My husband drinks (a lot). But should I be this upset?

[Gingerspice100]

My husband gets somewhere between tipsy and drunk pretty much everyday and I am just over it. He is not getting totally wasted, other people may not know he's even been drinking... but I know. The look in his eyes changes, he slurs ever so slightly, he sometimes smells a little of booze, and he becomes unnaturally happy and animated. He's just a little drunk. One part of me thinks, it's no big deal... he has more fun and is more up for playing and engaging with our 4 year old and currently she has no idea (not even sure how old she would have to be to realize). So is this a problem? Should I be upset? He's not abusive and he provides for his family. But I just find it so fucking irritating. He's a different person you know? He also wants to chat about stupid things and makes plans that never happen and promises that he won't keep (ie. you have a lie in tomorrow, I'll get up with the kid, literally never happens... but that's a whole separate issue)

He works in the restaurant industry and so drinks at work before coming home. The last few years it hasn't been so prevalent because 5 nights a week he would be coming home after I was in bed. Right now because of the pandemic he is coming home in the early evening and drunk almost every day and then wants to spend time with me, and it just makes my skin crawl. I know he must be drinking at least 4 or 5 drinks because I know it takes at least 3 drinks to take effect.

I am (was) also a big drinker. Bar culture was a massive part of our pre- kid life. But I have had to basically knock that on the head, because you know... two boozy parents - not a good place for kids right? I have worked hard to unwind my drinking over the the last 4 years but still love a nightly glass of wine. Although I am currently pregnant so am not even doing that. I love my husband and miss relaxing with him over a bottle of wine. But I feel we are drifting further and further apart because of his drinking and my utter distain for him when he is drunk. I am now so hyper aware of it, that I can tell just from looking at him when he has been drinking and my heart just sinks. We have talked about it and he'll try and cut back for couple of days but it never lasts. I think a lot about the long term effects on our marriage and just feel myself starting to want to try and find a way out. And then I feel really guilty... the idea of breaking up our family is too horrible to think about. Am I over reacting here?. If I am the only one who seems to care about his drinking, should I just cut him some slack and focus on the good parts of our relationship? Obviously his health will suffer, but does this level of drinking effect the kids? He doesn't really spend that much time with them. I work but less then him and am very much the primary care taker. And as I said when is a little drunk he's actually much more caring and fun (I just find it gross and fake)

Sorry... long (cathartic) essay of a post, I am just interested to hear if anyone else lives with a 'problem drinker' and makes it work as well thoughts regarding my reaction to his drinking.

Thanks!

@singlemummanurse thank you for sharing such a personal story. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Very eye opening. 😢

@Nenevalleykayaker oh yeah... I relate to this so much. On his day off my husband will leave to go and 'run errands' and I just know he's going to stop at his local bar on his way home. Which would be fine... if he was just having a beer, but it's normally 3 beers and 3 whiskies and he comes home merry AF. And I have grown to loath it.

I would really struggle with that, but I understand how difficult it must be when you feel he's a good partner and parent apart from the drinking. However, the fact that he works in the restaurant industry doesn't mean he has to drink so frequently or so much. That's just an excuse, and it's really not the behaviour of a good partner/parent to drink so much, make promises he forgets, etc.

If he saw the drinking as a problem and was willing to try to cut back (or stop altogether, if he turns out to be an "all or nothing" style of drinker), I'd give it a good effort. However, if he doesn't see it as a problem, I wouldn't expect it to work. It won't be easy for him, and he has to honestly want to change for it to have a chance.

I'd definitely find a time to speak to him about how much it's troubling you. He needs to know that you're considering divorce so he at least has a chance to change.

I now find myself in the position of dealing with my dads vascular dementia, after a lifetime of living with his functioning alcoholism. I'm so angry, disappointed and conflicted, he's only in his early seventies, and now it's all on me to deal with his medical appointments and general erratic behaviour, when I have my own young family and job.
He selfishly put his own needs first throughout our lives, and now look at us. Be mindful that one day your child will be an adult, and will remember it all.

He would be out the door. His actions are appalling, especially with a little kid around. Stop the drinking or get out.

My parents weren't out and out alcoholics but they were problem drinkers with a bad party-type relationship with alcohol for much of my childhood. It's left me very fucked up, having to drag them and my little sister back to hotel rooms on holidays, having to avoid predatory adults at their parties, promises made and never kept... I never felt safe or secure, always had to be looking over my shoulder starting age 5 or 6.

What I'm saying is even if you think that it's not affecting your child, it might be because your husband will be unreliable. Kids value security and reliability over fun.

*I haven’t been super clear in my own mind on whether I am over reacting as his level of alcoholism is “not that bad”.

