Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband cheating

57 replies

Ayla182 · 13/03/2021 11:52

I've been with husband since 2008. Married in 2014.
We have 2 lovely DCs. Husband is an amazing father to both. If he didn't cheat most would say he is amazing too me. He spends a lot of time with me, we get on amazing and he goes out of way to 'spoil' me... To the point that those who don't know what goes on all say how amazing he is and that they wish their husbands wereirte more like him.

The last time he cheated (I forgave the first and that was second) I decided to end things. Husband cried and begged forgiveness and eventually accepted and moved out. We stayed separate for 2 years and he would visit the children every day pick them up and take them out. Everytime he returned them he always asked for another chance and apologised said he loved me.

Foolishly I tried to forgive him in the hopes he may have changed. 2 days ago I found 'cheeky' messages between him and his secretary (she is around 20!!) She messaged that she hates working from home as she can't see him and he sent her a wink!?? Now I haven't said anything yet as he can worm his way out of this but I have my eyes on him and her and if it's anything more I really don't know what to do!

He says he loves me. He shows this yet he just can't help being sleezy

OP posts:
Lollypop4 · 13/03/2021 13:28

I'd shame him and her..., she knows he's married , as she works for your father ?
Does your father now?

What a prick he is, you and your children deserve so much better

GreatTeaMonkey · 13/03/2021 13:30

He can help himself. He chooses not to.

Kitdeluca1 · 13/03/2021 13:46

He’s just choosing to cheat at this stage OP he knows he’s hurting you and he just doesn’t give a fuck. I’d personally fuck him off he’ll never change, I’d sack the secretary as well if the business is part yours. She more than likely knows he’s got a wife and a family so she’s just as bad.

Spoil yourself instead, you don’t need him!

Doomsdayiscoming · 13/03/2021 14:01

@MondeoFan

How old is your DH if the secretary is only 20?
They got married 7 years ago.

I’d say he is late 30s, early 40s.

Outbutnotoutout · 13/03/2021 14:07

He cheated twice, You took him back

What does he have to worry about 🤷‍♀️

FlickeringHugs · 13/03/2021 14:30

We are a tight community - I hate to think of the gossip that would spread.

gossip about him, not you. you and your DC have done nothing wrong

Original poster
Ayla182 · 13/03/2021 14:48

To admit it I don't even blame the secretary. Its him.. he gives the women around him the comfort to speak to him like that.

The last time we split my mum made it very clear that my father shouldn't know that he cheated on me. He would never accept something like this. My mum knows, she is very traditional - a women should stick by her husband through thick and thin. She always tells us that we should only consider a divorce if there is violence in our relationship. For me there is no difference between physical and emotional abuse.

I spent a long time questioning why he cheated. Its because I am ugly. Maybe I am getting old. My weight could be a factor. I don't get dolled up like before. How different is this from physical abuse?

And when it comes to talking he is the perfect 'talker'
He says all the perfect thing at the perfect time. Everyone around us finds him wonderful and find me lucky.

I dont know why I am here writting. I am fed up and stuck. Thats what I feel.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 13/03/2021 15:49

So what he wants or has wanted up until now is to have his cake and eat it, literally! He liked to have his family under one roof, also so he can be with his children, but can't help himself and is obviously getting interest from a 20 yr old 🙄
You tried and let him return etc, unless you want to go on long term like this, and what will it teach your DC, then there is only way forward and that is to get rid of him.

LakieLady · 13/03/2021 15:57

@Taikoo

He'll never stop cheating, so either put up with it or kick him out.
I agree with this.

You gave him a second chance, OP, and he let you down. You gave him a third chance, and it sounds like he's prepared to let you down again, if he hasn't already done so.

You deserve better, and he doesn't deserve you.

crunchiebabe · 13/03/2021 16:01

Get rid op. You deserve better. He will do it again and again and your mental well-being will suffer. Cheaters are mostly charming and persuasive , because they are liars. He's not wonderful in any way , he has no respect for you and if you stay, you will lose yourself . Best of luck, it's the bravest thing to walk ... but you deserve to be respected.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/03/2021 16:01

The last time we split my mum made it very clear that my father shouldn't know that he cheated on me. He would never accept something like this. My mum knows, she is very traditional Crikey! You really are being held hostage here, aren't you?

You know you can't carry on like that. Wht should you?

But I can see how you have been pressured to take the responsibilty for any fallout. Is there anyone in your life you can talk to about this? You need some RL support Flowers

GabriellaMontez · 13/03/2021 16:03

Stop covering for him. He's a cheat. You're not responsible for this only he is.

Tell your Dad. Tell everyone. Why are you protecting him? He's cruel. He's breached your marriage contract. Leave him. Do you still sleep with him? Grim.

missbridgerton · 13/03/2021 16:10

You know deep down that he won't stop. You either accept that's who he is and live with it, or you walk away.

It's your place to know your boundaries.

I saw first hand what letting my Dad stay every time he cheated did to my Mum. I'd never tolerate it and it's a hard line for me.

Budsey · 13/03/2021 16:14

yes bless you ..the 20yr old is not to blame we were all 20 once and was probably given attention from an older man and duly flattered which validated our existence and we did not at any time take on the ramifications of the situation... BUT there are some savvy 20 yr olds who see this as a way of getting money- status etc ....However you will need to do something because this will eat you up inside ,he has no right to jeopardize your family/business (and in other post) a possible sexual/ harassment/case and trust me this just might happen and you will be expected to stand by your man ! so you have got to sort this out as soon as ...good luck ....

