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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask anyone who has been to a funeral during the pandemic...

68 replies

Chocwocdoodah · 12/03/2021 09:22

...are the staff at the crematorium/church etc strict about social distancing?
I've got to go to a funeral soon and there are members of the family going who I know have not followed the restrictions at all, will expect to hug everyone and are planning a bit get together at one of their houses afterwards. It's going to be really awkward to insist they keep their distance and I know I'm going to be accused of being some kind of heartless witch by some of them but I was hoping if the 'venue' is quite strict about enforcing distancing, and actively reminds attendees to adhere to SD, it might discourage people from getting too close/hugging.

I mean the whole situation is awful and inhumane - of course people want to hug and be close at a funeral, I understand that. But I don't want to take any risks, particularly with people I know haven't been especially careful throughout.

Just wondered what other people's experiences have been?

OP posts:

notacooldad · 12/03/2021 10:15

I went to a funeral about 3 weeks ago. I think it's 30 people can attend, I'm not sure. It didn't matter because there was only 5 of us there.

Dreamingofvenice · 12/03/2021 10:19

I have been to 2. Both at crematoriums the council owning crem was very strict barriers everywhere and personally felt quite 'cold'.
The private crem one had chair distanced, requested masks hand gel on entry all the usual as expected. It was only 5 of us there and we were not a bubble and we held hands and hugged and nobody stopped us.

Original poster

Chocwocdoodah · 12/03/2021 10:24

Lots of you saying you had contact during funerals you've attended. I'm sorry for anyone who's lost someone and particularly those who've had to go to a 'covid' funeral.

Do I sound awful for not wanting to hug anyone??

OP posts:

Rillington · 12/03/2021 10:27

The ones at the funeral I went to were very strict. Chairs were 2 metres apart. You couldn't move them. Even family who live together were made to sit separately.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 12/03/2021 10:28

Not at all choc. Especially if you know they generally don’t stick to the rules.

ColourMeGreen · 12/03/2021 10:35

I went to a funeral last year, there were 15 of us who went inside (from 6 different households) and a few friends who stayed outside and watched a live stream on their phones. We wore masks throughout the service but all sat together in close proximity. We were then guided through a side door into a garden area where we were encouraged to 'be close with our family'. This did indeed mean lots of hugging and no real distancing.

The real shocker though, was that as we left, the next funeral was coming in, and there were easily 200 people in the car park. The room we were in wouldn't have held that many on a normal day so I've no idea what the plan was, certainly no one appeared to be being very strict about anything beyond the masks though.

Aimee1987 · 12/03/2021 10:36

If you dont want to hug anyone you are perfectly within your rights to say I'm not comfortable with close contact as I have not had the vaccine or any variation of that and I would expect most people to respect that.

Doingitaloneandproud · 12/03/2021 10:39

I've been to one last year, the chairs were socially distanced but they moved them close to each other for the seperate families which was good. We had to keep our social distancing outside which we did, I don't think anyone should be offended by you asking them to socially distance or feel uncomforted, I am sorry for your loss

GertrudeKerfuffle · 12/03/2021 10:39

@Chocwocdoodah

Lots of you saying you had contact during funerals you've attended. I'm sorry for anyone who's lost someone and particularly those who've had to go to a 'covid' funeral.

Do I sound awful for not wanting to hug anyone??

No, please don't feel that way! I didn't want to hug anyone as I live with someone who is vulnerable, and the person I 'swerved' isn't bearing a grudge as far as I know. I dealt with it by kind of turning to the side and putting my arm around her shoulders briefly, so we had a little contact without full on snotty crying hugging. I can't believe I'm writing this!

ColourMeGreen · 12/03/2021 10:40

I should add that those who waited outside weren't asked to, but chose to, they were invited inside by the funeral director. I'm not sure of their reasons for refusing, it could have been a covid factor, or possibly that everyone else in attendance were family.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/03/2021 10:44

You dont sound awful for not wanting to hug anyone, but you may feel differently when, you are there, you are emotional and those around you are emotional. Hugging someone who is upset is a perfectly natural reaction, and for many people it is an automatic reaction. I know not long ago whilst in work one of the younger girls received some bad news and I gave her a hug without even thinking about it. Of course afterwards I thought oh I shouldn't of done that, but at the time natural instincts just kicked in iyswim

Lovelydovey · 12/03/2021 10:46

We were all very well behaved so difficult to say.

