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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New grandson is the favourite

56 replies

AIBUlurker · 15/03/2021 15:23

I think I am potentially being over-sensitive here. I have a son who has just turned one and my sister had a baby a week ago. They are the only two grandchildren in our family.

As soon as my sister announced she was pregnant, my parents kept making comments about how my son would have to get used to no longer being the centre of attention and that he would "have competition now".

Since my sister's son was born, my parents can barely stop talking about him and practically seem to have forgotten about the existence of my son.

Last week I had a day off work to look after my son due to lack of childcare that day. My parents said they would like to meet up with me and my son for a walk - we haven't seen them since the end of November. They hoped they could tie it in with visiting the new grandchild.

However, my sister was overdue and ended up being induced. It became clear the baby wouldn't have arrived the day I had off work, so my parents cancelled seeing me and my son. They didn't want to have to make the effort to drive to the city my sister and I both live in twice in just a few days.

When they did visit the new grandson, it was on a day I was at work and my son at nursery. My parents said they would see us "some other time".

Of course, I get it, a new brand new baby is very exciting, but it just feels like my son is now "old news" and no longer interesting.

I think this is all heightened as my son's entire first year has been spent with lockdowns / covid restrictions so we have barely seen family and many of my friends have never met him.

Has anyone else had a similar experience. Did things settle down after a while? I hope that we are not in for a lifetime of our sons being constantly compared to one another.

OP posts:
RaindropsSplashRainbows · 15/03/2021 16:54

They sound a little insensitive. Make a mental note not to copy their style. Then let it go.

user1471538283 · 15/03/2021 16:58

I dont get it. Your baby is new too and as a lockdown baby they haven't seen very much of him! Every baby in our family is welcomed whole heartedly but none of the existing ones are pushed out.

I would be very upset

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 16:59

they reasonably pointed out that when there are two grandchildren they have to share the attention instead of getting it all to themselves.

who does that Confused

You don't even tell your own children something so mean and unnecessary, what could possibly possess any normal human being to come up with that gem?

It will go way over the head of a 1 year old anyway

and if the first grand-child was much older, why being nasty and pretend they'd have a problem to "share" their grand-parent? It's exciting to have a new cousin.

saraclara · 15/03/2021 17:04

@ShadierThanaPalmTree

I understand why you're hurt, but from your sister's perspective it would be upsetting for her if she didn't get the same excitement and wanting to see the baby that you recieved when you had your son. It doesn't mean your son is forgotten or loved less.
Exactly. Your parents will have been completely over excited when you were pregnant and giving birth to your baby. Why should your sister and her child not have the same enthusiasm shown?
OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 17:05

@thecatandthevicar

they reasonably pointed out that when there are two grandchildren they have to share the attention instead of getting it all to themselves.

who does that Confused

You don't even tell your own children something so mean and unnecessary, what could possibly possess any normal human being to come up with that gem?

It will go way over the head of a 1 year old anyway

and if the first grand-child was much older, why being nasty and pretend they'd have a problem to "share" their grand-parent? It's exciting to have a new cousin.

I’ve already said my dad would joke like that. And yes, he’s normal. Hmm
kittycorner · 15/03/2021 17:08

@AIBUlurker this baby is literally newborn? Under 1-2 weeks old? @AIBUlurker please please give this time to settle, own your sensitivities and spend the time enjoying the family expansion and look forward to all the fun the cousins will have together. I'm sure the first week of your dc's life your parents were elated too. I do understand lockdown likely caused less celebrations etc. Don't let this turn into jealousy etc.

Original poster
AIBUlurker · 15/03/2021 17:09

@Moondust001 I am not jealous of a one week old baby.

My parents have not seen me or my son since later October/ early November due to Covid restrictions. Of course they are excited about the new arrival, but it makes me sad that they don't seem that bothered about seeing my son.

I will admit that I am upset that Covid has basically ruined the first year with my child. I spent my maternity leave having to stay at home with very little support. I didn't get the opportunity to show off my new baby to the world. So, I suppose I am sensitive about remarks about my son being the centre of attention etc. - he never got to be!

I just really hope that things calm down, and my parents show their pride and love for both grandchildren equally and without there being any sense of competition.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 17:12

If they saw him when he was born then it the same as with your sister.

saraclara · 15/03/2021 17:13

You are over-thinking this to a quite spectacular level. A week old baby can't be their favourite. They don't even know him yet. He's a newborn.

Your confusing their excitement at the arrival of another grandchild, with a preference for one or the other child.

FireflyRainbow · 15/03/2021 17:14

OP YABU. You sound jealous of your sister and her new baby.

Palavah · 15/03/2021 17:16

@ErickBroch

What is the AIBU?
Don't be an arse.
CreosoteQueen · 15/03/2021 17:19

I can totally see why it’s upsetting Flowers I would be inclined to give it a couple of months though, because there’s a good chance it’s just new baby excitement which will settle down once the novelty has worn off a bit.

thecatandthevicar · 15/03/2021 17:20

I’ve already said my dad would joke like that. And yes, he’s normal

the OP's parents didn't seem to be joking, did they?