Whythesadface · 13/03/2021 16:37

I'd be cutting carrots in the kitchen tomorrow and when he walks in I'd say to him, as you look him dead in the eye and cut or bit the end off the thing.
Darling you do know if you miss behave your going to be in so much trouble. Smile sweetly and say after all you have so much to lose.

Ellie56 · 13/03/2021 16:41

Just because your mother's still living in the 1950's doesn't mean you have to.

This is the third time he has done the dirty on you. Stop putting up with this shit. It won't stop.

Dump him and let your dad and everyone else know know why. Let them all find out that he is not wonderful at all; he is just a cheating bastard and a prize knob. Angry

Whammyyammy · 13/03/2021 16:56

So, you've found out about him cheating 3 times, and now you suspect he's banging his secretary.
He's obviously a serial cheater, and probably cheated more times than yiu know about.
Hes taking the piss, and you're letting him.

Backtoschool101 · 13/03/2021 18:59

@Whythesadface really? Thats very childish and isnt going to fix anything. He will just know shes on to him amd cover his tracks. She has to either leave or accept it at this point! And talk to him. No bloody games

ThePearSquare · 13/03/2021 19:03

I mean, he’s absolutely not changed as why would he? You’ll always take him back, and even feel shamed into it by your own mother. Be rid of him and find peace in knowing he’s not making a mug of you anymore.

MsDogLady · 14/03/2021 05:02

Ayla, you have agency in your own life. You walked away once and you can do it again. Your H is a serial cheat and a very poor father and role model. He may spoil you, but behind that mask is deception and disloyalty.

Stop looking for inadequacies in yourself. This is all on him, and you are not responsible for his unethical choices. He is a selfish man who feels entitled to pursue illicit ego boosts/sex. He has thrown his 2nd and 3rd chances back in your face. He and his secretary are flirting at the very least. A truly remorseful man would never cross that line.

Your mother has done you a great disservice, Ayla. You don’t have to follow her advice or walk her path. People already know that your H is a player. He has made a mockery of all of you, and your father deserves to know.

Are you going to sabotage the rest of your life by staying with this faithless man who diminishes you? Is this the relationship model that you want your children to emulate?

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2021 10:35

@Ayla182

To admit it I don't even blame the secretary. Its him.. he gives the women around him the comfort to speak to him like that.

The last time we split my mum made it very clear that my father shouldn't know that he cheated on me. He would never accept something like this. My mum knows, she is very traditional - a women should stick by her husband through thick and thin. She always tells us that we should only consider a divorce if there is violence in our relationship. For me there is no difference between physical and emotional abuse.

I spent a long time questioning why he cheated. Its because I am ugly. Maybe I am getting old. My weight could be a factor. I don't get dolled up like before. How different is this from physical abuse?

And when it comes to talking he is the perfect 'talker'
He says all the perfect thing at the perfect time. Everyone around us finds him wonderful and find me lucky.

I dont know why I am here writting. I am fed up and stuck. Thats what I feel.

That's wrong on its own, that your mother thinks like that and passes that on to you, don't get me wrong I have been there, my low standards where men are concerned are very much so down to what my DM has suffered and let us suffer from my DF, I could of written that part you said, about only if violent 🤦‍♀️ I mean they've got half of the right idea that violence should not be tolerated, but what about everything else that can happen?! My DF has never been violent, but I think he could of been if pushed enough, and what about verbal/mental emotional abuse, does that not count 🙄🤦‍♀️

I think I already said it, that you will have to either stay and accept this is what H is like, or leave him.

Loopyloututu2 · 16/03/2021 10:39

yet he just can't help being sleezy

Yes he can - he just doesn’t want to. You’ve already shown him that your willing to accept him back despite his cheating so why would he stop? He just thinks he’ll work his way back again.
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there’s been more than flirting with the secretary either. Sorry OP.

Loopyloututu2 · 16/03/2021 10:46

I spent a long time questioning why he cheated. Its because I am ugly. Maybe I am getting old. My weight could be a factor. I don't get dolled up like before. How different is this from physical abuse?

You know this isn’t true OP. It wouldn’t matter if you looked like a supermodel. Men cheat because they can and because it gives them a “thrill”. It’s nothing to do with you or what you look like, men who are perfectly happy in their relationships cheat. Otherwise why would he have begged you to take him back for 2 years?
You dumped him for two years, so you know you have the strength and wherewithal to do it - you can do it again. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t give a crap what my parents thought - it’s really not their business and if they are not supportive of you dumping a cheating, lying spouse I would even consider going NC with them for a while.
Don’t blame yourself.

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 16/03/2021 10:57

He sounds like an absolute waste of space. A leopard never changes its spots OP. The only thing you can change about this situation is the way you react to it.
I think you know what you need to do.

Notimeforaname · 16/03/2021 11:09

He's only nice to you because he knows you let him away with cheating and being a scumbag. He knows its wrong.....but you allow it.
So why wouldn't he.

Please stop saying hes a good father. He is not.

Also,your mother is harming you and enabling him..by telling you to stay quiet. Tell everyone.