To think it would be better to just scrap mother's day altogether?

[AlexaShutUp]

Every year, I read threads on MN from mothers who are miserable on mother's day because their kids have made no effort, their partners have made no effort, their exes have made no effort, and this morning even that their in-laws had made no effort. It seems to cause more angst than joy?

I have no personal axe to grind - my dd is fantastic at showing her appreciation and making me feel special. I enjoy the effort that she makes for mother's day, but I don't actually need this because she is generally grateful and appreciative every day.

AIBU to think that the people who feel respected and appreciated on mother's day probably feel respected and appreciated most of the time anyway, and for the people who sadly don't feel respected and appreciated all year round, mother's day is just another way of making them feel crap about this?

Does anyone who feels taken for granted the rest of the time actually feel that mother's day helps them to feel valued?

I think social media has a lot to answer for. People bragging about being spoilt, making gushing tributes to people who they could speak to privately. And then also those posts that say "to everyone who wants to be a mother but isn't, people who have lost their mum/lost their child/ are estranged etc etc"

I know the latter is well intended but it seems to be part of a culture where we have to signal all the time that our actions are not Intended to be offensive rather than assuming they are in good faith. Because everything is public, it also has to be done with a caveat of not harming/upsetting/offending others.

You know, I feel the exact same way about Valentine’s Day! Yes, lots of people enjoy the meals out and flowers, but so many are left disappointed, especially if you don’t get a card from someone you hoped (especially in high school!)

We'd do better scrapping the kind of social media posts that hype up the expectation for everything - turning it from a day of simple thanks into some kind of picture postcard event that is used as a barometer of how successful your life is. The more twinkly lights and #grateful posts, the higher up the chain you go.

Everything has to become An Event that looks nice in photos. It's making people miserable with their own, normal lives in the same way Cosmopolitan used to (a study some years ago showed women rated every aspect of their lives lower after reading Cosmo than they did beforehand).

I love Mothers day and its a day I remember my own Mum who I lost 9 years ago, I remember getting her a teddy with 'best mum' on it and my DH saying it was a silly present, only to catch my Mum cuddling it and crying, I remember getting her a lovely glass and silver vase and a second present of a glass orb with a glass frog on the top and how she liked the vase but couldn't stop looking at the orb ( I have it now and it sits on my kitchen window sill) I remember when she was in Hospital and I got her a framed photo of a Robin on a snowy branch, and I remember when she came home to die how it sat on the table by her bed so she could see it ( Its on my living room wall now) this is what Mothers day means to me.

I hope when I am gone my own DS has those type of memories of me on Mothers day remembering how I cried over his first hand made card, or the time he surprised me with a Pug puppy or when he used that day to tell me I was going to me a Granny .

YANBU.
Surely it's better to show ones appreciation at a time and in a manner that suits the individual, rather than at the bidding of commercially interested parties?

Why wait till a designated day to send your mother flowers, for example? Send them a few weeks earlier, or a few weeks later, when it will be seen as a genuinely spontaneous gesture rather than merely in response to social pressure because it happens to be "Mother's Day". The flowers will probably be nicer at times of lower demand - and possibly cheaper too.

Acksherly, it was originally originally a day you visited "the mother church" - not your home church, or your mother's church, but the main church in your group of parishes.

but it's been focussed on actual mothers for quite some time. When I was at primary school we learnt a song (allegedly Victorian, certainly presented as such) called "a-mothering on Sunday" which had several verses, including something about fetching a wheaten cake from the baker and picking some pretty wild flowers, and this little gem:

my sister Jane is waiting maid, along with Squire's lady;
and year by year her part she's played; and home she's stayed;
to get the dinner ready

for mother'll come to church you see; of all the year it's THE day;
the one, she'll say, that's made for me; and so it be;
it's every mother's free day

Even as a religiously-inclined 9-year-old I thought that was a bit rich (quite apart from the fact that my own mother would go to evening service or 8-o'-clock, so what was her problem?)

We shouldn’t scrap Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day or any of that nonsense but we should teach women to be assertive from being children. If these things are important to you then speak up. Make it clear that you expect an effort made.

I don’t have kids but I set the tone early on in my relationship for Valentine’s Day - I expect a bit of fuss and fun. I don’t accept poor treatment the rest of the year, either!

That won’t change anything though. Some of those who have a shit day are also their own worst enemy, SOME not all. They’ve allowed their partners/kids/teens treat them like a servant for years by now.

@ThePelicansBriefs, I agree re Valentine's day!

@Oldsu, I'm glad that you have such wonderful memories of your mum, she sounds lovely.

I like it. My mother died when I was young. My kids know it is important to me. Doesn’t matter why it is but it just is. They make me cards and buy me gifts. It is always a difficult day as I miss my mum so much but I’m grateful to my kids.

Absolutely don’t think it should only be one day each year they are appreciated either.

