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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New grandson is the favourite

56 replies

AIBUlurker · 15/03/2021 15:23

I think I am potentially being over-sensitive here. I have a son who has just turned one and my sister had a baby a week ago. They are the only two grandchildren in our family.

As soon as my sister announced she was pregnant, my parents kept making comments about how my son would have to get used to no longer being the centre of attention and that he would "have competition now".

Since my sister's son was born, my parents can barely stop talking about him and practically seem to have forgotten about the existence of my son.

Last week I had a day off work to look after my son due to lack of childcare that day. My parents said they would like to meet up with me and my son for a walk - we haven't seen them since the end of November. They hoped they could tie it in with visiting the new grandchild.

However, my sister was overdue and ended up being induced. It became clear the baby wouldn't have arrived the day I had off work, so my parents cancelled seeing me and my son. They didn't want to have to make the effort to drive to the city my sister and I both live in twice in just a few days.

When they did visit the new grandson, it was on a day I was at work and my son at nursery. My parents said they would see us "some other time".

Of course, I get it, a new brand new baby is very exciting, but it just feels like my son is now "old news" and no longer interesting.

I think this is all heightened as my son's entire first year has been spent with lockdowns / covid restrictions so we have barely seen family and many of my friends have never met him.

Has anyone else had a similar experience. Did things settle down after a while? I hope that we are not in for a lifetime of our sons being constantly compared to one another.

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 15/03/2021 15:26

What is the AIBU?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/03/2021 15:29

Take a deep breath. Give it a few months to settle down, for lockdown to be relaxed. See how they are in the longer term.

The only time i have seen simialr the preferreed grandchild was the son of the very much preferred Golden Child. So I know it does happen. But you know your family situation best

candlemasbells · 15/03/2021 15:30

I hope your parents are just excited and being very insensitive and things settle down soon.
I think if they had seen your son a lot and made a bond with him it would have been different but they have missed out on the baby stage of your son.
How well do you get on with your sister and would she be likely to say they can’t treat them differently

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 15/03/2021 15:32

My dds grandparents did this....... The final straw was photos of my dd being taken from their frames (( they were never interested in ds as he was a boy)) and being replaced with pictures of the new, improved model.
I haven't spoken to the grandmother for 15 years and just about tolerate the grandad who was harmless but passive....... Obviously I'm not advocating such extremes but if it carries on past new baby excitement keep an eye on it. And make the best decision for your family.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/03/2021 15:37

New baby is one week old? Yabu. Brand new babies get to be centre of attention for a month or two. Being born is a big deal. Give it some time and try not to seek out problems. If they’re playing favourites in a few months then you can get annoyed.

luxxlisbon · 15/03/2021 15:41

Your sister only had a baby a week ago, I'm sure if the situation was reversed and sister had the older baby and you only had a baby a week ago you would have more attention too.

Original poster

AIBUlurker · 15/03/2021 15:45

I get on well with my sister and parents - in general, we are a close family. However, I do think my mum, in particular, approves more of my sister's life. My sister married her school sweetheart and now they have a baby and are selling their flat to move to a house in the suburbs. She is planning to have a full year of maternity leave and has a job that will allow for part-time working.

I, on the other hand, had a baby with my long-term boyfriend of 5 years, but we weren't married. I lived and worked abroad and spent a lot of time focusing on my career before "settling down". I had my baby a few days before I turned 35. I took 10 months maternity leave and am now working full-time. My mum has asked me numerous times about whether I can work part-time, or whether I have thought about moving jobs / a career change.

So, I guess I am sensitive both about the new baby being the (current) favourite and about the way my parents perceive my way of mothering.

OP posts:

pepsicolagirl · 15/03/2021 15:51

I was all ready to tell you YABU but I actually get it. Your babies exciting first year was pissed on by covid and lockdown and you are well within your rights to grieve that but it is not your sisters fault lovely, don't miss out on her exciting time by letting resentments grow between you.

If you feel like your Mum is critical of you then address it with her but if you don't want to be compared to your sister then perhaps you should stop comparing yourself also.

Hopefully they will snap out of this in a while but in the meantime just go with it if you can or remove yourself and get on with life if you find that easier.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 15/03/2021 15:52

It's a new baby. Of course they are excited. You're being completely over sensitive.

Lacucuracha · 15/03/2021 15:58

As pp say, things may settle down as they get used to new baby.

However, sounds like you think there may be some favouritism towards sis so watch our for that and don't give more of yourself then parents are willing to give to you and your son.

Let them suggest a time to meet up, don't run after them.

Mylovelyhorsee · 15/03/2021 16:01

I think you’re being over sensitive.

JackieTheFart · 15/03/2021 16:04

YAB so U! The baby is a week old. These are your hang ups - can you really square away a normally close relationship with your parents judging your baby based on your choices?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2021 16:06

What an obnoxious, fucking ridiculous thing to say. Who thinks like this about their own grandchildren? Well, your family apparently. That's awful.

