If anyone on here has been involved with someone in addiction recovery

[Starsstillshinex]

I would like to see if some of the behaviours I've experienced with a man only 10 months sober are typical of recovering addicts or just the way he is.

Gave up alcohol ten months ago after a suicide attempt.

Met me 5 months ago.

Moods are up and down up an down. Some weeks he's obsessed with me sexually. Then the next he's down. Quiet. Wont give much away but gets really angry if you offer space.

Selfish behaviour. He can be mardy. Rude. Blunt. Cheeky. Happy. Sad. Funny. Positive etc. But if I dare to have a low day or question anything about his commitment he flies off the handle and I get blocked. Dumped etc.

Not eating properly and underweight.

Seems to have broken relationships around him with everyone. his dad. His ex's. His brother. His daughter. His ex wife. He has alot of stories about sex and he's always the innocent man that some women has come onto. Always got a women bothering him.

Putting me down in small ways. Whys your hair that long? Why don't you work. I think when mums stay home with toddlers they have nothing to talk about....

He calls me an overthinker if I ask him about the future as I have children. It's like he doesn't understand how big a responsibility kids are. Sometimes he talks with excitement about taking them places etc.

Seems to blame everyone else for everything but loves his deceased mum. He is carrying massive amounts of grief over her still. He claims she brought him up properly and to treat women properly. Sadly he does the opposite of this and seems to treat women like things he can discard when he's not interested.

He got rid of me last Tuesday after a small question. He text me back when I asked yesterday if he was ok. Then proceeded to say he didn't mind if I occasionally text as he isn't evil. Followed by the fact he doesn't miss me at all! So I blocked him and I've walked away. I wrote on here yesterday but got no replies.

Would love to speak with other people affected by addiction.thanks.

Not been involved with anything like this, no. But if I were you I would erase this man from your life PDQ. No good will come of it - ever.

Generally speaking it is advised to people in recovery to have at least 12 months sobriety behind them before they even think about a relationship. He should really be focusing on his recovery, and it doesn't sound like he is.

I'd run.

He sounds like a nightmare.

Could be that he's acting like an arsehole due to his addiction issues. Could be something else. Do you really want to stick around and figure it out? It would be different if it was someone you'd known for a long time. Then you might consider putting in what sounds like a lot of work for them. But given that you've no previous ties, can you be arsed?

When I was very young I got into a very tangled relationship with an alcoholic. He did go into rehab but lapsed soon after. He was also not very nice person, frankly, extremely manipulative. Anyway it didn't last long but those few months certainly had an impact on my thinking.

Does it really matter whether the miles of red flag bunting waving in that gale force wind are to do with his addictions, or simply due the fact he's an arsehole to you? The end result is the same.

If only I could make you see what the last few months have been like. I thought I was happy. But now I realise what was going on. The list of problems he has are huge. But be was able to still be very charming and say exactly the right things. Perhaps I was love bombed. Although I've clicked on really quickly to his ways. I've spoken to a women this week he slept with two years ago. She was married and he claimed it was a one night stand after he seperated from his ex. It turns out he's still on and off messaging her and blocking her now. So I found out he lied to me about her. He told me she has harassed him since the one off.

He's got chronic pain. He's depressed. He's typical alpha. Was a bad boy in the past. He's not a hard core drug user or anything. He did pills 20 years ago in his youth. He's occasionally smoked weed in the last few years. He has done the fighting and scrapping in the past.

I thought he left his ex because they grew apart. I've since been told they split because he kept cheating. Although I don't know for sure as the ex is still friendly with him (not sure if it's because of the suicide thing) he was definitely not over her and had stuff of hers in his new house. He made it sound like he left their home and left her with everything . But now I've been told be was rubbish with money and she was always bailing him out. So his stories don't add up with this either.

He's nearly 50. He's got no savings. No property. His cars off the road. He's got no family around him.

I'm the opposite. Mid 30s. Have a mortgage and children. I'm sensible. But somehow I bought into this mans Image.

