My husband drinks (a lot). But should I be this upset?

[Gingerspice100]

My husband gets somewhere between tipsy and drunk pretty much everyday and I am just over it. He is not getting totally wasted, other people may not know he's even been drinking... but I know. The look in his eyes changes, he slurs ever so slightly, he sometimes smells a little of booze, and he becomes unnaturally happy and animated. He's just a little drunk. One part of me thinks, it's no big deal... he has more fun and is more up for playing and engaging with our 4 year old and currently she has no idea (not even sure how old she would have to be to realize). So is this a problem? Should I be upset? He's not abusive and he provides for his family. But I just find it so fucking irritating. He's a different person you know? He also wants to chat about stupid things and makes plans that never happen and promises that he won't keep (ie. you have a lie in tomorrow, I'll get up with the kid, literally never happens... but that's a whole separate issue)

He works in the restaurant industry and so drinks at work before coming home. The last few years it hasn't been so prevalent because 5 nights a week he would be coming home after I was in bed. Right now because of the pandemic he is coming home in the early evening and drunk almost every day and then wants to spend time with me, and it just makes my skin crawl. I know he must be drinking at least 4 or 5 drinks because I know it takes at least 3 drinks to take effect.

I am (was) also a big drinker. Bar culture was a massive part of our pre- kid life. But I have had to basically knock that on the head, because you know... two boozy parents - not a good place for kids right? I have worked hard to unwind my drinking over the the last 4 years but still love a nightly glass of wine. Although I am currently pregnant so am not even doing that. I love my husband and miss relaxing with him over a bottle of wine. But I feel we are drifting further and further apart because of his drinking and my utter distain for him when he is drunk. I am now so hyper aware of it, that I can tell just from looking at him when he has been drinking and my heart just sinks. We have talked about it and he'll try and cut back for couple of days but it never lasts. I think a lot about the long term effects on our marriage and just feel myself starting to want to try and find a way out. And then I feel really guilty... the idea of breaking up our family is too horrible to think about. Am I over reacting here?. If I am the only one who seems to care about his drinking, should I just cut him some slack and focus on the good parts of our relationship? Obviously his health will suffer, but does this level of drinking effect the kids? He doesn't really spend that much time with them. I work but less then him and am very much the primary care taker. And as I said when is a little drunk he's actually much more caring and fun (I just find it gross and fake)

Sorry... long (cathartic) essay of a post, I am just interested to hear if anyone else lives with a 'problem drinker' and makes it work as well thoughts regarding my reaction to his drinking.

Thanks!

Thank you so much everyone for your responses. It's overwhelming but eye opening to see clearly I am not over reacting and potentially my daughter's emotional health is already being jeopardized. I'm gutted. I'll make a plan to have 'the talk' with my husband ASAP. As well as start thinking about what the next phase (separation I guess 😢) could possibly look like for us if things don't change. That feels like a crazy thing to say, as I don't think we are anywhere near there yet... but I guess I have had my head in the sand for a long time now.

Happy Mother's Day by the way!

If its bothering you, then it is a problem. I would hate that. Check out 'Al Anon' for loved ones of problem drinking. Not nice for the kids.

I have come at this from a slightly different angle. I began a relationship with someone and could tell she drank a lot, compared to me at least. The glassy eyes, slurring etc were a turn off. I said ‘I don’t give a shit if you drink when you’re not with me - but I want to build a strong connection with you. When you have a drink you’re not connecting with me, we aren’t able to communicate and it turns me off you, you’re not attractive to me slurring etc, so I won’t be sticking around, when you drink I’ll leave, and we can reconnect another time.’ She was able to understand this wasn’t about me or her, but us, our relationship together, and what was at risk. I think it would be hard to take this approach in your position, but others have mentioned having clear bottom lines. Another for me would be no drunk adults around my kids ever, you may want to consider this as an option.

