is not necessarily a sign of being more comfortable , more that she can repress it and take her pent up feelings out on you. I bet if she were there longer she would have an outburst at some point. How is she at school?

She’s fine behaviour wise but she can’t cope with spending all day in a classroom. She works on her own half the day because she gets stressed. I fought for that support, which is why it hurts so much when she rejects me.

She came home late, so I said I would still take her to her dads, but after we had eaten. This allowed me to take back control without confrontation, which worked.

She’s at her dad’s. I’m going to try to relax tonight.