If anyone on here has been involved with someone in addiction recovery

[Starsstillshinex]

I would like to see if some of the behaviours I've experienced with a man only 10 months sober are typical of recovering addicts or just the way he is.

Gave up alcohol ten months ago after a suicide attempt.

Met me 5 months ago.

Moods are up and down up an down. Some weeks he's obsessed with me sexually. Then the next he's down. Quiet. Wont give much away but gets really angry if you offer space.

Selfish behaviour. He can be mardy. Rude. Blunt. Cheeky. Happy. Sad. Funny. Positive etc. But if I dare to have a low day or question anything about his commitment he flies off the handle and I get blocked. Dumped etc.

Not eating properly and underweight.

Seems to have broken relationships around him with everyone. his dad. His ex's. His brother. His daughter. His ex wife. He has alot of stories about sex and he's always the innocent man that some women has come onto. Always got a women bothering him.

Putting me down in small ways. Whys your hair that long? Why don't you work. I think when mums stay home with toddlers they have nothing to talk about....

He calls me an overthinker if I ask him about the future as I have children. It's like he doesn't understand how big a responsibility kids are. Sometimes he talks with excitement about taking them places etc.

Seems to blame everyone else for everything but loves his deceased mum. He is carrying massive amounts of grief over her still. He claims she brought him up properly and to treat women properly. Sadly he does the opposite of this and seems to treat women like things he can discard when he's not interested.

He got rid of me last Tuesday after a small question. He text me back when I asked yesterday if he was ok. Then proceeded to say he didn't mind if I occasionally text as he isn't evil. Followed by the fact he doesn't miss me at all! So I blocked him and I've walked away. I wrote on here yesterday but got no replies.

Would love to speak with other people affected by addiction.thanks.

alcoholics ruin lives. My ex alcoholic has been dead 5 yrs, I'm still living the aftermath 8 yrs after leaving him.
Run OP and don't look back...
dont think of rescuing,,,you cannot

Alcoholics drink to change the way they feel. They generally feel very angry and very afraid most of the time for a zillion different reasons but that's about what I've learnt after 7 years at regular AA meetings so I've heard a lot of alcoholics.

The anger and fear generally turns them into arseholes as they do whatever they can to manipulate others to make themselves feel better as well as pouring booze down their neck.

If you take away the alcohol but - and this is key - do nothing about the fear and the anger - you have a serious issue.

Run an absolute mile as fast as you can.

And second the suggestion for Al Anon if you want more support coming to terms with it.

[quote Starsstillshinex]@moirarosebabay

Thank you for your reply. That's the trouble he was in hospital for a few weeks after the suicide attempt but he then came home and did the rest alone. He went back to work full-time and in the evenings he just sits at home by himself with his dog. his weekends are the same just him and his dog. Often sleeps the day away. I've never known him to see anyone or go anywhere in the time I knew him.

I can definitely tell he's walking around with a massive anger around him. I listen to how he speaks to people at work when he's on the phone to me and and his attitude in general. he seems to put other people down a lot to me and he's always bigging up himself. Nobody else is as good as him at a job apart from the odd person that he will say is better than him.

I didn't realise I was trying to rescue him. I think I just bought his story and believed he was this man having this fresh start. I thought he wwasa hard-working strong person who got back from rock bottom and
Was surviving. I think I felt like I wanted to show him how much he was worth. I felt like he deserved family around him again and someone to come home to. Long term we talked about living together and just having a nice little garden. I just wanted him to succeed and hoped I would be part of his future. In return I hoped he would be a good role model for my children. I see now that was silly of me and he's not stable enough to be with kids.

from me going over everything that's happened I think he's replaced everything else with women. he's not necessarily having sex with these women but he likes to have a little flirt. I've always noticed he has stories about people close to him whose partners wanted to sleep with him. That seems to have happened to him a lot of times in his life, so he seems to have some kind of need to feel he could take somebody else's property almost. as I said in the other post he's been messing a married woman around for 2 years now with just messages and telling her he loved her. She's so gullible and seems to be hanging onto him. He lives two hours from her and has threatened to tell her husband as she has filled me in.

