To want to be sterilised

[Rumtumtummy]

I'm in my late twenties and I don't have DC. I do not want any and I have various reasons for this. I've asked my GP about getting sterilised, but the answer I end up getting is just that contraception is easier and better, which I don't agree with at all. Contraception has caused me nothing but issues in the past and I've tried almost all of them. Has anyone been able to get sterilised on the NHS? AIBU to be a bit annoyed at how hard it is to get approved? I'll probably end up having to get it done privately.

@darkclouds232

YANBU and it's ridiculous how hard this seems to be for women. I wonder if men wanting to get a vasectomy encounter the same difficulties.

My DP has been turned down. His GP told him they wouldn’t do it as he didn’t already have any children. 🙄 One of his other friends was told he was too young at 35.

I have a female friend who has tried every 5 years like clockwork to get sterilised by various GPs. All have told her come back when you are older, every time. Last time she tried she was 40, and the GP said “no point, you’ll be menopausal soon enough”.

I looked in to it, but the implant is marginally more effective than sterilisation and carries much less risk, so I’m sticking to that.

The implant is fine for those who want it and are happy with it but it’s still hormones isn’t it?

Many women don’t get on with any form of hormonal contraception and find the changes it makes to their health, moods, weight, etc isn’t worth it.

Never stopped bleeding on the implant, even with drugs supposed to make me stop. Same with the Mirena. We have a child with special needs, though, so the NHS was happy to sterilise DH when he asked for it.

I was sterilised at 29 after 4 kids. I had had 4 c sections though and they offered it to me on a plate. So I don't think age is necessarily a factor but you'll probably find it difficult as a childfree person.

I wanted one when I was 30, I had one child and I didn't want anymore. The GP refused to even consider it, the reasons being "well your child may die and you might want to have another and if you were to meet a new partner (I had divorced by then), he may want children with you".

That was over 20 years ago, can't believe attitudes have not changed much....oh wait, yes I can.

@NuclearDH

The implant is fine for those who want it and are happy with it but it’s still hormones isn’t it?

Many women don’t get on with any form of hormonal contraception and find the changes it makes to their health, moods, weight, etc isn’t worth it.

Completely agree. I’m lucky I can tolerate it. It’s scandalous women can’t have sterilisation even when they demand it.

I prefer the idea of sterilisation to hormones if I’m honest, but both DP and I have concerns about the surgical risks so the decision I’ve made is one I’m happy with. I’m peri anyway, so hopefully I’m in the home stretch!

Also I’m childfree, so I doubt they’d do it anyway!

The level of sexism in medicine is unbelievable.

I asked to be sterilised, having had a child and I was a young Mum at 21. They categorically refused, citing changing of mind etc... obviously, the screaming of my ovaries was impeding my decision making skills and making it impossible to understand the implications of my decision.

I was absolutely furious, I was not great with baby or toddler wrangling ( was miserable for the first five years) and knew I would chew my right arm off rather than go through a traumatic birth, be pregnant or deal with a toddler again. Son is lovely ( and now an adult) but do it again... never.

Time the medical profession actually took into account that we have autonomy over our bodies, they even used the fact I was a student teacher to try and dissuade me! As if spending days around teenagers would make anyone broody!?!

However, DH breezed in, requested a vasectomy no questions were really asked ..... his testes obviously did not impede his decision making skills .....

You are right not to give up if this is what is right for you. In the meantime, we as women have institutionalised sexism making decisions around our fertility and reproductive/emotional and physical health.

Do you how many men and women have complained or tried to.sue the NHS trying to shift the blame on the organisation for having changed their mind? Even after a counselling session?

Too many. It is hard, especially when you are you g, to ever imagine feeling totally different, but it's very common and when it happens, people will go to long lengths to blame others as a mean to cope with their grief and anger.

Am in my late 30s, no kids & no doctor have found in Australia will sterilise me. Hanging out for menopause at this point !

Those who have had this done privately, do you mind saying how much it cost?

At the moment I don’t want to have sex for fear of another pregnancy & my DH won’t consider a vasectomy.

Am hopefully going to have some spare money later this year and am thinking this might be the best investment in my health & sanity that I can make.

I think it stinks that women without children and under a certain age are deemed unable to make a rational decision about their own bodies.
I’m afraid though you’re going to have to go private.

After major issues with hormonal contraceptives I tried and failed to get a sterilization done with the NHS after DC3. The male OB stated I was too young (25 at the time) and that I needed at least 4DC to qualify! They asked DH’s age (he was 26) and they laughed and said there wasn’t a chance he was getting a vasectomy either at his age. They tried but failed to coerce me into having a mirena coil despite telling them about my previous issues. By 27 DC4 had arrived. Within weeks I had a copper coil fitted which has been in for almost 10 years which I will switch out for another soon. It is infuriating that we are not allowed to make decisions regarding our own bodies! I would go private if I were you OP!

