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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think saying this is incredibly hurtful?

61 replies

blublub · 16/03/2021 00:32

My OH said to me today that he knows ‘I’m the one’ because When other guys say ‘oh don’t you want to shag some porn star’ he can’t think of any more beautiful than me so no.
Filling out his theme, un-encouraged I may add as a preserved a stony silence, he went on the add that when other men talk about their ideal womanly figure, he doesn’t think like that but if pushed (I’m still silent) he would have to say I was on the too slim side of perfect. But it doesn’t matter because he loves me so much he doesn’t see me like that. He has form but this really took my breath away. He thought this was a compliment! AIBU to be silently outraged at this speech or not?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/03/2021 00:36

My OH said to me today that he knows ‘I’m the one’ because When other guys say ‘oh don’t you want to shag some porn star’ he can’t think of any more beautiful than me so no.
What would you have preferred his answer be? Is it because your "oneness" is focused on looks which are transient? Or that he isn't ripping into them for supporting the porn industry and valuing women based on their aesthetics / how they meet mens needs only?

SleepingStandingUp · 16/03/2021 00:38

when other men talk about their ideal womanly figure, he doesn’t think like that but if pushed (I’m still silent) he would have to say I was on the too slim side of perfect he should have stuck just with you being perfect but you're naive if you think both men and women don't discuss this

But it doesn’t matter because he loves me so much he doesn’t see me like that this is the bit that would upset me. He loves me so much he doesn't see me as what? A sexual being? Someone other people might find attractive? A woman? What??

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2021 00:39

How did this conversation get started? Does he have form for random verbal diarrhea?

Original poster
blublub · 16/03/2021 00:42

SleepingStandingUp I think it was the idea that he watches porn that I really don’t like the idea of. It made me feel like a sexual object. It seemed disrespectful of all the things to focus on about why I’m the one for him, it was my looks.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 16/03/2021 00:43

Had he been drinking?

I'm not sure what to make of it. All I can take away from it at the moment, is he knows you're the one because he doesn't want to fuck anyone in the porn industry and he thinks you're a bit too thin?

MinnieJackson · 16/03/2021 00:47

OP have you been drinking with your partner tonight? I think he was trying to give you a compliment. Are there any other problems? Only asking because apart from the skinny part I think he was just trying to tell you how much he loves you. Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 16/03/2021 00:47

@blublub

SleepingStandingUp I think it was the idea that he watches porn that I really don’t like the idea of. It made me feel like a sexual object. It seemed disrespectful of all the things to focus on about why I’m the one for him, it was my looks.
I didn't get from your post that he watches porn. Does he or is that what you've extrapolated?

I do get your point about it all being looks focused. You're the one for me cos you're hot. I'd have asked what happens of you gain 10 stone and warts.

Original poster
blublub · 16/03/2021 00:47

SleepingStandingUp I know they do, but I have never verbalised his less than ideal physical attributes to either himself or friends. It just wouldn’t occur to me! Ofcourse I have complimented other men’s physicality to friends, but again not to my OH. I think he meant that as I am the woman for him, my detrimental attributes (apparently being too slim?!) do not weigh on his scales of love. He loves me despite it. I think it’s the fact he felt the need to mention it at all that upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
blublub · 16/03/2021 00:49

WorraLiberty That pretty much sums it up.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/03/2021 00:50

As others have asked, what started it and how sober is he?

I can understand why you're upset, esp if you're conscious of your weight. But I wouldn't be incredibly hurt because I do accept I'm not DHs perfect physics type but that he loves me enough that it doesn't matter but if we broke up he wouldn't necessarily go for someone like me physically at the start.

But no, it doesn't need spelling out by him

Original poster
blublub · 16/03/2021 00:51

MinnieJackson Neither of us drink. I think maybe you’re right and on reflection I am perhaps being too sensitive.

OP posts:
Glitteryone · 16/03/2021 00:51

Sounds like a conversation 15 year olds would have

WorraLiberty · 16/03/2021 00:54

@blublub

MinnieJackson Neither of us drink. I think maybe you’re right and on reflection I am perhaps being too sensitive.
Maybe a little oversensitive but (and I appreciate we're all different), if that was me I'd have said "Oh? So nothing about my personality? My brain? My sense of humour etc?

Did you say anything like that?

Because if you did, it might've given him the chance to redeem himself .

Original poster
blublub · 16/03/2021 00:55

SleepingStandingUp I think I know the answer to that. I guess he watches porn but we’re both quite old fashioned and don’t talk about it. Which is how I like it. He does occasionally say random shit like this that I find quite hurtful and disrespectful which is why I posted.

OP posts:
Original poster
blublub · 16/03/2021 00:56

Glitteryone That was helpful thank you.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 16/03/2021 00:57

‘oh don’t you want to shag some porn star’

Any man who would say that to me, I would reply "Fuck off out of my life"

Fucking creep.

Original poster
blublub · 16/03/2021 01:03

WorraLiberty No I didn’t and I know he would have backtracked and said ofcourse. It’s just the thing he focused on of all the things he could have, as to why I’m the women for him. We have been separated for two years and have started seeing each other again the past five months very slowly. We split up because he was depressed and aggressive with it. But he has sought help in the interim and is actually making changes in his life rather than ignoring things like before. Mainly I want to try as we have a child together and I still love him. Maybe everything before is just making me hyper sensitive.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 16/03/2021 01:03

@Iflyaway

‘oh don’t you want to shag some porn star’

Any man who would say that to me, I would reply "Fuck off out of my life"

Fucking creep.

It wasn't her op who asked about the porn stars.

I agree with Words that I'd have said something and that's probably why I'd have ended up less offended.

If he'd have made the porn star comment, I'd have asked how he knows what they look like and would he trade me for Cat off CBeebies?

But then DH isn't usually a disrespectful dick and there's no other issues in our marriage. If there were, I might be more upset x

Original poster
blublub · 16/03/2021 01:06

Iflyaway Unfortunately a lot of men talk like that together.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 16/03/2021 01:11

I would not be at all happy about OH discussing porn stars with his mates and comparing them to their partners.

That's pretty grim and really immature.

The fact that his mates assume he would fuck someone else if he got the chance is grim as well.

YANBU.

tolerable · 16/03/2021 01:20

how can you keep silent when..pist off?cant be me n the lads were taalking....cos//hello online mumsnet forum... i suggest get a wand.then tell him it undertand your needs and feelings.

LunaHeather · 16/03/2021 01:25

@blublub

Iflyaway Unfortunately a lot of men talk like that together.
Yes Do you mind if I ask how old he is?
FuckYouCorona · 16/03/2021 01:43

It does sound like a very immature conversation tbh. I'm guessing that he is very young.

CreosoteQueen · 16/03/2021 04:37

Bloody hell, he’s missed the mark there hasn’t he? Yanbu at all, that was hardly a sensitive and thoughtful compliment.

HeartsAndClubs · 16/03/2021 05:05

So you asked him if he wanted to shag a porn star, so the one focusing on looks was you, and then when he gives you an answer relating to the looks of someone you don’t like it?

I suspect that if he’d said “no, because porn stars don’t seem to have personality” you would have taken offence at that as well...

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