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Original poster

My husband drinks (a lot). But should I be this upset?

61 replies

Gingerspice100 · 13/03/2021 23:49

My husband gets somewhere between tipsy and drunk pretty much everyday and I am just over it. He is not getting totally wasted, other people may not know he's even been drinking... but I know. The look in his eyes changes, he slurs ever so slightly, he sometimes smells a little of booze, and he becomes unnaturally happy and animated. He's just a little drunk. One part of me thinks, it's no big deal... he has more fun and is more up for playing and engaging with our 4 year old and currently she has no idea (not even sure how old she would have to be to realize). So is this a problem? Should I be upset? He's not abusive and he provides for his family. But I just find it so fucking irritating. He's a different person you know? He also wants to chat about stupid things and makes plans that never happen and promises that he won't keep (ie. you have a lie in tomorrow, I'll get up with the kid, literally never happens... but that's a whole separate issue)

He works in the restaurant industry and so drinks at work before coming home. The last few years it hasn't been so prevalent because 5 nights a week he would be coming home after I was in bed. Right now because of the pandemic he is coming home in the early evening and drunk almost every day and then wants to spend time with me, and it just makes my skin crawl. I know he must be drinking at least 4 or 5 drinks because I know it takes at least 3 drinks to take effect.

I am (was) also a big drinker. Bar culture was a massive part of our pre- kid life. But I have had to basically knock that on the head, because you know... two boozy parents - not a good place for kids right? I have worked hard to unwind my drinking over the the last 4 years but still love a nightly glass of wine. Although I am currently pregnant so am not even doing that. I love my husband and miss relaxing with him over a bottle of wine. But I feel we are drifting further and further apart because of his drinking and my utter distain for him when he is drunk. I am now so hyper aware of it, that I can tell just from looking at him when he has been drinking and my heart just sinks. We have talked about it and he'll try and cut back for couple of days but it never lasts. I think a lot about the long term effects on our marriage and just feel myself starting to want to try and find a way out. And then I feel really guilty... the idea of breaking up our family is too horrible to think about. Am I over reacting here?. If I am the only one who seems to care about his drinking, should I just cut him some slack and focus on the good parts of our relationship? Obviously his health will suffer, but does this level of drinking effect the kids? He doesn't really spend that much time with them. I work but less then him and am very much the primary care taker. And as I said when is a little drunk he's actually much more caring and fun (I just find it gross and fake)

Sorry... long (cathartic) essay of a post, I am just interested to hear if anyone else lives with a 'problem drinker' and makes it work as well thoughts regarding my reaction to his drinking.

Thanks!

OP posts:
uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 14/03/2021 00:03

I don't have much advice because I finished it with my 1st husband for very similar reasons. He used to drink either 4 or 8 cans of beer/cider per night every single night and I felt the exact same way as you do. What I will say is that children will pick up on it so much sooner than you think. My daughter is 5 and the stuff she picks up on is amazing to me!

ineedaholidaynow · 14/03/2021 00:06

I assume he doesn't drive home from work.

Are you saying he plays more with DD when drunk? she might not notice now but will do when older

crappytimes · 14/03/2021 00:13

Sorry it really sounds horrible. My DH worked in the restaurant industry as a GM for nearly 20 yrs but apart from in his 20s when he partied hard he never came home having drunk after/during a shift. He'd finish a shift and come home
Why's he drinking either on or even after a shift? Ok a beer or even two max with colleagues sounds reasonable occasionally but any more see excessive. Is it his business?

Purplewithred · 14/03/2021 00:15

Have you talked to him about this? Does he realise his drinking is driving you to seriously consider divorce?

RampantIvy · 14/03/2021 00:21

No, you aren't over reacting. How many units a week do you think he is drinking?

bluetongue · 14/03/2021 00:25

It sounds like he has a drinking problem. He’s probably drinking a decent amount to get drunk now due to built up tolerance.

I’d be worried about possible physical health impacts.

FortunesFave · 14/03/2021 00:35

I couldn't stay because of what my child would learn from him. She'd think drinking like that was normal. Children look to their Dads for an example of what to be or what to seek in a future partner. Your little girl could find a man just like him in the future.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 14/03/2021 00:45

This would be a deal breaker for me

QueenPaw · 14/03/2021 00:49

It would be a deal breaker for me, and my parents spent 35 years in pubs/restaurants etc, I grew up in that environment which is probably why I barely drink now to be honest
My dad always had a two pints, and two days off alcohol rule after work and never ever spirits

NRE20 · 14/03/2021 00:50

My DH is a functional alcoholic, just like yours. You’re not being unreasonable, your intuition is picking up that he has a problem with alcohol and you’re not able to turn a blind eye, where it’s impacting your children (whether present or future).
No idea if it helps with your experience, but I addressed my DH’s drinking problem with him and explained what I wouldn’t put up with, for our children’s sake and for mine.
By setting boundaries for myself, it’s allowed me to continue to live with him in this situation, which I am comfortable with for now, as for me, the good outweighs the bad. I try to be mindful of the situation, in case it starts to turn into one I no longer want to be in. For example, if the drinking were to get worse. It was very difficult for me to address, as I thought by doing so, it would mean I’d have to walk away. Once I realised it wasn’t that straightforward and that it was my choice how I handled it, it became a lot easier.

