To not be able to cope much longer?

[WhoisRebecca]

Dd is 15 and having therapy with CAMHS after an overdose. They suspect she is autistic. I have done my best for her and I have had a meeting with school this week and got lots of measures in place to support her. I’ve shown her lots of love, taken her for drives, got the food she likes, moved her mattress on to the floor because she decided she hated the expensive cabin bed that she chose, I buy her PlayStation games she likes etc.
She tells me regularly to kill myself, or that I’m a terrible mother and she wants to live with her dad, or that she hopes I die in a car crash. She won’t tell me what she wants to eat for tea or listen to simple instructions. She runs off and goes to the park without telling me where she’s going if I challenge her. If she becomes worked up and angry she self harms or becomes destructive, so I am frightened to provoke her.

Her brother and sister are well adjusted, kind dc and I feel I don’t have time to devote to them. I work full time in a demanding job too. I honestly feel like I can’t take much more. She’s not really engaging with the suggestions her therapist makes and she seems to want to control everything. Normal parenting strategies don’t seem to work on her. I want to keep her safe and protect her, but I’m also struggling to like her at the moment.
I don’t know where to go from here.

I still feel horrendous. I am dreading her coming back I am frightened to say no to her.

Let her live with her dad. You need a break from her op. You have other dc to be there for as well. They probably need a break from her too.

I can’t because of her school.

@DianaT1969

OP, you have been doing your best, but some cat piss or lax parenting from her dad isn't going to make this worse. Tell her she'll be staying with him the whole of the Easter holidays and every other half-term and holiday too. 6 weeks in the summer. Pack her a bag of cleaning materials for her dad's house and wish her a good time. She is almost an adult.

I agree with this. Plus if she actually wants to live with dad and her behaviour there is better that's great . Lots of teens change schools so it's not a big deal.

She doesn’t actually want to. When I say that, she says ‘You want rid of me then?’ and she does not want to change schools. She then says she doesn’t want to live anywhere and she’ll run away and end up in a foster home like Tracy Beaker.
To be clear, if she lives at her dad's she will go to school absolutely reeking of cat wee, because that’s what she smells like when she returns here.

She wouldn’t be able to mask permanently and I very much doubt her dad and stepmum would have her living there full time. There’s no room for a start. They have 3 dc and a number of cats in the high teens!

An ASD teen who is only in school because of the programme of incredible support we’ve worked together to put in place for her cannot just change schools either. She was on the verge of becoming a school refuser.

You've clearly done a fantastic job with her. You need support from SS because they will have her longer term future in mind. You need to be clear in your mind that this can't go on indefinitely. She needs to move out and become independent at the usual time.

You need to start detaching yourself, though, hard though it is. You can't micromanage her the way you have always needed to, as she gets older. That isn't a criticism, all parents go through it as their children do the teen thing, but it's harder for you because of her additional needs -you know she's not yet ready to be independent.

Use the meal strategy (serving a meal that she eats or leaves) on other areas as well. Fewer attempts to persuade her to be nice, stop buying her treats. Step back a bit.

I’ll try the private healthcare first, I’m worried that early help intervention will mean I have to attend meetings during work time - whereas private healthcare is more flexible. I’ve already had half a day a week off for CAMHS. I know that sounds selfish, but my career is something I love and am good at. I think I’d resent dd if I lost that as well.

Just to let you know the parenting course is offered to all parents who believe their children may have ASD by CAMHS. I'm a social worker who has delivered parenting programmes myself, and in our first appointment was told a parenting course would be useful.
Early help are not that bad you might find they have access to resources which are useful.

Thank you, that makes me feel better. I would be happy to have some resources to access, I just don’t want to be expected to attend loads of meeting during the working day - work have been really supportive, but there’s a limit! If they could work around me a bit, that would be helpful.