You should be aware that alcoholism is a progressive disease. An individual will not turn into a 24/7 drinker overnight, but over time tolerance builds up and more and more alcohol is consumed. Alcoholism doesn’t tend to reach a certain level and then stop, it will always keep on progressing. For that reason, no you are not over reacting just because you think he is currently at a tolerable level of functioning.

My mum was an alcoholic and it damaged our relationship a lot. It started like your husband, she would be a little tipsy most of the time and it would make her more outgoing and fun to be around. But she also made promises she couldn’t keep. I noticed she was different but I didn’t understand why. The erratic behaviour and inability to follow through on promises made me think she was “stupid” - as a 6 year old I couldn’t really offer another explanation. It caused confusion and later when I understood, a lot of anger.

You do realise he’s an alcoholic, right? He’s probably drinking a lot more than you realise. Do check out Al Anon. It can be really helpful. So many partners, particularly women, get into feeling they can fix it. That there is something they can “say” to make him change.

Set a boundary with him (think hard what you want that to be). Then stick to the consequences of what you’ve told him.

Think hard about your own drinking too once your son is born. It can be VERY easy to use drinking as a reward at the end of a long day with small kids. And society encourages it. I know. That was me. I stopped and my life flourished. By OH still drinks most nights. Not to the extent of yours by the sound of it. But it’s certainly something I don’t want in my life any longer & is a minor factor in my decision to end the marriage.

Your husbands drinking is a problem, I’m not disagreeing with that. But do you think you are possibly harbouring feelings of jealousy and resentment as you can’t drink at the moment plus you are the only who has made an effort to cut back for the kids sakes? I think that could possibly be enhancing how you feel and making you hyper vigilant. Would he agree to 4 nights a week with no booze? It’s definitely a problem, but I think you both need to come to an agreement to solve it.

Deal breaker.

And please don't fool yourself. Your 4yo definitely knows the difference between happy daddy and normal daddy. She may not know how to verbalize it but she knows. This will only get worse. You need to speak to him and set your conditions and boundaries before the new baby arrives. It will be harder as he will believe because he is functioning as normal he doesn't have a problem.
But you know he does. And your DC will know too.

This was my childhood. My dad was functioning until he wasn't. My mum stayed to keep the family together. Can't decide which parent was worse to be honest.

I'm left with lifelong issues. Google adult children of alcoholics for insight.

For your children, please leave. They know, even at an early age.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum now for not being the adult and getting us out of that situation.

Grim. The broken promises and forgetting what was promised are so familiar to me. DP was like this; he drank 100 units a week. Never blotto – he’d acclimatised his body to constant drinking – but slurry, stinky, glassy-eyed. I gave him an ultimatum and set boundaries. He still drinks but he is very, very sensible about it now and knows I would kick him out of the house. He’s a different person: thinner, glowier, happier, more morningy, more attractive.

What would happen in an emergency? Say you became ill and ended up in hospital - could you rely on your husband to take care of your child sober? Would you be comfortable leaving her with him?

My Dad is a nice alcoholic in that he has to drink every evening between tipsy and drunk, and has every single day that I’ve known him, but has never been abusive.

I first picked on up on this when I was about 13 and tried to speak to him about problems i was having and he laughed at me. Not so much laughed but giggled. I complained as to why he was laughing when I was trying to speak to him and he pointed to the bottle of wine in front of him and said I’m pissed what do you expect don’t try to talk to me when I’m drinking. So I waited and waited and waited until there was no bottle of wine in front of him. He was always working so dinner was the only time I spent with him that wasn’t being rushed to get ready or rushed to school.

That day never came and I never attempted to talk to him about something important again. And there was a lot to talk about and he was my primary carer. My mums MH, being bullied at school, being sexually assaulted etc. Not saying I would have chosen to talk to him these things but alcohol removed the possibility of doing so and this carried on into adult life.

When my marriage broke down he desperately wanted me to talk to him about it but I just couldn’t. It wasn’t something that we’d done and I think that was the first time he realised that maybe we didn’t have the relationship he thought we did and he wasn’t quite the Dad he thought he was.

Anyway the point of this.

Eventually alcohol will let your daughter down in exactly the same way it’s letting you down. You both want and need him, not him plus alcohol or a relationship that exsists in the gaps and crevices left by alcohol

@Prettybubblesintheair

Your husbands drinking is a problem, I’m not disagreeing with that. But do you think you are possibly harbouring feelings of jealousy and resentment as you can’t drink at the moment plus you are the only who has made an effort to cut back for the kids sakes? I think that could possibly be enhancing how you feel and making you hyper vigilant. Would he agree to 4 nights a week with no booze? It’s definitely a problem, but I think you both need to come to an agreement to solve it.

