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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think that most on MN do not have an ok/good sex life?

59 replies

Blueskywhy · 16/03/2021 12:40

So many posts on this topic recently that it has made think. I suspect it is just that people only post when there is a problem? For example, the typical posts in order of frequency based on what I've read in recent days:

  • DP/DH no longer wants to have sex
  • dysfunctional/abusive relationship and no sex
  • DP/DH wants sex, but I've totally lost interest
  • Never had an orgasm

No need to post any details, just more curious about the vote! Mine is OK/good :)

YABU - I disagree, I have an ok/good sex life

YANBU - I agree, I do not have an ok/good sex life

OP posts:
AWordsWorth · 16/03/2021 13:01

It's ok/good for me. As you say OP, I think people post when they have a problem. It likes the newspapers. mostly bad news :)

But seriously, it must be really difficult to be in any of the situations below. Any of those, and a relationship would suffer badly.

  • DP/DH no longer wants to have sex
  • dysfunctional/abusive relationship and no sex
  • DP/DH wants sex, but I've totally lost interest
  • Never had an orgasm

But there are also health/medical issues that should be on that list.

Original poster
Blueskywhy · 16/03/2021 13:03

@AWordsWorth, yes there are more reasons for sure. That list was just a random selection of ones I've read in the past days.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 16/03/2021 13:04

Clearly those who are having issues will be the ones posting...why on earth would I start threads talking about how DH and I have a fantastic sex life!

We’ve been together 12 years+ and we have a lot of really good sex.

TurkeyTrot · 16/03/2021 13:08

Points 1 and 3 in the OP imply that it was OK before but something has changed.....

SandysMam · 16/03/2021 13:14

I think a lot of men just don’t fancy their wives any more and vice versa. We have a particularly glamorous mum at the school and I see the husbands drooling at her. In comparison, the wives could not look any more different, often very frumpy and mumsey and I can’t see how the husbands can’t notice the difference. Not saying they don’t have sex but the attraction just can’t be the same if they are lusting after model types and going to bed with the complete opposite.

peak2021 · 16/03/2021 13:19

I don't think it's any more different amongst MN members than in general.

Ninkanink · 16/03/2021 13:21

I think plenty of men do fancy their wives. But having small needy children and being touched out all day and fully immersed in motherhood 24 hours a day doesn’t leave much space for sexual expression.

Reinventinganna · 16/03/2021 13:23

Have you looked on the sex topic? Plenty of good sex being had.

theheartofthematter · 16/03/2021 13:24

The problem is that my sex life may be rest for me but you may think it was awful or you may think twice a year is great and I may think that isn't enough.

vodkaredbullgirl · 16/03/2021 13:24

Sex what the fuck is that, single nearly 12 yrs.

theheartofthematter · 16/03/2021 13:24

So what I mean is that it is hard to be a measurable quantifiable thing

theheartofthematter · 16/03/2021 13:25

And I meant *great not rest

LolaSmiles · 16/03/2021 13:25

People post when they are having difficulties or are unhappy. I doubly everyone who is happy with their sex life is going to be starting threads to tell the world that they're having mind blowing, or even decidedly ok, sex at the optimum frequency for them.

FourTeaFallOut · 16/03/2021 13:26

Well I have a bloody great sex life and I don't need to parade my best self on the school run for DH to fancy me, imagine that?

DilemmaADay · 16/03/2021 13:42

@fourteafallout

What?!? You mean you arent glamming yourself up every day at the school gates to give the poor sex starved menz something to look at!? How frumpy of you Grin

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/03/2021 13:47

Nothing is perfect, like most things in life. People seem to have this expectation that their sex life always has to be great at all times (especially men), but I bet nothing else in there life is great at all times. Strange that people put so much pressure on that one thing, when so many factors in life can have an impact on it.

2bazookas · 16/03/2021 13:57

We have been married for a very long time , he's a lovely man , we had four children and are still very happy . I've just spent a year locked down with my best friend/husband and it has strengthened our bond, mutual understanding and support.

Lots of people describe the family kitchen as the centre of their home . I disagree, the centre of our home is our bed.

FourTeaFallOut · 16/03/2021 13:58

Yes. I'm a real bitch like that GrinGrin

ChelseeDagger · 16/03/2021 14:03

I think most but by no means all married couples have a crap sex life.

MrsWP · 16/03/2021 14:28

@ChelseeDagger

I think most but by no means all married couples have a crap sex life.
I think this post may prove you wrong.

I wouldn't have married my DH if that had been on the cards.

Sure we have less sex than before we were married and had kids. But it's no less good. In fact it's consistently better now as we've had 17 years to learn what the other likes.

VettiyaIruken · 16/03/2021 14:30

I don't imagine there's many people needing to start a thread asking for advice or support on their happy and healthy sex life with no problems.

FourTeaFallOut · 16/03/2021 14:36

It would be the height of ego to start your own thread on how amazing your sex life is, it's rude to add it to part of a discussion when the op is having a terrible time of things with her dh and it's just not cricket to stealth boast about it on a parking thread.

Ginuwine · 16/03/2021 15:03

I might be being controversial here but here goes:

So much of the "I couldn't give a fig about sex any more, I'd rather watch a box set and eat a box of chocs" is about identity and self expression.

There's almost a club mentality in such threads on Mumsnet where people compete to identify just how little interest they have in sex and how they punish their DH if he dares suggest it.

Of course I empathise with being "touched out" and motherhood, but I still believe people can preserve their identity as a sexual being independent of their offspring. Otherwise how are the folk who are having sex, and are parents, managing it?

It's not a specifically British thing but it seems to flourish here - that sort of "I'm not fancy or fussy, I don't enjoy sensuality, I had sex to have my DC and now I don't want him near me".

We then have posts where folk competitively try to find Benny Hill style humourous ways to describe "the deed", it all points for me to a sense that being sensual and self aware, and maintaining desire just isn't the done thing.

There's also the weight challenges that runs in parallel, but that's another topic I guess.

honeylulu · 16/03/2021 15:05

According to the vote twice as many posters have a good rather than bad sex life. I suppose it's generally true that people don't tend to mention it unless there's something to complain about.

Zoecarter · 16/03/2021 15:12

Unable to vote I have an absolute fantastic sex life. Even after 12 years and a toddler but we have always prioritiesed it x

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