To break up with him...

[sandybeaches74]

So I met a new man just before the lockdown happened, I was 2 years on from a horrible divorce with my narcissistic ex and was taking it slowly with the new guy. We were dating, having a few weekends away etc. Then lockdown happened and we became more serious as he started spending all his time here.

Fast forward 18 months now since we got together and we are having two issues. The first is that there is an issue of jealousy and nastiness when he gets drunk, he can't control his mouth and says needlessly nasty things to me, the second is that he's really hung up on money and keeps going on about how he needs a better job, comments that judge people based on how much money they earn etc etc. On the positive side, which is huge, he is really kind, can't do enough for me, has helped me with some huge projects in the house and basically wants to spend time with me, which my exDH never did.

I just feel like that's not good enough and that these negative issues are actually quite significant. Also that maybe once lockdown is over and we are back to a normal life, that these issues are going to become larger, when I want to go out and see friends, or we want to go out together to the pub and have a drink.

I feel really sad as for once someone was kind to me, I felt like the centre of his world but I also feel really concerned about these issues. I probably already know the answer but AIBU to break up with him for those two things. The jealousy thing is unlikely to get better right?

then drink too much and all of sudden he will call me a name (something like slag) or he will say, you're a piece of shit or something like that.

Noooo no no no no no get away from this vile man!!!!!!!!!!!! Many years ago when i was much younger & more naive i dated a man like this. Said nasty things when he had had a drink. It got worse and worse and he completely isolated me from my family & friends & used to say things like "Why have you had a shower? Have you had lads round or something? Il throw you out that window if you have!".

In the end i put all my stuff in bin bags and got a taxi to my Mums and left him a note on the table.

But yeah it started out how this guy is acting with you now OP. Run a fucking million miles now.

To put this into perspective, this is an occasional thing and always when he's had alcohol to drink.

If he knows he does it, he shouldnt drink at all. I wouldnt drink if it turned me into a psycho. It's no excuse whatsoever.

@sandybeaches74

Well this is going to sound awful but he will literally be perfectly fine, happy, chilled.. then drink too much and all of sudden he will call me a name (something like slag) or he will say, you're a piece of shit or something like that. Then in the morning will remember none of it and when I inevitably bring it up he will have no memory of doing it and is aghast that it's happened.

This is terrible and I cannot see a good future with someone who can flip like this once they're drunk. He sounds a mean drunk, with the potential to be dangerous, and who is already being damaged mentally if he truly cannot remember things he's said to you once he's sober.

Also

Before lockdown he'd get a bit like this when we were out but then he'd just leave and go home to bed.

He's obviously aware of how he gets once he's drunk, as he took action to get away from you before you locked down together.

Be careful, OP. You only have life - careful who you share it with. 🌹

A good test of a person is to see how they react to being told no, even over small things. Does he mostly or always get his own way, even if you disagree?

I'm also interested in how he came to do loads for you around the house. Look up "loan sharking" as described by Gavin DeBecker, its where bad people push favours on you which they then use to manipulate you. Does he push help on you, or expect things in return?

I was also going to say he sounds like he has very low self Esteem.

There is a chance you could bolster him up somewhat and it could improve but then again, it may get worse and manifest in other ways slowly over time, Invalidating your opinions etc.

He is NOT kind. A kind person would not call you names that. Ever.

I am not a great drunk.

I cry, vomit on occasion, cackle very loudly, think I’m a really good singer and that I’m extremely clever.

I have never been abusive.

He’s choosing to behave like this.

Move on - being alone is preferable to being with some abuse arsehole.

And someone’s low self esteem isn’t licence to treat someone badly ffs.

If he needs to work on himself HE needs to do it. It’s not your job.

@Merryoldgoat you sound like good company!

That's the other thing too, I love a sing and a dance with my friends when I'm drunk, he absolutely hates it when I do that. Says I embarrass him when all I'm doing is having fun. I think it's definitely a self esteem thing on his part.

Well to be fair I think I am too 🤣🤣

When I go out with my friends and come home pissed (infrequent with kids even before covid) my husband makes my toast, brings me tea and lets me have a lie in then likes to hear whatever tat I’ve got to tell him the next day.

[quote sandybeaches74]@Still1nLove

Well this is going to sound awful but he will literally be perfectly fine, happy, chilled.. then drink too much and all of sudden he will call me a name (something like slag) or he will say, you're a piece of shit or something like that. Then in the morning will remember none of it and when I inevitably bring it up he will have no memory of doing it and is aghast that it's happened. Before lockdown he'd get a bit like this when we were out but then he'd just leave and go home to bed.

To put this into perspective, this is an occasional thing and always when he's had alcohol to drink. [/quote]
Wow this will only escalate. Whether he's drunk or not, he clearly feels it's ok to call you names and seems to have a negative view of women.

Nice guys don't do this. When sober or plastered. My partner of 14 years has NEVER called me a derogative name.

Move on immediately and find someone genuinely nice. This guy is bad news and it'll only get worse.

Another vote for get rid and soon. I can't really work out what's good about being with him. Just. Get. Rid.

@Aquamarine1029

The first is that there is an issue of jealousy and nastiness when he gets drunk, he can't control his mouth and says needlessly nasty things to me

This issue is the only one you need to dump this that. Sadly, you have traded one abusive man for another. You really need therapy to figure out why you keep attaching yourself to men like this.

This.

Dies he officially live with you, can he move back to where he lived before. He sounds like another abusive man who moves in by stealth. I hope he pays his way.

