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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up with him...

76 replies

sandybeaches74 · 16/03/2021 11:31

So I met a new man just before the lockdown happened, I was 2 years on from a horrible divorce with my narcissistic ex and was taking it slowly with the new guy. We were dating, having a few weekends away etc. Then lockdown happened and we became more serious as he started spending all his time here.

Fast forward 18 months now since we got together and we are having two issues. The first is that there is an issue of jealousy and nastiness when he gets drunk, he can't control his mouth and says needlessly nasty things to me, the second is that he's really hung up on money and keeps going on about how he needs a better job, comments that judge people based on how much money they earn etc etc. On the positive side, which is huge, he is really kind, can't do enough for me, has helped me with some huge projects in the house and basically wants to spend time with me, which my exDH never did.

I just feel like that's not good enough and that these negative issues are actually quite significant. Also that maybe once lockdown is over and we are back to a normal life, that these issues are going to become larger, when I want to go out and see friends, or we want to go out together to the pub and have a drink.

I feel really sad as for once someone was kind to me, I felt like the centre of his world but I also feel really concerned about these issues. I probably already know the answer but AIBU to break up with him for those two things. The jealousy thing is unlikely to get better right?

OP posts:
Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 17/03/2021 11:52

@Wavescrashingonthebeach you wonder what goes through their minds. I'm fairly sure the behaviour isn't calculated this time round (my ex knew what he was doing all the time which made it even more terrible) but it doesn't make it any more acceptable.

OP posts:
Sahm101 · 17/03/2021 11:53

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me keep attracting these types 

I think the very fact that you are even questioning 3 red flags, gives these types the opportunity to worm their way in. You know this isn't ok.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 17/03/2021 11:57

@sandybeaches74

They often have unresolved feelings of anger & low self esteem which rise to the surface but its not our job to be the proverbial punching bag.
Once you have been in one abusive relationship it is really easy to fall into a cycle of it. Its partly a combination of falling for a certain type of person, plus i think they pick up on it early on and recognise your low confidence.

Sometimes just having a long break away from relationships helps to put things in perspective.

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 17/03/2021 12:01

@Wavescrashingonthebeach I think that's exactly it in this case.

Yes I'm definitely not jumping into anything again anytime soon! I'm actually feeling good about myself, it was just difficult to get my head around the fact that this was another shitty situation. Quite depressing actually!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/03/2021 12:11

Instead you should be proud of yourself for recognising it so early on.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 17/03/2021 12:24

Instead you should be proud of yourself for recognising it so early on.

100% this Smile

You've had a lucky escape, but not too much harm done and you are learning and growing! I know its a massive cliche but time to focus on yourself!

Assertiveness, confidence, self belief - good goals to focus on.

Weirdfan · 17/03/2021 12:24

I don't know what the heck is wrong with me keep attracting these types

The only difference between you and women who don't 'attract' these types is that they trust their instincts and walk away at the first sign. This is you learning to do the same, and you are learning or you wouldn't be here asking for confirmation. Next time you won't even need confirmation, you'll just dump and move on Smile

LolaSmiles · 17/03/2021 12:28

The only difference between you and women who don't 'attract' these types is that they trust their instincts and walk away at the first sign. This is you learning to do the same, and you are learning or you wouldn't be here asking for confirmation. Next time you won't even need confirmation, you'll just dump and move on
This, 100%.
It's amazing that the OP has seen the red flags and has asked for people's thoughts.

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 17/03/2021 12:49

@LolaSmiles @Weirdfan

Thank you for understanding! I have seen the red flags. I just needed some moral support I suppose and to know that I could trust myself. I didn't really want to involve my family or close friends as I'm not sure they've recovered from all the drama of my marriage ending! Confused

OP posts:
Mollymopple · 17/03/2021 20:28

It seems like you have a distorted view of your relationships..... almost like you have justified he is ok because when compared to your ex he is an improvement.
His behaviour is still way below standard op!

Eekay · 17/03/2021 20:42

How manipulative. Oh dear, yes I've been horrible. Tell you what, you massively curtail your social life and go home when I tell you and then I won't lose my temper and insult you.
Fuck that. He's a pig.
I think you have great insight and I wish you well and a calm, happy life doing what you bloody well feel like - without him dragging you down.

windymillertheecowarrior · 17/03/2021 20:43

I'm glad to read the conclusion you have come to, ending the relationship it seems.

