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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone give me a slap

57 replies

CreosoteQueen · 14/03/2021 08:33

This is my first Mother’s Day since having my baby. My husband asked me what I wanted a few weeks ago, so I sent him some suggestions, all very reasonably priced, thoughtful things that I would have enjoyed.

He’s opted to ignore those and get me some chocolates instead - fine, except they’re all fruit-based and he ought to know from the many times I’ve told him that I don’t like chocolate and fruit together. I have handled that graciously and thanked him. But on top of it all he informed me last night that he’s invited his mother round for a Mother’s Day breakfast and asked if I could make eggs Benedict.

To add insult to injury, he’s bought her expensive flowers and a beautiful gift which is one of the things I suggested when he asked me what I wanted a few weeks ago! I don’t begrudge her getting these presents at all because she’s absolutely lovely, but I can’t understand why he didn’t think it might be nice to make a comparable effort for both of us?

I’ll make the bloody eggs Benedict because I love my MIL and she deserves a nice day, but I’m feeling under-appreciated. I need a talking to so I don’t have a face on me and ruin what will otherwise hopefully be a nice Sunday.

OP posts:
Sunflowers095 · 14/03/2021 09:12

@MrMucker

Surely he got his own mum the nicer gift because she is his mum? It is mothers day. You are not his mum.
No, but she is the mother of his child? Women deal with contraception and side effects and then deal with pregnancy, potential side effects, painful births, massive changes to their bodies. Carry the child for 9 months and have to watch what they eat/not drink/not do xyz. Take time off work.

The very least the man can do is do something nice for mother's day that includes a thoughtful gift not something the mother of his child doesn't even like. Please.

BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 09:12

@MrMucker

Surely he got his own mum the nicer gift because she is his mum? It is mothers day. You are not his mum.
Oh this fuckwittery again. Every damn year. It's the OPs first mother's day, she specifically gave him a list if suggestions, the baby can't get anything but the op is still a mum and would like to be recognised today (especially since these are usually some of the toughest months for women and being recognised by your partner as them appreciating what you do and how everything has changed a fuckton because of a baby isn't to much to ask for, is it??!).
MrsClatterbuck · 14/03/2021 09:12

She may not be his mum BUT she is the mother of his child who obviously at this moment in time can't buy his mum a present. Also he did ask her what she would like as a present and was given a number of suggestions which he ignored but used for his own mother. Why ask if you aren't going to follow through or was he just being sneaky and wanting suggestions for his mum. That would be a whole other conversation.

pictish · 14/03/2021 09:12

So tell him exactly what you’ve told us. Calmly. Yanbu.

BrumBoo · 14/03/2021 09:16

@CreosoteQueen

I don’t think he could have thought the suggestions were for his mum based on the context, but he could have forgotten where the ‘inspiration’ came from.

You’re all right, of course. We will have a conversation about it!

He’s not normally shit - he’s a lovely husband and wonderful dad. He is amazing in the ways that truly matter. But he’s not great at gifts / occasions (and to be fair to him, he doesn’t expect me to be great at them either, even though I am). It’s a love languages mismatch to an extent - gift giving / making a fuss of an occasion is my love language but not his. He can learn though!

You say he's not great at gifts but he's managed to get lovely things for his mum? Invites her for a cooked breakfast, but can't arrange similar for you?

I'm sure he is generally lovely and whatnot, but you are making a few excuses here. He is evidently capable, he's just taking the piss a bit because he thinks you don't mind when he makes less of an effort.

mmgirish · 14/03/2021 09:16

YABU if you don't tell him that you are annoyed. Tell him calmly that's it's disappointing that he bought you something you don't and expect you to cook on Mother's Day. If you don't want a lifetime of this behaviour then it's time you nipped it in the bud now.

Meatshake · 14/03/2021 09:21

"hey husband, I'm a bit hurt that you've gone to so much effort for your mum and you've dialed it in for me. I'm going to make breakfast because I like your mum, but you've made me feel shit and underappreciated today".

Why don't adults in an adult relationship just talk about their feelings?

PegasusReturns · 14/03/2021 09:21

If he’s usually great tell him.

If you’re mil is lovely presumably she’ll be horrified at his lack of consideration.

Don’t make the eggs benedict - he needs to cook what he can manage.

Original poster
CreosoteQueen · 14/03/2021 09:22

I'm sure he is generally lovely and whatnot, but you are making a few excuses here. He is evidently capable, he's just taking the piss a bit because he thinks you don't mind when he makes less of an effort.

