To resent having to care for my father?

[Mixedupmuddle]

Not sure what the rules are with regards to trigger warnings on here but just wanted to put something incase you don’t want to read on. I have name changed as I fear this could be recognizable.

My relationship with my father has been rocky for many years after suffering emotional and sometimes physical abuse growing up, the relationship is quite frankly irreparable.

He still has a very unkind/rude/stubborn/streak with a terrible temper and growing up he would say many, many incredibly unkind things to me (sibling was the golden child so only really impacted me). Without sounding unkind I could count the likeable things about him on less than one hand. He will even make frankly vulgar sexual comments about the carers who come in to help him 🤢

In an ideal world where he didn’t need all this help, I would probably be almost, if not completely no contact with him. This of course is not possible and I can only see his needs increasing as he continues to age.

His health has taken a steep decline in recent years, to the point where he needs a lot of care and couldn’t physically manage alone.

Without wanting to out myself too much and reveal the circumstances, this caring has fallen to me as even with some funding, he can only afford carers to come in once a day and that isn’t enough for the level of care he needs (golden child doesn’t live close enough to go round there everyday.)

All the carers have time to do Is wash and dress him each day and sort his breakfast. I do a range of caring duties for him which range from changing dressings to cleaning up his excrement etc, cleaning, sorting other food etc. He can sometimes need to change his clothes during the day if he souls himself etc which makes things difficult.

Due to the way I was treated by my father for so long and the things he will still say to me now, I am finding it increasingly difficult not to feel resentful (he’s still a very difficult, stubborn and rude man).

I feel he’s reaching the point where he might need a care home in the next couple of years, but he has said he would rather end things than go into one so that’s just not going to happen. (He sees it as part of my duty to care for him.)

He doesn’t have any friends and the only other family members are aging/unwell themselves and are unable to care for him.

I of course still do all the things he needs but the resentment is building. We could never have a conversation about it as he thinks he is wonderful and doesn’t see how awful his behaviour is and has been in the past which has had a lasting impact on me.

I don’t know why I’m really writing this or what I hope to gain from it, maybe just hoping someone else has been in my position. What did you do?

Without sounding unkind, the only way I can see this ending is when he dies. I’m not sure how much more I can take though.

AIBU to resent caring for him? I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling this way but don’t see how things can change.

If you feel I am being unreasonable, I am totally prepared to accept this and would like to hear your reasons why as it might make me feel less resentful about things.

I've already fully agreed with my parents that I don't want to provide personal or high level care and they don't want me too. I'm a nurse so I'm sure social services will see me as a natural easy hit for guilting into that care. I won't be doing it. My siblings live too far away and are of the ilk of throwing money at any problem to avoid dealing with difficult interpersonal issues. And we don't have a fraction of your history although it's not been perfect either.
Step back, stand your ground, be a squeaky wheel with social care. He reaps what he sows. He could carry on for years like this. Don't lose years of your life doing something that impacts on your health and well being

Contact a social worker and say you're not able to do it anymore. My father sounds similar to yours in temperament. I went NC and have never looked back. He's not sick but if he was I'd leave it to someone else to deal with. He's simply not my problem. People who abuse you don't deserve your care. I simply couldn't and wouldn't do what you're doing. You owe him nothing.

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply,I have read every response and appreciate them all.

I will speak to social services. I did look into care homes a little bit but he’s not the only one in the house and there is some caveat on the property that says his Spouse has life time interest and half the properly is hers. I think that affects what can go towards care home fees. (She doesn’t need any care but is unable to do a lot of the care for him.)

Do not care for him, OP. Call Adult Social Services he need a care review as his needs have changed since his initial care assessment.

He needs a Care Needs Assessment.
Contact Adult Services and be very upfront and honest with them.

Have a look at AgeUK website, they are v helpful in supporting you to get the help he needs and which he is entitled to.

He should be eligible for more care visits. You will need to be assertive if he tries to say he can manage without help, and also in saying you cannot and will not do it. If necessary, tell the SW what you have told us.

I am sorry you are in this position.

OP, there are ways of dealing with the financial aspect. Your local authority or social services should be able to advise.

Honestly don’t feel guilty, I know you’ve basically been trained to feel that way but you’ve done nothing wrong here. I would withdraw your care for him and let your sibling know that they need to step in. And SS just incase sibling doesn’t. You’ve done plenty for him already and he treats you badly in spite of that. You are not obligated legally or morally to care for anyone who is abusive towards you. If he ends up in a care home against his will that’s frankly his problem and at least partly his own bloody fault for being so vile over the years.

He won't kill himself, that type never do. Talk to SS and tell them he's their responsibility.

