To think this is unfair on ds?

[warmde]

I've been reading threads but this is the first time posting

My ds is in year 11. I saw he had a consequence and he's just got home and hes told me that in last lesson, he was sitting next to a boy. The boy was refusing to do his work (this is a regular thing according to ds) and he kept moving his chair closer to ds. Ds was trying to ignore him but he asked him to move his chair back to where it was as he was trying to do his work. DS's friend said that the boy was gay and fancied DS. That annoyed The boy and he hit DS (not sure why as DS told me he didn't say anything). The teacher told the boy to move but he refused so ds moved. The boy kept throwing paper at DS and DS threw it back at him (he told me he shouldn't have) but the teacher just told DS off and apparently she said 'just ignore him as you're only going to make him get yourself into trouble and make him do it more'.

the boy moved next to DS but said he was going to do his work. The boy said to ds 'I'm not gay and if you say I am again I'll smack you'. DS ignored him. The boy then took Ds's book and threw it so ds shouted at him (telling him to stop and move away from him) and the teacher sent DS out for disrupting the lesson and his head of year is going to speak to him tomorrow and he was given the consequence

Aibu to find this really unfair on ds as ds was doing his work and this boy was refusing in the first place? I've phoned the school but his head of year isn't available apparently.

I’m not entirely sure I’d believe your son’s version of events here. Especially the bit about what his ‘friend’ said.

Okay from that version it sounds unfair. If you want to pursue this with the school then please go in with an open mind, ready to hear a different version.

@NormanStangerson

I’m not entirely sure I’d believe your son’s version of events here. Especially the bit about what his ‘friend’ said.

I don't think DS would've said it.

I just want to find out what went on as I don't think it's fair that ds got the consequence when he was doing his work and not refusing and ds said this boy refuses to do work most lessons

Then I’d request a meeting with the head of year.

Speak to the teacher and find out their sequence of events.

What’s the consequence of a consequence? Is it like negative points that can lead to a detention or something? If it doesn’t have long term ramifications, for year 11s I’d be inclined to just let it go. Unless it’s a regular occurrence in which case a quiet word with the head of year seems reasonable.

Why would the boy say ''I'm not gay and if you say I am again I'll smack you' if your DS hadn't said it. It really doesn't seem to make sense the way your ds is telling it.....

I’m not sure I believe any of what has been said by your son , can you not contact the actual teacher involved rather than the HOY , who will no doubt then just have to refer it back to the teacher who was there . As far as I’m aware schools take quite a hard line on any ‘gay’ name calling and quite rightly so .

You need a meeting. Either your DS hasn't told you the full story. Or, as does happen, a boy who is constantly disruptive is ignored because there's no point disciplining him as it'll make him worse, and this has affected your sons learning and got him in trouble for being the target of this boys disruptive behaviour.

What is the 'consequence'? Does it have ay long term impact or just a detention? If just a detention, I think its pretty OTT for a year 11 boy's mum to wade in, whether he was in the wrong or not....

Also I'm glad you have faith in and trust your son, but I'm sure someone else will have a different version of events (and his version does sound a bit like he was being implausibly passive ), so its really all rather 'he said x, he said y' isn't it?

Have an open mind at the meeting. You’re only getting one side of the story.

Consequences are what the school uses for negative points and each of them are different some are for detention etc and some mean nothing but ds has got one where he will have to be in isolation.

I'm just annoyed as since year 7 this boy has been distracting ds from doing his work (they did used to be friends and I admit that ds did used to be disruptive aswell but he decided In year 9 he wants to focus on getting a good gcse result and he's tried to keep away from this boy and he's rarely been in trouble apart from a few times where he hasn't had his homework etc)

Stuff like this happens. if the other boy really does disrupt him as much as your DS says then a bit of isolation to hunker down on his schoolwork might not be too bad....

I think you may be a bit too trusting in your DS' version of events if the consequence is isolation, however, even if we say that for now, his version is 100% accurate (noted that he told you after you'd already noticed the 'consequence' though)....

He is Year 11. He is not a small child, but he is learning how to become an adult, interact with others, deal with unfair situations etc....I would focus on making sure he goes into the HOY meeting with the right mindset (not combative/defensive but reasonable and understanding that HOY was not there but has to follow up complaints and potential homophobic abuse, and that he feels that was not the case in this situation) might be a good opportunity for him to learn how to deal with situations he believes to be unfair/where he has been misunderstood...and learns how to deal with this without interference from his mum

The boy throws paper at your son & threw his book, but the teacher sees/says nothing-is this likely?

@diddl

The boy throws paper at your son & threw his book, but the teacher sees/says nothing-is this likely?

The teacher saw but I think she was ignoring the boy

1. your son moved without permission of teacher
2. threw paper
3. shouted at another student

Yes he probably wasn’t the only one doing this but he wasn’t innocent and deserves to be spoken to.

Some kids need bloody bouncers not teachers.
There's a few in every year, poor teacher can't control without risking their safety so end up policing other students so as not to antagonise the the problem student.

Get the teacher's side and complain if appropriate.

In DSs case it's a life skill, ignoring the prick in a bar angling for a fight or the bellend at work who you can't avoid working with.

@Mylovelyhorsee

1) your son moved without permission of teacher 2) threw paper 3) shouted at another student

Yes he probably wasn’t the only one doing this but he wasn’t innocent and deserves to be spoken to.

The teacher said ds could move as the boy refused

The boy said to ds 'I'm not gay and if you say I am again I'll smack you'.

I would be wondering why the boy would say this to your ds if he hadn't made any comments along those lines in the first place.

It sounds like the boy may be the victim of homophobic bullying. In your shoes, I would want to be very certain that my dc wasn't complicit in that...either by making comments himself or by laughing at comments made by other people.

I agree with Tinydinosaur's post at 15.38.
Check it out with the teacher. Don't go in all guns blazing. You just want the situation clarified.

I don't think DS would've said it

As the parent of a y11 who had, up until three weeks ago, literally never had detention or been in trouble at school. However, I had a call from school about something that had happened online during online learning. He admitted it straight away and I was pretty shocked. However, with about 7 weeks left in year 11 does it really matter if they've been given a "consequence". He was obviously doing something he shouldn't have been doing so I'd just let it go personally.

I’d ask the teacher what really happened.

Talk to the teacher to check it out, but don't go in all guns blazing.

As ever, you've only got one side of events and it isn't that far fetched that your son/your son's friend has made a comment about a peer being gay. If they have then it's rightfully being challenged.

However, as a teacher I've certainly come across situations where one student (A) pushes another (B) and then B gets into trouble for finally snapping, usually after a colleague hasn't appropriately dealt with the original behaviour. It's frustrating as a tutor because it becomes quite clear that sometimes a colleague misuses tactical ignoring of disruptive behaviour, especially when it's peer to peer distraction. In my opinion there comes a point where it goes beyond a tactical ignore and becomes poor classroom management that shifts the responsibility for dealing with disruption onto the students affected by it.

Speaking as a teacher, I'd just like to say that I'm 99% certain that your son's account of events is a highly-distorted version of what happened, designed to deflect blame for his punishment away from him and on to the other boy and - by implication - the teacher.

Call me cynical but sadly it comes from experience. In short, your son's lying to save his own skin. And the fact you believe his frankly unbelievable version of events and are taking it up with his school is one of the reasons I can't wait to leave this profession.

Get DS to type a letter of complaint, Tonight, help him do it.
List everything.
Print it out tell DS to had it to the Head tomorrow morning, and have a copy for his head of year. Also tell both if they don't sort this the letter will go to the Governor's as a bullying complaint.