I suppose it’s a bit like birthdays though. That shouldn’t be the only day people get made to feel special, but it’s nice that everyone gets a day.

@Coffeeandcocopops, sorry that you lost your mum so young. I hope that you've had a good day today.

Op just become a Jehovah's Witness and then let the rest of us get on with our celebrations.

It's a religious festival taken over by commercialisation. It's not compulsory to participate

Op just become a Jehovah's Witness and then let the rest of us get on with our celebrations.

Thanks but no thanks!

Most things I've seen today are honouring women who aren't actually mums for whatever reason, so I think it's sort of eaten itself.

@satishoused

I think social media has a lot to answer for. People bragging about being spoilt, making gushing tributes to people who they could speak to privately. And then also those posts that say "to everyone who wants to be a mother but isn't, people who have lost their mum/lost their child/ are estranged etc etc"

I know the latter is well intended but it seems to be part of a culture where we have to signal all the time that our actions are not Intended to be offensive rather than assuming they are in good faith. Because everything is public, it also has to be done with a caveat of not harming/upsetting/offending others.

This. ^ Someone posted a pic on facebook this morning, (I have attached it,) and although it was probably put there in good faith, it's jarred me. I couldn't see my daughter today, and haven't seen her since Christmas day, and this woman (despite putting the well-meaning, but condescending picture up,) has put about 20 pics up of her kids (3 of them between 8 and 17,) with all her gifts and cards.

She also put a pic of her and her kids with her OWN mum at her mum's house. She went to visit her.. Despite it being a 50 mile round-trip. And despite there being a National Lockdown!

So she has put this 'awww I feel sorry for you all' pic on, then gone on to rub people noses in it with pics of her with her kids, and all her gifts. And with her and her mum... Probably not deliberate but still irksome!

(DD sent me some flowers and a card via courier by the way, and we spoke on whatsapp for an hour...

But still, it's irksome that some people aren't sticking the rules when we are, and are sacrificing seeing our daughter!! They'll be the ones crying if granny gets covid and they'll blame the Government!

@the80sweregreat

I've often felt this way. It was, originally , a church event ' the mother the church' Mothering Sunday. It was hijacked by the card shops! Father's Day too should go.

That's not where it came from, is it?

I had words with DC for failing to do anything.

Pointed out there’s multiple things that don’t require money that would be appreciated and to pull their finger out their arse because it is unfair that I remember everything and DC doesn’t care at all. (age able to know and remember and make effort btw)

I made it pretty clear I wasn’t happy and how would they feel if I forgot Xmas, their birthday, Easter eggs etc.

I hope something sunk in because if it doesn’t dc is getting a loo brush for their birthday

[quote AlexaShutUp]@ThePelicansBriefs, I agree re Valentine's day!

@Oldsu, I'm glad that you have such wonderful memories of your mum, she sounds lovely.[/quote]
Yeah she was I remember when me and my 3 sisters were out in the garden and she was sitting inside looking at us through the French windows, DH told her she should come out and join us, she said she was just happy looking at all her girls together

She obviously loved being a mum @Oldsu.

I think she prefers the random gestures of appreciation throughout the year to the obligatory flowers on mother's day, and I tend to agree.

I do always say this - I'd FAR rather they turned up randomly with a £1 bunch of daffs or some carnations from the supermarket, because they saw them and thought 'Mum would like those', rather than feeling pressured into spending £20- £30 on a boxed bouquet one day of the year because someone has commercialised a day. (I 100x think that about Valentine's, but that is another thread).

However I am very chuffed with the cards I've had today from mine. My adult ds has brought round his home made one, this afternoon - he knew that would make me smile FAR more than an expensive bouquet delivered through the post or by a florist. Shows he knows me and knows what values I have.

Of course we shouldn't stop, or ban things because there are individuals that don't have a good time. That sounds like a race to the bottom. What a miserable life we would all lead if most people can't enjoy special days, or gifts, or occasions, or meals out, or even holidays due to the fact they they make a minority sad.
@MaMaD1990 is spot on when saying that, overwhelmingly the posts don't reflect the real life experiences of the masses, as you would only start a thread if you've got an issue. You don't come on and start a thread to say "I've had a lovely Mother's Day, as you'd expect".

@BadLad

We buried our little cat today, after finding out on Monday that she had lymphoma. Didn't really feel like doing mother's day.

I agree OP. I have a wonderful mother but have to listen to friends being upset because they've lost their mothers, another friend being in tears all day because her mum walked out when she was 11 and never came back, and will have colleagues moaning all day tomorrow that their kids and partners made zero effort...

It's such an unnecessary day and I wish it would be scrapped, along with Fathers Day and Valentines Day!

@Thetigerdrankmywine, so sorry about your little cat.

@InFiveMins, that's kind of where I was coming from, really...the whole thing feels unnecessary to me. However, it's clearly important to lots of people so I guess IABU.