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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - work gift collections

59 replies

SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 12:07

For a while during Covid, office collections for birthdays, cards, babies etc seemed to grind to a halt as the envelopes could not physically be passed around the office. But now the virtual collection has really got into its stride even though as a team of about 15, we all now WFH.

I know I must be a mean old scrote but I have hardly ever benefitted from these kind endeavours from fellow team members. My 50th birthday passed without any pleasant surprises, I have not had maternity leave or got married etc.

But today comes another request via Whatsapp to contribute to someone's account so they can procure a card and gift, with the proviso please don't feel you need to contribute (sub-text is that if you don't we know who you are, you old miser).

Three of us had a particular event last year (note not birthday, marriage or babies) and I think I got a card but I don't recall any major collection rally. But now the head honcho is having this event, we get the call to donate for a gift, flowers and card (alongside an electric card someone is organising).

There have been quite a few of these (think birthday, marriage and babies) and tbh I am sick of them. In some cases surely a nice card from the team would suffice?

AIBU I am just a mean and sour killjoy or AINBU I'd willingly go without the whole fandango.

Yes I know the person organising it is being very kind to put themselves out, but if they really want to make a gift (and they are on a decent whack) why can't they just fund it themselves and shut up about it?

OP posts:

Lockdownlumpy · 10/03/2021 13:07

Agree with this. I used to contribute to everything going. Within our department of 10, 3 female colleagues went on mat leave in the few years before me. All received a gift card of approx £50 and champagne to wet the baby's head. Then I went on mat leave and I didn't even get a card.

Original poster

SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 13:11

That's very nice of you, Boysnme, to buy a gift for your team out of your own pocket. I'm sure your generosity goes a long way and your team hopefully appreciates it (I certainly would).

But that begs the question why we feel compelled to buy gifts all the time, when often surely a nice card signed by the whole team would be good enough for most events? Especially as we can see on this thread that some people do feel pressured into contributing more than they are comfortable with.

OP posts:

MadeOfStarStuff · 10/03/2021 13:13

YANBU

I don’t care that I don’t get work collections for my birthdays, I deliberately don’t tell people when it is. But it does annoy me that some people who would like a bit of fuss don’t get anything year after year while the same few people always get collections and fuss for them.

Downthisroad · 10/03/2021 13:30

Apart from the obligation, I don't like it as it can feel a bit playgroundy with the popular colleagues getting ££££ and others maybe only getting £.

Much better when companies give a set amount based on length of service. Makes it less awkward for all involved, including the recipient.

pepeleputois · 10/03/2021 13:31

But that begs the question why we feel compelled to buy gifts all the time,

because some people tend to be very generous with other colleague's money

TopTabby · 10/03/2021 13:53

I always contributed & a massive fuss was made of our office manager's 'big' birthday: flowers, jewellery, cake, drinks, decorations.
I never expected such a fuss for my own big birthday but I thought I'd get a bunch of flowers or something. Nope, nothing.
A few months later the other office manager was 30 & we received email requests for bank transfers to make her day special.
Er, no thanks. I'm nice but not that nice or stupid. All emails are ignored, if anyone ever says anything I'll explain but doubt anyone will!

Original poster

SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 13:59

@pepeleputois

But that begs the question why we feel compelled to buy gifts all the time,

because some people tend to be very generous with other colleague's money

Quite so, Pepeleputois

So person X in the team decides that seeing as not-so-special event is happening for the big boss that wouldn't it be a nice idea to get gift and flowers - but ask everyone else to pay for it (that's being very generous with other colleagues' money!)

OP posts:

Pumpkinandseeds · 10/03/2021 14:11

I think it depends on the culture of your team. When I first moved into my team I found out every one continues £7 to birthday funds which I felt was quite a lot but figured I would get the same for my birthday, which I did and I felt truly spoilt. I don't however think people should be "forced" into contributing, nor do I think those earning more should fund the lot.

Out of interest what was the event you didn't get anything for? The only thing I can think of is a work anniversary or long service award? But these should be funded by the company rather than staff...

Original poster

SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 14:22

Hello Pumpkinandseeds

I'm afraid I cannot disclose the event as it would be outing, but it was not a work anniversary or long service award.

OP posts:

Exhausted4ever · 10/03/2021 14:36

In my old team they did a birthday club where everyone contributed the same amount for each birthday, I did it one year but decided I'd rather just keep the money and treat myself on my birthday instead of getting something someone else thought I'd like, who frankly didn't really know me.
I still used to contribute to collections when people were ill /grieving /leaving etc but when I was looked at like an alien when I refused to contribute to someones collection who had made it perfectly clear they hated me I decided to just give up with them all. My new team don't seem to do anything for birthdays and no ones had a big event since my joining. I'll be going on mat leave soon and don't expect to get anything and I'm OK with that, I'd rather that than the what felt like weekly requests for this or that collection

Orangebitters · 10/03/2021 15:37

It feels like a bigger deal now that collections are electronic. When the card & envelope physically came round in the office, no one ever had any cash to contribute & it ended up with a couple of measly pounds in there. Now that it’s online, most collections I’ve done have ended up with lots of very generous contributions (especially from senior team.)

