Am I being too possessive of DS?

[Squish3]

Perfectly happy to be laid into if I’m being unreasonable 🙈😅

DS is now 4months old. Obviously due to lockdown he hasn’t had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with the extended family. We’ve been doing what we can to meet for socially distanced walks with DSs grandparents/aunties etc so that they can at least see him if nothing else. But realistically he doesn’t know them at this stage.

I’m getting so sick of family telling me what they’re doing with him after lockdown rather than asking 😳 comments from grandparents like “on Tuesdays after covid, when I have him for my day...” - why would he be spending the day with you on a Tuesday? Yes it’s your day off work, but no, that doesn’t automatically mean you get to take DS for the day 🙄
“I’ve bought a wee crib and some bits and pieces for when I he comes for his overnights with Granny in summer” - he’ll be 7/8 months old, which in my opinion isn’t old enough for overnights 🤷🏻‍♀️
“I’ve signed him up for baby swimming lessons on a Thursday with me so that I can teach him to swim after lockdown” - lovely to want to do activities but maybe that’s something we wanted to do as parents?

Obviously it goes without saying that it’s lovely that people want to spend time with him. There are clearly far worse problems in the world 😅 but it’s really starting to grate on me that people just assume that they can dictate what time they get 😳 when I explain my feelings on these situations I’m told that I’m being too possessive. Am I? Both sets of GP say that they should be entitled to AT LEAST one day a week, but preferably an overnight with him 😳 He will absolutely get to spend as much time as possible with family after restrictions are lifted but surely the right thing to do is ask if there’s something you want to do with our child instead of just telling me that’s what you’re doing 🤷🏻‍♀️🙈 this is from both sides of the family btw so not just another MIL bashing post 🤣

NBU.

I would hate that.

It would be ok if they asked, but the fact they are telling you is another

Besides I would want to do baby swim classes with my own baby

No you are definitely not too possessive. What a ridiculous thing to say.
Mine are both teenagers now but they didn't stay overnight with anyone until they were 3 or 4 and they didnt have a day with grandparents as they all worked FT and mine went to nursery. We would see the grandparents at weekends but us parents would be there too for a couple of hours.
Your baby your rules and you get to decide what, when and how often. Booking swimming lessons! Err I dont think so. You need to speak out and stay firm.

They are being totally unreasonable. Your baby your decision what you’re comfortable with. Just respond with a firm we shall see when the time comes

They’re probably just over excited and trying to be helpful?

You and ds need to be less available
. Your day off? Baby swim /soft play. Weekends? Family plans with dh and ds...
Slot them in when is convenient for you.. Not them.

God. How weird! Have they been like this before?

I think they are just being over exited, which is sweet - but it is also rude not to talk to you about what works for you.

I would just say, well we’ll have to settle him into a new routine after lockdown, whenever anyone suggests anything.

I think it’s too young for ONs unless you needed the help - he’s not going to get anything out of it, and might be confusing. Ditto 2 full days a week is fine, but only if it’s what you want. You will probably want some time off as lockdown lifts and he gets bigger so figure out what suits you and suggest it in a positive way. I wouldn’t stop them taking him to baby swim if the time slot suits you - nothing to stop you taking him as well.

@JKDcot I have just been telling them exactly how I feel about the situation 🙈 so it’s been causing a few issues! I know they’re just desperate to spend time with him which is lovely but it’s a bit full on 🙈

@B33Fr33 never been like this before!! If I’m honest, both DH and I rarely ever heard from our parents unless we made the effort to contact them before we had DS. Eg...we bought our house 5 years ago and each set of parents had only visited us at our house once since we moved in 🙈 we live 5/10 mins from each! It’s a first grandchild on all sides so a new situation for everyone!

He hardly knows them and he'd be going to other people for a third of his time? You are not unreasonable, stay firm!

Wow that's intense. Maybe if you say what you were thinking of that might calm things down? Like you could say you were hoping a couple of times a month they might want to take him out.

Jesus no, YANBU.
They've bought a crib for when he has overnights? Without even asking you if he ever will. They've booked themself in to teach him to swim, please tell me you replied "well I was planning on teaching my own son to swim, actually." Bonkers.

Just keep saying no, firm boundaries, don't give in when they pester. Your kid doesn't leave you until you want him to.

@someonelockthefridgealready Oh, it definitely won’t be happening 🤣 I just wasn’t sure if that was me being unreasonable or not! He’ll speaks as much time as possible with family WITH DH or myself or both once covid is over but I won’t be leaving him with anyone alone! Poor wee guy wouldn’t know what was going on!
@MuddleMoo I feel like I’m spending every conversation trying to manage their expectations 🙈😳 they’ve all been told they’ll get as much time as we can manage but doesn’t seem to be good enough!!

