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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband wishing colleague Happy Mother’s Day

60 replies

smurfy19 · 10/03/2021 22:11

AIBU to have been upset when my DH mentioned he was going to send a txt to a female he works with who has recently had a baby to say Happy First Mother’s Day? Bit of background this same female stepped in when we split last year and started writing a list of things he would take from OUR home and things he would need to buy. We had already made this list, knowing the items we had in our home! Even if we hadn’t he is in his 40’s almost 20 years older than this lady! Had his own house and was a single parent when I met him so not a man child who had never been responsible for himself before! We sorted things out with him admitting to gambling, and crossing an emotional line with this same colleague who he regards as a friend. This woman would often cry to him in the workplace etc. After flipping it round and asking him to be totally honest and tell me how he would feel if I was crying on another mans shoulder or comforting another man so often he realised just how emotionally invested they had both become in each other. The apology came and one of the ground rules for us getting back together was that he would only txt her when it was work related. Reason for this was she was txting at 7am weekday mornings or late at night. So aibu for going a little crazy when he said he was going to txt her at the weekend to say Happy First Mothers Day? For context he has sisters who have children and he NEVER txts them to wish them a happy Mother’s Day and also never txts our close female friend who’s son is his GODCHILD to say it either.
Sorry, first time posting but I am being made to feel like I’m being unreasonable here.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 10/03/2021 22:13

I'd be asking him sharply if he was the father!

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/03/2021 22:15

You’ve got bigger problems than him telling you he’ll text her.

Why do you keep calling her a female? She’s a woman.

You don’t trust him, why are you still with him?

smurfy19 · 10/03/2021 22:28

Definitely not the father, he can’t have anymore children. We have children together and it’s not as easy to just throw in. We did separate and both decided we wanted to be together but knew we both had to change some of our behaviours to make it work. Which is where the ground rules came in to play. The one that is relevant here is him not txting her unless it is work related or in a work group chat. This was to avoid that emotional line being crossed. The fact that it would even enter his head to send a message like this to her just throws all the work we have done down the drain! In the 40 odd years of his life he has only sent a message like this to his own mother or the mother of his children so I don’t understand why this lady is now in his mind when he thinks of Mother’s Day.

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 10/03/2021 22:51

Yes very odd of him. Mothers day is for your own mother or the mother of your children, not random work colleagues.
It sounds like he needs to change jobs to get him away from her

Shopliftersoftheworldunite · 10/03/2021 22:51

I am normally accused of being a ‘cool girl’ on a lot of threads about husbands having female friends but this is insane. Your husband is a sleazy weirdo OP.

smurfy19 · 10/03/2021 23:05

That is my exact thoughts. He has never been one to wish random people or friends a Happy Mother’s or Father’s Day so it appeared very strange to me. I did calmly say at first that would be really weird! In the hope that would make him rethink. This was met by a “there’s that jealous, ugly headed raiding itself” He then got defensive and said he wouldn’t send the txt then for “the sake of my mental health” To me that is his way of taking any responsibility for his behaviour and flipping it on to me! I worry that he seems so sure I am overreacting and that he felt that would be a nice message for him to send! I’m not one to be jealous usually, he has way more female friends than he does males, due to the nature of his job I guess, and I’ve always been completely fine with it. It just appears that this one lady has changed the way he usually is. I’m not at all blaming the lady btw. I’ve asked him if he has feelings for her etc and he insists he doesn’t and wouldn’t even if we weren’t together and she wasn’t in a relationship.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/03/2021 23:56

I understand how you feel about it. He's in the wrong.
YANBU

timeisnotaline · 10/03/2021 23:58

I’d say I don’t know why we bothered with ground rules, clearly you’re not interested. Shall I take it to mean we are ignoring all of them, including my forming emotional attachments with other men so I get some support from somewhere?

justcannotwithyou · 11/03/2021 00:19

Wow, you are not being unreasonable here, nor are you jealous for saying that's weird as fuck. It is so, so weird!