I know he has major depression and he feels worthless and sometimes he can't look at himself. I know he puts on ahugeeee front for everyone else. It's all quite sad. But the way he's treated me is not excusable.

I even lent him money and he sent half back a few days ago and still proceeded to tell me he didn't miss me and no thank you or anything.

So there's alot of red flags. This is only a small snippet of his behaviour. I could say alot more but the post would drag.

I've only learned in the last few days what's been going on and I feel ill.

@CongealedCrags

Yes it matters. When you are the one who's suffered all this emotional abuse and your whole life is changed overnight it matters. I am trying to untangle it all because it's really affected me and my health. I want others to help me make sense. I would love to just switch off but feelings don't change that easily.

Does it have to be tied to his addiction?

Maybe he's just a cunt.

You're well rid.

I wonder if you are a bit of a 'rescuer'. I dated an alcoholic years ago. It was so volatile. We never lived together but I hated being 'the grown up'. He was always shit with money too.

I'm an addict in recovery and have loads of lovely people I know who are properly using their recovery to heal any unresolved trauma (we all seem to have it to some extent) but equally there are men of the type you describe who are "dry" in that they don't drink but they are toxic to be around and they don't deal with their behaviours. It is recommended you stay out of relationships for the first year, some people even say 2 years. I'd get away from this man. He doesn't sound like he is nice to you and he's brought toxicity into your lovely life that you don't deserve or have to deal with.

And there is a saying in recovery - an alcoholic horse thief who gets sober is still a horse thief. I.e if you are an arsehole then getting sober makes you a sober arsehole unless you properly do the work to seek and be rid of the behaviours you describe. Plenty people I know have put in the work and it's available to all in recovery. Most people don't do it though.

@jessstan2
It's amazing how just a few months wrecks you. It's completely changed me. I was such a smart women I thought I would never be played like this.

I didn't see what was right under my nose and I'm ashamed and embarassed about the things we shared now. I don't think he even realises this isn't how you treat people that were there.

He's never done any meetings and he's choosen to just work and crack on. So I think he has managed to kick the booze but has failed to function normally

What has caused you to give this total bellend and trainwreck the time of? Honestly, why is your self-worth so low? He's an abusive twat. You shouldn't have gone anywhere near him! His major problem is that he's a total cock.

Just STOP bloody dating until you do some serious work on your self-esteem rather than wasting a second of your life on total loser cunts like this.

You need some serious therapy, that's where you should be spending your money, before you even consider a single date because you've got 'Abuse Me' written across your forehead.

Start with the Freedom Programme.

Work on you, not this complete wanker excuse for a man.

OP read back your initial post - why would you bother with a man who treats you this way? If your best friend had written that, what would you honestly advise them to do?

You are only 5 months in, get out now!

Addict or not, his behavior towards you isn't on.

After overcoming addiction, there's a lot of mental "work" to be done, incl. counselling and often anti-depressants. We're advised not to enter into romantic relationships until we've done that. His addiction to alcohol will have likely been an attempt to medicate away some trauma, and that trauma will still be there when the drinking ceases. Anger/shame are the first emotions to crop up and need working through, not leveling at a new partner.

As a comparison, I've been clean for a year and wouldn't even consider a romantic relationship yet, and may not ever. I would walk away from this one OP, relationships don't have to be this angsty.

He sounds very narcissistic. Maybe check out Al-Anon? It's a support group for families/partners of addicts. It might help you process it all, and do try and speak to a counsellor. It seems to me that the addict or narcissist is often the centre of the drama. It's easy to end up in the whirlpool with them and it can feel like drowning. Time to step away and look after yourself. It will take time to untangle xx

You need to say:

I'm sorry to say but the relationship isn't working for me. This isn't what I want, and it will never be what I want. I won't be explaining further - it's over. I wish you well in your recovery. Goodbye.

Seems to blame everyone else for everything

This is a very typical addict mentality. How sure are you that he's not still drinking secretly?

