To think they were wrong all those years ago?

[WhoisRebecca]

All the stuff in the press about women’s safety at night at the moment has got me thinking. This is probably a pointless thread, because this happened 20 years ago, when I was 21 and working at a boarding school. Walking back to the school at night with my headphones in, a man followed me into the school grounds and I sensed him behind me. As I turned around he pulled my skirt up and I think I shouted and waved my umbrella at him and he ran off.

My first reaction when I got back to the boarding house was to phone my mum. I was in shock. The boarding house mistress, a woman old enough to be my mum, pulled me into her office and said that my mum had rung her and also contacted the police about it. She showed no sympathy and said that I had put the girls in the boarding house at risk by not telling her immediately. I’m still angry, all these years later. I remember feeling ashamed. I know it’s stupid really and I should just let it go now. It only bothers me when I think about it.

Just bumping. I know it seems really trivial. I just remember the boarding house mistress and her assistant telling me how I had done the wrong thing, rather than supporting me.

You did nothing wrong.

Thank you. I suppose it was the insinuation that I had endangered the girls in the boarding house (who I adored and would have done anything to protect) when I was the one who’d been assaulted.

There were someone potentially assaulting girls around your boarding school and you didn't immediately raise the alarm after an attempted attack.

Did your house mistress say you shouldn't have told anyone or did they tell you that you should have told them first (for everyone's safety)? There's a big difference.

Your response was completely normal and natural. You were a kid, you were in shock and you needed to talk to your mum. You didn't put anyone at risk.

The house mistress was cruel to blame you and to show no sympathy when you had been the victim of an attack. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was freaked out and not thinking properly, but she was wrong to project that on to you.

You've carried this for long enough. Let it go now. You did nothing wrong.

I told my mum who told them. But I was in shock and wanted my mum. I didn’t think. The boarding house was locked and he’d followed me on the street. I just think they should have still treated me with kindness. I wasn’t the one assaulting anyone.

Yes the house mistress wanted me to tell her first. Which yes, rationally would have been correct. I was a very silly, immature 21 year old. You don’t always know what the right thing is.

I was a very silly, immature 21 year old.

^

No. You were scared and had been assaulted. Blame the man, not yourself!

Sorry, I missed the fact that you were 21 and working at the school, not a pupil, but you were still in shock so your reaction was natural. Presumably, the boarding house was secure enough to prevent anyone from just walking in.

Your mum rang the house mistress anyway, so there obviously wasn't a significant delay. I doubt it made much difference tbh.

It would have been a 5 minute delay at most.

Just forgive yourself now, OP. You were the victim in this situation, and no matter how badly it was handled by your employer at the time, you did nothing wrong. It's difficult to think straight when you're in shock. Maybe the house mistress wasn't thinking straight either.

It doesn't sound like the 5 minute delay led to anyone getting harmed, so try to put this behind you now.

That’s true. I guess my anger is that while the house mistress might not have been thinking straight, she hadn’t just been assaulted and she was more than twice my age. I can’t imagine treating a young woman that way now.

You were a victim. There is no victim rule book that states who you must tell in which order.

You told the first person you felt comfortable to tell immediately you felt able who then informed others on your behalf.

Your actions supported both you and made sure the right people for the information to keep the students safe.

They should not have made the victim feel guilty

@itsgettingwierd yes that is true. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable telling the house mistress tbh. I was very vulnerable all those years ago - I was in the grip of an eating disorder and probably needed someone to show some kindness and care. I’m a different person now and I don’t believe anyone would treat me that way now.
Sorry, not sure why I’m ruminating on it now.

I guess my anger is that while the house mistress might not have been thinking straight, she hadn’t just been assaulted and she was more than twice my age. I can’t imagine treating a young woman that way now.

I totally agree, she was wrong to treat you with so little compassion. She hadn't just been assaulted, whereas you had, and you needed a calm, caring empathetic response. But then again, who knows what memories the incident might have triggered for her? Not an excuse for her behaviour, but there might have been somethIng else going on for her. Plus she was responsible for the safety of all the girls in the house - maybe she just panicked.

You'll probably never know now.

I imagine the house mistress was annoyed that she couldn't stop both your mother and the police being involved. Worried she'd be told off and face disciplinary action.

If you'd told the house mistress, she'd likely have tried to tell your mother you were over reacting, over imaginative etc. Certainly not involved the police. These things, especially 20 years ago would have been swept under the carpet.

Of course she could have treated you more kindly but she would be torn between dealing with an employee and protecting the pupils who were here responsibility.

I don't blame you for still being pissed off OP. What I'm pissed off about, is since the 70's, half a century ago!!! Women are still being told the same thing.

50 years!!! 50 fucking years and times have not changed.

Sorry -omitted I was talking about Peter Sutcliffe.

I remember thinking at the time, ‘oh it’s nothing, mum’s over reacting.’ I would not have wanted to get the police involved were it not for my mum. It’s only years later that I realise it was a sexual assault. What disturbs me is that I turned round, because I felt that prickly feeling of someone being behind me - I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t. My boyfriend at the time just said ‘hope you were wearing knickers haha.’ I didn’t dump him immediately. There are advantages to being 40 and wiser.

The pupils weren’t in danger because my mum told her and contacted the police within 5 minutes. And I hadn’t done anything wrong. I do need to believe that, I think.

The house mistress sat me in her office with the assistant house mistress. So there were the two of them there, sitting in front of me like they were interviewing me and quizzing me about my behaviour. I remember it really clearly.

in the main people instinctively understand that it's very easy to spin things and make the victims feel guilty because this is a sexual matter and it's easy to elicit shame/humiliation
people who are naturally cruel will tend to do this unthinkingly b/c it's part of their cruel nature

I was subjected to indecent exposure (a young man in the street openly masturbating) when I was about 21, and I didn't call the police until the next day. They told me I should have dialled 999 immediately, because the flasher was likely to go on to become a rapist if not apprehended early. I felt bad about it, as there was no way they could catch the guy after the event.

However, I was in shock and it wasn't until the next day that the seriousness of the situation sank in properly. My immediate reaction was to get home quickly, shut the door and shout "yuck!", then laugh, then get angry, and tell my housemate about it. What you did in calling your Mum was an entirely natural reaction, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

Well, they weren't wrong to tell you that you ought to have said something. But I think they should have been kinder about it.

They may also have been rather frightened by the incident.