Not sure what the rules are with regards to trigger warnings on here but just wanted to put something incase you don’t want to read on. I have name changed as I fear this could be recognizable.
My relationship with my father has been rocky for many years after suffering emotional and sometimes physical abuse growing up, the relationship is quite frankly irreparable.
He still has a very unkind/rude/stubborn/streak with a terrible temper and growing up he would say many, many incredibly unkind things to me (sibling was the golden child so only really impacted me). Without sounding unkind I could count the likeable things about him on less than one hand. He will even make frankly vulgar sexual comments about the carers who come in to help him 🤢
In an ideal world where he didn’t need all this help, I would probably be almost, if not completely no contact with him. This of course is not possible and I can only see his needs increasing as he continues to age.
His health has taken a steep decline in recent years, to the point where he needs a lot of care and couldn’t physically manage alone.
Without wanting to out myself too much and reveal the circumstances, this caring has fallen to me as even with some funding, he can only afford carers to come in once a day and that isn’t enough for the level of care he needs (golden child doesn’t live close enough to go round there everyday.)
All the carers have time to do Is wash and dress him each day and sort his breakfast. I do a range of caring duties for him which range from changing dressings to cleaning up his excrement etc, cleaning, sorting other food etc. He can sometimes need to change his clothes during the day if he souls himself etc which makes things difficult.
Due to the way I was treated by my father for so long and the things he will still say to me now, I am finding it increasingly difficult not to feel resentful (he’s still a very difficult, stubborn and rude man).
I feel he’s reaching the point where he might need a care home in the next couple of years, but he has said he would rather end things than go into one so that’s just not going to happen. (He sees it as part of my duty to care for him.)
He doesn’t have any friends and the only other family members are aging/unwell themselves and are unable to care for him.
I of course still do all the things he needs but the resentment is building. We could never have a conversation about it as he thinks he is wonderful and doesn’t see how awful his behaviour is and has been in the past which has had a lasting impact on me.
I don’t know why I’m really writing this or what I hope to gain from it, maybe just hoping someone else has been in my position. What did you do?
Without sounding unkind, the only way I can see this ending is when he dies. I’m not sure how much more I can take though.
AIBU to resent caring for him? I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling this way but don’t see how things can change.
If you feel I am being unreasonable, I am totally prepared to accept this and would like to hear your reasons why as it might make me feel less resentful about things.