@moirarosebabay

Thank you for your reply. That's the trouble he was in hospital for a few weeks after the suicide attempt but he then came home and did the rest alone. He went back to work full-time and in the evenings he just sits at home by himself with his dog. his weekends are the same just him and his dog. Often sleeps the day away. I've never known him to see anyone or go anywhere in the time I knew him.

I can definitely tell he's walking around with a massive anger around him. I listen to how he speaks to people at work when he's on the phone to me and and his attitude in general. he seems to put other people down a lot to me and he's always bigging up himself. Nobody else is as good as him at a job apart from the odd person that he will say is better than him.

I didn't realise I was trying to rescue him. I think I just bought his story and believed he was this man having this fresh start. I thought he wwasa hard-working strong person who got back from rock bottom and
Was surviving. I think I felt like I wanted to show him how much he was worth. I felt like he deserved family around him again and someone to come home to. Long term we talked about living together and just having a nice little garden. I just wanted him to succeed and hoped I would be part of his future. In return I hoped he would be a good role model for my children. I see now that was silly of me and he's not stable enough to be with kids.

from me going over everything that's happened I think he's replaced everything else with women. he's not necessarily having sex with these women but he likes to have a little flirt. I've always noticed he has stories about people close to him whose partners wanted to sleep with him. That seems to have happened to him a lot of times in his life, so he seems to have some kind of need to feel he could take somebody else's property almost. as I said in the other post he's been messing a married woman around for 2 years now with just messages and telling her he loved her. She's so gullible and seems to be hanging onto him. He lives two hours from her and has threatened to tell her husband as she has filled me in.

I just don't understand why he is doing this. I know it's not my problem but it's so frustrating. I have exhausted myself being there for him. Like at Christmas when he was alone for the whole event and he didn't celebrate it. I remember him being awake at 4 am feeling down so I called him and whispered to him for a couple of hours in bed so he didn't feel alone. I could go on all day like I say about all these little things I did and and I don't think I'll ever understand how he has turned on me the way he has.

Also I've never neglected my kids. I love them. But I know I've been distracted and have not been enjoying time with them as I've been wrapped up in him. That's the saddest part. He sucked so much out of me until I seemed to live every day and night around him.

@willibald

What has caused you to give this total bellend and trainwreck the time of? Honestly, why is your self-worth so low? He's an abusive twat. You shouldn't have gone anywhere near him! His major problem is that he's a total cock.

Just STOP bloody dating until you do some serious work on your self-esteem rather than wasting a second of your life on total loser cunts like this.

You need some serious therapy, that's where you should be spending your money, before you even consider a single date because you've got 'Abuse Me' written across your forehead.

Start with the Freedom Programme.

Work on you, not this complete wanker excuse for a man.

Seconded.

Alanon Family Groups is for anyone who’s been affected by someone’s drinking whether the drinking/addiction is still happening or not and whether the relationship is ongoing or not.

It helps me understand why I can make unwise decisions around alcoholics whether they are drinking or sober / in recovery.

The Freedom Programme saved my life 15 years ago.

Best of luck.

Basically I think you're a rescuer, probably one of many he's met and then used and abused.
He's a total arse, unworthy of you or your care,
Block, delete, go no contact. There's absolutely nothing to be gained from this man.
Raise your expectations and experiences and then you'll find respect and being someone's priority will be your future.
Ask yourself a simple question - would you like your child to be with a man like him?

OP how he lives - no friends, never going anywhere, being angry at everyone, making up contrived plots and power struggles to avoid thinking about the massive major struggle that he's got ahead of him if he ever is going to have a functioning life - that is a reality, of sorts. But it's his reality, not yours. You don't see the world like that, you don't live like that. You didn't realise when you met him but he's shown you and to a degree invited you for a little fucked up holiday into that world. You don't like it there. Get your passport, get out and leave him to his grey angry place.

This is exhausting to read. Dont waste another second of your time and brain space on him.