Yes thank you, before my DH I never got myself into this situation. 10 years with a narcissist leaves you questioning most things! This guy is nothing like him but I asked for the perspective as lockdown leaves you without the usual ability to go and discuss with friends etc. I thought I knew the answer to the question anyway but just needed a bit of moral support I guess!

Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Like scared of dinosaurs said, abusive men do you favours to get leverage over you. It's not necessarily a sign he is kind. He sounds like an abusive mysogynist to me. He most likely hates all women, because he thinks deep down it's ok to think we are slags. He has verbalised this to you, the woman he is invested in and should care for. Run for the hills

@Bananalanacake he'd been staying but doesn't now since the last episode. He has paid his way with everything his has, as I say, other than these issues that pop up when he's drunk, he's really kind. He's spoilt me, helped me with his time, nothing has been too much.

I spoke to him about it last night and he's really sad. He's very sorry and I can see how angry he is with himself on his face but his solution is to avoid situations where it might happen. So stop going out with friends etc, he even suggesting coming home after 2 drinks. It's not that I can't see he's trying but my life became restricted in my last relationship and I'm not keen on feeling trapped like that again as I'm a social person and hopefully will also travel again for work once we all can get back to normal. I think I know what I need to do.

FFS, you need to get rid, do the Freedom Programme and stop dating for a while until you work on yourself, because the first time he did this, showed he 'gets nasty' when drunk, should have been the last time you saw him.

And yy to your having fallen into the common trap of thinking that because your ex was a 10/10 arsehole, a 6/10 one is fine.

The only acceptable abuse is none, and no, having a drink doesn't excuse it.

And do download the Lundy Bancroft book now. Find out where the Freedom Programme is, too. You can do it online.

Get rid of boyfriend now. Do NOT allow another circumstance to rush some man into your space.

You don't owe this man a face-to-face conversation or long explanations. A simple, 'I've been reflecting, working on things and myself. This relationship has run its course. I'm ending it to focus on some personal issues and so we won't be having any contact anymore. I wish you the best but this relationship is over and it's not up for discussion. Best, OPx'

The end.

His suggestion should be for him not to drink full stop if that's what happens op

He clearly or so he says has no idea he's doing it but he's a grown up so it's not on you to change your lifestyle to suit his situation.

Whether he's lovely any other time and pays his way isn't a bonus op,it's normal so that doesn't really change the shitty behaviour.

[quote sandybeaches74]@Bananalanacake he'd been staying but doesn't now since the last episode. He has paid his way with everything his has, as I say, other than these issues that pop up when he's drunk, he's really kind. He's spoilt me, helped me with his time, nothing has been too much.

I spoke to him about it last night and he's really sad. He's very sorry and I can see how angry he is with himself on his face but his solution is to avoid situations where it might happen. So stop going out with friends etc, he even suggesting coming home after 2 drinks. It's not that I can't see he's trying but my life became restricted in my last relationship and I'm not keen on feeling trapped like that again as I'm a social person and hopefully will also travel again for work once we all can get back to normal. I think I know what I need to do. [/quote]
Yeah, you do! You need to end this. 'If you want to change your life in that fashion, fantastic. You do that. But my life become too restricted in the past and I don't want it to become so again due to issues that are not mine. So this relationship has come to an end and we both need to move on.'

Do not waste more time with this guy and again, the first time he did this should have been the last time you saw him so don't date anymore until you've done a lot of work on your boundaries and self-esteem.

He's on course to become more abusive and yes, by restricting you and your actions because he can't handle booze without becoming abusive.

I can guarantee he already knows this, he's done it before and continues to drink rather than workign on it.

Like most abusers, he's looking for a rescuer/enabler to take him on as a project.

And doing the classic 'but' or 'except' thing - he's fine except when drunk, he's kind except when he smokes weed, he's lovely except when he loses his temper.

That's classic conditioning from having lived with an abuser and you need to sort yourself out with Freedom Programme and therapy as you're a target for men like this.

Didn't even get past the first bit. Get rid now!

Your post shows that you're now recognising abusive behaviour, even though you still feel you need to check. I think you know what you need to do.

Why does he drink himself into that state?
Drinking until you can't remember what is happening is not normal, and apologies are just more red flags because he has done it again and again.

What next? A slap? Punch the wall? But he will apologise the next day so its ok?

Pleaslle don't compare to your ex, these are 2 different men, Get out while you can!

How can he possibly think that the solution to him being cruel is for you to go home after 2 drinks?! You are not the problem, he is!

I'm glad you've recognised that this relationship is not healthy.

The first is that there is an issue of jealousy and nastiness when he gets drunk, he can't control his mouth and says needlessly nasty things to me,
I got to here before thinking he's abusive.

Just because he isn't as bad as your ex, doesn't make him a good man. Plenty of abusive men can't do enough for their partners at times as it's the balance to offset their abuse and leave their partner thinking 'but he can be so lovely'.

Lovely men are not abusive to their partners.

Nobody needs a 'good enough' reason to end a relationship. You can leave a relationship for any reason.

He's spoilt me, helped me with his time, nothing has been too much.

Yeah my ex did that, bought me Kurt Geiger shoes and bag & a Ralph Lauren jumper on our 3rd date at a shopping centre. He turned out to be an abusive nasty prick.
Shout at me and make me cry then try and make up for it by sending flowers to my work & buy me random things i never wanted or needed.