Original poster
Gingerspice100 · 14/03/2021 01:17

Wow! Thank you everyone for your supportive and insightful responses. Much food for thought. Hearing the different perspectives about my daughter picking up on the drinking is hard to swallow, but I needed to hear just that. I guess that's the over riding fear I have more then anything else - will it be better or worse for her to be around a functioning ( but happy and non abusive) alcoholic or to have to have parents be separate?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerspice100 · 14/03/2021 01:18

@ineedaholidaynow

I assume he doesn't drive home from work.

Are you saying he plays more with DD when drunk? she might not notice now but will do when older

He doesn't drive home from work, or in general as we don't have a car. But he never drinks in the rare occasions he has to drive thank God!
OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerspice100 · 14/03/2021 01:22

@crappytimes

Sorry it really sounds horrible. My DH worked in the restaurant industry as a GM for nearly 20 yrs but apart from in his 20s when he partied hard he never came home having drunk after/during a shift. He'd finish a shift and come home Why's he drinking either on or even after a shift? Ok a beer or even two max with colleagues sounds reasonable occasionally but any more see excessive. Is it his business?
I know! It's so crazy the drinking at work thing. We live in NYC (I'm a Brit) and the restaurant culture is a little different to the UK... it's not uncommon for people to drink towards the end of a shift in many restaurants over here, I used to when I was a bartender. But I just didn't get drunk... and I wasn't a parent at the time. He's not the owner, he's the executive chef. but good friends with all the owners - who all have young kids, drinking problems and pissed of partners at home 🙄
OP posts:
Original poster
Gingerspice100 · 14/03/2021 01:25

@NRE20

My DH is a functional alcoholic, just like yours. You’re not being unreasonable, your intuition is picking up that he has a problem with alcohol and you’re not able to turn a blind eye, where it’s impacting your children (whether present or future). No idea if it helps with your experience, but I addressed my DH’s drinking problem with him and explained what I wouldn’t put up with, for our children’s sake and for mine. By setting boundaries for myself, it’s allowed me to continue to live with him in this situation, which I am comfortable with for now, as for me, the good outweighs the bad. I try to be mindful of the situation, in case it starts to turn into one I no longer want to be in. For example, if the drinking were to get worse. It was very difficult for me to address, as I thought by doing so, it would mean I’d have to walk away. Once I realised it wasn’t that straightforward and that it was my choice how I handled it, it became a lot easier.
Really interesting to hear. Gives me a glimmer of hope. Thankyou
OP posts:
ASnowman · 14/03/2021 01:27

I was in the same boat many years ago. I decided to stay because my husband would've been very unreliable about shared custody or visits. I really don't know if it's the right decision still. My child and husband don't have a relationship to speak of and I do worry when they grow up they might end up with a partner the same. I would advise looking up al anon for families of alcoholics and talk to someone there. If he actually wants to stop drinking there are some medications he can try. Good luck, it's a very difficult decision.

Original poster
Gingerspice100 · 14/03/2021 01:35

Oof.. Thank you for sharing that. It is such a hard decision to make.

OP posts:
Crikeycroc · 14/03/2021 01:36

I would say that you bonded over an unhealthy obsession with alcohol. Now that you don’t drink as much, you don’t have that in common anymore so you probably don’t feel the same about one another.

Original poster
Gingerspice100 · 14/03/2021 01:44

@Crikeycroc

I would say that you bonded over an unhealthy obsession with alcohol. Now that you don’t drink as much, you don’t have that in common anymore so you probably don’t feel the same about one another.
Yeah, I guess you are right. That thought does lurk around in the back of my mind.
OP posts:
LocalHobo · 14/03/2021 01:48

My DH drinks two bottles of wine and a large whiskey 4 nights a week.
It is not good but, as Crikeycroc mentions, I was a big drinker as well when we met so it is me, not he, who has changed.
I sometimes think one of the reasons I struggle with him drinking is that, in many ways, I wish I could still be doing the same! Nowadays I can't face the bleary mornings.
I have decided I can accept the situation. He has three nights with no alcohol. He is otherwise a great husband and father.