I just don't understand why he is doing this. I know it's not my problem but it's so frustrating. I have exhausted myself being there for him. Like at Christmas when he was alone for the whole event and he didn't celebrate it. I remember him being awake at 4 am feeling down so I called him and whispered to him for a couple of hours in bed so he didn't feel alone. I could go on all day like I say about all these little things I did and and I don't think I'll ever understand how he has turned on me the way he has.[/quote]
He's in an existence not a life and I highly recommend you get away from him. Try al anon if you must but it sounds to me like you Have already wasted too much of your time and energy on him. He cannot love in a healthy way. You can't change him. He clearly has a lot of work to do on himself and he's not bothered at all. I doubt he's posting on a thread trying to find a way of fixing you. He's actively trying to break you down so he can continue to use you. Don't waste any more time on him. Get out and build yourself back up. You can do it for you and your kids. Your energy would be better spent on you.

I'd listen to what moirarosebabay has to say - it's a perfect description of an addict who has done nothing to address the causes of their addiction. That makes him a 'dry drunk' - all his issues are still there, he's just not drinking.

This man is not ready for a relationship. Tell him it isn't working, wish him well, walk away.

Yes and my advice is not to do it. I am not doing that again.

It's amazing how just a few months wrecks you. It's completely changed me.

This stood out for me and I would agree with a PP that his behaviour sounds very narcissistic. I know MN tends to think posters are too quick to do a virtual diagnosis on the basis of someone else's reports but your words echo those used by many people who have been abused by someone with narcissistic traits.

The behaviour baffles you by its erratic and inconsistent nature. You spend so much time trying to second guess what's going on that you don't have the chance to stand back and see the bigger picture. It's intentional, they keep you wrong footed and doubting yourself, there is inevitably a conditioning process of punishment and reward but the rules are never clear. This is why you're so confused about how a "smart" woman like yourself can be played like this. You can not outplay a person like this, they are maddening and you will never be given a rational explanation for their behaviour.

I am an alcoholic in recovery but the only person I've been involved with who was like this was not in recovery, I remain uncertain about whether they should be, and I married them despite the red flags. I have met one other person like this and I keep my distance, they are not your run of the mill arsehole, they are something else.

I think some kind of counselling might help you come to terms with what's happened but if it helps at all remember this is not your fault, he is likely unable to really care about anyone, you have had a lucky escape, you deserve better and he has done you a favour.

Block and do not look back. He does not have the power to give back the peace of mind and confidence his behaviour took from you so abandon hope of that and move forward.

Thank you. This is why I came on here as I can see it but others can see more stuff to help me make sense of it.

You are right that he's not capable. He runs from simple questions like it's the end of the world.

I was so sucked in and he really has me fooled. I keep having flashbacks to how it's felt going along. In those early weeks when he was taking opiates for his back pain (prescribed) he would fall asleep for hours and I'd worry all night that he had died in his sleep. He came off them in January after a reaction to them. He was asleep for 24 hours and woke up with a massive swollen lip. I would stand at my bedroom window just staring out into the street at 2am exhausted and stressed.

I don't believe he will come back to me now or get in touch. Purely because it's been a week. He's never lasted more than a day and he said yesterday he doesn't miss me when I checked in. So he's done.

I think I'll be ok in another few days. I'm going through anger, sadness, feeling positive and strong then abit sad again. So I guess I'm processing it. I am obviously trying to forget the man I thought he was and accept he's who he is. It's so hard knowing only he has the answers and I'll never get them.

You need to block him. STOP giving him your power, waiting to see if he'll contact you. You shouldn't be dating at all because your boundaries, awareness and self-esteem are so low just now - anyone with firm ones would never have gone on a single date with this guy at all, much less still be thinking about his twisted, abusive arse.

You have a life, you don't need a blackhole like this.

Addiction counsellor and nurse here ...absolutely close down all contact with this man now .Your are reliving "whys" and "what if" fantasies with someone who is nothing but toxic and destructive . Whatever path he is on is not one you should be on with at all , especiially with children involved . You are twenty years ish younger than him and can have a fuun and happy future with someone else ...but this man has so many red flags . Get counselling or attend a group if you want but the simplest and healthiest thing you can do is clse this down ..no contact , block and forget .

Thank you. I've blocked him so I've closed contact. Although it was me that reached out last because I am a decent human and wanted to see if he was ok.

I've learned alot this last few days. I am really seeing what he really is and I have only just realised how unwell he was making me. I was up and down depending on how he felt. I lost interest in my home and my children in the sense I looked after them but didn't want to play or do much with them. Everyday was about him and the next bit of contact. But I didn't see any of it. I am processing it all and your replies are helping me continue to leave him behind me. It's so hard to explain how close I got to him. I was convinced he was making my life happier. But I see now he was just slowly starting to pick me apart.

YABU to get involved with a recovering addict
Delete all his messages as well as blocking him so you can't be tempted to contact him

You can do the Freedom programme online. Stop there. Do not even entertain any sort of date just now. You're very vulnerable.

