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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What made you cut your parents off?

73 replies

dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 15:25

I'm just interested what was the breaking point for anyone who was in this position. I think I am at one right now with my mum. She has undiagnosed bipolar (we are 98% certain as are her Drs but she refuses help from a psychiatrist). Makes it a bit more complicated as I have a much younger sister (13 year old) who still lives with her and I am very close to.
However, I can't really carry on like this. I've minimised contact as much as possible but it is all just making my mental health go to shreds and I am a quite strong person mental health wise.

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VeraDonovan · 10/03/2021 16:38

My father died when I was 13 so it is just my mother I have cut off.

  1. When my father died she would not allow me to go to his funeral. They had been separated for five years prior to his death but it was still all about her.
  1. Following his death I had a breakdown and left home at 15 to live with someone she knew was abusive. She was always bringing this up at every opportunity, about how much I hurt her when I moved out etc etc and that the stress of this caused her to have a heart attack (it didn't, she had an undiagnosed overactive thyroid condition that caused heart failure).
  1. When I left my ex-husband (father of my son) he threatened to kill me and the police put a panic button in my house and also one that I could carry around with me. While we were married he raped and beat me up on a regular basis and she was aware of all of this She is now best friends with him and talks to him on Facebook, whilst preaching to me about 'family loyalty').
  1. Eventually found out that most things she had told me about my father were lies and she also lied about where he was buried so I spent many years visiting a random graveyard when he was in fact buried in another country.

Haven't spoken now for about seven years and I don't miss her one bit.

dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 16:53

@gamerchick unfortunately we are in the crappiest SS borough you can imagine. I don't want to out myself but think baby p. We have had them involved but it only went as far as family support. She refused to cooperate so they discharged her from the service instead of doing a full investigation. I looked like I was making it all up and made it even worse.
My childhood and the situation now has made me completely give up hope in SS.

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FatCatThinCat · 10/03/2021 17:05

The brexit referendum.

That might sound awful to some but it really was the final straw. It came after a lifetime of not being valued and having my needs trampled over. Not caring was a passive form of neglect and was hard to mentally break away from. But going out and voting for something which was devastating to us was active not giving a shit about me, and in a way, did me a favour as it gave me the kick I needed to finally break away.

SilkySuky · 10/03/2021 17:25

Realising that the only reason they were contacting me more regularly than usual, eg. Once every month as opposed to once a year wasn't to speak to their only grandchildren but to sound me out regarding them moving 300 miles to be closer to me as they could see their old age creeping up on them and want me to be their carer.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 10/03/2021 17:33

My mother was extremely manipulative throughout my childhood and teenage years, and attempted to continue this once I was an independent adult.
The final straw was that several things she said made me certain that she had been aware that I was sexually abused as a child,. She did nothing at the time, and continued to favour and financially support the abusive brother throughout her life.

dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 17:47

Oh goodness I'm so sorry for all of you.
Mine recently got diagnosed with low grade cancer and it dawned on me that I'm sad it's not worse. I felt really bad but it just made me realise how bad things are between us.

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Holothane · 10/03/2021 17:54

When my family pulled me to pieces in front of then fiancé. We walked and never looked back.

FatCatThinCat · 10/03/2021 18:44

My mum was also extremely manipulative. For example when I was pregnant she contacted social services and told them that she was extremely concerned about the situation as I was autistic, make impulsive decisions, don't take advice and she was extremely concerned about the consequences of this for my baby once it arrived and felt she had no choice but to contact them. Sounds genuine and like a concerned parent/grandparent right? The actual motivation for the call was that she hated the name I'd chosen and I was refusing to change it to the one she thought I should pick.

islockdownoveryet · 10/03/2021 18:50

Gosh I’m so sorry to you all .
For me it was repeated horrible behaviour.
He’d ignore me , blank me etc or I’d get verbal abuse for no reason. I’d find out something I said I’d did which was a minor comment to anyone else but he’d make it into something personal and not speak to me for 6 months . Then he’d decide to speak and we’d go around again like that for years . When he wanted to be nasty my god he was nasty he’d come out with all kinds of lies . The thing is other people say well he’s so nice sometimes as that’s ok . He has 2 personalities, I actually think he may have some undiagnosed condition but my dh said no he’s just a twat .
So after years I just said no more , he refused to apologise and I’m happier without him . I feel sorry for the other family members who walk on eggshells and put up with his shit on the hope he changes to the nice personality.
My dm thinks one day we’ll speak but he won’t change so why would I keep putting up with him .
I think that’s the thing if they refuse to change / apologise and never believe they are in the wrong then that’s when you go NC .

FatCatThinCat · 10/03/2021 19:09

I think that’s the thing if they refuse to change / apologise and never believe they are in the wrong then that’s when you go NC .