This is such a gas lighting and victim blaming response. It’s so like what the alcoholic themselves might say to minimise- oh you’re just jealous because you can’t drink.

Do you have any direct experience of alcoholism? I grew up with an alcoholic father. Categorically I can tell you that alcoholism doesn’t get solved by a couple in a relationship “making an agreement”. Jesus.

It would be the end for me, whether one glass a night or more I couldn’t have a partner that drank daily and certainly not with children in the house. I wouldn’t want them to think daily drinking was the norm.

I am Irish , so grew up in this culture . Also lived in NYC , so understand the after work drinks habit.
I can relate to the both of you bring big drinkers together . Most of us in our 20s , it was all about partying together and drinking . And hangovers were not a problem.
But it is deeply unattractive and quite frankly boring to have a drunken Dad in the house. Just so pathetic that while you have matured and moved on , he is still behaving irresponsiblely. But I know from my own experience , you will be told that you are overreacting. You are not. Now you have. children together, they should be his priority .
Another factor that almost never gets addressed is the money spent. He may get free drinks at work . But I bet if you added up what he spends on drink , it would be a lot . My father, who was teetotal was a golfer , again a big drinking culture in the club. He always maintained that if these guys were regularly dropping sums of money on drink, that something was being sacrificed from the household income.

At this stage in his life , all his time and money should be devoted to his children. And they deserve a sober and thoughtful father .
I feel for you , it is very hard to see it happening. But unless he himself acknowledges that he has a problem, he is unlikely to change . Still being around people with that mindset makes it even more difficult for him to see it as a problem. And his drinking will only increase , not decrease.
Really , you have to tell him how you feel , your concerns and how it may be the reason you can not stay with him.The rest is up to him.

One boozy parent isn’t good for kids either

Your take on the situation sounds really thoughtful and level headed. Maybe to give you more confidence in your opinion you could work out how many units he is drinking a week so that you can compare that to something like the NHS advice ‘ The NHS recommends not drinking more than 14 units of alcohol a week. If you do drink that much, it is best to spread it over three or more days.’ Because you’re right not to be happy living with a drunk and that’s not a problem that is going to be fixed by a newborn joining your household.

What happens when you try and talk to your husband about his drinking when he’s sober?

Your daughter is being conditioned to choose an alcoholic partner in the future. I had a dad like this (he's a lot better now but...nearly 70, are you willing to wait that long?) and I ended up married to an alcoholic and having serious relationships with two others before him. My current DP is fine about alcohol but I found myself dating an alcoholic before him at the age of 38 and making excuses for him so I clearly haven't learnt much yet

I would not be able to put up with that. He shouldn’t need to be tipsy to play with his kid and be engaged, he is an alcoholic and it REALLY needs to be adressed.

The alcohol will (is) causing damage to his body and with time his health.

He has a young kid, he needs to prioritize her over the booze AND without the booze.

What would he say if you told him to stop drinking during the week? Would he blow up?

Honestly tolerating alcoholism is a disservice to your husband but most importantly your kid. I would not want my kid to grow up normalizing daily alcohol consumption and thinking a daily drunk/tipsy dad is a normal dad.

Talk to your DH and ask him what his alcohol consumption teaches your daughter.

He might be functioning but he is still an alcoholic.

This was / is my dad. Believe me, your daughter will know. My siblings & I always knew. My brothers never seemed hugely bothered by it but I hated the slurring, glassy eyed, embarassing dad that would appear every weekend & at every social occasion.

I have never felt truly comfortable in my dad's company because I've never really known who he is.

The problem with functioning alcoholics is that they tend to turn into non-functioning alcoholics. It is as said above a progressive disease. Drinking at a level where you're drunk daily is also storing up significant health issues. My husband was a drinker all his life but tipped into alcohol addiction after his mum died. Within 8 years he had lost his job, his family and his life. He was 58. He was emotionally abusive, which ended the marriage, but even before that happened, our DDs were aware that things were not right. Your children will also know. They will see the signs, smell the smell and always have to adapt how they behave around him. Is that what you want? You need to have serious conversations with him and then decide what you want your life to be.

DH’s stepdad had issues with alcohol and I assume would have been a functioning alcoholic. He only came into DH’s life when DH was an adult so didn’t affect his childhood. When I first started seeing DH his stepdad only drank at weekends and holidays, so he would always have been drinking when I saw him, as we lived a long distance from them so only saw them at weekends or holidays. He then went on medication which meant he couldn’t drink or would be seriously ill, he was like a different man when I saw him during that period, the difference was really noticeable.

Unfortunately he then went the other way and drank whenever he could get hold of alcohol which eventually killed him.