Am I being too possessive of DS?

[Squish3]

Perfectly happy to be laid into if I’m being unreasonable 🙈😅

DS is now 4months old. Obviously due to lockdown he hasn’t had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with the extended family. We’ve been doing what we can to meet for socially distanced walks with DSs grandparents/aunties etc so that they can at least see him if nothing else. But realistically he doesn’t know them at this stage.

I’m getting so sick of family telling me what they’re doing with him after lockdown rather than asking 😳 comments from grandparents like “on Tuesdays after covid, when I have him for my day...” - why would he be spending the day with you on a Tuesday? Yes it’s your day off work, but no, that doesn’t automatically mean you get to take DS for the day 🙄
“I’ve bought a wee crib and some bits and pieces for when I he comes for his overnights with Granny in summer” - he’ll be 7/8 months old, which in my opinion isn’t old enough for overnights 🤷🏻‍♀️
“I’ve signed him up for baby swimming lessons on a Thursday with me so that I can teach him to swim after lockdown” - lovely to want to do activities but maybe that’s something we wanted to do as parents?

Obviously it goes without saying that it’s lovely that people want to spend time with him. There are clearly far worse problems in the world 😅 but it’s really starting to grate on me that people just assume that they can dictate what time they get 😳 when I explain my feelings on these situations I’m told that I’m being too possessive. Am I? Both sets of GP say that they should be entitled to AT LEAST one day a week, but preferably an overnight with him 😳 He will absolutely get to spend as much time as possible with family after restrictions are lifted but surely the right thing to do is ask if there’s something you want to do with our child instead of just telling me that’s what you’re doing 🤷🏻‍♀️🙈 this is from both sides of the family btw so not just another MIL bashing post 🤣

@nanbread honestly, I’m surprised by them! They’ve shown very little interest in me or DH. Neither of us is particularly close to our parents. My own mum for example tells me she “always preferred being a ‘hands off’ mum” 🙄 I’m sure they’re all just wanting the time with DS for unlimited bragging rights. They’re the “boast on FB” type people 🙄 it’s already an issue that I’ve asked that his picture isn’t plastered all over the internet 🙈

They're not entitled to anything.

I would absolutely hate it if someone signed up my child to baby swimming classes!

This whole post just makes me feel cross on your behalf thinking about it... you're definitely not being possessive in the slightest, they sound pushy and entitled.

YADNBU. Going through this with our almost 9m old.

My dad has started hinting at over night stays and telling me how his partners daughter let them have the grandchild to stay over when he was X Y Z age so we can start with your DC too then.

oh yeah kk. Big fat NO I love cuddling my DC all night long 😂🙊

All those examples are pushy to me. Growing up and with my own kids at this age we'd just do things with extended family together like us all going for a visit or to the park for example. The grandparents but a few baby items for their place to save us having to bring things but furnishing a whole room as a nursery is weird and the idea of expecting other people to loan their kids out to you is very strange to me.

Of course yanbu! Nice that people are excited to see him but if you think it’s appropriate to tell a parent what you’ll be doing with their child then you’ve got a bit muddled up.

[quote Squish3]@nanbread honestly, I’m surprised by them! They’ve shown very little interest in me or DH. Neither of us is particularly close to our parents. My own mum for example tells me she “always preferred being a ‘hands off’ mum” 🙄 I’m sure they’re all just wanting the time with DS for unlimited bragging rights. They’re the “boast on FB” type people 🙄 it’s already an issue that I’ve asked that his picture isn’t plastered all over the internet 🙈[/quote]
Oh god I hate that. My mum didn’t want to take any photos until she had put her boden clothes on. What a fucking knob. Visiting grandson for the first time too.

Do what ever you feel comfortable with.

@ttigerlilly

They're not entitled to anything.

I would absolutely hate it if someone signed up my child to baby swimming classes!

This whole post just makes me feel cross on your behalf thinking about it... you're definitely not being possessive in the slightest, they sound pushy and entitled.

Same! That’s something I want to do with him. I’d be mouth agape if someone signed up him to anything without asking me first.

Plus even though I’m a really relaxed chilled parent I would feel uncomfortable with him in the water with someone other than us and without us around.

Just say no to it all. Go and visit them with the baby but there's no need for them to have any sole charge care unless you want it.
My in laws are like this... really possessive of the baby as if she's theirs. She is not theirs and I don't think that being left with them will be in her best interests for various reasons, therefore it won't be happening at least for a good few years. Am happy to facilitate a relationship but not giving them full responsibility.
Similar to you, I didn't know them well before the baby was born, short visits 2 or 3 times a year type of thing. Now they want to camp out at our house!

