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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask anyone who has been to a funeral during the pandemic...

68 replies

Chocwocdoodah · 12/03/2021 09:22

...are the staff at the crematorium/church etc strict about social distancing?
I've got to go to a funeral soon and there are members of the family going who I know have not followed the restrictions at all, will expect to hug everyone and are planning a bit get together at one of their houses afterwards. It's going to be really awkward to insist they keep their distance and I know I'm going to be accused of being some kind of heartless witch by some of them but I was hoping if the 'venue' is quite strict about enforcing distancing, and actively reminds attendees to adhere to SD, it might discourage people from getting too close/hugging.

I mean the whole situation is awful and inhumane - of course people want to hug and be close at a funeral, I understand that. But I don't want to take any risks, particularly with people I know haven't been especially careful throughout.

Just wondered what other people's experiences have been?

OP posts:
FoxyTheFox · 12/03/2021 09:31

In my experience, they did not enforce it beyond there being signs up and the chairs in the Chapel being 2m apart. I suppose no funeral service wants the bad press of being the company that told Mrs Smith off for giving her sister a hug at their dad's funeral.

Mapletreelane · 12/03/2021 09:33

At the crematorium the chairs were set out individually but they let us move them into households and bubbles.

But we kept it to only immediately family so only 9 of us.

I don't think it is up to the venue to police though.

RampantIvy · 12/03/2021 09:34

are the staff at the crematorium/church etc strict about social distancing?

Yes, very. SIL's husband died last year, and we all sat apart in church. The crematorium had chairs 2 metres apart, and we had to watch the crematorium bit on a screen as the first room wasn't big enough to accommodate us in the same room while socially distancing.

The church had hand gel at the entrance, and so did the crematorium.

bridgetreilly · 12/03/2021 09:35

I was in church and we had allocated seats. However, outside afterwards there were some illegal hugs about which I have absolutely no regrets.

GertrudeKerfuffle · 12/03/2021 09:42

I attended one at a crematorium. Before we went in, everyone was waiting outside as usual, with masks on. I had to swerve one relative who wanted a hug (bloody heartbreaking) but no one was told off. We were escorted in by the funeral director to sit in our own bubbles, and everyone stuck to that. We did ensure, in organising the funeral, that no one would be attending alone, so that everyone had support within their own bubble. Afterwards we were allowed to mill about outside - look at the flowers, have a chat, with masks on. I didn't feel that anybody was watching us, and we all stayed sensible. Tbh after sticking to the rules for almost a year, I felt like it was at least something to be there in the flesh with people I haven't had physical contact with for so long. We didn't hold any kind of wake - we plan to have a family get-together in the future when things are much more relaxed and we can hug, and cry together, and share photos and so on.

DavidsSchitt · 12/03/2021 09:42

They wouldn't let the chairs be moved, it was a bit extreme for my liking

QueenOfPain · 12/03/2021 09:42

I went to a funeral a few weeks ago, people wore mask and the chairs were spread out, but the staff didn’t intervene in any other way. There was no need for them to intervene in doors, but when we moved outside afterwards there was lots of hugging etc and nobody said a word.

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 12/03/2021 09:49

Oh, it's just awful. I can't believe I'm actually asking advice on how I can avoid hugging people at such an upsetting event... Sad

To be honest though, the people who I think will have no consideration for SD at all and haven't all along, will have closer family members there than me so I'm hoping it won't be the end of the world if I don't hug them.

OP posts:
Zenithbear · 12/03/2021 09:51

Been to 2.
Both were strictly family only.
Masks worn but at both you could sit and stand with whoever you liked with no social distancing. There weren't many of us but a few different households.
When family are saying goodbye to someone forever it's very cruel to interfere too much.

exhausteddog · 12/03/2021 09:53

We will have to go to family funeral next month.
DH family are generally very tactile and a lot have been visiting each other all year so I imagine there will be lots of hugging.
I think it would be unbearable for someone to grieve the loss of their relative without any human contact Sad
I did read at the beginning of the pandemic a news report where crematorium staff admonished an adult son for moving his chair to be next to his grieving parent.

garlictwist · 12/03/2021 09:55

I went to one in June last year. Only 10 people were allowed and it was all outside. Luckily it was a lovely day.

