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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be worried about discussing money?

53 replies

Neverquitegoodenough · 10/03/2021 06:45

Nc'd for this but longtime member and poster!

I just wondered if its right to be worried about discussing money if things are tight?

Dp is self employed. Apart from lockdown 1 he has been pretty much working all the time but not as many jobs and he has had to take some lower paid work to ensure that money has still been coming in.

Overheads are pretty high and the goods cost the same whatever he charges for doing the job. We ticked over ok up to Christmas, being careful, but this lockdown means the private home work has dried up and the construction stuff he has been doing has been less.

We are waiting for three biggish invoices to be paid but as they are from companies we can't rush them...they will all be in by end of next week but over the next week we have a lot of big bills going out. This means that tomorrow we are going to have to go into the overdraft by quite a significant amount.

I need to discuss this with him but it makes me sick with worry. I do all the finances and he has no real interest, until we have none then it is my fault. But he knows the outgoings and I told him a couple of weeks ago that we had a lot going out at this time.

I can hear him now...why didn't you tell me?...but I did however somehow it will still be my fault. I do have to tell him as there will be an alert from the bank but aibu to be so worried about discussing this? Do any of you feel like this when money has to be talked about?

Yabu ..... this is my issue get over it!
Yanbu..... no I shouldn't be made to feel like this

OP posts:

ReverendRicketyCricket · 10/03/2021 08:00

It doesn't seem right to me that you should be living in fear of discussing an important everyday issue with your partner. Does that seem right to you?

Carolina24 · 10/03/2021 08:12

I don’t think it’s normal to be so anxious about this. I would never be fearful of talking about money with my husband. I know he’s on my side whatever happens.

Is your DP difficult about money? It sounds from your post like he might be. If so I can see why it makes you anxious, but it’s not a normal or good way to have to live.

shivawn · 10/03/2021 09:46

I have no problem ever discussing money with my partner, not that he has much interest in it. I swear if I didn't tell him he'd have no idea whats in the bank account, but I like staying on top of things myself so its fine. I think its important to be able to talk openly so that you're both on the same page and you can find solutions to problems together.

Reinventinganna · 10/03/2021 09:51

Bit of both. You shouldn’t feel that you can’t discuss it.
Do you work?

Shoxfordian · 10/03/2021 09:56

No you shouldn’t feel like you can’t discuss things, how can you be a real team if you can’t talk to him?

LittleOwl153 · 10/03/2021 09:57

You definately shouldn't feel that you can't discuss this with him. And should not be made to feel it is your fault (unless of course you have been making some very frivolous purchases!) After all presumably these bills are joint responsibility - for your home etc!

kayakingmum · 10/03/2021 09:57

I understand why you are worried.
I wondered if you work too.
What would you like him to say/do?
It sounds like he is already working really hard.
The conversation would probably go better if you could suggest a solution as well as raise the problem- ie think of a way to cut costs and/or earn more money.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/03/2021 10:20

Might it help by approaching it by talking about ways to get money in faster, to improve cashflow, because if his work involves having large upfront costs and working for large companies who almost always take an age to pay, it's going to be a permanent issue.

Can you improve your credit terms for purchase of materials - even using a credit card will give you a few weeks free credit.

A credit account with your suppliers.

Ask for a deposit to cover materials?

Offer a small discount for payment within a shorter period?

Review his rates to make sure he's charging enough?

Obviously only you know whether any of the above are appropriate for the line of work he's in, but if you're short of money because there's always a lag between doing the work and spending money to do it and receiving payment, you need to find some way of bridging the gap, as cost effectively as possible.

Original poster

Neverquitegoodenough · 10/03/2021 10:30

Thank you all for your replies.

I do work. My job has not been furloughed and if anything workload has increased. I am in admin and my wages pay all of the bills for the house where we live...he moved in with me.

I make no frivolous purchases....I need new clothes desperately but haven't brought any since before the pandemic simply to save money (I was stitching the wire back into one of my bras last night to save money!)

He does work hard but pays the full housing costs (mortgage is in joint names still and no chance of that changing) for his ex and kids plus maintenance and therefore contributes nothing to the rent for our house but does pay for food and other bits. Because he works hard he considers it ok when he treats himself. He also considers any time off he has to be his for gaming or his hobby which means that I also shoulder the majority of the housework. Actually all of it. His kids are older and he tends to see them out more than them coming here these days...they are great kids and no issues there.

