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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - work gift collections

59 replies

SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 12:07

For a while during Covid, office collections for birthdays, cards, babies etc seemed to grind to a halt as the envelopes could not physically be passed around the office. But now the virtual collection has really got into its stride even though as a team of about 15, we all now WFH.

I know I must be a mean old scrote but I have hardly ever benefitted from these kind endeavours from fellow team members. My 50th birthday passed without any pleasant surprises, I have not had maternity leave or got married etc.

But today comes another request via Whatsapp to contribute to someone's account so they can procure a card and gift, with the proviso please don't feel you need to contribute (sub-text is that if you don't we know who you are, you old miser).

Three of us had a particular event last year (note not birthday, marriage or babies) and I think I got a card but I don't recall any major collection rally. But now the head honcho is having this event, we get the call to donate for a gift, flowers and card (alongside an electric card someone is organising).

There have been quite a few of these (think birthday, marriage and babies) and tbh I am sick of them. In some cases surely a nice card from the team would suffice?

AIBU I am just a mean and sour killjoy or AINBU I'd willingly go without the whole fandango.

Yes I know the person organising it is being very kind to put themselves out, but if they really want to make a gift (and they are on a decent whack) why can't they just fund it themselves and shut up about it?

OP posts:
pepeleputois · 10/03/2021 12:13

YANBU to ignore the request

YABU to be annoyed someone else is doing the work to try to do something nice.

Movedtothedge · 10/03/2021 12:15

I know what you mean - it’s crap sometimes how some people get a lot of fanfare around their significant events while others are barely noticed, if at all.

I went on maternity leave and then decided not to return. After nearly 11 years service to the company I wasn’t even acknowledged as leaving - just for an email from my manager to say good luck for the future from her.

We had many temps over the years for 2-3 months at a time during busy periods and they always got a collection with a card, chocolates or wine, and flowers.

I really do think if it is whether your face fits, or you have particular friends at work who make the effort to organise a collection for you.

DeltaFlyer · 10/03/2021 12:17

I know exactly what you mean;
I contributed to every collection going at my last place so people leaving, getting married, having a major birthday (regular birthday was a bring your own cake occasion) when I had my baby I got nothing so I stopped bothering. I'm sure it wasn't malicious but it certainly does add up when it's all one way.
This was in a large school and there was a (mandatory) custom to pay into a collection for the head and deputy and then your department head. I remember getting a raised eyebrow from the collector once as I couldn't afford more than £3 per person at the time as apparently I should have spent more.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 10/03/2021 12:18

YANBU it has to be fair. You either contribute for all major events (birthdays, weddings, birth) for everyone or no one. Otherwise it can lead to lots of resentment.

Original poster
SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 12:18

I know what you mean - it’s crap sometimes how some people get a lot of fanfare around their significant events while others are barely noticed, if at all.

Yes this sums it up really well for me. It's not really about the money but that some people get a lot of fuss and fanfare and others just don't get noticed. As I said I have not had a marriage or baby but was a bit miffed that my 50th birthday passed everyone by.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 12:22

Actually it is about the money as it's awful if people are being berated for "only" contributing £3 to a collection. In my place the people organising the collections are very well paid and I just think why can't you fund it and say it's from the team - I'd like to think that's what I would do if I were in an elevated position of employment!

OP posts:
Merryhobnobs · 10/03/2021 12:23

I don't like these things either. I made it very clear to my two immediate colleagues that I was uncomfortable with people giving me things. So when I was going off on mat leave they were able to say to the lady who generally organises these things please don't do it. If someone I know well is leaving after a long time I sometimes gift. I bake (in non covid times) for birthdays of immediate colleagues but its really not fair to do these collections when you don't know people's circumstances.

BigPaperBag · 10/03/2021 12:27

I hate this culture of being made to feel like you should contribute. My work now uses pay pool (or whatever it’s called) so you can see who has contributed and how much. I can’t afford to contribute for everyone so don’t contribute at all. I feel like a miser though.

pepeleputois · 10/03/2021 12:30

In my place the people organising the collections are very well paid and I just think why can't you fund it and say it's from the team Hmm

that's ridiculous

Fair enough to disagree on set amounts and amounts that are too high, but no, it's not up to someone earning "more" to pay for everybody else. Everybody has private commitments and priorities, it's one thing to give a 5er or a 10er, another one entirely to be expected to foot the entire bill.

You can contact HR and ask the company to pay for the presents, but it's nonsense to want one person to pay for all.

Brefugee · 10/03/2021 12:31

Ignore and move on. I started a new job during the lockdown and we're all still WFH. at our office location (really big company) they only collect for significant birthdays, new babies or first weddings. I've already bunged a fiver in for a couple of birthdays and a baby of people I've never met. I don't mind, it's a nice company to work for, everyone I've spoken to so far is nice, and i want to stay here for a while.

But I'd have absolutely zero problem not contributing, and in your case, OP, i'd have equally zero problem explaining why if asked.

AnneTwacky · 10/03/2021 12:36

I've noticed over the years that these collections are very selective in who benefits.

Its usually the same people every year, while others can have significant birthdays/ life events go unnoticed and who does and doesn't contribute has little to no bearing on who gets gifts or not.

I prefer to swerve the collections and will get my own card/ gift for anyone I'm close to.

LolaSmiles · 10/03/2021 12:39

One team I worked in did a pot each term and it covered tea, coffee, biscuits, celebration cards and smaller gifts for birthdays. I quite liked that as the person running had a lovely ethos and everyone was included.