Crowsaregreat · 15/03/2021 16:08

Understandable, but you're being over sensitive. New babies change at the speed of light, and they missed out on seeing your baby a lot in the early days. You'll only know as time goes on if there really is a preference.

Sahm101 · 15/03/2021 16:08

I do think you are being oversensitive but it's understandable given you had your baby during lockdown.
I don't think they did anything wrong in not wanting to make two trips especially if it's a distance. And they probably got too busy with the new baby and mum on the day. I think time will tell if they are genuinely having favourites.

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 16:15

my parents kept making comments about how my son would have to get used to no longer being the centre of attention

how rude

Your parents don't seem terribly thoughtful, and it's a ridiculous comment to make about a 1 year old.

You probably need to distance yourself or you will get hurt unfortunately. Just let everything settle. It's very possible your mum will step over the mark and crowd your sister a bit too much. But if she prefers her way of managing her life, nothing you can do.

It's hard, but give it a few years. The baby stage won't last. At some point you will be in a much better position.

Just don't let your parents create a distance with your sister.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 15/03/2021 16:15

I understand why you're hurt, but from your sister's perspective it would be upsetting for her if she didn't get the same excitement and wanting to see the baby that you recieved when you had your son. It doesn't mean your son is forgotten or loved less.

Teardrop2021 · 15/03/2021 16:17

I sense some competitive under tone in you're post, have you you always been competitive with you're sister. I just find the whole thing rather odd. Of course they don't want to make the trip twice if they can help especially with the lockdown however the baby was late and they were always going to meet the baby it was just luck you were working that day and he was in nursery. It comes across as abit of jealously and sibling rivalry. Surely you would just be over the moon for a sister and be happy for two cousins to grow up close together. I just don't get it. The baby is a week old. Its not as if this is a year or 2 down the line is it and a pattern behaviour to compare to?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/03/2021 16:22

I didn’t think it was possible to meet up with two others and then go onto visit another family so maybe they were wise to cancel.

Of course there will be a fuss about a new baby at times, just like you would have had the same before.

Parenting isn’t a competition.

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 16:22

I don't think competition between cousins is a thing to encourage. What's the point? Someone will always end up hurt. You don't push competition between your own children, do you?

Give it a few months... hopefully that won't happen,

billy1966 · 15/03/2021 16:36

Your parents sound both rude and a bit dim.
Could they possibly have just been making silly conversation.

Hopefully it will pass.

You seem very sensitive to your parents approval, particularly for a woman approaching her late 30's.

You are not married and it sounds like you were very wise to return to work FT and maintain your financial independence.

I would strongly recommend that you reflect on your need for approval and work on detaching.

You sound like a successful woman who has a lot to be proud of.

Having a baby over the past year has not been easy.
Maternity leave during such a stressful time and restrictions must have been so hard.

I have the greatest admiration for women whom have navigated it.

Is you partner kind and involved?
Are you getting the support you need and deserve?

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 16:40

I think you’re being over sensitive!

The stuff about competition sounds like something my dad would say with absolutely no malice. He dearly loves all of his grandchildren.

The other stuff just makes sense, to be fair.

I’m sure your parents visited when you had your baby? Let them enjoy the new baby.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 15/03/2021 16:42

Yep. I've recently had a child. My sister is due one later in the year. Cue regular comments like "yours won't be the youngest for long!". Errrr no shit Sherlock. Except we don't care, there's no pride in being the youngest.

My parents are classic favouritisers, while insisting they aren't. Ironically also had issues themselves with their parents for similar issues.

Ignore them. They're excited about the baby and forgetting to be sensitive to you. I can totally understand why you'd feel sensitive having your first baby during Covid and the restrictions it's caused 💐

Moondust001 · 15/03/2021 16:49

Good grief - you are jealous of a week old baby? So, in the space of one week your parents reasonably suggested that they wouldn't want to travel two days that week during a period when there are travel restrictions anyway; they reasonably wanted to see their daughter / new grandson after she gave birth; and they reasonably pointed out that when there are two grandchildren they have to share the attention instead of getting it all to themselves.

I wonder if they realised that they needed to tell one of their daughters that the earth does not rotate around her?

Windchangeface · 15/03/2021 16:50

A lot of people will probably call you dramatic and over sensitive as thats how threads like this tend to go.

However, I totally understand OP. I also had a baby a week before the first lockdown and his whole life has been lived under ‘rules and restrictions’ not being able to see people or go places.
I massively feel like I missed out on the elation and enjoyment of having a first baby as it got overshadowed by the fear or covid and the heartbreak of not being able to share it with my very close family. My DM couldn’t face time without sobbing, she only lives 20 minutes away and had fully expected to be very hands on: we were both devastated!

Its very different for women who have chosen to get pregnant since covid arrived. They've made an informed choice, they know the unstable situation and that it won’t be ‘normal’ we had no idea! We were totally hoodwinked by it and it sucked! I personally wouldn’t have chosen in a million years to have a baby just as covid arrived!

I feel like I was robbed of one of the most important experiences in life.

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