To think this is unfair on ds?

[warmde]

I've been reading threads but this is the first time posting

My ds is in year 11. I saw he had a consequence and he's just got home and hes told me that in last lesson, he was sitting next to a boy. The boy was refusing to do his work (this is a regular thing according to ds) and he kept moving his chair closer to ds. Ds was trying to ignore him but he asked him to move his chair back to where it was as he was trying to do his work. DS's friend said that the boy was gay and fancied DS. That annoyed The boy and he hit DS (not sure why as DS told me he didn't say anything). The teacher told the boy to move but he refused so ds moved. The boy kept throwing paper at DS and DS threw it back at him (he told me he shouldn't have) but the teacher just told DS off and apparently she said 'just ignore him as you're only going to make him get yourself into trouble and make him do it more'.

the boy moved next to DS but said he was going to do his work. The boy said to ds 'I'm not gay and if you say I am again I'll smack you'. DS ignored him. The boy then took Ds's book and threw it so ds shouted at him (telling him to stop and move away from him) and the teacher sent DS out for disrupting the lesson and his head of year is going to speak to him tomorrow and he was given the consequence

Aibu to find this really unfair on ds as ds was doing his work and this boy was refusing in the first place? I've phoned the school but his head of year isn't available apparently.

Plenty of people laugh automatically to defuse tension, not because they find something funny.

I used to laugh sometimes when my abusive ex was saying cruel things to me, but it certainly didn't mean I agreed with them.

@CantBeAssed

Wow...way too over invested op.... Whatever the "consequence" tell ds to suck it up...i have a feeling you are the only one seeing that sparkling halo above his head

I know ds wouldn't have been disruptive for no reason and I don't think it's fair if the other boy didn't get punished when according to ds he's always disruptive

Personally I think raising your voice when someone has just thrown their exercise book on the floor is understandable. This was the catalyst for the sending out too. I would concentrate on that OP

OP, I do think you've got to be a bit more open to the fact that your DS might not be angelic in this interaction, especially regarding his friend using gay as an insult.

I also can well believe a situation where a student who routinely doesn't do their work and distracts others is ignored as long as they aren't disrupting the whole lesson. Some staff regularly sit these students next to quiet hard working students who they expect to put up with the disruption and not make a fuss, but will justify it by saying 'Timmy is going to be a good influence'. It's not Timmy's job to manage another child's behaviour though. The consequence of this is that sometimes the students around the disruptive students end up running out of patience, and then they end up snapping.

With my teacher hat on it sounds like the teacher hasn't managed their classroom well and there's probably some wrongdoing on both sides at some points.

“Doesn’t know why he laughed”

Sure op. Sure.

I was called at lunchtime as ds punched the boy, Im disappointed in him as he isn't normally violent and ds said the boy was pushing him but still he shouldn't have punched him

Ds said he was ok with the boy before as the boy apologised and his head of year spoke to both of them and they both had a consequence but their head of year gave ds a chance so he didn't go to isolation as he normally works hard and is rarely in trouble. But ds said he was with his friend at lunch and he asked the boy to leave him alone for abit but he wouldn't and the boy pushed him and then ds punched him.

Laughed at someone being called gay and now punched someone.

He can claim provocation for both but the first is still homophobic and the second is still escalation.

I think you need to reassess his behaviour and be open to the fact that (like many teens) he is being a bit of a dick at the moment.

While it sounds like your collaborative approach with him, believing his version etc keeps things calm at home he has now given you reason not to automatically trust his version of events immediately from now on - you didn't think he'd laugh at homophobia but he did, you didn't think he'd punch but he did.

This needs some consequences (meaningful, not just arbitrary punishment) at home as well as at a school.

@warmde

I was called at lunchtime as ds punched the boy, Im disappointed in him as he isn't normally violent and ds said the boy was pushing him but still he shouldn't have punched him

Ds said he was ok with the boy before as the boy apologised and his head of year spoke to both of them and they both had a consequence but their head of year gave ds a chance so he didn't go to isolation as he normally works hard and is rarely in trouble. But ds said he was with his friend at lunch and he asked the boy to leave him alone for abit but he wouldn't and the boy pushed him and then ds punched him.

lol, but of course he's an angel

@suspiria777 I didn't say he was an angel

Trust me, some kids will cause trouble even if 1 child didnt do or say anything.

I was always well behaved kid, but remember getting in trouble a few times for defending myself.

The worst part was that in 2 of these cases, I even told the teacher beforehand that the other kid was messing with me and asked them to do something about it. You know what happened....I was told to sit down and stop causing a problem...some teachers find it easier to punish the victim than the aggressive and violent kids.

There's no denying your da behaviour is unacceptable.

But it sounds like this boy is aware he's pushing his buttons and keeps doing it.

Will school be helpful in supporting ds form here on in with somewhere private to go at lunch etc to prevent this?

He clearly needs to manage his emotions which I imagine for year 11s is very high right now so somewhere he can take himself off should help. My

I would just ask head of year to seperate them..... now your ds has hit the boy he has lost any moral high ground though i am not sure he had much.

They have a few weeks left. He needs to focus on his assignments.

But we are post lockdown lets not everyone assume everything has slotted into place fir everyone.

Your DS needs to smarten up.

The kid throwing the second punch is always the one who gets caught. Also throwing the punch in response to provocation.

Your son has lost the high ground now. Either he's a lot more disruptive than you think, or this other student knows exactly how to push his buttons, so having seen he can get a reaction from your son in class is going to continue provoking him.

I would speak to the head of year and ask to have them separated, if not in different classes have all staff told to move them apart in classes.