FireflyRainbow · 15/03/2021 17:22

My parents see my sister and her 2 kids and husband far more than me and mine. My sister had a lockdown baby and bubbled up with them. My primary aged nephew stays over at their house all the time and they see each other nearly every day. We are all very local to each other. It's never crossed my mind to be jealous of my little sister being supported by our parents when I don't. I'm more concerned I haven't got to see my gorgeous nephews than be jealous of my sister.

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 17:22

@thecatandthevicar

I’ve already said my dad would joke like that. And yes, he’s normal

the OP's parents didn't seem to be joking, did they?

I don’t know, I wasn’t there! I’m just saying it’s entirely possible for someone to say it with no malice.
saraclara · 15/03/2021 17:23

@thecatandthevicar

I’ve already said my dad would joke like that. And yes, he’s normal

the OP's parents didn't seem to be joking, did they?

Why do you think that? It's a common enough light hearted comment when a second child or grandchild is on the way. People say it a lot to mothers pregnant with their second child, in my experience. And it's just a joke.
pictish · 15/03/2021 17:26

I think you’re taking it the wrong way regarding the two birds with one stone trip to your city when they were hoping to catch up with both of you.
The priority for an outing right now is for your sister and her brand new baby. Remember, we’re on lockdown and unnecessary travel is out the window...so really, they were very keen to see you if they sought to meet up with you and your son on the same day as visiting your sister. It didn’t work out but the intention was there. It’s unfortunate that the baby’s arrival happened to be when you were at work but again, in this instance your sister gets dibs.

He’s a week old. You need to climb back down off the ceiling. Good luck.

XelaM · 15/03/2021 17:31

Grandparents always have favourites. That's just the way it is

EasterGuineaPig · 15/03/2021 17:32

He’s only a week old, they’re probably just excited. Hopefully they’ll come round.

saraclara · 15/03/2021 17:37

@XelaM

Grandparents always have favourites. That's just the way it is
Really? I'm as confident as I can be that my PILs adored all their four grandchildren (from two sets of parents) equally. If I'm wrong they did a hell of a good job of hiding it.

That doesn't mean they loved them in the same way. They were four entirely different characters who had different shared characteristics and interests with their GPs. But they were all very much loved.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/03/2021 17:38

I don't think you're being over sensitive at all. The birth of a new born baby is not an excuse to push another child's nose out. This is how kids get jealous and resentful of babies. After all you (obviously collective you not personal you) cannot not ignore a child and not expect any consequences.
My mum had an almost 14 year gap between her Grand kids. She adored them equally though. There was no competition or contest

liquoricecravings · 15/03/2021 17:39

I hear you op. I'm also a ftm in lockdown and it's been really hard at points. I also feel sad that my friends and family haven't met my dd yet and have missed out on the lovely newborn cuddle stage. My brother has also become a dad during the lockdown and so I know how it feels for a sibling to have a baby close in age. It's hard and you'd like to think your parents would be sympathetic towards your feelings.
My only thought I can share that might help is that your sister now knows what it's been like for you to have a baby in lockdown. Admittedly if the roadmap to get out of lockdown happens she will hopefully have a more interesting maternity leave than you (and I) have had but the point remains that she now knows some of what you've been through with your own little one. Perhaps this is something you can bond over as sisters? She might appreciate that you can share the same realities of being new mums in this strange time. I know that it's helped to bring me closer to my sister in law as we've both struggled to be at home all the time with our dds.

It's ok to be sensitive and sad about how you feel right now. As for favouritism between the dc, I'd try to give it a few months and see how things go before jumping to conclusions. You'll soon be able to share your ds with more friends and family. Perhaps think about some ways you can make memories this summer such as taking photos of the various picnics you can have with others Smile.

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 17:40

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I don't think you're being over sensitive at all. The birth of a new born baby is not an excuse to push another child's nose out. This is how kids get jealous and resentful of babies. After all you (obviously collective you not personal you) cannot not ignore a child and not expect any consequences. My mum had an almost 14 year gap between her Grand kids. She adored them equally though. There was no competition or contest
You know they haven’t actually done anything though? OP is talking about a visit to a newborn. Confused
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/03/2021 17:43

Im talking about them saying things like 'He's going to have a lot of competition' Like I say you can't say that to or about a kid and not expect to come back resentment or fall out. Its not how life works

OhCaptain · 15/03/2021 17:44

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Im talking about them saying things like 'He's going to have a lot of competition' Like I say you can't say that to or about a kid and not expect to come back resentment or fall out. Its not how life works
Well the kid in question didn’t hear and wouldn’t understand anyway.

And like I said, it’s possible that it was said jokingly. One of those throwaway comments people make.