Am I being too possessive of DS?

[Squish3]

Perfectly happy to be laid into if I’m being unreasonable 🙈😅

DS is now 4months old. Obviously due to lockdown he hasn’t had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with the extended family. We’ve been doing what we can to meet for socially distanced walks with DSs grandparents/aunties etc so that they can at least see him if nothing else. But realistically he doesn’t know them at this stage.

I’m getting so sick of family telling me what they’re doing with him after lockdown rather than asking 😳 comments from grandparents like “on Tuesdays after covid, when I have him for my day...” - why would he be spending the day with you on a Tuesday? Yes it’s your day off work, but no, that doesn’t automatically mean you get to take DS for the day 🙄
“I’ve bought a wee crib and some bits and pieces for when I he comes for his overnights with Granny in summer” - he’ll be 7/8 months old, which in my opinion isn’t old enough for overnights 🤷🏻‍♀️
“I’ve signed him up for baby swimming lessons on a Thursday with me so that I can teach him to swim after lockdown” - lovely to want to do activities but maybe that’s something we wanted to do as parents?

Obviously it goes without saying that it’s lovely that people want to spend time with him. There are clearly far worse problems in the world 😅 but it’s really starting to grate on me that people just assume that they can dictate what time they get 😳 when I explain my feelings on these situations I’m told that I’m being too possessive. Am I? Both sets of GP say that they should be entitled to AT LEAST one day a week, but preferably an overnight with him 😳 He will absolutely get to spend as much time as possible with family after restrictions are lifted but surely the right thing to do is ask if there’s something you want to do with our child instead of just telling me that’s what you’re doing 🤷🏻‍♀️🙈 this is from both sides of the family btw so not just another MIL bashing post 🤣

You are the parents and it's up to you. Some families choose to overnight their children from a very young age, some do no overnights until school age or even later. Both are fine, it is YOUR choice and don't be bullied about this. They've had their turn having babies - this is your baby and therefore you make the decisions.

@HeartsAndClubs

It baffles me that anyone would want to have a baby overnight and all that involves - nappies, bottles, waking several times a night. Most parents wish that they didn’t have to do it, so why in God’s name anyone would actively pursue the idea is beyond me.

When you love a child and you’re not doing it all the time it actually is quite a treat to be able to do that kind of thing tbh. I never looked after my baby nephews overnight but I’d have absolutely jumped at the chance tbh, and they were a 100 mile round trip away. My sister in law adored my son like he’s her own and jumps at the chance to do all of the messy everyday things with him when she’s here: she loves changing his nappy and cleaning him in the bath and giving him his bottle. When you love a child you want to be close to them. And it’s a pleasure to care for them. As well as being a novelty!

We had a very different experience, our children used to go and stay with my parents from very early on. Months old. They went separately and loved it. Both then enjoyed our company or Gparents company without competition for a time. As they got older they had conversations about where granny had taken them or speaking to their neighbours.
It gave children an appreciation of things that were different. They were regularly taken on a bus, no big deal, just different.
Yes, you have a problem with the proposed timetabling but that will all calm down in a few weeks or so.
Stay cool and enjoy.

I relate to this so much! My baby is almost 4 months and my partners parents are like this, I have a 10 year old son as well and on his birthday they were texting my partner asking him to just pop round with the baby to his Nans as the whole family were there and would like to see her. She was a week old, we’d been home for a day from quite a traumatic few days and we were in lockdown! I had to point out she’s not a toy and is actually a vulnerable little baby, COVID was rife in our area so no we won’t be popping round to mix with multiple households.
Part of me’s dreading lockdown starting to lift as I know they’ll be banging the door down ASAP feeling entitled to have her as and when they want.

Mine stayed over with GPs young and even I think that’s ridiculous.

Stick to your guns. Say no to things you’re not comfortable with. Encourage the things you are.

Also keep reviewing as you go as what you’re comfortable with, and what your DC will enjoy will change very quickly.

They sound so rude.

It sounds like you are thankfully well able but your husband sounds like a bit of a wuss.

Only on MN have I heard of batshit Grandparents, in real life thankfully I have never come across it.
The opposite actually.

Could it be with lovkdown boredom they are just distracting themselves?

Either way, none of mine went anywhere with anyone when they were small.

Babies need their parents......unless the parents would like otherwise!

So when do you get time with YOUR son? What was the grandparent situation when you and DH were growing up, did you see them as often as your parents/in laws are demanding? Of course you are possessive he is YOUR baby not theirs. If they want to play with a baby buy them a doll.

I think the assumptions and tone are annoying, but I'd be careful about throwing out the baby with the bathwater as it were. It's nice that they want to engage with him. So just booking swimming without discussing it is weird and rude. But actually, your DS doing a swimming lesson with a grandparent could actually be lovely and a great way for him to bond and learn to swim at the same time.

