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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be disappointed in friends

96 replies

zebraprint1 · 11/03/2021 16:06

I lost my job last year due to Covid. I did take on a temporary job and that ended.

I finally got an interview this week. I told my friends about it and how I was nervous as it was my first over Zoom. They said they were happy for me and they hope it goes well, good luck.

Anyway, I had the interview on Monday, and apart from one, none of my friends have reached out in any way to ask how it went, yet I see they are active on Social Media so don't really have an excuse as to why not. I don't want to reach out to them as I feel they should be the ones asking.

I know I wouldn't forget if it was one of them who had an interview and would have messaged to ask how it went, even just from a polite pov.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

whatwherewhywhenhow · 12/03/2021 00:41

World. No apostrophe needed!

Bythemillpond · 12/03/2021 00:46

I wouldn’t ask because it might have gone badly. It would be up to you to bring it up. If you don’t bring it up then I would presume it went badly

XelaM · 12/03/2021 00:48

How did it go?????

kittycorner · 12/03/2021 16:17

Honestly @zebraprint1 people have so many things going on in their own lives right now I think it's hard to remember all these things. Also sometimes it's hard to ask when you are worried it went badly or they didn't get it.

In the last year I can't tell you how many hard things we've had to cope with as a family and as a team at work. Don't play games, just let them know. If they are your friends they will appreciate the update.

Original poster

zebraprint1 · 12/03/2021 19:22

Wow such a lot of responses! Thank you.

I have managed to speak to a couple of them since, when I bought it up they would be like 'Oh yeah and how did it go??' Maybe they are a bit busy, but unfortunately I always have high expectations and always expect the same treatment from others as I would do for them, kind of thing.

Its a bit of a problem for sure, I think I always feel I want those really close friendships as i'm single at the moment, and so I feel lonely and I guess I use my friends to fill the void from being single. Such as I feel down when they aren't in touch as much as i'd like.

OP posts:

MitheringSunday · 12/03/2021 19:38

I was hoping that tedious Four Tops flowchart wouldn't make an appearance. 'Reach out' isn't an expression I like or use, but it's found its way into quite common use and I'm not a fan of shaming people for use of innocuous language.

I also think some people are being a bit contrary for th sake of it on here. I think if we'd told frinds we were having an interview, most of us would be at least a little put out not to get a 'how did it go?'

YouShouldLeave · 12/03/2021 20:50

YANBU at all.

YouokHun · 13/03/2021 00:08

Never mind MitheringSunday I’m sure you can override the flowchart with your own tediousness.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 13/03/2021 00:11

@luxxlisbon

To be honest I probably wouldn't go out of my way to ask a friend how something like a job interview went. If they didn't bring it up I would assume they didn't want to talk about it.

Why do think it is more their place to start a conversation with you than yours?

Same.

MitheringSunday · 13/03/2021 09:54

@YouokHun

Never mind MitheringSunday I’m sure you can override the flowchart with your own tediousness.

How delightfully, gratuitously rude!

honkytonkheroe · 13/03/2021 10:00

I had a couple of job interviews recently. I told my friends. At some point after, it came up again when catching up and they replied something like "oh yes, how did it go?" and I told them. I didn't expect separate texts after the event from them asking.

Thatnameistaken · 13/03/2021 10:00

If my friends got a cob on every time I forgot to ask them about something I'd have none!

Don't worry, its not that you're not important to them, its just that other things in their lives are more important, or they simply forget stuff like I do.

Fairyliz · 13/03/2021 10:09

@Thatnameistaken

If my friends got a cob on every time I forgot to ask them about something I'd have none!

Don't worry, its not that you're not important to them, its just that other things in their lives are more important, or they simply forget stuff like I do.

@Thatnameistaken ‘Got a cob on’ love that expression haven’t heard it for years. Need to use it

cansu · 13/03/2021 10:18

I would guess they forgot. I have recently decided to stop expecting much from others as they often don't have the time, inclination or maybe the capacity to really care. It is not necessarily their fault. Everyone has their own problems and they often don't want to be involved in other people's problems. Try not to dwell on it too much.

LettuceAveIt · 13/03/2021 10:25

Having been unemployed before and remembering in my case the delicate mental balancing act it can take to stay in the right ‘zone’ for multiple interviews, I wouldn’t ask someone how an interview went unless they brought it up – if they didn’t mention it themselves I’d assume they didn’t particularly want to hash over it. Even if it went well, they might be quietly steeling themselves for further rounds of interviews.

Your friends are probably just being thoughtful in not asking you questions unless you bring it up.

MaudebeGonne · 13/03/2021 10:26

I'm sorry you feel let down. I know I am not a great friend at the moment - I feel overwhelmed with my work and worries about my family and just the general fed upness of pandemic life. I just don't have the bandwidth for things that aren't directly impacting me. I know that one of my very good friends has been going through a series of interviews (she has had over 10 since Christmas) and I have not supported her like I normally would have. I hope she will understand and forgive me. I hope your job interview went well. I hope you get back on track with your pals soon.

sixthtimelucky · 13/03/2021 10:30

The thing is that everyone has their own stuff going on and people forget. I love and care about my friends but I forget to ask after things all the time and vice versa. I think you should cut them a break. Sorry things have been hard for you.

HikeForward · 13/03/2021 10:34

They probably don’t want to raise it in case you didn’t get it, and are waiting for your news.

WhereamI88 · 13/03/2021 10:35

If I knew a friend had an interview and didn't then bring it up to let me know how it went, I would assume it went badly and they didn't want to talk about it.

YouokHun · 13/03/2021 14:01

*Never mind MitheringSunday I’m sure you can override the flowchart with your own tediousness.

How delightfully, gratuitously rude*

Yes, sorry @MitheringSunday, bad day for me yesterday.

@zebraprint1 I haven’t read the whole thread and I’m sure this has been said but I think the last year has been a strange time and communication, interaction, understanding has been compromised. Over the last year my DF who has cancer has been slowly declining and is now in the last weeks of life, it’s been incredibly hard during Covid in many practical and psychological ways but one of the hardest things has been the absolute radio silence of his friends and mine despite knowing the situation (my friends know him and he and they all live locally). I’ve been very upset about it at times, especially more recently when he’s been very sick. It’s actually really hard to Zoom call a friend just to get things off my chest as I would have done face to face and it seems that it’s really hard to pick up the phone or Zoom call to ask how he is or how I am coping with caring for him. I think it’s a case of out of sight out of mind or not wanting to ask direct questions in a way that isn’t required if we were just mixing as normal.

I think that whatever is happening to us at the moment we have to understand that the rules of engagement are different and try not to take it personally. We can’t apply our own rules to others. You know you’d contact a friend to ask how the interview went, but it doesn’t mean others have to do and be the same and nor does it mean they aren’t good friends either. As others have said, we are all distracted one way or another and to varying degrees by the current situation so we’ve got to make allowances. It’s another negative aspect of the current situation but one that we have to set aside and not let it influence our friendships once we can get back to normal.

BTW the lovely Mumsnet community has been a fantastic help to me over the last year. A real lifeline.

MitheringSunday · 13/03/2021 14:22

Apology accepted, Youok. I'm sorry to hear about your df

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