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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this a bit weird ?

91 replies

Flowers24 · 17/03/2021 16:42

I often chat to a guy in another department at work when we were office based, just a chat here and there, we linked up on Fb and chatted now and again on messenger. Now he is messaging me daily and even said he saw me come to the office the other day (I had to collect something, didnt know he was there) and said have I done my hair as i looked amazing.....next he is asking me to meet him early one morning so we can walk alone in a woodland area he knows and really enjoy each others company. I politely said that sounds nice and he said ' I want to go tomorrow now' so I made excuses.
He is married with kids too and what seemed a friendship with a work colleage now feels a bit weird. He wanted me to message him the other morning when he woke up as needs his fix of me.

Should I back away?

OP posts:
scrivette · 17/03/2021 19:41

I feel for you OP, what you thought was an innocent friendship has turned into something more than you were expecting.

He is definitely after something more so it's time to step away.

Defmy · 18/03/2021 00:44

nobody is that naive

Don't be mean. I am that naive...

Alonelonelyloner · 18/03/2021 06:43

It's really depressing when this happens.
It's happened to me so many times when I was younger and men think in such a way (and I'm only now becoming really cognisant of it) that I now wonder whenever I'm chatting with a colleague (especially a younger one. They are all male) whether they worry that I am hitting on them just by asking them how they are and telling them I like their new shirt!

It's ridiculous. Men do this all the time. I had one guy who after knowing him at work for a couple of years send me a dozen red roses. When I told him that it was a wonderful gesture but not entirely appropriate he told me 'how was he to know??? I had a look in my eye when I looked at him'. I kid you not. A look in my eye.
I'm so done with these bastards. My partner is a guy I worked with and I thought I was flirting with him outrageously for years and why did he not get the signals. He said, 'we were work collleagues! Why would I look for signals?!' This made me almost instantly fall in love with the guy.

FishWithoutABike · 18/03/2021 06:53

@FuckyouCovid21

If you don't want the attention, not sure why you didn't shut him down when he started getting personal i.e. mentioning your hair. Just block him is the simplest solution
Reply like this are a very interesting insight into how women are made to feel responsible for male inappropriateness. All she has done is not completely shut him down but somehow she is leading him on? When you work with someone telling them to fuck off just because they messaged you too many times will make you look like a cold bitch but if you don’t then you must want to have sex with them?? Women can’t win.
FuckyouCovid21 · 18/03/2021 07:28

I never said she was leading him on, if she'd shut him down at the beginning she wouldn't be here now. I'd have no issues telling him to get to fuck as soon as he started with the personal chat, if that makes me a cold bitch then so be it. Sad that you think a woman standing up for herself is a cold bitch though

longwayoff · 18/03/2021 08:12

Oh a lovely woodland walk, how delightful. This is a man you shouldn't even share the lift with, as you know. Tell him to piss off.

knittingaddict · 18/03/2021 08:28

A walk in quiet woodland in the early hours? Serial killer?

OldEvilOwl · 18/03/2021 08:47

You need to make it clear your not interested then block him

Original poster
Flowers24 · 18/03/2021 08:48

Thanks all, tbh the initial chats were just as you would with any friend i.e chatting about our teens, covid etc then the odd comments here and there made me feel odd , such as talking to me keeps him going, nothing is a problem for me , then the one that rang the alarm bells was have I done my hair and how I looked amazing the other day , after that comment I posted here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flowers24 · 18/03/2021 08:52

The woodland walk conversation started off innocenly too, chatting about lockdown, I said I like walking etc , he says join me on a dog walk one day , then after lockdown should meet up and walk.at a nearby nature reserve area , I honestly thought a few of us meeting so said sounds nice , then he says of we meet early one morning we can really enjoy each others company, that's when it got weird.

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 18/03/2021 08:52

“
So is it weird to tell a woman her hair is good, she looks amazing , walks in secluded areas, messaging daily, i have been naive thinking we were just work friends and now its in bright neon lights that he is after a lot more ....................“

Yes it’s very weird. That would be weird if you were both single. You’re both married so it’s clear what he’s after here.

FTEngineerM · 18/03/2021 08:57

such as talking to me keeps him going

Yeah with this I’d have probably replied ‘is your life that boring you absolute weirdo’

I’m not saying it’s any woman’s fault creepy men are creepy because if it’s not you he’ll be doing it to someone else, know that!, but IMO women are too polite in these situations. It’s absolutely fine to remind people where boundaries are and if it hurts their feelings.. oops.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2021 08:59

as women can be mates with men right?