In other places I've worked whether you're included depends very much on whether your face fits.

RoseLimeade · 10/03/2021 12:40

You should do what we do. Only do cards for people leaving, and gifts for people going off on mat leave. It sounds simply unworkable to be adding birthdays, other special events, weddings into the mix. Surely there’d be something every week!?

It’s a truly no pressure thing here too, you contribute if you’d like to.

Sometimes I think it’d work better to all put in a monthly tiny amount and then funds cards and gifts from that but that has downsides too as not everyone wants to contribute to everything going or be committed every month. So this is the best way imo.

Don’t ever feel pressured to contribute if you don’t want to, you really won’t be the only one.

Nnameechanged · 10/03/2021 12:45

I feel you, ours is also set at £5, and we're asked to transfer the money then send an email to confirm we've done it. We're not told we have to, but the email confirmation request does come across as a way to make people feel they should. And people tend to do it as a reply all email so you can tell who hasn't.
FWIW I've never been made to feel a part of the team, there's a very definite clique, and I know others feel the same, so we don't contribute (but I've also politely made it clear I don't expect anything myself).

Original poster
SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 12:49

@pepeleputois

In my place the people organising the collections are very well paid and I just think why can't you fund it and say it's from the team Hmm

that's ridiculous

Fair enough to disagree on set amounts and amounts that are too high, but no, it's not up to someone earning "more" to pay for everybody else. Everybody has private commitments and priorities, it's one thing to give a 5er or a 10er, another one entirely to be expected to foot the entire bill.

You can contact HR and ask the company to pay for the presents, but it's nonsense to want one person to pay for all.

Hello Pepeleputois

I don't think we are going to agree on this one. But if I were the one in a senior position on a higher salary, I would say to the team I'm going to buy X for person blah and send around a card for the team to sign. I would not expect people to contribute. But if anyone offered I would thank them and add it to the amount I'd originally plan to spend. But I would not ask for BACs contributions to my bank account - I want to do it, I pay, so in this case I see it as the person earning more should be prepared to pay for everyone else.

OP posts:
lifeinlimbo2020 · 10/03/2021 12:49

I think I'd go with the theory that if I'm not bothered if any of my birthdays etc, go by without fanfare, then I won't bother to contribute but, if you would like to be included in it all then do. No skin off anyone's nose then is it. I think in general it seems to be that any occasion, ever, warrants a card and gift and it drives me potty.

NotMeekNotObedient · 10/03/2021 12:52

It's not fair that some people get and others don't. And if my big event was missed I think I'd feel similarly.

When it was a physical envelope going round you could just put in what you could afford, or nothing, but this online stuff makes that harder.

I have to agree with a PP, if you have friends at work who know the event is coming up its much more likely to get celebrated.

I do think lockdown has perhaps cuased missed events as we haven't been in the office.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 10/03/2021 12:53

@pepeleputois maybe because a lot senior people organising collections for the people above them are su

WhoStoleMyCheese · 10/03/2021 12:56

Sorry silly phone!
The only way I see this working is if someone is put in charge, they have a list of people and birthday/events and every person gets something.
Otherwise - someone hears u it’s someone else’s birthday etc - organises a collection on the spot. Just because some people are more chatty etc and reveal every detail of their lives.
As an aside this is what I love so

WhoStoleMyCheese · 10/03/2021 12:56

Working in a team of mostly men - nobody cares about birthdays or life events

muddyford · 10/03/2021 12:57

I worked for a church for a decade, taking every rôle open to a lay person. When I left, all I got was a scrawled 'thank you' on the bottom of the final copy of the rota by the man who organised it.

pepeleputois · 10/03/2021 13:03

SeeyouontheothersideofCovid

you are absolutely free to be generous of course, but very unreasonable to be generous with someone else's money!

Someone who earns more pays more tax for a start.. and if they suddenly have to pay for every team member, it would add up.

If you feel someone less senior is being forgotten, you can either organise something yourself, or send a reminder to your manager to organise a group collection.

I hate these collections etc, but people get miffed if you don't organise anything. And there's usually one very keen person who loves to deal with that and take it upon themselves before anyone has a chance to do anything.

But absolutely not on to expect someone to pay for everybody because they earn more. They are more senior, they are not the parents in charge.

Original poster
SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 13:04

@lifeinlimbo2020

I think I'd go with the theory that if I'm not bothered if any of my birthdays etc, go by without fanfare, then I won't bother to contribute but, if you would like to be included in it all then do. No skin off anyone's nose then is it. I think in general it seems to be that any occasion, ever, warrants a card and gift and it drives me potty.
Yes that's it, it's every and any occasion it would seem. So now I have a dilemma - don't contribute and be shown up for the miserable and stingy person I am, or contribute grudgingly. Personally I would hate to put other people in this position, hence if I were the senior person organising the collection I would just buy the gift myself (and just ask the team members to sign a card).
OP posts:
Boysnme · 10/03/2021 13:06

@SeeyouontheothersideofCovid

Actually it is about the money as it's awful if people are being berated for "only" contributing £3 to a collection. In my place the people organising the collections are very well paid and I just think why can't you fund it and say it's from the team - I'd like to think that's what I would do if I were in an elevated position of employment!
It would cost me a fortune if I had to fund every special event for my team. There’s no way I’d do this.

I do however always buy them a gift each at Christmas out of my own pocket.

RoseLimeade · 10/03/2021 13:06

Your point re the person earning more being the one to spend on collections is so, so off the mark.

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