Husband wishing colleague Happy Mother’s Day

[smurfy19]

AIBU to have been upset when my DH mentioned he was going to send a txt to a female he works with who has recently had a baby to say Happy First Mother’s Day? Bit of background this same female stepped in when we split last year and started writing a list of things he would take from OUR home and things he would need to buy. We had already made this list, knowing the items we had in our home! Even if we hadn’t he is in his 40’s almost 20 years older than this lady! Had his own house and was a single parent when I met him so not a man child who had never been responsible for himself before! We sorted things out with him admitting to gambling, and crossing an emotional line with this same colleague who he regards as a friend. This woman would often cry to him in the workplace etc. After flipping it round and asking him to be totally honest and tell me how he would feel if I was crying on another mans shoulder or comforting another man so often he realised just how emotionally invested they had both become in each other. The apology came and one of the ground rules for us getting back together was that he would only txt her when it was work related. Reason for this was she was txting at 7am weekday mornings or late at night. So aibu for going a little crazy when he said he was going to txt her at the weekend to say Happy First Mothers Day? For context he has sisters who have children and he NEVER txts them to wish them a happy Mother’s Day and also never txts our close female friend who’s son is his GODCHILD to say it either.
Sorry, first time posting but I am being made to feel like I’m being unreasonable here.

So he agreed to no texting about non work related stuff and he’s done exactly that. You can’t explain this away as ‘he didn’t realise or understand’, I am assuming his grasp of the English language is sufficient to understand what he was agreeing to. He understands what he’s doing, he just doesn’t care enough about you or your relationship to stop doing what he does.

You might want to start accepting that this is who he is, he wasn’t a victim of this woman, he made and is continuing to make decisions where his wants are at the top of his priority list. Wishing her a happy Mother’s Day took priority above his promise to you and the impact it could have on his relationship with you.

The balls not in his court, it’s in yours and you need to own prioritising someone who treated and continues to treat you, as an option.

Missing the point of the thread, but surely the only person you would ever say 'Happy Mothers Day' to is your own mother

It's normal to say it to your wife as well. Many also say it to their Grandmother. I also wish my Dsis and friends Happy mothers day too.

Did you point out to him that he doesn’t wish his sisters or the mother of his godchild a happy Mother’s Day? And what is his response to that?

I think the “ugly, jealous” comment is very galling. My response to that sort of thing is to repeat it back slowly (mostly because I can never think of a good come back) but I’ve found it extremely effective. That said, it’s usually tweens or teens that I’m dealing with. That kind of language from a grown man says a lot about him.

I’m not going to tell you to LTB but I do think that to stay with someone like this you need to be very clear on what your hard boundaries are.
For a lot of MNetters any infidelity is a hard boundary. It may not be yours and I won’t judge you for this.
But you do need to be clear, in your own head, what your bottom line is. It’s ok to have a wide margin between what behaviour you expect or the limits you agree and your bottom line. But men like this will keep pushing and eroding, not just your limits, but your self worth and identity if you don’t know where to cut your losses.

He has a close relationship with another woman
I get the impression it is a jealously issue or insecurity if yours
We are all entitled to have friendships not matter what gender we are.
I know many will disagree but having close relationships with a man in a relationship can be respectful towards his partner.
Unless they are insecure of controlling.

He is not a "sleazy weirdo" Your user name is as silly as your comment! Tacky that is!

If my colleague was a new dad I would say happy Father's Day.
Maybe his sibling relationship is not so close as I talk to work colleagues more often than my siblings too.
A man from my work replied to a message after hours when he was probably relaxed and in a better space, will his wife assume he's my child's father? I think not.
I will text happy birthday if I find out it is a mans birthday too because I value people in my life.. shame some of you do not.

Urgh sorry op

If he is going to wish the same to EVERY mother at his work-place (new or not), fair enough.

(It would be a bit unusual but perhaps he is just keen on motherhood or really appreciates the way mothers keep society ticking over.)

If not - then he is sending a 'you are special to me' message that is not appropriate.

