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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be sterilised

83 replies

Rumtumtummy · 15/03/2021 13:02

I'm in my late twenties and I don't have DC. I do not want any and I have various reasons for this. I've asked my GP about getting sterilised, but the answer I end up getting is just that contraception is easier and better, which I don't agree with at all. Contraception has caused me nothing but issues in the past and I've tried almost all of them. Has anyone been able to get sterilised on the NHS? AIBU to be a bit annoyed at how hard it is to get approved? I'll probably end up having to get it done privately.

OP posts:
CarolVordermansBum · 15/03/2021 14:08

Why are people telling OP to get her OH to have the snip when she hasn't even mentioned if she has one or not!

ScoobyCat · 15/03/2021 14:09

She mentions her DH !

Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2021 14:10

Why are people telling OP to get her OH to have the snip when she hasn't even mentioned if she has one or not!

Yes, she has. Very clearly. Confused

Chimeraforce · 15/03/2021 14:12

Yanbu. I never wanted kids and asked to be sterilised in my early and late 20s. Was told no, don't be silly, you'll change your mind.
I didn't get on with contraception as it made me aggressive or tearful. Fell pregnant at 32 my child is 14 and I was right. 😢

CarolVordermansBum · 15/03/2021 14:12

Ah yes sorry, totally missed that!!

willibald · 15/03/2021 14:14

Being sterilised is permanent, a vasectomy is reversible.

Vasectomy should always be considered permanent contraception because it is never a guarantee it can be successfully reversed.

As for getting it on the NHS, unless you have a potentially heritable disease or condition or have a condition yourself, your chances of getting it on the NHS are zero.

Pyewackect · 15/03/2021 14:15

@WhoAreYah

It’s major surgery for a woman, a lunchtime procedure for a man. Let him get the snip.
It's not major surgery. It's minor keyhole surgery. And vesectomy carries a 10% risk of serious , often untreatable, complications.
Adrianneanneanne · 15/03/2021 14:33

Also, the difference with a vastectomy is it's much more straightforward to get a sperm donor of mind change, than it is to get a surrogate

Having said that, I don't know where I stand on this issue, really

WhoAreYah · 15/03/2021 14:56

Have you had ‘minor keyhole surgery’? I have. I was knackered for a week, signed off work for 2. A man needs 1 day off work.

Not too sure about the 10% risk, I shall have to research. Thanks for the heads up.

MrsExpo · 15/03/2021 15:12

I was 31 and childless when I was sterilised (on the NHS). Best thing I ever did for my life, my body and my relationships and have absolutely no regrets. Keep pushing OP and have it done privately if you need to.

Original poster
Rumtumtummy · 15/03/2021 15:19

I'm worried about being rejected privately as well. I don't want to push DH into having a procedure for my sake, when I'm perfectly willing (though apparently unable) to have it myself.

As I said, I'm finding this regret and changing your mind angle to be terribly one-sided (not against posters on here, but more in general terms). Regret is seemingly only valid if you are choosing not to have children, and the general idea is still that if you somehow end up accidentally pregnant you will just adjust. No big deal.

I wonder why you can have reversals on the NHS. In a way, for me, that reinforces the idea that the default position is parenthood, and deviation from that norm is seen as undesirable. If I wanted a child I could have IVF on the NHS, I could try hormone therapy or all sorts. Yet the other way around, crickets.

OP posts:
Ytrigging · 15/03/2021 15:28

It is horrifying that “you might change your mind” is justification for denying adult women a treatment which would make them irreversibly infertile while it is not a reason to deny trans children and teenagers treatments which cause infertility and a number of other consequences. Why are adult women less likely to know their mind than children and teenagers?

willibald · 15/03/2021 15:30

@Adrianneanneanne

Also, the difference with a vastectomy is it's much more straightforward to get a sperm donor of mind change, than it is to get a surrogate

Having said that, I don't know where I stand on this issue, really

Why would you need a surrogate if you've had female sterilisation? You do know what it is, don't you? It's occluding the Fallopian tubes so a fertilised egg cannot pass into the uterus and implant.
willibald · 15/03/2021 15:34

I wonder why you can have reversals on the NHS.

You usually cannot, especially if you have had already had children. You also cannot get IVF on the NHS if one or both of you has a living child.

Pyewackect · 15/03/2021 15:40

@WhoAreYah

Have you had ‘minor keyhole surgery’? I have. I was knackered for a week, signed off work for 2. A man needs 1 day off work.

Not too sure about the 10% risk, I shall have to research. Thanks for the heads up.

Yes I have. I was sterilized. Back at work on the monday.

I also had a word with our Gynea Reg and she said you don't actually have to have a general anesthetic either. You can have the procedure under a local , which is the case in many countries. I also asked about post op infection because I've never treated a paitent for sepsis following sterilisation and she said it was very rare and she's only every seen it once, during her training in South Africa.

