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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband cheating

57 replies

Ayla182 · 13/03/2021 11:52

I've been with husband since 2008. Married in 2014.
We have 2 lovely DCs. Husband is an amazing father to both. If he didn't cheat most would say he is amazing too me. He spends a lot of time with me, we get on amazing and he goes out of way to 'spoil' me... To the point that those who don't know what goes on all say how amazing he is and that they wish their husbands wereirte more like him.

The last time he cheated (I forgave the first and that was second) I decided to end things. Husband cried and begged forgiveness and eventually accepted and moved out. We stayed separate for 2 years and he would visit the children every day pick them up and take them out. Everytime he returned them he always asked for another chance and apologised said he loved me.

Foolishly I tried to forgive him in the hopes he may have changed. 2 days ago I found 'cheeky' messages between him and his secretary (she is around 20!!) She messaged that she hates working from home as she can't see him and he sent her a wink!?? Now I haven't said anything yet as he can worm his way out of this but I have my eyes on him and her and if it's anything more I really don't know what to do!

He says he loves me. He shows this yet he just can't help being sleezy

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 13/03/2021 11:56

Personally, I couldn’t cope with this, but you have your own limits/reasons for doing what you choose. What do you want to do?

Neversleepingever · 13/03/2021 11:57

Fool me once, shame on him.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

...fool me for a third time?

BigPaperBag · 13/03/2021 12:00

He needs to go OP and I think you know it. He doesn’t respect you or your family. Go and (if you want to) find someone else loads better.

Original poster

Ayla182 · 13/03/2021 12:00

I hate being taken for a fool and I know I am now the one putting myself in this position.

We are joint in so many ways - husband & wife. Through our children and even through our business. His late father and my father were both business partners. Since his fathers death he has taken over and is now working with my father. We are a tight community - I hate to think of the gossip that would spread.

I just see a very messy situation which I lived through once in the past. I should never have given him a second chance.

OP posts:

Thatwentbadly · 13/03/2021 12:01

Sounds like you’re never going to be able to trust him and you will always be looking over your shoulder or at this phone. Do you want to live like this? You don’t need to worry about him worming his way out of anything, you just need to think about what you want your future to be like and what kind of role model you want to be for your children about what is normal in relationships.

MondeoFan · 13/03/2021 12:01

How old is your DH if the secretary is only 20?

Warrickdaviesasplates · 13/03/2021 12:10

So he works with your father and is still flirting with colleagues? So someone your father also works with?

You live in a tight knit community and YOU are the one worrying about rumours, he isn't worried or he wouldn't be doing anything that could fuel rumours.

Surely you realise the reason he "spoils" you is to keep you sweet while he has affairs?

He's already been given another chance and he proved he shouldn't have been how many times do you want him to make a fool out of you OP?

RandomMess · 13/03/2021 12:15

He clearly views the marriage as a business arrangement IMHO it was in best interests to marry you wasn't it???

Can you speak to your Dad in confidence or he is he misogynistic and expect you to put up and shut up for the sake of the business?

LouHotel · 13/03/2021 12:15

So along with the cheating he's opened himself and your family to potential lawsuits of harassment in the workplace.

I know someone can look the other way but this isn't you OP so you need to make plans.

thethoughtfox · 13/03/2021 12:18

So sorry. But he can help himself. He makes an active choice to do this every time.

takethedeviledeggs · 13/03/2021 12:18

You've talked about how amazing he is and how he spoils you but actually what is good about him?
He doesn't sounds like a wonderful husband and father and he's showing zero respect for you and your family.
I'm sorry he's betraying you yet again.

DinosaurDiana · 13/03/2021 12:18

Im not sure what you want. He cheated twice and you took him back.
He’s on the way to cheating again, if he already isn’t, and you’re turning a blind eye to it.
I think you need to find some self respect and think about what your DC will learn from this.

ladymary86 · 13/03/2021 12:20

I couldn't put up with this OP.

I don't think he can worm his way out of anything based on what you've said.
For his secretary to say that and then for him to respond in any other way than to tell her that comment was inappropriate is not acceptable! Especially given his past form!
You need to have a very serious conversation with him about the implications of this for your relationship.

I'm sorry that it's such a messy situation with him being in business with your Dad. Please remember you only get one life - do you want to spend it being disrespected and unhappy?

PurpleMustang · 13/03/2021 12:22

I would suggest, if you haven't from the last separation, get your ducks in a row. So if he suddenly leaves or you choose to, everything is sorted in the background. Would he be the sorted to admit it if you confront him or do you need to bide your time and get proof

Eskarina1 · 13/03/2021 12:23

I think at this point you have to accept him for who he is - someone who's boundaries do not match yours. At this point you have to decide whether you can change your boundaries to accept his or if you need to leave. My step grandmother took this approach with my grandfather (after my grandmother emphatically did not) and by all accounts was very happy, but it wouldn't be for me. Worrying about him being unfaithful is no way to live.

PRsecrets · 13/03/2021 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jumpers268 · 13/03/2021 12:23

I'm so sorry you're going through this .

dontgobaconmyheart · 13/03/2021 12:23

Just because you gave him any number of chances doesn't mean you need to give him another OP. Sunk cost fallacy is never a helpful thing.

He isn't demonstrating he loves you, he is demonstrating the opposite. People who love someone don't cheat- to do so inflicts a huge amount of hurt, shame, embarrassment etc on the person you 'love' entirely through choice for a cheap thrill elsewhere. He also has endangered your physical health if he has been cheating and sleeps with you.

How pleasant he appears on the surface doing easy gestures to make himself look sorry, or how good of a father he is, have nothing to do with how he measures up as a husband, which he doesn't, he is awful. Anyone would deserve better, I'm sorry.

I'd stop propping up his life so he can take advantage of you and your family, have your dad get rid of him and try to move on. He won't change and its him that's embarrassing himself, not you.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2021 12:27

I really don't know what to do!

You have only 2 choices

end your marriage and get your self respect back
stay married with the understanding he will continue to cheat There are no other outcomes

billy1966 · 13/03/2021 12:28

You need to speak to your father and get rid of him if you don't want to sacrifice your life for this awful man.

He has cheated on his family repeatedly.

He is NOT a good father.

You deserve better.

StopSearching · 13/03/2021 12:36

When you 'forgive' him and take him back you are saying to him, it's ok that you lied to me, it's ok that you don't love me, it's ok that you don't respect me.

This is why he repeats the behaviour. You've told him it's ok. If you stay with him you will continue to tell him it's ok and he will keep doing it.

LouiseTrees · 13/03/2021 12:58

Shame him. People need to know why you are kicking him out and not some still idilic picture he presents to the outside world

Taikoo · 13/03/2021 13:05

He'll never stop cheating, so either put up with it or kick him out.

NormanStangerson · 13/03/2021 13:07

@Ayla182 it wasn’t you who started a thread a while ago about her husband (with whom she worked in a family business) being sleazy and too familiar with clients, was it?

KenAdams · 13/03/2021 13:10

Wow he's got a brass neck conducting an affair under your dad's nose. He's so nice to you so he can keep you sweet. As someone above said, you either leave or put up with him cheating. He won't stop.

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