Explain to each individual that if you were to follow their wishes you would never see your child...a night at each grandparents is 2 nights a week...full day at each grandparent is 2 days in week...swimming another day...break it down for and ask them do they think it is reasonable to take a child from its mother for so long at such a young age...close it down...tell them because of the demands you are getting in all directions you are not allowing your child to spend overnights anywhere...that swimming is a bounding activity with mum...throw them a couple of hours a week each..end of...your child your rules...

That should read bonding activity🤦‍♀️

Ha, I sympathise! My DD is 6 months and my SIL has just changed her car for a bigger model 'to fit the buggy in' (it fit in the previous one) and is stockpiling things at her house for imagined future use i.e. car seat, mirror to see baby in rear facing car seat, high chair. She's delusional as once I return to work, weekends will be the only days I get to spend with DD so there's no chance of her having her for a day.

[quote Squish3]@someonelockthefridgealready Oh, it definitely won’t be happening 🤣 I just wasn’t sure if that was me being unreasonable or not! He’ll speaks as much time as possible with family WITH DH or myself or both once covid is over but I won’t be leaving him with anyone alone! Poor wee guy wouldn’t know what was going on!
@MuddleMoo I feel like I’m spending every conversation trying to manage their expectations 🙈😳 they’ve all been told they’ll get as much time as we can manage but doesn’t seem to be good enough!![/quote]
Sounds awful. Hopefully after COVID restrictions ease they might calm down a bit.

They sound utterly ridiculous and YANBU at all. I would have laughed out loud at the swimming classes especially. Hope you told them to cancel sharpish.

This is really typical of those relatives who don't give a monkey's until there's a baby on the scene, and then suddenly family relationships are their number one priority and you're mistreating your child if you don't give them unlimited days with overbearing Aunt Kath or whoever. (Absolutely no offence meant to anyone called Kath!)

I also find it weird that family members seem to want a) overnight stays in particular (why? They're sleeping at night. You get more interaction in the day surely) and b) time with baby WITHOUT PARENT. Why?? It's very weird.

In a nutshell you are not unreasonable and I hope you develop an all-encompassing hobby that means you are suddenly a lot busier!

My eldest didn't stay out overnight until she could walk and talk and use the loo. I was lucky in that I had my second at breakfast time, and didn't need overnight care. I don't know if it was to do with being an older mum, or geographically separated from grandparents, but I never had the urge for them to be away overnight. I never stayed overnight as a child so it wasn't my normal.
I can understand why you might want a night out (,and I had those, I went to 2 weddings that were really close to the in-laws, so they had the kids and we stayed there afterwards!) but I've never understood sending them out just to chill and watch telly. Mine had a decent bedtime routine, which I didn't want disturbing!

You're definitely not being unreasonable! Although it's lovely your family want to spend time with your little one I think most parents would feel the same way you do - especially the swimming lesson situation!

I think a lot of the time grandparents can see quantity over quality in terms of time.

@MyLittleOrangutan Yeah I have no problem with having firm boundaries 🤷🏻‍♀️ DH thinks I’m being argumentative just because I enjoy an argument 🤣 he’s very “anything for an easy life” which is just not me🙈
MIL was firmly told to cancel the swimming lessons because we’ll be teaching him. I have no problem with her coming swimming with us out with lessons sometimes if she’d like to do that but the assumption of taking him for lessons was too much for me!! The same happened with his pram etc when I was pregnant - she wanted to buy it but not in a “I’d really love to help you out with the cost of the pram” kind of way. I mentioned in conversation one day that we had an appt booked at a pram shop during lockdown and the reply was “I’ll be buying my first grandchilds pram - I’ve already seen one that’s perfect” 🙄 needless to say, I paid for and picked his pram 🤣🙈

Stand firm OP. I had this to a lesser extent. Polite but firm is the way to manage it.

I've always envied people who have keen grandparents as our DPs have been pretty useless, express very little interest in our children and don't really know them at all, but this would drive me insane. He's not a toy for their amusement!

@NotPaloma 🤣🤣🤣 what a lovely waste of money for her 🤣 MIL bought a new car when I was 16 weeks pregnant so she had a bigger boot for a pram 🙈 also asked me to teach her how to use our car seat for when she has him. She bought an isofix for his infant car seat and took great delight in showing me that she had installed it all ready for him arriving....in the front seat of her car 😳😬 when I told her that - 1. He likely wouldn’t be in her car in an infant seat and 2. He certainly wouldn’t be in it in the front seat 🙈 she took the huff. Told me she’d rather he was in the front so she could see him better so that’s where he’d be in her car 🙈

Just keep asking them why they don't want to see you and dh? It seems they want the baby to play with as a new toy. Probably because he can't talk back or run away.
They do sound overbearing and autocratic.
It would be lovely for them to build up a relationship with him but I bet once the novelty wears off they will be suddenly busy on their days off and can't possibly do an emergency babysit for you.
Stick to your guns but maybe try to be less argumentative. Perhaps just say you are not ready to be apart yet but you would love to go to the farm altogether.

Well that’s a very good reason not to let him in your car!