To think saying this is incredibly hurtful?

[blublub]

My OH said to me today that he knows ‘I’m the one’ because When other guys say ‘oh don’t you want to shag some porn star’ he can’t think of any more beautiful than me so no.
Filling out his theme, un-encouraged I may add as a preserved a stony silence, he went on the add that when other men talk about their ideal womanly figure, he doesn’t think like that but if pushed (I’m still silent) he would have to say I was on the too slim side of perfect. But it doesn’t matter because he loves me so much he doesn’t see me like that. He has form but this really took my breath away. He thought this was a compliment! AIBU to be silently outraged at this speech or not?

Surely he's just trying to say that, whilst some men are appalled at the idea of having sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives, he is fine with it, and wouldn't even be tempted by a stunning woman, and that's how he knows you're the one.

He could've expressed it better, but I wouldn't find it 'incredibly hurtful', no.

YANBU

He and his friends sound really gross.

Why did his friends go to porn star as opposed to say a film star?

Is this their dream goal in life? - that is revolting.

Lucky you

Sounds like a clumsy but well-meant attempt at a compliment. I’d feel sick if DH and his mates were into porn, but I know it’s very common among younger men.

He is objectifying you into a set of physical attributes that he can live with. It doesn't sound remotely like love to me. Sorry OP.

No you are not unreasonable. It probably put you in a lot of pressure that your body must stay the same for the rest of your life and you know it is not always possible

He's shoved both feet into his mouth complete with shoes, and I can see why you weren't impressed.

But. Could it be he started with a compliment - a 'I know you're the one because no other woman appeals, even these ones who are specifically marketed (boak) to appeal to men' so if any would, it would be them.

And then your stony silence was not what he expected, he knew he was going wrong, not sure how, keep talking, make it better not working, panic more, tell her she's slim, oh god, what if she thinks I won't think she's pretty if she gains weight, maybe too slim, shit, that made it worse...

Meant to say OP, not to minimise your upset at all, but only you know if he's the sort to be having a go at negging / unsubtle hints about your appearance or if he's just a bit hopeless at expressing himself and struggles to stop digging.

@blublub

Iflyaway Unfortunately a lot of men talk like that together.

What difference does that make? Lots of men whistle at women as they walk past. Lots of men are abusive to their wives. What's your point?

OP, anybody comparing their partner to a porn star suggests that their bar for sexual choices is very, very base.

There is no such thing as oversensitive; if it hurt you, it hurt you. That's your response, you can't change it and nobody who cares about you would want you to try to change your feelings. Your feelings are the definition of who you are. Rejection of them is rejection of you at your very core.

I would say yes, you're feeling sensitive because of the way he's treated you before, but my question is: why do you think that means you need to try not to have your feelings? You've been burned, and so now you're extra specially scared of fire; that's a natural, healthy, early warning system, and you are choosing to say 'Oh, that's just the alarms going off because there's a fire. Just switch them off; this fire isn't the sort that actually burns people', and you're saying it whilst it is burning you.

LISTEN to your feelings. They're not just peripheral annoying things; they are signposts to a contented life, good relationships with others, and a good relationship with yourself. Keep away from people who give you bad feelings. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter how sensitive you are. Their reasons for doing it don't matter.

It matters that you feel bad.

It was a badly executed compliment.

Perhaps he 'doesn't see you that way' because he sees you as MORE than just an object. My experience is when I'm in live with someone, I can't look at them objectively because I love them.

Tbh- op you're blaming him for not communicating well, but neither are you. Talk to him! And for heavens sake if you don't talk about porn, you can't be angry with him because he doesn't share your views.
Talk!!

Massive red flag to me.

he doesn’t think like that but if pushed (I’m still silent) he would have to say I was on the too slim side of perfect.

It the I love you despite your "faults", it's a way of making you feel shit but without being able to be called out on it as they are giving you a "compliment". Designed to make you feel bad about an aspect of yourself but think well he still loves me despite this, my mum's abusive ex did this to her, escalated to telling her that work colleagues were laughing at her lisp but he never joined it, ending with him beating her up.

• when I'm in LOVE...not live ☺☺

So his ‘bar’ for you being ‘the one’ is that you’re good looking enough to stop him thinking about sex with a porn star, and also ‘enough’ for him to overlook what he has deemed to be your physical flaws.

Nothing about other more meaningful things, like if he thinks about his future he sees you in it, or your other, less transient, qualities?

Excellent

You need to learn his love language. Start listing all the men you don't want to shag, despite them being more physically perfect than him. Romance guy style.

Women shouldn't settle for emotionally illiterate men who are disconnected from their feelings and who regard women as sexual objects. Just my opinion!

Maybe you don’t need to be giving this relationship another go. He sounds immature and ok, some men do talk like this but not men I would want to date

I think you are massive overreacting here.

I am more concern how he is aggressive to the point you had to separate

It sounds like he and his mates were having a general discussion about women ( in the same way us women may discuss the Brigerton duke), and he said he prefers his wife. I think you are overthinking this and it is a compliment.

It reminds me of the Ed Sheeran lyric.

“Cause all of me loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections”

I'm stunned by how many women think that what he said is OK.

He knows you're 'the one' because of the way you look.

How you look isn't quite to his taste but it's acceptable.

Some men are awkward and tactless, some are jerks, some are manipulative and controlling. You need to work out which he is and also think about why you didn't challenge him.

Doona that made me laugh! I might try reversing it next time. Although I know he’ll just get offended and say he was trying to tell me how he feels.

I don’t think we are just our feelings. That’s incredibly irresponsible imo. I think we should live life by principles and morales.

He is in his early fifties and I am forty. He has always been incredibly immature. We have been together for 6 years. I do not want to start again and I want my child to live with both their parents. I have seen friends with kids divorce around me and it’s always the children that seem to bare the brunt of adults putting themselves first.

The thing I have taken away from everyone’s comments seems to be better communication. Pandering to the male ego has never been my strong point but I will just have to suck it up I guess. I just remember how he used to explode at the least Little thing before we split up, it was like walking on egg shells. I realise this was his mental health and things have changed now but it’s hard for me to get out of that mind set and be more assertive.

OP,

He sounds so dim.

You are giving up a lot to get back together.

Protect yourself.

Reads to me like you getting back together means you are giving up your life for a much older man all because you can't bear being divorced.

Many single parents raise great children.

Can’t believe how many people are saying YABU. If he’d said you were just a little bit too fat for him but he loved you anyway, there might be different responses!