Would you tell your kids they’re no good at something?

[Opal93]

I have always resented that my parents were very discouraging and told me I was “crap” at everything. As a result I have achieved very little as I lack confidence in every single area and was always scared to try new things. I always wanted to be different with my own kids, but I have met more and more people whose parents have pushed their kids into being deluded about how talented they are. I have a friend who’s mum pushed singing and made her believe she is a wonderful singer and she’s just not. And she got very depressed for a while when she was auditioning for things and being told she wasn’t good enough. I guess it’s all about finding a balance. How would you tell your dc they aren’t good at something, without hurting them?

I think there's a difference between telling your kid they're crap at everything and telling them they're not very good at something.
We can't all be good at everything, but not being naturally skilled at something doesn't mean you can't succeed, you just have to try a bit harder.
I think its important to recognise our own strengths and weaknesses. And recognise that being good at something doesn't make you better than everyone else.

I praise effort.
DS has dyspraxia so a lot of things don't come naturally to him, but his effort and patience are valuable attributes and I let him know that I'm proud of him. I rarely focus on outcome although there might be something specific worth mentioning.

Why can't you just be honest with your child? Tell them how great they are are at the things they are good at and laugh with them about the things they aren't good at while making sure they know it doesn't matter. But don't pretend they're amazing at things they aren't.

I think you have to focus on effort and enjoyment and shy away from the idea of innate talent.

I suppose if the child enjoys whatever activity they aren't very good at I wouldn't say anything. If they were getting down about something they enjoy but couldn't do, I'd just frame it as "well, you've given it a go and perhaps it's not for you. Maybe set this aside and try something else that interests you". It's good to reinforce to kids that they shouldn't be afraid of trying something new, shouldn't be down if they happen not to be great at something and recognise that letting something go and moving on is quite a good skill to learn for real life. I could be talking total rubbish though!

It depends on what their motivation is for doing something and how competitive the setting is. I'd always encourage enjoyment of whatever they're involved with but make it clear that to improve at something you need to work hard at it and see if they want to put in the extra effort. If they weren't 'naturally' good at something I'd help them figure out ways to improve if they wanted to. Nobody is innately excellent or atrocious at something, it can be to do with opportunity, mind-set etc.

Yes to praising effort and enjoyment and the sense of satisfaction at achieving something that was challenging.

DD(7) loves art/crafts but isn’t particularly talented. I still encourage her in terms of her passion and interest. I don’t tell her her drawings are rubbish and absolutely never would even though they are a bit crap

I think you should step away from the entire notion of whether they are good or bad at something. Why does it matter? The question should be, do they enjoy it? Do they benefit from learning? Do they want to participate?

It’s not mandatory to be good at something to do it, and I think that’s important for kids to learn.

There's a bigger picture.

If you lie to your kids and tell them they are better at singing or amazing in a sport than they , they will be the ones suffering when people laugh at them because they are crap, or simply because they are faced with the reality.

You don't put your kids down for the sake of it, some people are naturally less talented than others and need to work a bit harder but you also don't want to raise arrogant and deluded little shits who will put off everyone with a bad attitude.

Huge difference between saying a kid is crap at everything and praising them so they think they're brilliant at something they're not.

I think though with the latter it's often the parent themselves who is delusional. I've had a couple of conversations in which I've kept my thoughts to myself but been very aware that the child is not as talented as the parent believes.

I wouldn't tell a child they were crap at anything. But there's ways of phrasing things. "Do it because you enjoy it," is something I've used for my dc. And they've always done a mixture of things, some because they are good, and some because they enjoy it-either the social side or the activity. Sometimes it can be fun to do something and not have the pressure of being the star player.

I things like singing etc can be difficult to sort out. If they have lessons, then the teacher is going to (on the whole) tell them that they're good and doing well-they want their money! If the teacher starts saying that they aren't top dog then the parent may not be interested.
But that can also mean as a parent it can be hard to separate between "I want their money" and "I'm not going to discourage them" and "actually they do have something special."

I try and be realistic with the children. I'll say I'm proud, I love listening to them, they're doing well, they've worked really hard. I tend to avoid giving comparisons or commenting on ability.

"This is something you need to improve" is tactful comms with persons of any age, any relationship.

No, but I agree with PP about not being afraid to mention improvement. I think there's a balance between telling a child they're good at everything, whether they are or they aren't - and not giving them any positive praise at all about things they are good at.

I do it in a way that it's more about me, so, kid is crap at football. I lament our mutual sports crappiness and tell a story about how I once fell into the teachers lap during hokey or something. I make it into a bonding thing, we suck together.

I was always told I was rubbish or laughed at. Even when I was really really good at something and I won an award for it I got told "well you were better than I thought you would be."

I have absolutely no confidence as a result and it ruined my life - I never had the confidence to study post 16 or do anything with my life.

I tell my kids they are bloody marvellous. Every bit of effort they make is praised, when they are good at something I am the annoying parent who makes a huge deal.

