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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What made you cut your parents off?

73 replies

dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 15:25

I'm just interested what was the breaking point for anyone who was in this position. I think I am at one right now with my mum. She has undiagnosed bipolar (we are 98% certain as are her Drs but she refuses help from a psychiatrist). Makes it a bit more complicated as I have a much younger sister (13 year old) who still lives with her and I am very close to.
However, I can't really carry on like this. I've minimised contact as much as possible but it is all just making my mental health go to shreds and I am a quite strong person mental health wise.

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 10/03/2021 15:28

When my dad started treating my kids the way he treated us as kids

Silenceisgolden20 · 10/03/2021 15:38

To save my mental health.
One day I had enough of the narcastitc behaviour. I asked my dad if he couldn't stop being hurtful then to stay away.

I'm not interested in games or a toxic relationship.
I took the power away and dropped the rope.

grannyinapram · 10/03/2021 15:40

Following

ezydays · 10/03/2021 15:45

Same situation. I've only stayed in contact for past 10 years because my sister who is 17 now. She's bipolar and refuses to take her medicine and expects us all to pussyfoot around her.

Think she's narcy aswell

BrumBoo · 10/03/2021 15:46

The choice was ultimately taken out of my hands, and seemed extremely unfair at the time (no closure). However, my life has been far far far better since. I'm finally free of the knawing anxiety that came with any interaction with that parent, I had no idea how badly they affected me until they were out of my life for good. I'm not sure if I'd ever cut them off completely by my own volition, and I'd possibly still be stuck with them to this day - no marriage, kids or life of my own. That thought still terrifies me. They really had me trapped, more like domestic abuse than a bad parent situation.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/03/2021 15:49

The day I was honest with her about her utter shit parenting and she told me it was because she knew I had an affair with her husband when I was 11 and he was 50.

She was a really shit parent, but for her to frame my abuse as an affair was the last straw for me.

She still tries to ruin my life, but she is just a nothing to me now and I've never felt more free.

Original poster
dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 15:53

Goodness i am so sorry. @BrumBoo your post hit a bit too close to home. I am turning 28 next month and I don't live with my mum but my sister is basically being brought up by me and I have absolutely no life of my own. It feels like i am trapped. If i leave she is left behind if i dont i have no chance of having a relationship, albeit not a healthy one anyway.

OP posts:
OlympicProcrastinator · 10/03/2021 15:55

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Fucking. Hell.

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 16:01

@difficultpifcultlemondifficult flipping heck, hugs to you. My mum pissed off to work abroad for nearly 6 months leaving us with a pedo au pair who invited her partner and abused my older sister. Guess who was blamed.

OP posts:
freetorunwild · 10/03/2021 16:02

When they started to favour my nephew over my children and when confronted (in a calm way) my mum tried to attack me

MahMahMahMahCorona · 10/03/2021 16:05

I've not gone totally NC but I've put very clear boundaries in place. The tipping point was when she (DM) said in the early stages of my most acrimonious divorce from abusive exH, about my DF supporting me: "if your DF has a heart attack with the stress of all this I will blame you". Delightful woman.

It's a really tough decision as you have your younger sister - I'm sorry to hear you're going through this OP.

Deelish75 · 10/03/2021 16:07

When my mum expected me to put her wants before mine and my children’s needs and generally making life difficult for me and spoiling things for my children.

BrumBoo · 10/03/2021 16:07

@dodgeitornot

Goodness i am so sorry. *@BrumBoo* your post hit a bit too close to home. I am turning 28 next month and I don't live with my mum but my sister is basically being brought up by me and I have absolutely no life of my own. It feels like i am trapped. If i leave she is left behind if i dont i have no chance of having a relationship, albeit not a healthy one anyway.
It's good of you to care for your siblings, but that doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with you mum. Truth is, sometimes you just have to be selfish and put yourself first. If you believe your sister is in any harm, report it but otherwise you are her sister, not her actual mum. One day she will be an adult herself, and all you'll have is watching her live her adult life whilst you've wasted yours.
KitesFlyingInTheWind · 10/03/2021 16:08

My parent had been emotionally and otherwise abusing me for years (some of it still ongoing, no way to stop it).
I just decided that I had no choice in some of the abuse, but I would not be emotionally/verbally abused any more.