His hobby isn't cheap (not cycling but really very unusual so don't want to say) and over the last year he has spent thousands on it.

I have told him so many times how much his outgoings are but whenever we have a financial conversation it's like he's surprised. He makes it so difficult to discuss that I have just tried to manage it all without bothering him but then I am just accused of being secretive and lying to him.

Didn't mean to drip feed but didn't think of some of the points that would be relevant as I was just wondering if I was being unreasonable to be anxious!

OP posts:

kittycorner · 10/03/2021 12:30

Yikes @Neverquitegoodenough so it isn’t that there isn’t enough, it is that he spends thousands on fun, has a family he has to support and only covers food as contribution in your relationship??

superram · 10/03/2021 12:33

He is financially abusive and he either pays his way or you kick him out.

Palavah · 10/03/2021 12:42

So he lives rent-free and you do all the housework?

zaffa · 10/03/2021 12:55

No that's not ok OP. I too look after all the finances here (mostly because I bothered to install the app so I can see our bank account online easily!) and things have been super tight as DH took redundancy and then a 2/3 payout to retrain as a teacher. I have never been worried about discussing finances from the view that DH would react badly. Obviously I've worried about discussing them from the view of 'how will we solve this cash flow problem' but never worried that DH would blame me.
Also - your partner is still supporting a whole other family? I really think he needs to be moving out and sorting that out before committing to a life with you - he needs to cut his cloth and pay his way - right now you are cutting your cloth and his!

Bills2pay · 10/03/2021 13:47

In the nicest possible way you cannot afford to continue subsidising him and his family OP. He saw you coming! He either pays 50% of all your bills excluding your mortgage or moves out.

BigPaperBag · 10/03/2021 16:57

We have a finance meeting at least twice a month to go through everything and it really helps. Nothing should ever be off limits when it comes to money and don’t feel worried about talking to him about it.

HollowTalk · 10/03/2021 17:11

This is out and out financial abuse, OP. Do you have children together? If not, I'd tell him to get out and go to his house that he is paying for. Your perception of what's fair seems really skewed, tbh.

Naunet · 10/03/2021 17:16

So he spends thousands on his hobby whilst you can’t afford a new bra?!! How is this in any way fair?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/03/2021 17:18

Goodness me! This is no way to live.

user1471538283 · 10/03/2021 17:23

Hang on. You are subsidising him and he gets upset when the money runs out? He spends alot of money and you cant afford a new bra?

I would stop this right now. He pays his share of rent and utilities. If he chooses to pay the mortgage for a house for his children but that doesn't mean he sponges off you.

I think you would be better on your own

Lochmorlich · 10/03/2021 17:25

Get rid.

RandomMess · 10/03/2021 17:42

He is financially irresponsible and you are enabling it.

He's become a cocklodger

StarCourt · 10/03/2021 17:43

Unless there's more drip feed to come my question is why are you allowing this?

wandawombat · 10/03/2021 17:50

Last time I said we run our marriage like a business (as we have a complex financial set-up), I was told I was a child of Thatcher If you're running a business, then you do need to be on top of cashflow. It's what sinks otherwise good businesses.

Suspect this is some form of gaslighting...

Cocomarine · 10/03/2021 17:54

What are the big bills that need to be paid next week?

Because if they’re related to his business (e.g. a van loan not in your name) and they’re not yours, I’d just tell him to fuck off.

In the nicest way, why are you with him?
You’re bankrolling him, let him live for free.
So he pays for food? Every time? Even if so - bet he’s eating more than half of it.
You’re paying his living costs and no it’s not because all his money is going on his marital home - because he’s got plenty left for Expensive Hobby.

On top of taking the absolute piss out of you financially:

he expects you to manage his money for him
he has the bare faced cheek to be rude to you about his money
he does no housework

What a catch!

If my husband had asked me to be the mug managing his money, my vagina would have spasm shut, because I don’t date people who can’t manage their own money.

As you’re paying the bills in your house, the only calculations I’d be making right now are how quickly I could dump his pathetic user arse.

Ikora · 10/03/2021 17:59

What an absolutely awful BF you have.
Get rid of him.

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