I mean, I wouldn't let them go on the xfactor if they couldn't sing, but I praise them giving things a go, try to steer them towards their talents.

@Carolina24 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Brilliantly put!

I have a couple of teens. I have never ever had occasion to tell them that they’re not good at something.

I praise effort, and yes - I do praise achievement. The opposite of telling them they’re crap isn’t telling them they’re brilliant! Most parents just coast along in between.

There’s usually something to praise - like ballet, your child might know a step sequence perfectly. That’s great. That she trod like an elephant through it, is neither here nor there 😉

You don’t need to tell your child if they’re not amazing at something - they’ll know!

As Carolina said so well - just let them enjoy it!

@lljkk

"This is something you need to improve" is tactful comms with persons of any age, any relationship.

In the right context though. For a child who hears that Every Single Time, who knows their parent wants them to be The Best At Everything it’s the same as saying, “you weren’t good enough”. But enough about my childhood 😏

In general though - I do agree with you’

I don't agree with all this mollycoddling nonsense. We aren't all good at everything. Why can't we just be honest?

I was very good at hockey, crap at netball. Good at maths, not french.

Ds's are good at most things. Ds2 isn't good at art, and I just tell him that's ok.

If the tree e crap at singing I'll tell them in an age appropriate way, if they awesome at gymnastics, same.

I'm not going to set them up for a life of failure because I was too scared to tell them they were no good.

I'm struggling with this. DS(6) wants to be good at things, and states that he is good at them, but has no interest in working to actually be good at them. Since he is not innately talented at football, dancing etc, the only way he will become good is by persisting, but instead he just wants to be told he's amazing at it with no effort. He gets in a huff when I instead suggest how he can actually develop real skills.

And the things he is actually impressive at? He doesn't care, and doesn't value those skills at all!

I wouldn't go out my way to tell them they are not good at something. I recognise what they are good at and highlight it to them and help them work on the rest. My son for example is good at maths and drawing but his written work the less said the better. So I say "you always draw nice picture wow fantanstic" "you haven't spelled x y and z correctly. Remember full stops. Let's fix it and u can re-wrtie it" so dont say he isnt good but do tell him he its not right. With singing, if they weren't good I wouldn't tell them they were. I would maybe say something like "I love that you love singing. You are so confident its so nice to watch" but I wouldn't go around saying u are a brillant at singing like I would if they were. Point out the good. Guide with the not so good. Be gently honest imo.

There's a difference between honesty and cruelty.

If a child enjoys going to football club on a Saturday morning with their friends then it would be cruel to say "kid, you're crap at football so why are you wasting our time here each week?"

If a child is getting moody about the fact it's 'not fair' that they didn't make the school football team when they have the coordination of a drunk centipede then it's reasonable to say that they aren't talented enough to make the team, whilst still encouraging them to go to fun sessions if they enjoy it.

My issue with parents who won't accept their child has weaknesses as well as strengths is it creates a totally warped view of skills in the child, which has knock on effects in the classroom. If a child is used to being told everything is brilliant (so the teacher must have graded you wrong), they are an awesome singer (so it's favouritism when they don't get a solo in the play), they are a talented athlete (so it's bullying and exclusion for them not to represent the school at athletics) then the child can go 2 ways:

1. They develop a lot of arrogance and think they are better than all the other children. They become deaf to feedback and take constructive criticism badly.
2. They end up with low self esteem because they get to an age where they can see that they aren't talented in certain areas, but their parents are lying to them. This can make them think that they must be really rubbish because "mum/dad think I'm too stupid to notice them lying, so I must be really useless".

Taking the football example, I praise effort and improvements - my child is never going to be a pro footballer but I can truthfully say he’s much improved since he has done more practice. We talk about how very few people are amazing enough at football to do it as a job, but that loads of people play for fun and that’s what is important. I’ve never told him he’s rubbish at something, why would I? I don’t lie and tell him he’s fantastic and talented and going to play for Man United either mind you. I don’t think that’s what he wants to hear or particularly valuable praise anyway- he’d rather know I’m watching him, I can see he tried, I appreciate that he congratulated someone else for scoring and yes, I thought his super cool backwards kick where he missed the ball was hilarious too.

@bridgetreilly

Why can't you just be honest with your child? Tell them how great they are are at the things they are good at and laugh with them about the things they aren't good at while making sure they know it doesn't matter. But don't pretend they're amazing at things they aren't.

I think that's about right . My daughter is a fairly bad singer as am I and we get great fun out of how bad we are, yowling along to songs on the radio while everyone else covers their ears. I am also the mother who tells them when they are being boring or going on too much about something, if youre mother can't, who will? In my experience, the parents who are realistic with their children (and with a light touch) are likely to have the most confidence because they know what's bullshit and what isn't.

Encouraging children to be a professional at something they are actually crap at is just as harmful as telling them they are crap but really good at something else!

That wasn’t phrased right! I meant just as harmful as telling them they are crap at everything! Encourage them with the things they are good at, point out some things just aren’t their strong suit.