Would you tell your kids they’re no good at something?

[Opal93]

I have always resented that my parents were very discouraging and told me I was “crap” at everything. As a result I have achieved very little as I lack confidence in every single area and was always scared to try new things. I always wanted to be different with my own kids, but I have met more and more people whose parents have pushed their kids into being deluded about how talented they are. I have a friend who’s mum pushed singing and made her believe she is a wonderful singer and she’s just not. And she got very depressed for a while when she was auditioning for things and being told she wasn’t good enough. I guess it’s all about finding a balance. How would you tell your dc they aren’t good at something, without hurting them?

Yes, of course I would. Lying to children that they are good at something they aren't is no help to them.

I would encourage and provide the necessary tools for improvement if it’s something they wanted to do but weren’t very good at.

I think it's a trust issue too, I have always been pretty straight with my kids and they most definitely live in the real world in terms of their own capacities, weaknesses etc. And I think that helps when we come to grapple with the real world issues they face as they move into the teenage years, mine know that I will be there for them but will continue to he straight with them and I expect the same from them. Some of the families I know where its all false positivity and you're so wonderful and 'kind hands' are just no way equipped for the world outside the family bubble, it just feels very unreal. I think if I grew up hearing all that Id eventually turn around and say 'what, you mean I'm not amazing and awesome?' and then I think I'd wonder about their credibility and whether I had sort of been lied to all along

Agreed with the fine line between honesty and cruelty (I'm also stealing the drunk centipede line).

If they are good at something, you don't need to become a lunatic about it. Encourage and support.

If not? You don't have to be a knobasaurus rex about it but if you don't tell them, life will.

I focus on effort and say 'the more you practice the better/ easier it will get' or 'practice makes permanent'. Obviously there are some things that people just won't be able to get, but that's ok too. We can't be good at everything. Normal part of life.

Why would I actively tell them they were no good at something? Better to be supportive (not the same as pushy or lying) and let them discover for themselves. Also, it is possible to be wrong.

I think there's a balance. My sil feels her 9 year old lacks confidence and tells him constantly they he's the best singer, soccer player, artist in the group. As a result he simply can't cope when he doesn't win every time . It's definitely been unhealthy for him,

"no good" and "crap" are not words that a parent should use in my opinion but in some circumstances I think it's appropriate to tell a child that x skill is not one of their strengths BUT y skill is. I think it's good to encourage a healthy way of viewing one's own strengths and weaknesses. Having a weakness in a particular area is not a moral failing or a reflection on a child's worth, but dancing around the topic and never acknowledging weaknesses seems likely to encourage those harmful ideas.

@Carolina24

I think you should step away from the entire notion of whether they are good or bad at something. Why does it matter? The question should be, do they enjoy it? Do they benefit from learning? Do they want to participate?

It’s not mandatory to be good at something to do it, and I think that’s important for kids to learn.

Exactly.

I praise everything and then suggest alternatives. For e.g. one of my sons is utterly crap at sport. He still plays football but rarely makes the team on the field. I praise him whenever he makes the team. On the other hand, he is brilliant at music (something I have never learned) and plays several instruments. He gets enough validation from that as has won several competitions and such. Another thing for example is that at school he is pretty crap at languages (was my forte) but brilliant at other subjects. It's about them finding their thing. I tried different dance forms, different sports, different musical instruments. Music is his thing.

@bridgetreilly

Why can't you just be honest with your child? Tell them how great they are are at the things they are good at and laugh with them about the things they aren't good at while making sure they know it doesn't matter. But don't pretend they're amazing at things they aren't.

This is what I do. DD knows she's crap at art, but great at other things. We have a laugh about it now, especially if she has schoolwork which involves drawing.

This approach has helped her not to take herself too seriously as well.

We focus on effort not output. We are also pretty private so no posting on sm - so it wouldn't matter if they weren't talented early on and when older they more accurately assess themselves.

We have seen some really good achievements from our children but we just are not a family of show offs, we asked for them not to be in school bulletins etc. We are very clear how proud we are privately and they are very confident in their abilities and have done well.

I think encouraging showy behaviour is a bad idea whether talented or not because it makes people needy of validation rather than focusing on what they like themselves.

Oh, and we could talk to our children about things they weren't good at too, because none of it was too pressured.

We have always been honest with our DC, they’re not good at some stuff but have talents elsewhere.

For example DD1 can’t sing, neither can I but, that doesn’t stop us singing our hearts out and having a laugh about how rubbish we are. She is an absolutely amazing artist and so we tell her the truth.

I personally think it’s all about balancing out the way you tell them they’re not good at something but equally praising when they are.

I've made mistakes in how I have spoken to ds. Spanish is always his lowest result. I have said, but how could you get a C in Spanish, it's easy! I pick up languages easily, but have had to understand that some people don't. Like maths? or Physics? Two subjects he's good at. I've had to step back and realise that he's never going to be a linguist. History and music are his top grades but doesn't want to study history at A level. Wants to study Economics.

I’d never tell them they’re not any good. I just say they need more practice.

I would never tell them they are very good at something when they’re not. Therefore when I do praise they know it’s genuine. Kids do know when you’re not being truthful about their attainments. But I would never say they’re crap either, there are better and more encouraging words to use.

I think you should step away from the entire notion of whether they are good or bad at something. Why does it matter? The question should be, do they enjoy it? Do they benefit from learning? Do they want to participate?

