Hello.
I would really appreciate some opinions regarding something that has been worrying me for sometime now. I will try to keep this as brief as possible.
Sometime ago I lent a friend (in need) £1700. I won’t go into exactly what it was for but my friend was desperate and as far as I could see the money was put towards a good cause in helping one of her very close family members. I had known my friend for 7 years through work so I trusted her. She appeared very stressed about needing this money so I offered it to her and she seemed very grateful at the time. She said that she would pay me back the money within a matter of months and wrote this down and signed it.
However, shortly after I lent her the money the family member died. She was understandably heartbroken and I tried my best to support her. As the months followed, the agreed time for paying back the loan came and went. I didn’t say anything at the time because I felt so much for her regarding her loss of this family member.
However, my friend never again mentioned the money I’d lent her. I admit I began to feel frustrated because I had no idea what was happening with it. In the end I sent her a text almost a year after I’d lent her the money to ask for an update on it. She texted back an apology but said her family member dying had obviously affected things and delayed her ability to pay me back right now. I told her that I realised it must have been hard and was just asking for an update so I could sort my finances. From then on our personal contact began to fizzle out.
I thought I’d leave it a little longer before I asked again as I worried I was being insensitive by asking too soon into her grief. Another 10 months went by and still nothing (despite us seeing each other at work as she is a colleague) so I texted again to ask for an update. This time I asked to be kept updated. I was pregnant with my second child and about to go on maternity leave which she already knew about so I made it clear the money would be very useful. She stated she would keep me updated.
It’s now been almost 3 years since I lent her the money and she has stopped contacting me completely. She didn’t even congratulate me on the arrival of my baby which hurt. I am left feeling confused and upset and like I have done something wrong, otherwise why would my friend be blanking me this way? If she was having problems getting the money, she’d only have to talk to me about it and I’d be happy to work something out. It’s the uncertainty I am struggling with and am worried I have perhaps not been supportive enough. At other times I feel angry at her, like when I see her joking happily and apparently carefree with other colleagues. I also feel angry at myself for not sticking up for myself. I hate myself for being such a wuss, confrontation scares me.
I suffered terribly with my mental health as a child and young adult and although I’m so much better now in my early thirties my confidence is still very fragile. I think the issue is not so much the money but how the whole thing has weakened my sense of self-worth. I feel I am to blame for all of this and am at a point I am tearful about this much of the time and I’m scared to go back to work after maternity ends. My DH says that it’s ridiculous I blame myself and I should have been firmer with her earlier but that’s easier said than done for me.
I am not sure what to do but I need to do something as it’s all so upsetting. Should I just leave it and put it down to experience and my friend having things tough or should I toughen up and just ask her straight what is going on?
Sorry this is so long, your thoughts would be appreciated.