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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think that most on MN do not have an ok/good sex life?

59 replies

Blueskywhy · 16/03/2021 12:40

So many posts on this topic recently that it has made think. I suspect it is just that people only post when there is a problem? For example, the typical posts in order of frequency based on what I've read in recent days:

  • DP/DH no longer wants to have sex
  • dysfunctional/abusive relationship and no sex
  • DP/DH wants sex, but I've totally lost interest
  • Never had an orgasm

No need to post any details, just more curious about the vote! Mine is OK/good :)

YABU - I disagree, I have an ok/good sex life

YANBU - I agree, I do not have an ok/good sex life

OP posts:
Stepinside · 16/03/2021 15:21

I think people are inclined to post when they have an experience of an issue themselves, or when they think have some insight that they believe is worth sharing. So it's more a reflection of problems than positives.

For example, if I see a post "DP/DH no longer wants to have sex", and I have some experience with that topic, then I'd more likely to read it and give my 2 cents/advice....I've done that in the past, because I had such an issue with my first long term BF.

If I see a thread where the OP says they "Never had an orgasm" ... then I'd think wow that is so unusual/strange/unbelievable, and I would not be inclined to post a reply.

BTW, I think mine is ok :) But DH says it's great ;) Hahaha

Stepinside · 16/03/2021 15:22

@Zoecarter, it's interesting that you prioritized it, that doubtless is a factor!

BlackRibboner · 16/03/2021 15:31

3 under 5, utterly exhausted and touched out and yes it's a big problem. I wouldn't assume that was the case for everyone though and I hope it's not a permanent one for us - even if taking the pill at the moment is the ultimate demonstration of hope over experience Sad

GrolliffetheDragon · 16/03/2021 15:37

I voted YABU.... it's good, but just not enough of it. Hopefully that will improve now the schools are open again.

sanfranfibber · 16/03/2021 15:40

I think what will skew your results is there seem to be lots of posters on here who are happy with their sex life even if it isn't good/others wouldn't think it was good.

Eg "DH and I have great sex twice a month" would be a good sex life for someone, and poor for others.

Original poster
Blueskywhy · 16/03/2021 15:50

@sanfranfibber, i guess that those who are think it's ok/good are fine with that, that's what really matters, it's right for them.

Thanks for those who voted. 65% ok/positive is much higher than I would have expected. Good news :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueskywhy · 16/03/2021 15:52

@Reinventinganna, no I've not really looked at the sex board, just had a look and not much traffic there really. Typically I only scan AIBU and chat.

OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 16/03/2021 16:11

I find mumsnet is very weird about sex. Wanting sex is often regarded as being a pest, not wanting sex seems to be seen as the norm. Having fetishes/ kinks/ wanting anything other than loving and gentle sex is met with complete disapproval and sometimes even horror.

TheRiverKnows · 16/03/2021 16:33

@TurkeyTrot you said "Points 1 and 3 in the OP imply that it was OK before but something has changed....."

I'd say that is generally correct, but with notable exceptions. I was in a LTR, engaged, etc. with DP not really wanting/engaging. Looking back, he was able to lead me along, think things would get better later. Luckily I ended the relationship (after 5 years!). It was so difficult because he was great in so many many ways. It left my confidence shattered.

He went on and got married and kids, but the basically the same issue ended their marriage.

Onmydoorstep · 16/03/2021 19:10

The thread almost assumes that there needs to a relationship and another person.

If I answered this in the past I've could have said things were ok/good, even while solo IYSWIM. I'd guess a lot of people can be solo for longer periods of their life, teenager, in between relationship, no relationships, etc.

Obviously that would not apply to the category of "Never had an orgasm" ... but that must be incredibly rare? I keep thinking surely you'd surely try figure out how it works?

Original poster
Blueskywhy · 16/03/2021 19:14

Of course I'd assume that the solo category can be great for people too (unless you are unfortunate enough to never had an orgasm)

OP posts:
SoftParade · 16/03/2021 19:19

The poll is very positive, much more so than I would have thought.

As mentioned above, for those of us in relationships I wonder how our partners would give a rating. Of course, in my case it would be great, since I've known to put lots of effort into everything I do Halo

nyteflyte · 17/03/2021 09:06

I think if you are in a relationship, and it is not in a good place, then I'd think ok/good sex is probably unlikely. Sadly, I know a good few people in that place, and have been there myself.

The "never had an orgasm" issues is of course going to have a big impact. Unlike the relationship issues, that is easily addressable by doing some research yourself, or worst case a visit to your GP and then we'd give a referral if needed. DM has a 90% success rate, so it's a silly thing to live unresolved www.glowm.com/section-view/heading/treatment-of-orgasmic-dysfunction-in-women/item/431#.YFHE3LT7RQI

ThornAmongstRoses · 17/03/2021 09:08

Is an ok/good sex life all we should be aiming for?

What about the option of, “I have a fucking AMAZING sex life!”