Hmm I'm a bit on the fence.
On one hand yes it's your body and you should have the choice.
However I dont think the nhs should be paying for a reversal IF (and that's a big if) you change your mind later on and decide you want children.

I don’t think the nhs do pay for reversals. Any bloke I know who’s had a vasectomy reversed has had to pay for it. All those blokes changing their minds yet they’re still happily allowed to have it done. 🤷‍♀️

You also cannot get IVF on the NHS if one or both of you has a living child.

This isn't correct - a friend of mine is having IVF on the NHS and her DH has two children.

I head about these a while ago, not sure if they are widely available yet, but switches in the scrotum to stop sperm temporarily rather than permanently - wonder if they will catch on.

www.vasectomy.com/article/vasectomy/alternatives/the-bimek-slv-the-worlds-first-bioswitch-for-sperm-flow

To get my referal I was asked (aged late 30's) how many kids to you have, are you married / how's your marriage / do you argue with your wife much.

@Crocidura

You also cannot get IVF on the NHS if one or both of you has a living child.

This isn't correct - a friend of mine is having IVF on the NHS and her DH has two children.

People lie

It isn't totally impossible to get sterilised. I was sterilised at 26 with 1 DS. The GP did question my reasons, offered alternative contraception but he didn't refuse to refer me. The gyno didn't try to change my mind either, he just explained the facts and risks etc.

For me, it was a relatively easy surgery. I had keyhole via my side and navel. My stomach ached for a couple of days but nothing a painkiller couldn't solve.

I definitely got lucky but don't give up hope!

Imagine if it was as difficult to get a termination on the NHS as it is to get sterilised.

People lie

Who do you think is lying, the PP who said you can't get IVF on the NHS if you have a child, me inventing a friend having IVF, my friend pretending to have IVF on the NHS or her DH pretending to have children?!

(That q was for @willibald)

It's tricky.

I swore blind that I would remain childfree. It wasn't for me, and I hated the patronising crap about how I might change my mind. It made me so angry, it was my risk to take, and I knew I didn't want children from the age of about 5. Also I literally have a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth, and invested a lot of time into a career that isn't very family friendly.

I'm now in my late 30s with 2 children, and contemplating a third (instill have my phobia, but it can be managed), and having children has been the best decision I made.

So I was one of those that changed their mind. And not from ambivalence to wanting children, but from feeling very strongly about it to wanting children.

I do still feel though, that as an adult, it's your decision to make, as long as you accept that the concequences are yours too.

It fills me with horror, at the thought that I could have been sterilised, and that this path I have now chosen would be shut to me, but the ability to make those choices is important.

I have two kids and was sterilized at 30. I had no issues with it and they were really helpful getting me referred etc. Within 3 months of my referral it was done. Keep plugging away.

@Babyboomtastic

It's tricky.

I swore blind that I would remain childfree. It wasn't for me, and I hated the patronising crap about how I might change my mind. It made me so angry, it was my risk to take, and I knew I didn't want children from the age of about 5. Also I literally have a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth, and invested a lot of time into a career that isn't very family friendly.

I'm now in my late 30s with 2 children, and contemplating a third (instill have my phobia, but it can be managed), and having children has been the best decision I made.

So I was one of those that changed their mind. And not from ambivalence to wanting children, but from feeling very strongly about it to wanting children.

I do still feel though, that as an adult, it's your decision to make, as long as you accept that the concequences are yours too.

It fills me with horror, at the thought that I could have been sterilised, and that this path I have now chosen would be shut to me, but the ability to make those choices is important.

I'm glad it worked out for you. I totally accept that some people change their minds, this is normal. But not all stories end like yours. For everyone of you, there could equally be a mother who wasn't sterilised, ended up pregnant and unable to terminate, and who is now miserable.

Even when you think you want something, it might not always work out. I never wanted pets and then I changed my mind. I wanted a dog. I really did, and so I got one. And then I realised that I made a mistake. I don't hate my dog, but I regret getting her every single day. It's getting a dog that really hammered home to me that I desperately do not want children.

I pictured myself with one as a child. I think I thought I'd have children like everyone else up until about 19-20. Because that's what you do I suppose. I do not hate kids, or the idea of being pregnant, but I am simply unwilling to be responsible for the life of someone else. It's not me. Yet apparently that is not a decision I am allowed to make. I have to compromise my sex life and my emotional and physical well-being for the next God knows how many years just because there might be a chance that I change my mind about having children. If I lived my life not doing things in case I regretted them, I'd never do anything.