MIL doesn't live near by so we didn't have this but we did have a couple of assumptions that I had to put breaks on, but it worked because I always made it clear that I wasn't against her doing things with/for the DC, I just needed to know about it as I may have already made plans etc. The cat bum face when I told her that no, she would not be buying the children's bicycles....! (not because I had an issue with her buying them , but because I had ALREADY bought them and gone through the effort of sourcing and paying for them and I was not about to hand that off to her and then rush around finding new "big" presents from me and DH). But now she'll ask in advance and it's all good and I really appreciate her willingness to take part in the big things - eg she bought all DS' skateboard accessories last year which was fantastic.

I would be pissed of sbout the baby swimming - don’t they think you might want to do that yourself? I’d also be saying “no” to overnights.

With the “one day a week with each grandparent”, it depends on what you are planning on doing re: return to work. I’d tell them that, since you haven’t had the chance to do anything else with him during lockdown, that isn’t happening while you’re on maternity leave. But if they want to take him for a day after you’ve returned to work, I wouldn’t have any issue with that.

I suppose the only risk is that they get bored after a week or two and decide they can’t be arsed any more, leaving you with no childcare. So I’d want assurances they could commit to at least six months, and would give you two months’ notice if they want to stop. You know your own parents well enough to know whether that is likely (DM would never do that, DFIL would do that as soon as it inconvenienced him).

Id love to know who voted YABU, without standing behind their vote & actually posting!

YADNBU. I'm glad you won't be bullied into it, as many are.

I TOTALLY understand to want to have/look after the kids instead of just visiting as it develops a much closer relationship, and grandparents asking/offering is lovely, but it's up to the actual parents to decide if/when/how often and for the grandparents to agree or decline. NOT for the grandparents to TELL the parents what will be happening!!

You need to discuss this properly with DH & make sure he's inside and stops telling you you just want an argument. I'm sure he's saying it in jest at the moment, but these things become ingrained! He needs to take it seriously and have a word with his parents before you end up telling them to back the fuck off snd you need to be clear & firm with yours, tell them they are making you not want to talk to them as it's too much.

MIL would not be having my child alone if she decided to go against my car seat/safety. Not a fucking chance.

Stay strong - get the bloody lot of them TOLD!! Before it really destroys your sanity/MH

I would hate this as well. Your baby, your rules. My PIL have offered to watch my 3month old as i have a couple of appointments coming up. I don't mind them offering as its up to us and they won't be offended if we say no. I would hate if they just expected and demanded to watch my baby. But just means that my DH would have to be on hand (WFH so he can be if needed) as they may struggle with lifting and moving him around (baby not DH ). They did offer to watch him overnight as there was potentially an invite to a wedding this year (before covid came) but would be a definite no as i don't think they could manage my baby overnight. My own parents have not offered to watch him as they are 3hrs away.

It's nice they want to be involved, but grandparents don't get to dictate to parents what will be happening regarding their grandchildren.

Hopefully it's just a case of overexcitement, but your DP needs to be on the same page as you otherwise you'll have years of conflict when DP rolls over for an easy life and you're left trying to have boundaries.

Thanks everyone 😊 I really am looking forward to being able to spend lots of time with family after this is all over...but it will be us all together rather than DS being sent off with other people.
My DH works offshore for 3/4weeks at a time then is home for 3/4weeks so I’m already very conscious of DS growing up with Daddy being away for weeks at a time. So I feel very strongly about giving him lots of consistency with me being here and him not staying over in different houses multiple times a week etc.
Everyone has offered childcare when I go back to work which is lovely and will be an amazing help. I’m not due back until he’s a year old so I don’t feel the need for those regular days to start at 7 or so months - although, perhaps a few weeks before I start work to give him the chance to settle into the routine. The main childcare will come from my sister though who will look after him in our house which is amazing.

@LolaSmiles DH would always stick up for me and agree with whatever I said to both sets of GPs 😊 I know that won’t be an issue 😊 it’s just when we leave them/hang up the phone that he rolls his eyes and tells me I love an argument 🙈🙈🤣

Yanbu!

YANBU, my first is a little over a year old and he's been away overnight once, as partner and I were in hospital having our second. I don't plan on them having overnights without reason anytime soon.

No-one expects anything of us which is good, but don't be afraid to say no if you're not comfortable with something - it's your baby so them being annoyed would be very much their own problem!

My mum is a very, very dangerous driver and although I wouldn't say that to her, I'd never allow her to drive my kids, even with me there. On the other hand, in-laws are very cautious and drive as part of their occupations, so I would have no qualms with them doing it.

We do keep things fair, but my parents have become far too overbearing recently (they always have been, but it's now to the point it's upsetting me quite a bit), so I've had to cut down on contact, and in-laws have been a breath of fresh air, much more laid back and not at all invasive.

Oh hell no, no, wouldn't be having that. You're not possessive, they are! The thought might just be keeping them going though and in reality, they might realise its not practical. Maybe they're just day dreaming about all the nice things they'll do. But I'm with you, ask don't tell!

Squish3
That's good to hear. Apologies if I sounded negative. There's been too many threads where the husband hasn't backed his wife and she ended up being the bad guy. At least he backs you up.

@LolaSmiles Haha, not at all 😊 I’ve seen lots of threads like that myself. He’d argue and back me up until he was blue in the face over things that he know are important to me etc. He’s just a fan of an easy life so if he can avoid an argument then he likes to 🤣🙈