Well done . It's often hard to take good advice. Take some time to rediscover yourself, rebond with your DC and work out what your boundaries in a relationship are - you've had a lucky escape.

Although it was me that reached out last because I am a decent human and wanted to see if he was ok.

Be honest with yourself, he's made you feel bad about yourself and you want him to make you feel better, contact with people like that almost becomes an addiction in itself. He won't make you feel better and he is not your responsibility.

OP did he meet your dc's??

You are a mother, their role model, their everything. You should make better choices, for their sake. He sounds utterly horrific, addiction or not. Why would you ever consider him a good person to be in your lives?

No he didn't meet my children do not worry about that. We didn't get to that point.

Yes I do feel a strange urge for him to say sorry and that he meant some of it or he cares. Because otherwise all the stuff I shared with him and the time I gave him was all a joke to him. That said I don't want him back and I know I'll get stronger each day.

I know I've got a massive chunk of my life left and he's headed towards fifty with a maintain of issues.

I am already discovering myself again. I've started watching the soaps again this week and I've blitzed my house and done some learning with my daughter. I never lost my bond with them but i remember before I met him. I'd be happy say with a cuppa watching Peppa with them. Or taking them to the park and id get joy from that. But it felt like I was just on the phone to him whilst they walked ahead or whatever. I stopped watching my programmes. I stopped ringing my mum for long chats and if anyone messaged me but him I was kinda disappointed. I actually feel ashamed reading this.

I understand to someone who's not been here it sounds ridiculous. But he did affect me more than I knew.

I have never been involved with anyone like this before. I've always had sensible relationships. I think that's why I attached to him. He seemed exciting and spontaneous. But again I understand how stupid that sounds now.

I guess it's just learning that I don't understand him as I couldn't treat people that way.

Thanks again for listening to me and pointing stuff out to me. Only he can change himself and see how many people he's pushed away.

Seriously, OP, you not to be involved with NO ONE for a while because your barriers are really low and you're vulnerable. This is how people get sucked into very destructive relationships. Please, please, do the Freedom Programme as a beginning and use your hard-earned cash to get some therapy for yourself to process this with a professional and work with him/her to develop strategies to spot people like this and learn not to engage with them at all.

Did you start a thread about him before, OP? I seem to remember someone being ten months sober.

I’m sorry things have broken down but honestly, you’re best off out of it. Especially as you have children. Ten months sober is no time at all.

I started one yesterday and had zero replies. But I've only realised this last week what he's like. So perhaps it was some else?
It's starting to feel nice being able to concentrate on myself abit again. Feeling alot more positive tonight.

yes there was a similar thread recently as everyone said, it wasn't long to be sober for.
Personally I wouldn't even trust ten yrs sober but that's my own experiences
OP, glad you feel more positive. A weight has hopefully been lifted
Good luck

In those early weeks when he was taking opiates for his back pain (prescribed) he would fall asleep for hours and I'd worry all night that he had died in his sleep.

So he's only actually been free of substances for 2 months. Maybe. Even dope? And even if he's not using, he's a dry drunk. He hasn't done the work or changed the patterns. None of which is anything anyone else can do for him.

You need to look back at the first few days and work out how never to get involved like this again.

Are you out of your mind ????

Clearly v early days for “recovery” - as PP have said and what your x would know if they were in a Programme is that 12 months sober is minimum before you tackle a RS. So that might be a simple explanation.

Other layers may involve a personality disorder (Narc or BPD), sex addict, or another severe unmanaged MH issue such as bi-polar.

So lots to work with if him just being an abusive c**t isn’t enough for you.

In your v short RS his behaviours have been repeatedly outrageous through out. Your tolerance, delusion and preoccupation with him has cost your v young DCs dear.

For all of your sakes you need to engage in some professional support to understand what vulnerability in you let this happen.

Your thinking should be focused on you, prioritising fixing you to ensure this doesn’t ever happen again.

What is your RS history - how did the RS with the father of your young DC break down?

Don't get involved in his yoyo behaviours it is early days he has shown you who he is, unless you're waiting for change I'd move on he has been through trauma it might be too soon for a relationship.

Hello ex addict here, were hard to be helped during it, it's usually started through ptsd etc., mine started with various drugs due to violent rape at 17, just took weed after that, quit weed but became an alcoholic after that mainly because I was trapped in an abusive relationship it was my one bit of happiness at nighttime. we are learning how to function in the real world , please have honest and supportive conversations with us some days I relapse and feel suicidal but won't tell anyone bc noone asks x