LilMidge01 · 15/03/2021 15:48

@Rumtumtummy

I'm worried about being rejected privately as well. I don't want to push DH into having a procedure for my sake, when I'm perfectly willing (though apparently unable) to have it myself.

As I said, I'm finding this regret and changing your mind angle to be terribly one-sided (not against posters on here, but more in general terms). Regret is seemingly only valid if you are choosing not to have children, and the general idea is still that if you somehow end up accidentally pregnant you will just adjust. No big deal.

I wonder why you can have reversals on the NHS. In a way, for me, that reinforces the idea that the default position is parenthood, and deviation from that norm is seen as undesirable. If I wanted a child I could have IVF on the NHS, I could try hormone therapy or all sorts. Yet the other way around, crickets.

I completely agree. You have summarised the weird 'default' here so well. And yet logically, you would think if there had to be a 'default' it would be the other way
MaMaD1990 · 15/03/2021 15:50

It's a really hard one to be honest. You have every right to ask for it as you definitely don't want children. Thinking at it fro. The perspective of the NHS though, the first thing that comes to mind is the uproar of women who do change their minds and that the system was too 'easy'. They need to have a middle ground in my opinion, some of these comments are shocking considering you've had children and/or are in your 40's!

BoJoHoNo · 15/03/2021 16:04

YANBU, I'm late 30s childless, and have pretty much lost interest in sex through fear of possibly getting pregnant. Tried different various hormonal contraceptives and they just aggravate my depression. Condoms are all well and good, but it's always in the back of my mind that they'll tear and I'll have to rush out and get the MAP.

A few years back a consultant actually tried to refuse to carry out my scheduled LLETZ procedure as I 'hadn't had my children yet'. He even had the nerve told me to go away and 'discuss it with my husband first'. He seemed to not be able to grasp the idea that a woman may choose to not have children!

CounsellorTroi · 15/03/2021 16:26

@TheGoogleMum

It's really hard to get a GP to agree to sterilisation if you are under 30 (maybe even older) and haven't had kids "you might change your mind!". I think women should be allowed to make this decision if in sound mind and feel this way over time (maybe give it 6 months to think about it as it is irreversible). It's a shame we aren't allowed to make these decisions about our own bodies
This. It's really patronising to not allow women to make and own their own decisions about their bodies.
lookingsusbro · 15/03/2021 16:26

I've been asking to be sterilised for the last 9 years since I had my youngest dc. I've got 4 children and definitely don't want any more. I've seen several GPs and none will refer me as I "might change my mind". I won't change my mind so will be forced to have a termination if I were to have an accidental pregnancy. So far I've had no luck getting a referral and I can't afford to go private.

I'm sick of taking artificial hormones every day, I don't like condoms as its too easy to get caught in the moment or have one break, but most of all I'm a grown bloody woman who is more than capable of deciding I don't want more children. So why won't GPs refer me? Surely sterilisation is cheaper than maternity care through a pregnancy and birth, not to mention NHS care for the lifetime of the baby.

What's really galling is that Dh would have no problem getting a vasectomy but he doesn't want one, with good reason given the 10%+ chance of complications which have happened to a couple of his friends who have had vasectomies.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/03/2021 16:28

Far less of a procedure for a man and easily booked through a private clinic.

lookingsusbro · 15/03/2021 16:37

It may be far less of a procedure for a man but if a woman decides she doesn't want children she should have the same access to sterilisation as a man.

Relationships don't always last forever so should a woman have to ask/expect every man she has a relationship with to get sterilised because she doesn't want children?

NuclearDH · 15/03/2021 16:41

Women should be able to make an informed choice. Very paternalistic to say a woman might change her mind.

I was lucky, I was sterilised at 27yo after one child and nobody ever said anything like this to me. But that was 20 years ago. I suspect a lot of it comes down to money. Vasectomies are cheaper!

NuclearDH · 15/03/2021 16:42

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Far less of a procedure for a man and easily booked through a private clinic.
And what if your dh is nervous about “bollock surgery” and refuses to do it? I mean I get he’s a prat but that doesn’t help the situation. Why should a woman have to rely on a man agreeing to have a vasectomy when he may not?
slashlover · 15/03/2021 17:38

It is horrifying that “you might change your mind” is justification for denying adult women a treatment which would make them irreversibly infertile while it is not a reason to deny trans children and teenagers treatments which cause infertility and a number of other consequences. Why are adult women less likely to know their mind than children and teenagers?

Let's not bring trans stuff into EVERY thread.

Can you imagine the uproar if someone said they were TTC and people were patronising and asked what would happen if they changed their mind.