That’s what creepy men and all those that apologise for them would have you think. He doesn’t believe that at all.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 18/03/2021 09:03

Thanks , feel.stupid for only realising he was after this all the time. At work he was the quiet geeky guy not many people spoke to , I always chatted to him, never expected him to be like this. Eeeekkm

OP posts:
MNHQ
JoanneMumsnet · 18/03/2021 09:08

Thanks for the reports about this thread. Unfortunately we have a few concerns here so we're taking this one down while we investigate further.

MNHQ
JoanneMumsnet · 18/03/2021 11:56

UPDATE: We've had a look and are happy to reinstate this thread now.

ContessaDiPulpo · 18/03/2021 12:46

I'd message him the following OP:

Actually I have to admit I misunderstood your original message about going for a walk - I thought you meant to get the families together for a walk, not just us two. That's more of a date activity in my opinion, to be honest. Also, I'm finding the focus on my appearance a bit uncomfortable and would appreciate it if you'd stop commenting on it please.

The reply to the above will tell you a great deal, I think.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 18/03/2021 12:57

So what stopped you from saying, “When I agreed a walk would be nice, I naturally assumed you meant with our spouses and children. I don’t think a walk just the two of us would be appropriate. On a similar note, I don’t appreciate you making comments about my appearance and your comments about these messages keeping you going are making me feel uncomfortable. I’d like to maintain a friendly, respectful relationship that’s appropriate for colleagues. I have to make it clear I am not interested in anything further than that.” ?

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 18/03/2021 12:59

Cross posted with Contessa above. See that the advice is similar. Please do take our advice onboard. If it continues or escalates go to HR. You do need to make it clear to him that you are not interested and uncomfortable.

Original poster
Flowers24 · 18/03/2021 13:30

I will.do , Im.going to tell him as he has sent me a few messages this week and I have not opened them yet.

OP posts:
LucieStar · 18/03/2021 13:50

OP this does sound very odd. I have a number of male friends at work who I also at times message outside of work, but if the conversation turned to early walks together and me making him feel better etc I'd be shutting that right down! His agenda has obviously changed at some point, from what you've said.

LilMidge01 · 18/03/2021 13:50

@Flowers24

Hi, the walk i didnt think anything off tbh as go for walks with friends (lockdown permitting) as at first he said come and join us on a dog walk, then changed to this remote woodland early in the morning.

The hair comment only happened when he messaged me at the weekend, I have not replied since then, i felt awkward when he said I looked amazing so just said thanks??!

Yeah friends go for walks...but you've made it clear that you arent particularly friends, just work colleagues. There are some work colleagues I get on very well with/banter with but wouldnt meet up outside of work as 'friends' because its just not that kind of relationship (obviously some work colleagues do make that leap but sounds like this one was not one of them).

I think you have been incredibly naive. Not necessarily your fault, but nip it in the bud now before you get drawn in too much further/someone else (his wife!) sees those messages and thinks you are complicit in this....

LilMidge01 · 18/03/2021 13:52

@ContessaDiPulpo

I'd message him the following OP:

Actually I have to admit I misunderstood your original message about going for a walk - I thought you meant to get the families together for a walk, not just us two. That's more of a date activity in my opinion, to be honest. Also, I'm finding the focus on my appearance a bit uncomfortable and would appreciate it if you'd stop commenting on it please.

The reply to the above will tell you a great deal, I think.

yeah this. make your misunderstanding clear and that you were not at any point leading on...you just misunderstood
Bluesheep8 · 18/03/2021 14:21

to be honest the woodland walk i mis read at first as thought he had typed when we can we can meet for a walk early one morning, i thought he meant him & his wife etc, and me and my husband and the kids, said 'that sounds nice' then realised he meant just me and him. ....

Eh? You initially thought he meant with his wife and your husband and kids? Confused

LadyCatStark · 18/03/2021 14:46

@Flowers24

The woodland walk conversation started off innocenly too, chatting about lockdown, I said I like walking etc , he says join me on a dog walk one day , then after lockdown should meet up and walk.at a nearby nature reserve area , I honestly thought a few of us meeting so said sounds nice , then he says of we meet early one morning we can really enjoy each others company, that's when it got weird.
You know that by ‘really enjoy each other’s company’ he means a quickie in the woods right??
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