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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they were wrong all those years ago?

58 replies

WhoisRebecca · 13/03/2021 17:27

All the stuff in the press about women’s safety at night at the moment has got me thinking. This is probably a pointless thread, because this happened 20 years ago, when I was 21 and working at a boarding school. Walking back to the school at night with my headphones in, a man followed me into the school grounds and I sensed him behind me. As I turned around he pulled my skirt up and I think I shouted and waved my umbrella at him and he ran off.

My first reaction when I got back to the boarding house was to phone my mum. I was in shock. The boarding house mistress, a woman old enough to be my mum, pulled me into her office and said that my mum had rung her and also contacted the police about it. She showed no sympathy and said that I had put the girls in the boarding house at risk by not telling her immediately. I’m still angry, all these years later. I remember feeling ashamed. I know it’s stupid really and I should just let it go now. It only bothers me when I think about it.

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Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 13/03/2021 18:44

They weren’t as frightened as I was, once I had processed things. I told my mum, who told them immediately. So why tell me what I should have done, after the fact?

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Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 13/03/2021 18:45

@Covert19 so sorry, that sounds like a horrible incident. I would have reacted similarly, I think. You don’t always process things immediately.

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Splicedbananas · 13/03/2021 18:47

I think some people struggle to deal with difficult situations. So they turn it round on the victim because it's easier to blame you than to actually deal with any consequences that arise (dealing with police, looking after you, reviewing safety procedures etc). It's why people in authority tell the victim of bullies that they have to empathise with the bully.

Also, there is a cultural thing around sexual assault that somehow the woman must have invited it. It's a combination of misogyny and above mindset.

There is very little understanding of how trauma affects people. You wouldn't have been able to think through a best strategy because you were in fight/flight/freeze mode which knocks out your frontal cortex and puts you into survival mode. The most natural thing in the world is to ring your mum.

These women were very unkind to you and I'm not at all surprised that what's going on in the news atm triggered you.

I hope you are feeling a bit better now. It must have been a terribly frightening event for any woman, let alone someone so young. You deserved empathy and support.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 13/03/2021 18:52

I remember the HUGE surge of adrenaline when I turned around and got my umbrella. I remember the only thought in my head was ‘I will fight you.’ I wasn’t scared. Then I got to my room and was a bit shaky and just wanted to speak to my mum. The house mistress was a rather cold woman and I wouldn’t have thought to go to her.
At breakfast the next day, no one spoke of it.
I remember what I had been wearing - camel knee boots and a brown check skirt. I was quite pretty and liked clothes. Part of me does question - was it my fault? I know it wasn’t, not really. I was wearing headphones and shouldn’t have been, as it was dark and I was alone.

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Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 13/03/2021 18:57

Thank you for all the kind comments on this thread. I feel a bit silly, because it was so long ago and I’m perfectly fine and safe now and nothing really happened. It just came into my head today and wouldn’t go away. It’s helped to talk about it. Their reaction upsets me more than the assault itself when I think about it, which is strange.

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ddl1 · 13/03/2021 19:03

You did nothing wrong. I think the housemistress may have jumped to the conclusion that your calling your mum might have implied that you did not trust her to deal with the situation properly, or even that you or your mum were blaming the school in some way. Boarding school staff can be a bit paranoid about losing business or getting publicly criticized as a result of pupils complaining about them, and she may have extended this paranoia to you. This is of course no excuse for being so nasty to you when you had just been attacked!

BanginChoons · 13/03/2021 19:04

@WhoisRebecca I want you to know that this was not your fault, and you did nothing wrong.
You were a young woman who was subjected to a sexual assault. There is no rule book to follow when this happens to you. I am glad you were able to call your mum for support. The woman you worked with should have shown you compassion, not blame.
Please let go of the guilt you feel. The police were called and the school informed. You did everything you should have done.

ddl1 · 13/03/2021 19:05

And of course the assault was NOT your fault, and whatever you were wearing doesn't justify or excuse a crime!

OldWomanSaysThis · 13/03/2021 19:05

The housemistress was probably mad because she wanted to keep it on the down low. Had you told her first she would have convinced you not to tell anyone else.

I think you did the exact right thing.

IsThePopeCatholic · 13/03/2021 19:18

The head was probably worried that the news would get out and she wanted to be in control of the information. Remember, boarding schools are businesses, and they are worried about bad publicity.

These assaults do linger in one’s minds. I have also been the victim of one. Women are never to blame and you behaved exactly as I would have.

criminallyinsane · 13/03/2021 19:20

Sorry you're reliving this at the moment... I was flashed at in the early eighties. I tried to laugh at him but no sound came out, and I got away and called the police when I got home. They came out to the house but laughed about the incident and failed to take it seriously at all.

ancientgran · 13/03/2021 19:22

She wasn't very kind but I wonder how many girls she was responsible for? It is a big responsibility and although she wasn't assaulted she probably was quite shaken.