Blurp · 12/03/2021 09:55

I was at one; we had to "pre-book" and say how many people were coming from each household etc. The church had groups of chairs spaced out so household groups could sit together; on entering, an usher directed us to seats. We had to use hand gel and wear masks. There was a contact tracing slip to fill out with your name and address details.

I don't think they would have stopped anyone hugging (I think the ushers were volunteers from the church, so I don't imagine they'd want to get involved too much in stopping people!) and obviously once we were outside they couldn't do much. I imagine a council-run facility would be stricter.

We also had to leave the church in household groups, and keep a good space between groups.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/03/2021 09:55

Guidelines will be followed inside, outside no. The one funeral I have been to there was definitely some hugging outside, which I think is totally natural and to be expected.

Mintjulia · 12/03/2021 09:57

The seating in the crematorium had been reorganised, when we went (tier 2, late December) so there were spaced out groups of two and four chairs. There were only 30 seats in total.

ArosAdraDrosDolig · 12/03/2021 09:58

Not at all ime, don’t even recall seeing any staff at the crematorium and the funeral director himself wasn’t social distancing or wearing a mask.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 12/03/2021 09:58

The chairs will be socially distanced, but funeral staff won’t be telling anyone off for hugging, especially outside... so I’m afraid you’ll have to enforce your own boundaries.

ArosAdraDrosDolig · 12/03/2021 09:59

Only one person hugged me and short of pushing her off there was nothing I could do about it.

Mask wearing indoors wasn’t enforced. Seating was spaced out and numbers limited to 15 but that’s it.

Tickly · 12/03/2021 10:03

They may have an option to attend online if you are not comfortable and don't feel you can ask your family to keep their distance.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 12/03/2021 10:05

Yes, inside. But there’s not a lot they can do about outside other than a reminder of the rules.

peak2021 · 12/03/2021 10:08

One of my mum's dearest friends died recently, and as it was streamed online mum chose not to go. Two other of the deceased's friends likewise could or chose not to go, and the priest welcomed them by name at the beginning of the service, which my mum was touched by.

OP is the funeral being streamed and is this something you would consider?

JustLyra · 12/03/2021 10:09

I've been to two. One was very, very strict and the other wasn't so much.

The first asked everyone to stay in their cars and then took people to their allocated seats one group at a time. They were very strict on masks and at the end they took everyone out one group at a time as well. It was horrid.

The second one was very strict indoors - sitting in household bubbles and masks on - but they weren't involved outside.

TwirlyWitch · 12/03/2021 10:11

I went to a crematorium funeral, we had to wear masks throughout, there were social distancing signs and hand sanitiser but we all did sit next to each other and sat down hugs/handholding were given throughout the service and again afterwards. I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

Aimee1987 · 12/03/2021 10:13

I went to one in the very early days of the first lockdown. Church was closed so it was just a priest at the graveside and the funeral director. 10 close family of the deceased attended and while we did adhere to some level of social distancing there were some hugs but the priest / funeral director said nothing. The priest did comment at the end how sorry he was that he couldn't shake everyones hand. This took place days into the first lockdown so everyone was adjusting to the new social distancing guidelines.
I'm sorry for your loss

Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 12/03/2021 10:14

I don't know if it's being streamed - I'm not involved in the organisation of the day. I would rather be there in person - I'm just dreading having to potentially ask people not to hug me.
I'll be the only person from my household but I think everyone else going will have someone from their own household to hug so my declining physical contact shouldn't mean anyone will be left uncomforted, iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocwocdoodah · 12/03/2021 10:15

Thank you all for your kind words, by the way. Smile

OP posts:
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