The funeral directors were aware we were gathering outside about 10 mins early - albeit distanced and in masks - and that we did again for about 10 mins after. They did not stop this, but there was no hugging.

All seats were set out 2m apart but they were flexible about rearrangement into household groups - I sat with my DH, DC and DB who is part of our bubble (DB and I had travelled together in the funeral car so obvious that we were a household). Others rearranged into pairs of seats.

SnooperTrooper12345 · 12/03/2021 11:02

I went to one last week and no, they werent strict at all.
They asked us to sit 1 chair apart if we weren't from the same household.
Apart from that, they allowed people to hug ect. We just had to wear masks.

SapphosRock · 12/03/2021 12:21

No. In fact the funeral director said he'd not been at a single funeral where everyone was social distancing. People need to hug at times like this.

This was my mother's funeral in December.

Crunchymum · 12/03/2021 12:26

No. But there were only 9 of us at my mums (we were allowed 15 but it was easier to keep it to absolute immediate family) we were allowed to comfort each other. We all sat on same side of crematorium with no social distancing and mask wearing wasn't enforced.

We also travelled in mixed households in the cars (me and siblings together = 5 different households!)

This was late October 2020 so not in lockdown per se.

Thehawki · 12/03/2021 12:31

Grandad died summer last year, I had to sit apart from my mum which was very sad. I think it really depends on the funeral place. I’m sorry you’re in this situation it’s a horrible thing. We hugged afterwards if that helps, staff didn’t stop us.

LongTimeMammaBear · 12/03/2021 15:12

My aunt died from covid. Her funeral was a full Catholic mass. Try were very strict in numbers and how those attending in person would sit, wear masks etc

Readings were done my one nun. We chose everything though so was very personal

Due to control in number, many of us “attended” on line, which was done brilliantly.

I do think also because it was a covid death, in person attendees were more open to following restrictions.

LilMidge01 · 12/03/2021 16:02

The church I went to was very strict. Hand gel at start and then directed to an allocated seat, all 2metres from each other...leave in single file from the rows as if in school

My DP went to his dad's funeral and said he wasn't allowed to hug his mum at the graveside

LilMidge01 · 12/03/2021 16:04

Having said that, I should also point out I agree that with DP's dad, it was a Covid death too, so he probably wouldnt have hugged his mum anyway even if allowed as he was too terrified of passing anything on

Welikebeingcosy · 12/03/2021 16:07

I accidentally went to two thinking restrictions had been lifted and they were public gatherings that I was desperate to join.
The first was out in public everyone was socially distanced and I did see hugging and the second was in a church where the rules of the church were followed and everyone sat seperately. I guess it depends on the venue and who is overseeing it.

Moomoolandmoomooland · 12/03/2021 16:07

I moved the chairs when we went so that I could sit next to my children who I share a house with. No one batted an eyelid.

GingerFoxInAT0phat · 12/03/2021 16:09

I went to my aunties last year, the seats were set apart from one another but everyone loved them together once inside.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/03/2021 17:16

We just stood to side. A couple of other family members were adhering to rules the same and so we were to one side whilst others hugged etc. I did feel a bit awkward. Part of family we don’t usually see didn’t social distance/mask wear/were vocally we don’t believe in that. I was polite and offered condolences but stood back. Church was properly distanced and we picked our spot at graveside - stood back. I also spent time looking at flowers which were off to one side - whilst most were mingling.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/03/2021 17:21

It isn't up to the staff to police. Seating will be separated.
You will spend time hanging around before and after.
Who cares what they think, we didn't hug anyone even each other at DM's it was very strange.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/03/2021 17:23

Are many allowed in?
There was strictly 10 at DM's no partners as 5 siblings.

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