YABU to resent doing something that is a choice. I too help care for a father who has not always treated me well but I do so knowing that it's my choice and with very strict boundaries in place over how much and what sort of care I can give. Really I do it to avoid feeling guilty about not doing it, so not altruistic at all (it helps that his Alzheimers personality is so much nicer than his real one).

You are not responsible for his care needs. If he does not live alone then you do not even need to ensure he is safe- he has a spouse to do that!
Walk away. What is keeping you attending to him other than a (misguided) sense of duty?

Tomorrow morning tell him, and his spouse, that you are no longer going to care for him and walk away. Let them figure it out themselves. They will. But they will do everything they can to out you back in your place first so be very careful. Can you switch your phone off /mute him for a week or two? Its tough but SS even once they've done their assessment will attempt to dump it all back onto you especially if he tells them you will do it. You either need to tell them he's abusive or fi s another reason why you can't do anymore. Get a job with more hours, Move out of area...

@Mixedupmuddle

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply,I have read every response and appreciate them all.

I will speak to social services. I did look into care homes a little bit but he’s not the only one in the house and there is some caveat on the property that says his Spouse has life time interest and half the properly is hers. I think that affects what can go towards care home fees. (She doesn’t need any care but is unable to do a lot of the care for him.)

When you speak to them be clear you are raising concerns - then you must walk away. They must deal with him directly, do not be the go between, other than to provide information about the current unacceptable situation. If social services know there is an adult daughter on the scene who is already providing care then will not see it as an emergency. I know it sounds harsh, and will go against every instinct, but you must be prepared for this. No more caring, or they will do nothing.

Walk away OP and do not look back. Do not waste a single second more on this man who has manipulated, abused and belittled you. You are not responsible for him or have to listen to him a moment longer

I don't know why you feel you have to do this.

Contact social services. The other person in the house, assuming they're a spouse or closely related, will not be compromised with regard to their home, if your father goes into a care home.

Please don’t feel bad, it sounds like you’ve done a great deal for him already. Put yourself first.

OP, please read up on Fear, Obligation, Guilt (FOG). If at all possible get some therapy for yourself.

As almost everyone on this thread has advised, stop helping your abuser. Contact adult social services and say it's a safeguarding issue. Be prepared to hold your ground firmly. You are cheap help for them and they will try to shame/force you into helping, so you need to be tough and refuse any help whatsoever.

There's a spouse?

You must extract yourself from this immediately. It cannot be your problem. Nothing but sympathy from me.

another one saying you don’t have to do this and to ring SS and say you can’t care for him and won’t be doing so anymore.
Let them sort out the funding re: the house, that is not your problem.
Do not condemn yourself to caring for this man who made your childhood miserable. You deserve a better life for yourself. Do not let SS pressure you into providing care either.
Good luck

Take yourself out of the picture and ask yourself “what would happen if I wasn’t here?” A suitable care package would be arranged, that’s what.

So many family carers make the mistake of saying “oh we can probably manage” and end up ruining their physical and mental health. Call social services, tell them “I can’t and won’t do this any more.” If he kicks off say the same to him.

Say yes to everything in terms of equipment, and be “that daughter” if what they come up with isn’t suitable. I know it’s the mumsnet cliche of choice, but “no, that doesn’t work for us” is very useful in this situation.

You do not have to care for him. He has only done the bare minimum as a father over the years. Do not ruin your life out of misplaced guilt

Also re: assessment & fees over the £23.5k threshold - if the spouse is already living in the house, and owns a share, then your father's share is exempt from the calculation of assets

I wouldn’t be caring for him and I would be no contact.
You reap what you sow, he’s been cruel and vile to you why would you keep allowing yourself to be treated that way.
My Dad died with a few piss heads around him but no family. My siblings and I wanted nothing to do with him.

You are being unreasonable to continue providing care for a man you dislike. You aren't obligated to do it, just because he's your father.

Seriously, step back. He hasn't earned your concern, he isn't owed it. Leave him to it.

You don't have to do this, you are choosing to.
It's ok to walk away and that's what you need to do. You don't owe him anything.

If he lives at home and doesn't have significant savings the local authority need to meet his needs at home. My dad had 31 hours funded a week. My mum more than that (once they spent all their own money of course). House doesn't come into it for home care. His attendance allowance only goes toward the care. If he needs more care and doesn't have the means to pay for it the local authority have to pay for it. He doesn't have to go into a home.

Please disclose to adult social services that he was abusive to you as a child and your sister was the golden child and that you can't do this anymore You have done more than enough and can't carry on like this. If he wanted your love he should have cared for you better