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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone give me a slap

57 replies

CreosoteQueen · 14/03/2021 08:33

This is my first Mother’s Day since having my baby. My husband asked me what I wanted a few weeks ago, so I sent him some suggestions, all very reasonably priced, thoughtful things that I would have enjoyed.

He’s opted to ignore those and get me some chocolates instead - fine, except they’re all fruit-based and he ought to know from the many times I’ve told him that I don’t like chocolate and fruit together. I have handled that graciously and thanked him. But on top of it all he informed me last night that he’s invited his mother round for a Mother’s Day breakfast and asked if I could make eggs Benedict.

To add insult to injury, he’s bought her expensive flowers and a beautiful gift which is one of the things I suggested when he asked me what I wanted a few weeks ago! I don’t begrudge her getting these presents at all because she’s absolutely lovely, but I can’t understand why he didn’t think it might be nice to make a comparable effort for both of us?

I’ll make the bloody eggs Benedict because I love my MIL and she deserves a nice day, but I’m feeling under-appreciated. I need a talking to so I don’t have a face on me and ruin what will otherwise hopefully be a nice Sunday.

OP posts:
Tangogolf55 · 14/03/2021 08:39

Take the nice gift and assume it’s yours, give her the chocolates. Ask him what he’s cooking for dinner. Why accept this behaviour?

jellybeans44 · 14/03/2021 08:40

Reading this has made me so so angry for you. But you need to not be a martyr. Tell him it's your day too and he can bloody well make the eggs Benedict.

JoyOrbison · 14/03/2021 08:40

Please don't take the nice gift - speak to your dh by all means but she is his mum, it's mother's day and she is no less deservi g than you.

JoyOrbison · 14/03/2021 08:41

But he should make the eggs.

user2021 · 14/03/2021 08:42

Tell him to make the eggs and look after the baby! It's your day too Thanks

Original poster
CreosoteQueen · 14/03/2021 08:44

I wouldn’t deprive my MIL of a gift because she really is lovely and has been an amazing help with the baby - I want her to have a nice present! But I am going to speak to him about it (and ask why an intelligent man didn’t think that just maybe he was being a twat).

He is a shocking cook, but he might manage scrambled eggs (since all eggs he attempts end up scrambled anyway). I could suggest a menu switch but I prefer eggs Benedict anyway.

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 08:45

Tell him! This was your first MD and whilst of course that shouldn't mean he fusses you more than his own mum, that wasn't good enough. Don't start Mothers Day being a martyr, otherwise it will simply carry in this way. It doesn’t have to be a big argument, but if he's got her a present you asked for I'd certainly start with that. It's not like your baby can do anything for a few years, it's his responsibility to arrange things on her behalf, at least for your first one.

EnglishRain · 14/03/2021 08:45

I think you need to be shitty with him, otherwise he won't understand. The precedent will be set from this year so make it clear he's screwed up.

Original poster
CreosoteQueen · 14/03/2021 08:46

It definitely stings more that it’s the first one. I wanted him to make it a bit of an occasion (and I did tell him that!). He’s not usually as dense as this, I promise.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 14/03/2021 08:48

Tell him. Don’t stew and fester.

Ask him why he bought his mum a lovely gift and you something you have previously expressed you don’t like despite you offering several suggestions as requested.

Give him space to answer, don’t fill the silence.

Msmcc1212 · 14/03/2021 08:49

That’s not great. Not great at all. I’d be hurt too. But...

Did he may be think the suggestions were for your MIL rather than for yourself? Did he forget where his brilliant idea for a present came from? He’s new to all this so may be doesn’t quite know what’s expected?

He absolutely should be making a fuss of you on behalf of your baby until they can do it themselves but he may be just doesn’t know that yet.

I would speak to him and ask him if he can do the breakfast for you both?

Also, might he have a big surprise planned and is throwing you off the scent?