Original poster

SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 10/03/2021 15:47

Yes, I think some of our collections have garnered £100 plus.

OP posts:

Knitterbabe · 10/03/2021 15:50

School I worked at had a system whereby £10 was taken out of salary in September and put into ‘staff fund’. This was used for card and flowers if you were off ill for more then a few days, card and flowers on birth of baby ( mum or dad), card and wine/flowers on ‘big’ birthdays, gift voucher for weddings etc. On leaving you would get gifts of choice or vouchers to the value of £10 per year of employment, so got your investment back . Worked very well indeed.
It was possible to opt out, but people rarely did.

Boysnme · 10/03/2021 20:51

@SeeyouontheothersideofCovid

That's very nice of you, Boysnme, to buy a gift for your team out of your own pocket. I'm sure your generosity goes a long way and your team hopefully appreciates it (I certainly would).

I do it because my team work hard and deserve it.

Everyone should be able to choose what they want to contribute to and what they don’t with no pressure. I always contribute to team gifts too because I am happy to and want to, I don’t for one minute feel the need to pay for every event that happens. That’s just bonkers.

woodhill · 10/03/2021 20:53

I understand as well. It's all very one sided

Notaroadrunner · 10/03/2021 21:01

I'd simply ignore the message and I wouldn't contribute. They'll hardly come after you for a contribution. Maybe others don't contribute either. Just take a stand and hopefully they'll stop asking.

Saltyflowers · 10/03/2021 21:08

I understand where you are coming from op and I think this is the perfect time to bow out
Just blame Covid and make your excuses . don’t worry about being seen as a miser. No one will care and you’re probably not the only one who feels like this

Lonelyflower80 · 10/03/2021 21:29

YANBU. I was asked to contribute £10-20 to a guy who had literally just joined the team whose wife was having a baby. I felt a bit put out as I had been working with him for only 2 weeks and the company gives employees a money gift when they have a baby as well so he was getting that. Plus I've never been given - or expected - a present for my major life events while in this team.

Original poster

SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 11/03/2021 08:03

@Notaroadrunner

I'd simply ignore the message and I wouldn't contribute. They'll hardly come after you for a contribution. Maybe others don't contribute either. Just take a stand and hopefully they'll stop asking.

Oh but they will! A few months ago someone said they were buying a gift for someone's special event (and for some reason i did not pick up on the whatsapp asking for contributions) - so I foolishly assumed said colleague was picking up the tab themselves (yes I know, naive or what?)

A few days later comes the whatsapp saying I had not made paid my contribution. I was genuinely horrified as could not recollect being asked for one, so I asked the sender how much people were giving. Then there was a protracted exchange of "offer whatever you feel comfortable with" etc etc ...Okay it was very good of this person to organise it all and front the costs but the interaction about it all felt a bit odd and made me feel uncomfortable. Yes of course I contributed with profuse apologies for not doing this before. However had it been me in this position I would have let it go if one person did not contribute!

OP posts:

M4J4 · 11/03/2021 08:07

I stopped contributing years ago, it’s incredibly liberating!

Just stop quietly and of anyone says anything say ‘Oh i wasn’t sure if everyone is expected to contribute as I’ve never received flowers on anything.’

Original poster

SeeyouontheothersideofCovid · 11/03/2021 08:29

Ok, maybe it should go like this.

Person A decides the team should make a gift to person B to celebrate their whatever. Funny how it's always seems to be someone in middle or senior management who jumps in to do this rather than the junior team members

Person A then invites team members to contribute (but is prepared to take it on the chin if people don't and not harass them individually). I really think the invitation should be just that - an invitation to contribute if you want to. No one knows the true extent of individuals' circumstances and I think it's dreadful that people are auto expected to contribute as mandatory - eg one poster above mentioned being asked for donation of £10-15 for new staff member who had only been in post for 2 weeks.

OP posts:

Ludoole · 11/03/2021 08:37

I work night shift and there's only 2 of us working that shift. I only see some of the others when I clock on and off but I'm always asked to contribute to a collection. I don't even know most of the people!!

M4J4 · 11/03/2021 08:39

Also, contributing to an actual bank account is so weird.

There are websites that allow you to make anonymous donations (with a card). Surely that would be better?

M4J4 · 11/03/2021 08:40

@Ludoole funny how they remember you when they need funds! I hooe you don’t contribute.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 11/03/2021 08:48

@SeeyouontheothersideofCovid are these contributions gufts forbsenior team members as well or junior ones that are favourites?
It’s odd, where I work organising collections etc would fall to the most junior person...why are experienced people wasting their time with this

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