I agree.

I was a ballet mum since my daughter was 4. She was non verbal and I wanted a way she could find expression.
She loved it. By the age of 16 she was taking 12 lessons a week, and although moved up all the grades right to advenced it was always clear that she was never going to be a professional dancer.
That mattered not one jot. She loved it. She loved the performance, the challenge, the teamwork, the discipline.
Speech is no longer a problem for her.
She learned how to work hard through dance and applied that to her school work. She learned how to discipline herself and applied that to her studies.
She learned how to get along with others and work as a team- she applied that to other areas of her life.
Performance gave her confidence- that shy little 4 year old who could not talk found herself voted head girl by staff and pupils in her last year at high school. She also became dance captain that same year and gained her first qualifications as a dance teacher. Not because she was a great dancer but because of who she was.
She qualifies as a paediatric nurse this year and still teaches dance.
99% of those tiny ones she teaches will never "make it" as a dancer.
Some will be good, some will be average, some will struggle.
But they all have opportunities to learn and grow from such an experience.

Life is about the journey not the destination.

theleafandnotthetree I don’t know actually ... it seems really unpleasant and rude to me to tell someone they are boring (even if they are.)

I don’t know to be honest. Yes, you want a balance but I still won’t sing in front of people because my parents laughed at me if I ever sang a song. It really makes me so self conscious. On the other hand, I was given loads of praise and encouragement with swimming and I’m still pretty good. I do think it’s easier with something like that which can be measured (wow, you can swim a length in a minute, that’s amazing) than something which requires a natural talent.

I agree with a lot of the other posters about there being a middle ground.

My DS plays the piano well and we suggested he could take up a second instrument. He wanted to do singing. Despite being quite musical, he is not a great singer, we didn't tell him that or try to discourage him but we've also never told him how great he is. He's done singing lessons for the last two years, now he wants to give up (I think he's realised he's not that good) and do a different instrument instead. Fine. It's been his decision all along.

I do realise that we're lucky to be able to afford to give him this choice. If the music lessons were financially a struggle, it would have been harder to take this route.

I would never tell any child that they're crap at anything. If they have a passion but no talent, I'd still encourage them. If they feel discouraged but still want to carry on despite being crap, I would tell them do what you enjoy, sod the critics. You don't have to be the best, but it's good to try your best. If it's something they struggle with, like maths I won't let them give up. I tell them we will find another method or practice more and train the brain or find alternatives to support the difficulty. I don't lie to children, they're your children forever. There are times when they will come to you and want/need you to tell the truth. One of my adult children started to doubt themselves through being gaslighted by a partner. It was heart breaking to have my child outline all their faults and ask me if it was true!

I'm really honest with my dd about her strengths and weaknesses, but I also emphasise that she can improve on both her strengths and weaknesses if she puts the work in. I think confidence is about self awareness and self acceptance, and knowing that it's ok not to be good at everything.

DD is one of those fortunate kids who is actually extremely good at most things she tries, so for me, was even more important that she had opportunities to become comfortable with things that didn't come so easily to her. I wanted her to have the experience of having to work at stuff, so that she didn't learn to give up at the first hint of difficulty like I do. I think this has been really good for her as she has had to develop her resilience and tenacity.

She has very good self esteem and is very confident. She is not afraid to try things that she finds difficult, and if there is something that she really wants to do, she will work at it until she can, even when it is something that doesn't come naturally to her. I think being honest but positive about her strengths and weaknesses has definitely helped that.

I too praise effort rather than outcome. I also make failure not a big deal. My eldest was showing perfectionist tendencies very young so I purposely made mistakes or got things "wrong" to show it was no big deal and things didn't have to be perfect you just had to keep trying. It seems to have worked with her. She seems unfazed by failure and just has another go or moves on. I say very little to her and she seems to have solid internal motivation/confidence instead of looking for validation. I was terrible as a child for wanting things perfect and getting lots of praise or else I'd completely give up - still the same as an adult but I've tempered it somewhat!

No one needs to know they're terrible at something but they don't need parents pushing them either. Just let them do their thing and they'll soon figure out their strengths.

@CreamRose

theleafandnotthetree I don’t know actually ... it seems really unpleasant and rude to me to tell someone they are boring (even if they are.)

I don’t know to be honest. Yes, you want a balance but I still won’t sing in front of people because my parents laughed at me if I ever sang a song. It really makes me so self conscious. On the other hand, I was given loads of praise and encouragement with swimming and I’m still pretty good. I do think it’s easier with something like that which can be measured (wow, you can swim a length in a minute, that’s amazing) than something which requires a natural talent.

It's all about tone, I tell them they are being a bit boring in a loving, light hearted way . One thing I love about my children is that they don't take themselves too seriously, something we could do with a lot more of in society.

I agree with other posters about praising effort and being positive, balancing this with healthy realism.
Children can be more perceptive sometimes than we give them credit for; they will suss out what is genuinely praiseworthy, and as I said in a previous post, fake "Star of the Week" awards lose their kudos very rapidly, when it becomes apparent that everybody gets a turn regardless.
They take their cue from you; I have seen boys genuinely surprised then I cheerfully agreed that yes, Mr A. played the piano better than I do; that's a good thing, because he can make that contribution to the team effort of putting on a concert. We're lucky to have talents, but they are just the beginning; "one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration"!