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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unfair on ds?

64 replies

warmde · 16/03/2021 15:16

I've been reading threads but this is the first time posting

My ds is in year 11. I saw he had a consequence and he's just got home and hes told me that in last lesson, he was sitting next to a boy. The boy was refusing to do his work (this is a regular thing according to ds) and he kept moving his chair closer to ds. Ds was trying to ignore him but he asked him to move his chair back to where it was as he was trying to do his work. DS's friend said that the boy was gay and fancied DS. That annoyed The boy and he hit DS (not sure why as DS told me he didn't say anything). The teacher told the boy to move but he refused so ds moved. The boy kept throwing paper at DS and DS threw it back at him (he told me he shouldn't have) but the teacher just told DS off and apparently she said 'just ignore him as you're only going to make him get yourself into trouble and make him do it more'.

the boy moved next to DS but said he was going to do his work. The boy said to ds 'I'm not gay and if you say I am again I'll smack you'. DS ignored him. The boy then took Ds's book and threw it so ds shouted at him (telling him to stop and move away from him) and the teacher sent DS out for disrupting the lesson and his head of year is going to speak to him tomorrow and he was given the consequence

Aibu to find this really unfair on ds as ds was doing his work and this boy was refusing in the first place? I've phoned the school but his head of year isn't available apparently.

OP posts:
FluffyHippo · 16/03/2021 17:01

@Whythesadface

Get DS to type a letter of complaint, Tonight, help him do it. List everything. Print it out tell DS to had it to the Head tomorrow morning, and have a copy for his head of year. Also tell both if they don't sort this the letter will go to the Governor's as a bullying complaint.
Jesus! And you wonder why teachers are leaving the profession in droves,,,
Mylovelyhorsee · 16/03/2021 17:04

@warmde

Ok still

  1. threw paper (unacceptable)
  2. shouting out/at another student (unacceptable)
LolaSmiles · 16/03/2021 17:06

FluffyHippo
See I think the OP comes across as quite reasonable and don't find it unbelievable that persistent 'low level' disruption has been ignored and left for the students to deal with. I've seen it happen too often, usually with quiet, hard working students (disproportionately girls though) who are expected to tolerate all level of 'low level' disruption from known students who aren't badly behaved enough to have a reputation, but are known for being a bit of a PITA. Or the same low level PITA students wind up the 'naughty' child who is trying to work on their behaviour and the 'naughty' child is expected not only to manage their personal choices, but do so in a room where the cards are stacked against them. It's something I've had to have awkward conversations with colleagues about.

I don't think the OP has the full truth there, but parts of it aren't unbelievable to me

FluffyHippo · 16/03/2021 17:09

LolaSmiles, you could be right. I just get annoyed with parents who believe their child is a little angel and could never, ever do anything wrong - sadly, Mumsnet is full of them.

LolaSmiles · 16/03/2021 17:11

FluffyHippo
You're not wrong. The "my child would NEVER lie" parents do their children no favours, nor do the ones who think that stamping their feet, threatening Ofsted, firing off emails of complaint for every perceived injustice (regardless of the truth).

To be fair to the OP, I don't think they fall in that camp, but I might be wrong as the thread develops.

LolaSmiles · 16/03/2021 17:12

**The "my child would NEVER lie" parents do their children no favours, nor do the ones who think that stamping their feet, threatening Ofsted, firing off emails of complaint for every perceived injustice (regardless of the truth) will get them taken seriously.

Part of my sentence vanished. My phone's been jumpy like this a few times today. Confused

Stuckhere2021 · 16/03/2021 17:14

I agree with those saying your DS is giving you one version of events - his version - which may not reflect what actually happened. My DS was at a younger stage but he once came home saying his teacher said his work was "a pile of crap". DP about to hit the roof until I asked DS "what words did your teacher actually use?" and he said "son's name, that is not your best work".

(I cannot believe a boy in Year 11 would use the words "I'll smack you" - more like "I'll punch your face in" or something, unless of course you are paraphrasing).

Original poster
warmde · 16/03/2021 17:20

DS told me that this boy always refuses to do his work so the teacher sat him next to ds to try and get him to focus. I don't know if ds is telling the truth but I find it unfair that ds got the punishment and the other boy seemed to have gotten away with it.

I also think that calling the boy gay was wrong although I don't think ds would've said it

OP posts:
thosetalesofunexpected · 16/03/2021 17:41

@warmde

You need to request a meeting with the head,as soon as possible,
this is true?
Obviously you son has been treated unfairly, and obviously this boy needs to sit elsewhere and have a appropriate consequence for his actions too.