This is probably true - I’m a peace keeper and also perennially worried that I’m being an u grateful brat, so I probably don’t speak up as much as I should. I won’t let it slide this time - once breakfast is out of the way I’ll have a chat with him about it

OP posts:
Mischance · 14/03/2021 09:24

The trouble with speaking to him about your dissatisfaction/disappointment is that for ever after when he gives you a really lovely present, you will think he is doing it to appease you and head off a complaint!

Ploughingthrough · 14/03/2021 09:25

My DH spent many many years having to learn that I expect a gift on these occasions! It just baffled him a bit on the basis that I'm not his mum...and my own DC would appreciate me in time! He now understands that it's not about that and that he needs to make a bit of effort on their behalf until they're quite a lot older.
Don't make the eggs benedict though - he can do that for her and you!!

Cocomarine · 14/03/2021 09:31

You cannot say this just isn’t his love language, when he did it for his mum.

Well, even if he outsourced the breakfast bit to the staff 🙄

Surely you see that?

You say you’re going to tackle it this time... yet, not until after you’ve made breakfast. You don’t have to have a stand up row with him. Just laugh and say, “cook my own Mother’s Day breakfast?! I don’t think so 🤣 Get in here and help you chancer 😉”

Stovetopespresso · 14/03/2021 09:43

sometimes women (myself included) can be so...pacifying and peace -making, too much for our own good. looking at what went on last night in Clapham I feel this clearly today!
you have valid points, stick to them, how you feel is how you feel. well done for not taking it out on your mil, total hero for making the eggs!

Runnerduck34 · 14/03/2021 09:44

I'll give your DH a slap instead !

Beautiful3 · 14/03/2021 09:45

I would talk to him nicely and explain that its not customary to cook for another mum on mothers day! Also he ought to know that you dont like those chocolates so to pass them onto his mum. Ask him why he didn't get the same presents as his mum?! As he asked for suggestions they are the your suggested presents! Think you have to say something so he can try and rectify it, or at least try harder next year.

Stovetopespresso · 14/03/2021 09:45

if you wanted to be a bit pass ag you could sweetly offer mil your present too

Stovetopespresso · 14/03/2021 09:49

maybe the mil present was originally for the op and he 'got them muddled' or switched them?
@Beautiful3
I like the suggestion that its not the custom for one mum to cook for another!

MuddleMoo · 14/03/2021 09:50

Ouch! I would be fuming.

He should be cooking his mum and you breakfast. Even if it is scrambled egg.

1FootInTheRave · 14/03/2021 09:50

How awful.

He clearly can choose gifts as he got his mother something decent.

Clearly not arsed when it came to your gift.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 14/03/2021 09:51

Sorry. But how is he amazing? He ignores your suggestions and gets you something he knows you hate. Then expects you to do the donkey work so he can look good for his own mum.

Shows where you are in the pecking order.

And having a word after he gets his own way? He's not going to give a shit is he? He's got what he wanted. He looks like golden boy to his mum. You get nothing but work and put in your place.

yoyo1234 · 14/03/2021 09:54

Normally I comment about people complaining about not getting gifts etc unfavourably (I am more in favour of just a cuddle and being told by DH that he loves me ).
YANBU it is not a matter of lack of finances/time as he did these things for his Mum and then expects you to cook the breakfast Angry.
Ask him to give the chocolate. To his Mum ( you can say how they are not to your taste) hopefully he will realise how wrong he was. Maybe comment on how you said you wanted present X ( not to request it but to trigger his memory about how you had asked for it). Do not cook the breakfast, supervise him.

thecatsthecats · 14/03/2021 09:58

If he can't cook eggs benedict, then he'll have to go out to get ingredients he can cook.

Honestly OP, don't be a mug on this one.

(FWIW, my husband complained about me being difficult to buy for in front of his mum, and she said "no she isn't, she gave me a list, and I bet she's given you ideas too".)

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 14/03/2021 09:58

He can cook breakfast for both of you. And point out to him that it’s interesting that he feels his mother should get a wonderful gift but not the mother of his child. Just say something.

SpacePotato · 14/03/2021 10:01

Has your mil already arrived?
If not tell him you want the thing you specifically asked for and that he can give the chocolates and flowers to his mum.

The fact he give you chocolates isn't an issue, but the fact he gave you chocolates he KNOWS you don't like is. All that choice and he buys those ones. (Are they his favourite by any chance? Or his mum's?)

MarshmallowAra · 14/03/2021 10:31

He is a shocking cook

Practice will solve that to a great extent.

He's probably using selective/intentional ineptitude to get out of it, and you're letting him.

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