@notturningintopowerranger Thank for that perspective. I relate to this so much, as to be honest, right now that's the biggest problem for me - just not having any time to connect as a couple. Although obviously, the dark thoughts about the impact it is having on my daughter are starting to come to the surface. Your approach makes a lot of sense to me at least as a starting point. Do you find the boundaries are adhered to though? I worry he doesn't have enough control to just keep the drinking out of our family lives, and would always be on edge at social events and special occasions. Does your partner drink at all when she's with you? Like are you able to have a glass of wine at dinner together or is it a hard line?

You aren’t overreacting - he’s a functioning alcoholic and it will get steadily worse. If he doesn’t fix it you and the kids will be better off without him - gradually he’ll loose his job, health, not be able to care for the kids etc.

You can’t make him do anything, except set up a come to Jesus conversation and tell him he needs to get I sorted with professional help now. He will need help because most people do and he works in a boosy environment.

If he gets to it now, he may not need to give up drinking completely. Shahroo Isadi has some good material here. He may have to give up completely though....

@partyatthepalace yessss! I just read her book 'the last diet' I will look into her work on alcohol. Thank you!

I don't have any advice to offer. Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat. This thread has been eye-opening, I've clearly been burying my head in the sand.

@singlemummanurse

My dad was a functional alcoholic, I absolutely adored him as a kid until my parents got a divorce when I was 11 and my mum told me about his alcoholism. The rose coloured glasses came off and I was so angry at my dad and refused to have anything to do with him. He knocked a cyclist off their bike drink driving (luckily cyclist was OK), got alcohol related amnesia and forgot his kids (only found out as due to that ss were involved with him and they saw his name in my file as I was in care, asked if I wanted to see him but as he was still drinking I said no) then died from a massive haemorrhage related to stomach cancer caused by drinking. My mum was a functional alcoholic. She held down jobs while she used to piss herself at the cricket club and fall off chairs while myself and my little sister had to get her home by ourselves as her "friends" thought it was hilarious. I also found 11 vodka bottles and 12 wine bottles in my 11yo sisters room while looking for stuff of mine my sister had pinched and had to hide her empty wine bottles in the bin from her boyfriend as he had said they could only continue dating if she cut down on her drinking. I haven't had anything to do with her since I was 13 and ran away from home, stayed with my older sister for a few months then put myself in care when she tried to drop me back at my mums. Functional alcoholics rarely stay functional, alcohol drags people down, alcoholics are selfish, will lie and hide their drinking. It's a shitty childhood being the kid of an alcoholic. I would have loved to have one parent that wasn't an alcoholic that had taken me away from the alcoholic parent even if I only had a safe home 50% of the time. I would lay it out for your husband, how alcohol dependency affects people, how worried you are about it, how it will affect your kids if he doesn't get it under control and how it is ruining your marriage. I would set boundaries, like firstly admitting he has a problem and then seeking help otherwise you will have to consider your relationship for the sake of your kids, then follow through if he doesn't adhere to your boundaries. Don't let your kids become the victims of your husband alcoholism.

Everything here I had a similar experience as a child and I’m asking you to remove your child from this situation unless it’s addressed

[quote Gingerspice100]@partyatthepalace yessss! I just read her book 'the last diet' I will look into her work on alcohol. Thank you![/quote]
Me too! - she’s good isn’t she. She also does coaching - if he’s opened to it a few sessions might be helpful -

She was really sad Ginger when I explained what the impact was on our relationship, and I think it sunk in that she had been using booze to escape from experiencing life and relationships. We both totally stopped, which for me was not noticeable, but for her, there were a million excuses to have a beer; Friday/long day at work/difficult conversation and the drinking carried on but far less. The relationship ended, for other reasons, but I was really pleased that I had put my boundaries in.

It was far easier for me to walk away than it is for you (as no children together). I wish you so much good will, and hope you are able to really break it down for him and be very clear about what you expect and what you want.