Whythesadface · 16/03/2021 17:46

If's the other boy that is the bully.
And if the teacher is making the DS see the head of year, she has already blamed DS, so making the son write it out will mean OP can read it, and go from there.
I always support teachers, but some do not protect the right person, or balance it out equally,

thosetalesofunexpected · 16/03/2021 17:54

Obviously if this did happen your son version?
then I am not surprised you are both annoyed at this outcome,

Be prepared that Just maybe your son is being a bit /or somewhat economical.!

thosetalesofunexpected · 16/03/2021 18:12

In regard of telling the truth op

Original poster
warmde · 16/03/2021 19:00

DS has admitted he did laugh but he didn't say anything and he was trying to ignore the boy and do his work

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/03/2021 20:13

@warmde

DS has admitted he did laugh but he didn't say anything and he was trying to ignore the boy and do his work
He laughed at another boy being called gay in an insulting way?
DenisetheMenace · 16/03/2021 20:16

What a confused situation.

You need to have a sensible conversation with the teacher in the room.

Hitting someone: not on
Homophobic comments: not on

🤷‍♀️

Original poster
warmde · 16/03/2021 20:29

DS knows he shouldn't have laughed and he said he doesn't know why he did but he told me he didn't say anything homophobic to him.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/03/2021 20:34

@warmde

DS knows he shouldn't have laughed and he said he doesn't know why he did but he told me he didn't say anything homophobic to him.
I appreciate this and people do bad things in tense situations but laughing at someone being called gay in an insulting way is being complicit in homophobia. Many, many children do that due to peer pressure, awkwardness, tension etc but it is absolutely wrong and we do need to teach kids that standing by let alone laughing while someone else is saying something nasty is being complicit in perpetuating stuff like that. I'm not saying your kid is horrible, so please don't feel over defensive. But it's really far from ideal, as is the behaviour of the boy in question if your son's account is true, so both should have been bollocked. Not just your son, no. But he laughed at gay being used as an insult, designed to belittle and humiliate. I would be really uncomfortable with that. It sounds like you're close enough to have a good conversation with him about that. If something racist or ableist was said one would hope he wouldn't laugh and the same should apply here, even if the person it's said to is indeed a little wanker as he may well be. Again it sounds like you're close enough to talk all this through with him which is good .
mathanxiety · 16/03/2021 20:41

Laughing in that context is homophobic.

Maybe talk to your son about the responsibilities of bystanders

I would ask that DS be seated away from the boy. If preventing DS from getting work done is a problem then that needs to be addressed.

I would complain about the poorly controlled classroom environment and ask if anyone can come up with suggestions to fix that problem other than seating motivated students next to students who are not.

Original poster
warmde · 16/03/2021 20:58

I've spoken to ds and he said he doesn't know why he laughed but he won't again. I am not happy about him laughing but I do believe he didn't say anything to the boy and that it was his friend

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/03/2021 21:02

@warmde

I've spoken to ds and he said he doesn't know why he laughed but he won't again. I am not happy about him laughing but I do believe he didn't say anything to the boy and that it was his friend
But would you have thought earlier that he would laugh at someone being called gay? Probably not. I'm not gunning for him, he's a kid, but it's important to remember your own kids are going to make mistakes and some of them are ok to be disappointed by and start tough conversations. Him just saying he doesn't know why he laughed is a bit of a cop out really.
THisbackwithavengeance · 16/03/2021 21:07

He's a year 11?

So this is a bunch of 15 and 16 year olds? Who, lets face it, should know better really.

TBH I would leave it OP. Probably the teacher was unfair - who knows - but sounds like he or she was on their last nerve and your DS was in the firing line.

This would really not bother me. Tell your DS not to answer back and keep his head under the parapet in class next time.

You're a better person than me if you would request a meeting with a head teacher over a non event like this even if your DS is in the right.

CantBeAssed · 16/03/2021 21:11

Wow...way too over invested op....
Whatever the "consequence" tell ds to suck it up...i have a feeling you are the only one seeing that sparkling halo above his headGrin

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 21:12

It may well have been his friend who made the comment, but laughing makes him complicit. He needs to understand how incredibly damaging this can be for the person on the receiving end.

Personally, I think the kids who laugh are as guilty as the ones who make homophobic comments.They are condoning and encouraging this behaviour. That doesn't mean that your ds is a bad person, it probably just reflects the fact that he hasn't really thought much about the impact of this kind of behaviour on the victim. Getting him to understand is key.

Of course, that doesn't mean that the other kid is completely blameless. He sounds like a bit of a PITA. However, given the homophobic comment and the fact that your ds laughed at it, he has automatically put himself in the wrong. I'd be inclined to tell him to accept the consequence on this occasion, and avoid making the same mistake again.

Whythesadface · 16/03/2021 21:54

The other boy HIT op's so is hitting now ok?
Is it to go unpunished?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/03/2021 21:56

@Whythesadface

The other boy HIT op's so is hitting now ok? Is it to go unpunished?
Wrong to not be punished for hitting someone.

Right for someone to be disciplined for laughing at someone being called gay as an insult.

It's not a matter of picking one goodie and one baddie.

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