Absolutely agree. I've been NC for 5 years now but I'm still open to renewing the relationship if they were to change and genuinely acknowledge the pain they've caused. But that'll never happen. After a couple of years my adult DD decided to ring my mum as she missed her. My mum cried on the phone about how pleased she was that she'd called and how she thinks about her all the time. Then she abruptly cut the call short as my brother had arrived and was heading to Tesco and she wanted to go with him. Reconnecting with her granddaugher was less important than going to Tesco, FFS. DD immediately blocked her again.

Youllbeoldertoo · 10/03/2021 19:13

@dodgeitornot hi Op, I know your borough, have you spoken to your sisters school about extra support? The student officer should be able to make a referral to SS for you, which could speed up support.

Anycrispsleft · 10/03/2021 19:17

@SnarkyBag

When my dad started treating my kids the way he treated us as kids
Exactly what I was going to say. I think I'd forgotten how bad it was as well, or at least put it to the back of my mind.
dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 19:22

@Youllbeoldertoo that's how the last referral was made. The school can't really do much as the situation is the same as last time and it ended with SS leaving the scene. So not much they can do. She doesn't physically abuse her but it emotionally and psychologically awful. I have made it clear to my sister than she can live with me when she is ready and I suspect it won't be much longer.

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PurplePrimula · 10/03/2021 19:44

When my husband was told on a night out "If I was you, I'd just give her a slap". I hadn't said or done anything untoward, he just came out with it. I got up and walked out. Not a lot of contact after that.

Youllbeoldertoo · 10/03/2021 19:55

@dodgeitornot in terms of supporting your sisters mental health while she’s still with your mum try Kooth and place2be. Good luck Op.

dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 19:58

Thanks @youllbeoldertoo she has a great therapist that I pay for her to see weekly, she also spends a lot of time with me as I live locally so it makes it much harder to NC mum.

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StillGoingToWork · 10/03/2021 19:58

My mother was supposed to cat-sit for me whilst I went away for a weekend. I then found out she invited two friends to come with her and she couldn't care less about my cat, she just wanted to use my place to show off to her mates that she had free accommodation in the Capital. She even said to me she might as well take advantage of the situation. It was the latest in a long line of selfish behaviours. If she had asked first if it was ok I might have let it go but she's tried to freeload off my brother's in-laws too.

She has plenty of money and can afford paid accommodation but she prefers to scavenge off people. She also makes everything about her (for example, her GC's successes are down to her genius) and if she wants to do something, you cannot tell her it's not convenient or there's no time, because she has a huge strop.

I didn't speak to her for six months, then I relented because I was never going to get an apology, ever, and now I keep in touch by WhatsApp. My DD doesn't like her much, because of her unfiltered comments on both my and her weight and shape, and the fact DD cannot spend anytime alone with her because they can only do what Mum wants to do. So we only visit once or twice a year for two nights at most. And I pay for a hotel.

Because of restrictions on travel over the past year and my father's illness, we haven't visited for about 15 months. I thought I had a duty to keep her in our lives because DD has a right to know her only Nana, but I know DD isn't too bothered. She completely knows the score.

My mother has mixed race GC and describes them as Spanish. Yes they are Spanish and white English but they are Black too. I said to her, Mum, they are Black. Absolutely not! she insisted. They are white Spanish! Spanish is acceptable, Black is not. She denied their Black heritage.

So WhatsApp it is, and not on a regular basis. When the travel restrictions are lifted we'll visit for a night and that's our duty done for six months. It's a far better life without her selfish and bigoted ways.

Youllbeoldertoo · 10/03/2021 20:00

@dodgeitornot that’s great, you sound lovely. Maybe try and grey rock your mum. Give her no personal info while you still have to see her. www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 20:04

@youllbeoldertoo ooh i haven't heard of this! Thanks

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Parky04 · 10/03/2021 20:07

When my DF struck my DM when I was 15. Haven't spoken to him in 34 years.

Soubriquet · 10/03/2021 20:09

When they started to ignore my son in favour for my daughter because my son looked like my dh who my family despise Sad

Luckily my poor little ds didn’t really know his grandparents as he was the younger child and it was so long ago that he wouldn’t know who they were now

activitythree · 10/03/2021 20:13

It was the day I saw her for what she was, after years of idolising her.

GarlicMonkey · 10/03/2021 20:36

When he welcomed my ex, fresh from prison after a sentence for domestic abuse, into his home like a long lost son because & I quote my father 'well, he'd never done anything to hurt me'.

Vile, abusive, men stick together because they genuinely don't see anything wrong with hurting women & children.

5 years NC before he died. Good riddance.

dodgeitornot · 10/03/2021 22:22

Dear lord @garlicmonkey how awful for you. I

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sweetnessnfight · 10/03/2021 22:32

I'm loyal to my mum but my dad skipped off with another woman 25 years ago and barely looked back. For years I kept in contact but his lack interest and effort eventually got to me last year when he bought presents for neices and nephews but not my kids, and didn't even return my happy new year text. It took him months to realise I'd blocked him... says it all.

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