I don’t by the way Grin

ScarfaceCwaw · 17/03/2021 09:14

I honestly think a lot of people on here just don't like sex, or their own bodies or anyone else's. I'm continually amazed by the germaphobia, squeamishness and elaborate cleaning rituals. Someone was complaining the other day about how sex just wasn't worth the extensive cleanup they had to do afterwards and I was like "...What?"

17 years with DH and two small DC here and our sex life is good/great. The frequency is less than when we were younger and unencumbered but it's always been important to both of us to make time for it. And it's better in some ways now as we've got deeper trust in each other and discovered new things together.

I don't find it weird/unusual that some women have never orgasmed at all - I knew that was a thing. I do find it slightly weird and surprising how rigid some people are about sex on here, and all the competing about how disinterested they are and how disgusting their male partners are.

lookoutmama · 17/03/2021 09:32

I've given a positive reply in the vote, even though I've always considered that I had a low sex drive. I realised that in my teens/20s compared to my friends.

I've been with DH for 25 years, and at this stage I know what he wants/likes in most parts of life! I've always been happy to go along with him in that area, since really I enjoy him been pleased.

So that works for me, because he's always been an amazing DH through a lot of difficult times.

Stepinside · 17/03/2021 10:37

@lookoutmama, what you say makes sense for me. In a relationship two people are involved in sex, so of course it takes effort from both. I'd imagine having sex with one of the parties making no effort must be crap, for both parties. That obviously won't be ok/good.

LucieStar · 17/03/2021 10:51

@LittleGwyneth

I find mumsnet is very weird about sex. Wanting sex is often regarded as being a pest, not wanting sex seems to be seen as the norm. Having fetishes/ kinks/ wanting anything other than loving and gentle sex is met with complete disapproval and sometimes even horror.
Have to agree with this.

I have no complaints and am very happyGrin

KnotKnot · 17/03/2021 11:28

@LucieStar @ScarfaceCwaw I understand what you both mean. But what this vote shows is that people mostly post when they have a problem, or had a similar problem. If everything is OK, then they don't post, and the non-posters are probably a majority.

@nyteflyte, thanks for the post/link. I went through the path of GP referral -> therapist and DM program. I really helped me a lot, and DH of course :) There is a lot of ignorance out there

LucieStar · 17/03/2021 11:45

[quote KnotKnot]**@LucieStar* @ScarfaceCwaw* I understand what you both mean. But what this vote shows is that people mostly post when they have a problem, or had a similar problem. If everything is OK, then they don't post, and the non-posters are probably a majority.

@nyteflyte, thanks for the post/link. I went through the path of GP referral -> therapist and DM program. I really helped me a lot, and DH of course :) There is a lot of ignorance out there[/quote]

Good point, makes a lot of sense. I've never posted about my sex life on here precisely because I'm very happy with it.

Sexnotgender · 17/03/2021 11:49

Mine was ok but I’m nearly 9 months pregnant and it’s dwindled a bit😂

SeptemberGurl · 17/03/2021 12:17

Another factor is how important a role it has in the relationship, for some it might be down the priority list, for others not so.

In my case for any DH special occasions, if I asked him if he'd like tennis coaching class, his favorite teams jersey, a really nice meal out or an evening of sex...he'd always goes for the last one :) No complaints from me though! Married 30 years!

Moomoolandmoomooland · 17/03/2021 12:24

@Ginuwine

I might be being controversial here but here goes:

So much of the "I couldn't give a fig about sex any more, I'd rather watch a box set and eat a box of chocs" is about identity and self expression.

There's almost a club mentality in such threads on Mumsnet where people compete to identify just how little interest they have in sex and how they punish their DH if he dares suggest it.

Of course I empathise with being "touched out" and motherhood, but I still believe people can preserve their identity as a sexual being independent of their offspring. Otherwise how are the folk who are having sex, and are parents, managing it?

It's not a specifically British thing but it seems to flourish here - that sort of "I'm not fancy or fussy, I don't enjoy sensuality, I had sex to have my DC and now I don't want him near me".

We then have posts where folk competitively try to find Benny Hill style humourous ways to describe "the deed", it all points for me to a sense that being sensual and self aware, and maintaining desire just isn't the done thing.

There's also the weight challenges that runs in parallel, but that's another topic I guess.

This. There is definitely an attitude I've picked up on here that sex is not something to be encouraged on enjoyed by women.
SeptemberGurl · 17/03/2021 14:26

@Moomoolandmoomooland, said "an attitude I've picked up on here that sex is not something to be encouraged on enjoyed by women"'.

I think it comes back to people being inclined to post negatives rather than positives in these type of forums. It's kinda interesting to see that reviews on sites like amazon include all the good stuff, and the bad, on a product. But then again we don't purchase or review our sex lives there ... yet???

My mind boggles at the "never had an orgasm". It's not always easy for me, and I need some help, but I figured out what to do. I'd find it really really strange to be in a relationship where my partner never came, in fact I don't think it would last.

Borntohula · 17/03/2021 14:32

I have as much sex as possible but then, we don't have kids together, live together and we're only 3ish years in. I'm definitely not 'glam' either... poor bloke.