Original poster
Gingerspice100 · 14/03/2021 01:55

@Purplewithred

Have you talked to him about this? Does he realise his drinking is driving you to seriously consider divorce?
In all honesty I haven't had that level of discussion with him. We have had fights (started by me) not being able to hold in my emotions, when he is drunk (which is pointless I know... but sometimes I just can't be the bigger person) and I have had many talks over the years about how is drinking upsets me and makes me not want to spend time with him... but I guess I have not yet expressed that I have thoughts about leaving. It needs to happen. But as earlier said, I haven't been super clear in my own mind on whether I am over reacting as his level of alcoholism is 'not that bad'. This thread is helping!
OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 14/03/2021 01:57

@LocalHobo aren’t you at risk at showing your DC that this is normal, which obviously it isn’t.

Does he go to work the morning after drinking all this?

Fontella · 14/03/2021 02:02

@LocalHobo

My DH drinks two bottles of wine and a large whiskey 4 nights a week. It is not good but, as Crikeycroc mentions, I was a big drinker as well when we met so it is me, not he, who has changed. I sometimes think one of the reasons I struggle with him drinking is that, in many ways, I wish I could still be doing the same! Nowadays I can't face the bleary mornings. I have decided I can accept the situation. He has three nights with no alcohol. He is otherwise a great husband and father.
8 bottles of wine and 4 large whiskies is 88 units of alcohol a week.

The recommended maximum is 14 units, so your DH is drinking more than 5 times that. That is a huge amount and drinking week after week at that level is going to cause all kinds of physical damage.

singlemummanurse · 14/03/2021 02:09

My dad was a functional alcoholic, I absolutely adored him as a kid until my parents got a divorce when I was 11 and my mum told me about his alcoholism. The rose coloured glasses came off and I was so angry at my dad and refused to have anything to do with him. He knocked a cyclist off their bike drink driving (luckily cyclist was OK), got alcohol related amnesia and forgot his kids (only found out as due to that ss were involved with him and they saw his name in my file as I was in care, asked if I wanted to see him but as he was still drinking I said no) then died from a massive haemorrhage related to stomach cancer caused by drinking.
My mum was a functional alcoholic. She held down jobs while she used to piss herself at the cricket club and fall off chairs while myself and my little sister had to get her home by ourselves as her "friends" thought it was hilarious. I also found 11 vodka bottles and 12 wine bottles in my 11yo sisters room while looking for stuff of mine my sister had pinched and had to hide her empty wine bottles in the bin from her boyfriend as he had said they could only continue dating if she cut down on her drinking. I haven't had anything to do with her since I was 13 and ran away from home, stayed with my older sister for a few months then put myself in care when she tried to drop me back at my mums.
Functional alcoholics rarely stay functional, alcohol drags people down, alcoholics are selfish, will lie and hide their drinking. It's a shitty childhood being the kid of an alcoholic. I would have loved to have one parent that wasn't an alcoholic that had taken me away from the alcoholic parent even if I only had a safe home 50% of the time. I would lay it out for your husband, how alcohol dependency affects people, how worried you are about it, how it will affect your kids if he doesn't get it under control and how it is ruining your marriage. I would set boundaries, like firstly admitting he has a problem and then seeking help otherwise you will have to consider your relationship for the sake of your kids, then follow through if he doesn't adhere to your boundaries. Don't let your kids become the victims of your husband alcoholism.

Original poster
Gingerspice100 · 14/03/2021 02:09

I just realized you can tag people rather then replying to quotes, doh! @LocalHobo Thank you for sharing that. Yes... exactly! I am the one who has changed, and I acknowledge that with him. But on some level drinking has always been an issue for us... I used to be a big drinker, but he used to get obliterated several times a week. That was a source of embarrassment and irritation (it ruined a fair amount of dates) Now I am a moderate drinker (before getting pregnant), but he is still a heavy drinker (ruining a fair amount of family time).

So he has changed as well (which I always acknowledge when we talk about this) but just not enough. And yeah, there's a big part of me that misses my pre kid, bar hopping, eating out life... but now my daughter and unborn son are my priority and providing a stable and happy home is the most important thing for me. And while I think in theory it is for DH, his drinking is still front and center of our lives.

OP posts:
Nenevalleykayaker · 14/03/2021 02:11

My husband gets somewhere between tipsy and drunk pretty much everyday and I am just over it. He is not getting totally wasted, other people may not know he's even been drinking... but I know. The look in his eyes changes, he slurs ever so slightly, he sometimes smells a little of booze, and he becomes unnaturally happy and animated

Same as mine. He drinks 4-5 cans a night. His eyes glaze, he slurs, he repeats himself in conversation, when he comes to bed his breath is strong with alcohol.
He’ll put 1 or 2 cans in the recycle bin and the others in the usual bin, so it looks like he’s not drunk much that night, and he’ll keep saying ne’s just going up the shop we need a loaf of bread, but will always come back with beer.

It’s deeply unattractive but I’ve talked about with him, he says he’ll cut back and not drink on weekdays, but nothings changed,

He’ll start drinking more and more as time goes on. My grandmother was an alcoholic and my aunt, I know the patterns.

I don’t drink. Maybe a Baileys at Christmas.

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