Yep, good reason why they are someone elses ex, especially when they have dc.
Pity the red flags weren't observed at the start OP.
He's gaslighting you, when he's probably having an affair, or wanting one.
You certainly don't/ can't trust him, time to move on and leave him to his fantasy OW

Sorry OP, but I’m seriously wondering what has happened to your thought process to make you think any of this is viable?!

Making it all your fault - not good!

@woollysheeps

He has a close relationship with another woman I get the impression it is a jealously issue or insecurity if yours We are all entitled to have friendships not matter what gender we are. I know many will disagree but having close relationships with a man in a relationship can be respectful towards his partner. Unless they are insecure of controlling.

He is not a "sleazy weirdo" Your user name is as silly as your comment! Tacky that is!

If my colleague was a new dad I would say happy Father's Day.
Maybe his sibling relationship is not so close as I talk to work colleagues more often than my siblings too.
A man from my work replied to a message after hours when he was probably relaxed and in a better space, will his wife assume he's my child's father? I think not.
I will text happy birthday if I find out it is a mans birthday too because I value people in my life.. shame some of you do not.

You really are the odd one out here.

I don't think it's fair of you to call this woman jealous or controlling when what her husband is doing is so far from being anywhere near normal and he's breaking the agreement they had after it was discovered he was getting far too close to his colleague. He agreed to this, which is one of the reasons they were able to get back together.

It's like you've teamed up with her husband here in gaslighting her. Don't you realise that?

PMSL at @woollysheeps What a load of rot you speak.

@smurfy19 YANBU at ALL. This behaviour well out of order and fucking weird. As a pp said, most men forget to wish their OWN mother 'happy mother's day!' Like hell would they wish happy mothers day to a female work colleague unless there was something more to their relationship.

Are you SURE he isn't the father of the baby? You say he can't have any more children, but are you 100% sure of that?

I hate the threads on here that tend to go down the 'men & women can't be just friends' route but in this case no, you're not wrong, his behaviour is weird.

Who the hell wishes a friend a Happy Mother's Day - first one or not. Thats not normal & don't let him tell you otherwise

Whey b you say that she stepped in and started writing a list of things he should take from your home... Was he leaving you for her? Why on earth would she be involved otherwise?

I will text happy birthday if I find out it is a mans birthday too because I value people in my life.. shame some of you do not

That is completely different to wishing someone a Happy Mother's Day. The 2 really aren't comparible

Very, very strange behaviour. No way would I be OK with this

The apology came and one of the ground rules for us getting back together was that he would only txt her when it was work related.

This is the key part for me. Happy Mother's Day isn't work related, he's going back on that rule you both agreed on for this particular woman. I'd be fuming. And his attempts to make this about protecting your mental health? Not cool.

Just tell him " I don't care what the occasion is; GET BACK IN LINE. We agreed you would never text her except for work reasons and I expect you to keep to that promise. Not just for a year or two, for the rest of your life.

I wouldn't like it given the history no, absolutely not

@Redglitter

I hate the threads on here that tend to go down the 'men & women can't be just friends' route but in this case no, you're not wrong, his behaviour is weird.

Who the hell wishes a friend a Happy Mother's Day - first one or not. Thats not normal & don't let him tell you otherwise

I do send a happy Mothers Day into my my whatsapp group of female friends :p But obviously this situation isn't like that

Your comeback is
There's that mid life crisis /creepy man old enough to be her df's head lifting again.
.

@woollysheeps Have you forgotten you need to wash the fruit and veggies before eating them?

Gaslighting you, not good 🌺

If people read the OP properly they'd see this woman's DH has had an emotional affair with this female work colleague.

She's asked him not to contact her again unless it's for genuine work reasons.He's crossed a line.

My brother wishes me a Happy Mother's Day every year (and I think that's weird!)

@thenewduchessofhastings

If people read the OP properly they'd see this woman's DH has had an emotional affair with this female work colleague.

She's asked him not to contact her again unless it's for genuine work reasons.He's crossed a line.

Agree with this. It would be a nice sentiment if only the twat of a husband hadn’t already crossed a line in the past with this woman and is trying to find any old flimsy excuse to start up contact with her again.