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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with him...

76 replies

sandybeaches74 · 16/03/2021 11:31

So I met a new man just before the lockdown happened, I was 2 years on from a horrible divorce with my narcissistic ex and was taking it slowly with the new guy. We were dating, having a few weekends away etc. Then lockdown happened and we became more serious as he started spending all his time here.

Fast forward 18 months now since we got together and we are having two issues. The first is that there is an issue of jealousy and nastiness when he gets drunk, he can't control his mouth and says needlessly nasty things to me, the second is that he's really hung up on money and keeps going on about how he needs a better job, comments that judge people based on how much money they earn etc etc. On the positive side, which is huge, he is really kind, can't do enough for me, has helped me with some huge projects in the house and basically wants to spend time with me, which my exDH never did.

I just feel like that's not good enough and that these negative issues are actually quite significant. Also that maybe once lockdown is over and we are back to a normal life, that these issues are going to become larger, when I want to go out and see friends, or we want to go out together to the pub and have a drink.

I feel really sad as for once someone was kind to me, I felt like the centre of his world but I also feel really concerned about these issues. I probably already know the answer but AIBU to break up with him for those two things. The jealousy thing is unlikely to get better right?

OP posts:
Tangogolf55 · 16/03/2021 11:44

Ditch him. This shouldn’t be a question.

JustLyra · 16/03/2021 11:48

The jealousy thing is very likley to get worse.

CareBear50 · 16/03/2021 11:50

Sorry OP, but he's bad news..this will get worse

nevernotstruggling · 16/03/2021 11:53

3 red flags there!

NormanStangerson · 16/03/2021 11:55

I think your judgement is clouded by the terrible experience with your ex. This isn’t a good man.

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 16/03/2021 11:56

Hmm it's as I thought. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me keep attracting these types Hmm

OP posts:
Maggie900 · 16/03/2021 11:57

Is the jealousy only evident after he has had a drink?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2021 11:59

The first is that there is an issue of jealousy and nastiness when he gets drunk, he can't control his mouth and says needlessly nasty things to me

This issue is the only one you need to dump this that. Sadly, you have traded one abusive man for another. You really need therapy to figure out why you keep attaching yourself to men like this.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 16/03/2021 11:59

AIBU to break up with him for those two things?

You can break up with someone for any reason you like, you dont have to justify it to anyone. There's no children involved.

Mintjulia · 16/03/2021 12:02

Have you tried telling him your concerns?

If he generally makes you happy, it has to be worth a conversation. If he reacts badly, you'll know for sure to leave, but at least you'll have tried to get to the bottom of it.

Shoxfordian · 16/03/2021 12:02

You know what you want to do and you don’t need anyone’s approval to do it

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 16/03/2021 12:03

@Maggie900 yes in the main although I'd say it's simmering under the surface. He's not a horrible man, I think it stems from his own lack of self esteem.

So yes while his behaviour is unacceptable, he isn't a dark, nasty character like my ex was. It still doesn't make it ok though

OP posts:
MrsTulipTattsyrup · 16/03/2021 12:03

Take a step back and look at what you’ve written.

He’s really kind - except you then say he’s really nasty when drunk.

Can’t do enough for you - except stop getting drunk and being vile to you.

Wants to spend time with you - part of which he spends getting drunk and being nasty to you.

You don’t need a reason to end any relationship. But this one really isn’t worth trying to save.

Don’t waste your precious time and energy on someone who doesn’t like you enough not to be nasty to you. You deserve much better.

CreosoteQueen · 16/03/2021 12:05

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because he’s not as shit as your ex, he’s a decent guy. The jealousy thing is a huge red flag and likely to get worse. You deserve a genuinely decent man, not just one who is less awful than your ex.

Bumblebee1980a · 16/03/2021 12:06

End it. He will only get worse. He is what he is.

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 16/03/2021 12:07

@CreosoteQueen that's exactly my concern and what I feel. Thank you

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 16/03/2021 12:08

Have you done the freedom programme? Might help you avoid this next time

UndercoverIntrovert · 16/03/2021 12:14

I think you ask anonymously like this because you need people behind you to assure you that your doubts are justified and if you did leave, that would be ok.
You could tell him how you feel but I bet he would be full of remorse and make you lots of promises. And then you would feel edgy every time he had a drink. It's not worth it. Walk away. It's hard now but you will look back and know you dodged a bullet.

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 16/03/2021 12:19

I asked because when someone treats you the way my ex treated me you sometimes lose a grip on what's acceptable, what's potentially solvable and what's a red line. That perspective gets distorted over time and you lose yourself a bit.

With lockdown and not seeing my friends as much I just have struggled to see the wood for the trees a little in this new situation. Particularly when 90% of the time, he was being a lovely person and I enjoyed his company very much.

OP posts:
Dontknownow86 · 16/03/2021 12:25

My dp would be horrible to me or start crying if he had been drinking, he totally couldn't handle his drink well, so he has stopped drinking completely. He's been lovely now for years. If this is three main issue I'd ask if he'd be willing to stop drinking around you.

Mylovelyhorsee · 16/03/2021 12:49

He sounds abusive to me. Just because he’s better than your ex it doesn’t make him good.

LittlestBoho · 16/03/2021 13:11

Your ex was a 10/10 arsehole and this new guy is a 6/10 arsehole, so a slight improvement, but still bad.

I second doing The Freedom Programme. It teaches you what signs to look out for in a relationship and how to avoid crappy men.

Fingers crossed that your next boyfriend is a 0/10 arsehole! Grin

FinallyHere · 16/03/2021 13:26

an issue of jealousy and nastiness when he gets drunk, he can't control his mouth and says needlessly nasty things to me,

There really is no question here, if he can't control his mouth and says nasty things to you, ditch him, no eating or wondering, chuck him out. Don't waste your life wondering whether it really is bad enough to break up about. It really is bad enough.

Why would you chose to have someone in your life who say needlessly nasty things. If he is saying these things, he is thinking them. You really don't need to put up with this.

Still1nLove · 16/03/2021 13:35

I am interested to know what does he say to you?

What is his response when you discuss your concerns with him?

Not that it matters, you don’t deserve to be treated badly and worry about his reaction when you are able to go out and socialise with your friends.

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 16/03/2021 13:43

@Still1nLove

Well this is going to sound awful but he will literally be perfectly fine, happy, chilled.. then drink too much and all of sudden he will call me a name (something like slag) or he will say, you're a piece of shit or something like that. Then in the morning will remember none of it and when I inevitably bring it up he will have no memory of doing it and is aghast that it's happened. Before lockdown he'd get a bit like this when we were out but then he'd just leave and go home to bed.

To put this into perspective, this is an occasional thing and always when he's had alcohol to drink.

OP posts:
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