I think you should blame the man who assaulted you and forgive her and don't worry about if you got it wrong.

PrincessBuggerPants · 13/03/2021 19:41

Schools can be terrible about this sort of thing. Some SLTs would probably try to find a way to avoid calling the police if a pupil was stabbed in front of them.

You followed your gut and called your mum and it turned out to be the right thing to do. You had no obligation to involve your employer or to let them know about it first.

rippledegg · 13/03/2021 19:43

YANBU OP, you did nothing wrong in my view

The housemistress was probably mad because she wanted to keep it on the down low. Had you told her first she would have convinced you not to tell anyone else

Some of you are reading too much into this though. The headmistress might have been frazzled and scared as well and may have failed to react in the supportive way one may have expected

Bagamoyo1 · 13/03/2021 19:47

Don’t blame yourself. Being assaulted affects your thinking.

I was raped when I was 16. I was walking to the coach station to get a coach to London to visit my boyfriend. I had a Saturday evening job, so I used to get up early on Sunday morning and walk through town at about 6am to get the coach. It was summer so broad daylight, but not many people about. A man grabbed me and raped me in a shop doorway.

When he let me go I just ran to the coach station (it was nearer than home). I just wanted to get away. I got to the coach station and 2 woman saw me crying, and they talked to me, and were really nice to me. They were going to London too, so I just stuck with them.

I told my Mum about it the following day when I was back home, and she took me to the police station to report it. The police were nice, but the police surgeon was utterly vile, gave me a big telling off for not reporting it, and destroying the evidence by showering.

The rapist was never caught, and I do regret not calling 999 straight away. He’d probably have been caught and gone to prison. But when something like that happens you just don’t think straight.

whateverhappenstomorrow · 13/03/2021 19:50

I can see both sides. The House Mistress should have been more sympathetic to you being a victim and distressed.

She probably saw this also as a safeguarding issue for all the girls at the school and that it is the duty of all members of staff to ensure the safety of the girls in their care. . As she was informed by your mother not you, she may have been concerned that you were never going to inform the school and that girls at the school would potentially be left at risk from a predatory male. She was right to press the point that there is safeguarding issue that means you have a duty to report this. She was wrong to go about it in a way that was unsympathetic to your experience.

SuburbanCrofter · 13/03/2021 19:53

It is not the job of a sexual assault survivor to prevent it from happening to other people. You did not ask for that to happen and you did not ask for that responsibility.

I hope your Mum was able to comfort you Flowers

LockdownIsDragging · 13/03/2021 19:55

I actually think your mum was the one in the wrong. She knew it needed reporting and who to tell but should’ve encouraged you to tell them. By going behind your back to your employer she was treating like a child rather than a young adult.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 13/03/2021 19:56

@Bagamoyo1 I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you. Flowers

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WhoisRebecca · 13/03/2021 19:57

Did it really matter who told them, as long as they were told?

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WhoisRebecca · 13/03/2021 20:01

The predatory male was following me - a young adult woman. There was no reason to believe he was looking to attack the children in the boarding house, which was locked and secure. I agree the staff needed to be told, which they were. If I didn’t handle it perfectly, I don’t think I needed to be told after the fact when I was already shaken and upset.

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oakleaffy · 13/03/2021 20:19

At my school we were targeted by a creepy “Tosser” who masturbated outside the playground.
I was abused as a 9 yr old and was coerced into silence....
It happened in the family home by a tradesman who stepmum and dad left me with, with instructions to be “
Nice to Mr Hull”

When I told them as an adult what happened,they were more concerned about who else I told😟

I still get flares of anger.

LunaHeather · 13/03/2021 20:23

They were horrendously wrong

Sadly this is a thing...I had a colleague who was angry when her teenaged daughter called, in working hours, to say she'd been flashed at walking home from school and should she call police.

Our work wasn't important or urgent and the child was calling due to an emergency.

The mum was so angry at her daughter for calling, told her to forget it...then told us expecting us to share her irritation.

I was so angry, I left the room. She got an earful from everyone and just kept muttering about it happened all the time in her day and "no one made a fuss".

whateverhappenstomorrow · 13/03/2021 20:25

Did it really matter who told them, as long as they were told?

Yes, because as member of staff you have a safeguarding responsibility to the children too. An assault/ attempted assault happened on the grounds of an institution for children. As a member of staff you have to be aware that you need to report that to your employer. Its a serious safeguarding issue. The House Mistress was right to make you aware of that, but handled it poorly by being so insensitive in the way she handled it.

Original poster
WhoisRebecca · 13/03/2021 20:28

It was reported to my employer within 5 minutes. Are you seriously saying that if I had been raped I should have run straight to the house mistress to inform her first? I had been assaulted. I was the victim. They were paying me 8K a year. They didn’t own me.

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