Felifox · 14/03/2021 08:50

I think I would ask your MIL if she would like the chocolates so they don't get wasted. Make a joke of it saying that dh wasn't a good shopper for his dc.

LApprentiSorcier · 14/03/2021 08:52

Eh? Why should you cook breakfast for his mum? Tell him to cook it himself. Eggs Benedict isn't exactly a challenging recipe!

Kittykat93 · 14/03/2021 08:52

Just confront him! Dont be a martyr standing there making your own breakfast whilst stewing silently..just ask him why hes got his mum all these lovely gifts including one you specifically asked for, whereas you got a box of crappy chocolates you dont even like. It's not on.

PolarnOPirate · 14/03/2021 08:55

Tell him this, not us!!

Don’t make the bloody eggs ben.

Hopefully your your mil will be Shock when she asks what your husband got you and tell him off.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 14/03/2021 08:57

No!!

It's his mother he can make her bloody breakfast.

She sounds lovely so hopefully she'll put a stop to it too. Or at least ask how your first Mother's Day is...

I would offer her the chocolates too so they go to a good home.

Is he usually this shit?!

Heronwatcher · 14/03/2021 08:59

No no no! Nip this in the bud now- you must! Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he is just a bit clueless, you need to explain to him nicely but firmly that this is not fine. I don’t expect a gift (card and breakfast in bed fine) but no way would I be getting up to make elaborate breakfasts for someone else! He needs to know that whilst it’s nice for him to treat his mum, he can’t take advantage of you. Make him write “no chocolate with fruit” 100 times!

LizzieMacQueen · 14/03/2021 09:00

About the gift; are you sure there's not been a misunderstanding? He asked what you thought would be a good gift; he's thinking about his mum, you're thinking it's for you.

I'm not going to comment on the breakfast.

CoolCatTaco · 14/03/2021 09:01

I would explain this to him, pretty bluntly, because he's a thoughtless selfish git.

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2021 09:03

Tell him you’re not impressed and he can make his mum breakfast himself

MrMucker · 14/03/2021 09:04

Surely he got his own mum the nicer gift because she is his mum?
It is mothers day.
You are not his mum.

Cocomarine · 14/03/2021 09:08

@Sexnotgender

Tell him. Don’t stew and fester.

Ask him why he bought his mum a lovely gift and you something you have previously expressed you don’t like despite you offering several suggestions as requested.

Give him space to answer, don’t fill the silence.

Absolutely this.

I’d put my foot down about breakfast too. MIL will love a little hold of your baby - so if he really can’t make Eggs Benedict, join him in the kitchen and talk him through it (talk: he makes it). If it turns to shit, that’ll perhaps teach him to practise before inviting his mum over for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ But it sends him the crystal clear message that he can’t expect you to cook for his mother on Mother’s Day.

CryptoFascist · 14/03/2021 09:09

Can you tell him you want to swap the gifts? Also he can make the eggs Benedict with you supervising, then he'll know how to do it for next time. Sorry you've been let down today.

Original poster
CreosoteQueen · 14/03/2021 09:09

I don’t think he could have thought the suggestions were for his mum based on the context, but he could have forgotten where the ‘inspiration’ came from.

You’re all right, of course. We will have a conversation about it!

He’s not normally shit - he’s a lovely husband and wonderful dad. He is amazing in the ways that truly matter. But he’s not great at gifts / occasions (and to be fair to him, he doesn’t expect me to be great at them either, even though I am). It’s a love languages mismatch to an extent - gift giving / making a fuss of an occasion is my love language but not his. He can learn though!

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 14/03/2021 09:10

@MrMucker

Surely he got his own mum the nicer gift because she is his mum? It is mothers day. You are not his mum.
🥱 Because a baby less than a year old can sort out a gift themselves and no father would ever want to make the mother of their child feel good?

And FWIW, I don’t do Mother’s Day and think it’s forced nonsense - but that’s for me. You’d have to be a total dick to not appreciate that many fathers love organising things with / for their kids, to make the woman they love smile.

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