JustLyra · 17/03/2021 20:50

[quote sandybeaches74]@Bananalanacake he'd been staying but doesn't now since the last episode. He has paid his way with everything his has, as I say, other than these issues that pop up when he's drunk, he's really kind. He's spoilt me, helped me with his time, nothing has been too much.

I spoke to him about it last night and he's really sad. He's very sorry and I can see how angry he is with himself on his face but his solution is to avoid situations where it might happen. So stop going out with friends etc, he even suggesting coming home after 2 drinks. It's not that I can't see he's trying but my life became restricted in my last relationship and I'm not keen on feeling trapped like that again as I'm a social person and hopefully will also travel again for work once we all can get back to normal. I think I know what I need to do. [/quote]
So his solution to him being a dick is that you restrict your life? All that shows is that he’s not only a dick when he’s drunk, but also when sober and pretending to be really sad.

For comparison - my DH was horrible to me and a friend of his one of the first times we ever got drunk together. The next day he was mortified. It was one of the first times he’d ever been drunk and he has never been drunk since. Even though we’ve since found out he shouldn’t have been drinking on medication he was on at the time and that likely contributed he has still never risked it again.

Making you responsible for his behaviour is abusive. Just because he’s not as bad as your ex doesn’t mean he’s good.

Original poster
sandybeaches74 · 19/03/2021 01:23

Thanks everyone - I've now split up with him!

OP posts:
Feelingconfusedtonight · 19/03/2021 01:25

@JustLyra

The jealousy thing is very likley to get worse.
This.
Feelingconfusedtonight · 19/03/2021 01:28

@sandybeaches74 we cross posted. For what it’s worth I think you’ve made the right call. The jealousy concerned me and it was only going to get worse as you resumed your social life once restrictions lifted.

WisnaeMe · 19/03/2021 03:57

great news 🌺

sweetnessnfight · 19/03/2021 04:15

@sandybeaches74

Hmm it's as I thought. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me keep attracting these types Hmm
Many women attract these types, it's usually linked to your childhood, was there an unhealthy dynamic in your childhood home?
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 19/03/2021 05:53

depends how frequent the "getting drunk" is - once every few months - maybe tolerable, but you need to discuss why he acts the way he does.
Weekly or more frequently - move on.

Tankflybosswalkjam · 19/03/2021 06:00

Well done!

Jumpers268 · 19/03/2021 06:20

I did the same after I split with my ex. Guy was lovely and kind and like you said, did everything he could for me. But he had incredibly low self esteem and went through my entire SM and asked me who a man was etc. He was really jealous too. I struggled to end it because I thought, but he's so much better than my ex. I did end it and it was horrible. He was so mean when I did but honestly that just proved the point. You've done the right thing, and I hope you're okay! Flowers

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/03/2021 06:25

Hmm it's as I thought. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me keep attracting these types

So do I OP so I don't have relationships any more which isn't a problem as I'm 60 and happy to be alone.

It's pattern that will just go on unless you get some counselling, people like us subconsciously believe we don't deserve any better because of pain in the past.
Also there are a lot of really shit men out there.

isthismylifenow · 19/03/2021 06:43

Op, I ended a relationship 18 months in for just about these very same reasons. I started noticing them around a year in (we didnt live that close to each other so only saw each other at weekends). A true test of a relationship shows around the 12 - 18 month mark imo.

The last 6 months were the worst. The mask was slipping and the red flags were blazing.

(He didnt speak to me for 3 days because I was late meeting up him, as I had to wait for my dd who was running late at an extra mural. Although I kept in touch with him to say I was going to be late.....) This is just one example of what may be ahead of you....

Spannwr1971 · 19/03/2021 07:09

My god, if I called my wife a slag, I'd not see her for dust. He can't use being drunk as an excuse for this. I think it comes out while drunk because that's when his inhibitions are lowest. But he's vocalising his frustrations honestly at that point, and it sounds like he's making you the focus of them.

FinallyHere · 19/03/2021 10:24

@sandybeaches74

Have a handhold and 💐

Your life will now get better and better

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