BlueSussex · 10/03/2021 16:12

I am NC with NPD mother and have been for years.

I just woke up to the enormity of a lifetime of abuse and asked her to stop. She actually stormed out of my house because I had the audacity to ask her calmly to stop shouting at me. She went NC with me which made things so much easier.

It's a huge relief and my life has improved in every way possible without her in it.

LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone · 10/03/2021 16:14

When having put up with my mother's narcissistic behaviour for 47 years and I told her I'd had enough of it.
So she flew at me, tried to throttle me and kicked me in the stomach.
Yeah, enough was enough.

Welikebeingcosy · 10/03/2021 16:17

Now that my daughter is getting older I am thinking about it because I know their attitude will change towards her as she becomes more independent and opinionated.

Vates · 10/03/2021 16:18

Oh my goodness, lemon. I am so sorry for what you went through. That's horrific and your own Mum had the flipping audacity to say that to you?! I really hope you are recovered or receiving help to recover/heal and are treated well by people around you now. Lovely to hear you're free now :)

My own personal tale would be my Dad cheated on my Mum & left her when I was 16; Mum spiralled into a deep depression and into alcohol abuse. I was in sixth form but already had some increasingly serious mental health problems. The day my Dad moved out he told me that I was selfish and just be thankful that 'he didn't do this when I was younger' he was referring to leaving us; Mum, Sister and I. She never divorced him and was still madly in love/attached, he convinced her to remortgage to release money and spent everything except the last 15k. I saw things and heard things that no teenager wants to hear about their parents. Mum came back to reality a bit when I was 19, she told me I had to leave at 21 and I moved into supported housing for mentally women (I was a housebound agoraphobic experiencing psychosis at the time). I loved her though and could definitely relate to her more and she was definitely a nicer person than my Dad. Died at 67, nearly 9 years ago now. Miss her lots.

My Dad is still self absorbed and I only see him maybe once a year. I always step back when he tries to hug me though as I can't stand males hugging me. My Sister has a Son who's 3 and pregnant with another child due in the Summer. She's softer than me and wants to give our Dad an opportunity to know his Grandchildren but has said the first time he messes up then he will shut out forever. I don't love him, if he died I would probably mourn some happier young memories but it wouldn't be a big deal as he's not in my life and hasn't been since 16. I wouldn't want to go to his funeral, especially as it would involve travelling. But I smile when I am nervous so he probably thinks I like him.

Sorry for the rambling!

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 10/03/2021 16:19

For me, it was when my mother kept putting pressure on me to leave my DD with her. I didn't want my child to experience what I did as a child

Tal45 · 10/03/2021 16:21

How is your sister coping with living there? Sounds like a very difficult situation :-( x

FingersXssd83 · 10/03/2021 16:24

Following

gamerchick · 10/03/2021 16:27

Because I knew as she got older the burden of caring for her in her old age would fall to me if I just continued to put up with her shit for the sake of peace.

Not fucking happening. Had to be done sooner rather than later.

gamerchick · 10/03/2021 16:28

Get SS involved OP for your sister. Sounds like it should have been done a while back.

star8 · 10/03/2021 16:31

When i had children realised what a awful upbringing i had. Would bit want a drop of what that for my children. Also realised every happy day for me was ruined for me by her stroppy behaviour e.g wedding day, graduation having a baby... It had to be about her. She wanted to be treated like a queen but treat me like dirt. Worse than dirt.
NC for 3 years and am 32 but was a very distant relationship for 6 years before NC. Narcissism and denial.

star8 · 10/03/2021 16:31

Not*