I’m a few years on from this, although my family were never quite so rude about it. Funnily enough the reality of an actual live, mobile, messy, often crying infant that was emotionally attached to someone else (ie they weren’t Mummy) wasn’t as attractive as they thought and they’ll admit now that at their age they don’t really want overnight responsibility for a baby/toddler in nappies. They just got carried away with excitement and perhaps reliving the excitement of their own new babies and they enjoyed buying stuff (now gone to a local baby bank so hopefully someone will get some use from it). They saw a lot of my children, with me, pre covid and I hope will again and they have a fantastic and involved relationship but I can count the number of sleepovers on the fingers of one hand. The kids are now mid/early primary age so far more self sufficient and I’d say it’s only now my parents would be comfortable taking them for an extended period without me.

Basically, I’d wait and see what happens. My hunch is a lot of it is a reaction to current restrictions and excitement around a baby in the family.

YANBU at all. He is yours and DHs son and you make the decisions. If no one likes it, then tough. I would especially stand firm if they hadn't bothered with you before. Once he is out of the baby stage I am sure it will start being to much for them and they will stop wanting him as much.

I’m usually very much of the ‘it takes a village’ and ‘take all the help you can get’ mindset but even I think this sounds a bit much! You’ve already been robbed of a lot of experiences by covid, you might want to do some of it yourself! And it’s not fair for you to have your time dictated by others. It feels suffocating.

It might just be a) novelty of a new baby and b) effect of lockdown - I've got so many plans written out on my phone of everything I'm going to do/places to go once lockdown over - most likely will never do them!

I wouldn't have allowed overnights at that age unless you are desperate for a break 🤣 - fair enough then having a day each Though - make the most of it and think about how much you'll save on nursery fees! Trust me after a few weeks they'll suddenly be telling you they are busy

What a strange way to behave, YANBU and I actually think both sets of grandparents are being extremely rude.

He is your son and you decide when you are comfortable for him to spend the night away from you. If they want to have him for a day that is lovely of course but they shouldn't just presume they should ask?? Isn't that just common courtesy? 😅

Oh @Squish3 I'd hate this. My DS is really close to my mum but he's never stayed overnight, he's 2! I have a 5 month old too, it's hard at the moment because people can't see them like they normally would but please don't feel pressured into anything you don't want to do!

My mum helps out with childcare, she lives 5 mins away and is a massive help! My PIL live much further away, and aren't very hands on so wouldn't cope with a small baby.

You need to establish boundaries ASAP, it's great you want to be involved etc but it's on our terms!

YANBU. The only thing I would say is that remember it comes from a place of loving your son, and that in future you will really appreciate their help.

I would book a baby class for the day they plan to take him and say, ‘That’s so sweet but we have a mums and babies class that day. However it would be great if you could pop round and look after him in the house so I can get some chores done/pop to the shops in the afternoon’ etc etc

Basically allocate them a little slot so they know they will be spending regular time with their grandchild, but make it on terms you’re comfortable with.

As time goes on you will feel more relaxed about them looking after him, will be very useful if you have a medical appointment/girls night out etc

I had a child when I was quite young and as a result ended up with 6 doting aunties and uncles and two sets of grandparents all vying to do the sort of fun things that DH and I really wanted to do ourselves. The upshot is that my child has an amazing close relationship with the extended family, but I completely get the needing to protect your own time with your child and not having everyone else steam in and get to do all the fun and special stuff. Best advice I can give is to say “oh well we quite fancied doing that ourselves actually” as soon as the thing is first mentioned.

Send them my way please. I would love my kids to be taken swimming etc. I would sit down, with a hot cupa and watch shit on tv!

Why should only one person swim with him? Couldn't multiple people take him swimming, at different times. Surely the more swimming the better?

Sooo weird. Why the desperation to spend time with your baby without his parents there?? Unless I really need some childcare, my parents see my children when I’m there too! Why wouldn’t they?!

I'd hate this.

Oh god, my husband's the same! 🤣
Glad you're sticking to your guns. My MIL is passively aggressively saying that I won't let her look after our baby because of all the stories I've heard of her parenting, she's right so I just laugh and change the subject!

@RandomLondoner ohh I agree, the more the better! I’m more than happy for them to do activities with him etc once he’s comfortable spending time with them 😊 it was more the assumption that she could book him into swimming lessons with her without asking first!

My FIL told me that it was 'completely ridiculous' that I didn't want my 16mo (at the time) DD to stay with anyone else overnight (not only was she still breastfed at the time but she also has developmental delays which makes her quite challenging to look after in various ways). He said it was an example of mothers wanting to keep their children as babies for too long .

If I try to engage then I just get too worked up so my default response is generally to nod and smile, say nothing, and then do whatever I intended on doing in the first place.

That would drive me potty. I never get why grandparents seem to think that overnight stays are a given. It’s your child, you make the decisions.

It baffles me that anyone would want to have a baby overnight and all that involves - nappies, bottles, waking several times a night. Most parents wish that they didn’t have to do it, so why in God’s name anyone would actively pursue the idea is beyond me.