I don't want to be this one, I always hate when I see it on threads, but fucking hell this doesn't sit right with me. Why on earth would a man ever wish a colleague happy mothers day unless there were feelings there? Most men barely remember to tell their own mothers and wives that. A colleague/female friend would never even cross 99.9% of men's minds!

springintosummernow · 11/03/2021 00:35

Why did he tell you he was going to send her a text?

billy1966 · 11/03/2021 00:45

Why are you with him?

XelaM · 11/03/2021 00:46

He has feelings for her, but I'm guessing since she's just had a baby with someone else it's not reciprocated

Seventytwo · 11/03/2021 00:57

This was met by a “there’s that jealous, ugly headed raiding itself” He then got defensive and said he wouldn’t send the txt then for “the sake of my mental health”

So he’s not only painting you as the irrational one for calling out his suspect behaviour but also trying to gaslight you into questioning your own mental health over this? Fucking hell OP, get rid - no-one needs this shit. You are absolutely right to be suspicious and you deserve better.

justcannotwithyou · 11/03/2021 01:00

@Seventytwo

This was met by a “there’s that jealous, ugly headed raiding itself” He then got defensive and said he wouldn’t send the txt then for “the sake of my mental health”

So he’s not only painting you as the irrational one for calling out his suspect behaviour but also trying to gaslight you into questioning your own mental health over this? Fucking hell OP, get rid - no-one needs this shit. You are absolutely right to be suspicious and you deserve better.

Yeah, this. What an absolute twat.
JockTamsonsBairns · 11/03/2021 01:12

Does he wish his male colleagues a Happy Father's Day?

OlympicProcrastinator · 11/03/2021 02:52

Basically, he wants this woman, they’ve probably already done something together but he’s bullshitted his way to hang on to you as well. You’ve allowed it and stayed with him anyway, knowing he has feelings for another woman and inevitably, he’s continuing to push boundaries.

He wants this woman OP. Are you sure staying with him is worth the sacrifice of your dignity?

FollowingFlitwick · 11/03/2021 03:05

I wouldn't want this either, op. Is he still going to send it?

Monty27 · 11/03/2021 03:22

He's behaving like a complete creepy twat OP
Yuk

NotFabulousDarling · 11/03/2021 03:31

He's being bizarre.

MinnieJackson · 11/03/2021 06:06

What a twat! So glad you can see he's turning this around on you. Totally inappropriate, especially when she was trying to divvy up your house stuff! Listen to pp's and decide if he's worth this stress. I'm really angry for you.

Icecreamsoda99 · 11/03/2021 06:17

Putting aside how unfair this is to you, is the woman with her baby's father? It's really creepy that he wants to insert himself in her consciousness on a day which should be about her, her child and her partner (if there is one).

WeeWillyWanky · 11/03/2021 06:21

Missing the point of the thread, but surely the only person you would ever say 'Happy Mothers Day' to is your own mother Confused

GladysTheGroovyMule · 11/03/2021 07:03

@Seventytwo

This was met by a “there’s that jealous, ugly headed raiding itself” He then got defensive and said he wouldn’t send the txt then for “the sake of my mental health”

So he’s not only painting you as the irrational one for calling out his suspect behaviour but also trying to gaslight you into questioning your own mental health over this? Fucking hell OP, get rid - no-one needs this shit. You are absolutely right to be suspicious and you deserve better.

Agree with the above. Is he really worth hanging on to?!
Lochmorlich · 11/03/2021 07:11

Your dh is texting her because he's hoping she will respond and he can then have a conversation and it makes him look all caring and kind.(In his head anyway).
In reality it's bizarre but when someone is daydreaming about another person they will do anything to initiate a response.
He's got it bad!

TheLumpySofaCushion · 11/03/2021 07:44

Sorry, OP, this is rubbish for you.

Don't let him make you think you're unreasonable. He's fixated on her by the sounds of it.

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