Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Aibu to be worried about discussing money?

53 replies

Neverquitegoodenough · 10/03/2021 06:45

Nc'd for this but longtime member and poster!

I just wondered if its right to be worried about discussing money if things are tight?

Dp is self employed. Apart from lockdown 1 he has been pretty much working all the time but not as many jobs and he has had to take some lower paid work to ensure that money has still been coming in.

Overheads are pretty high and the goods cost the same whatever he charges for doing the job. We ticked over ok up to Christmas, being careful, but this lockdown means the private home work has dried up and the construction stuff he has been doing has been less.

We are waiting for three biggish invoices to be paid but as they are from companies we can't rush them...they will all be in by end of next week but over the next week we have a lot of big bills going out. This means that tomorrow we are going to have to go into the overdraft by quite a significant amount.

I need to discuss this with him but it makes me sick with worry. I do all the finances and he has no real interest, until we have none then it is my fault. But he knows the outgoings and I told him a couple of weeks ago that we had a lot going out at this time.

I can hear him now...why didn't you tell me?...but I did however somehow it will still be my fault. I do have to tell him as there will be an alert from the bank but aibu to be so worried about discussing this? Do any of you feel like this when money has to be talked about?

Yabu ..... this is my issue get over it!
Yanbu..... no I shouldn't be made to feel like this

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 10/03/2021 17:59

What on earth have I read - you pay for everything and you seem to have joint finances that he spends on his hobbies.

He does no housework either

Why are you with him - this is not a relationship - why are you with him he is causing you anxiety and distress

MixedUpFiles · 10/03/2021 18:06

This is ridiculously simple. There needs to be a review of the business books at least once a month. He needs to be drawing his income from the business only to the extent there is truly income and paying towards responsibilities first and frivolities only when they are affordable for both of you.

LightOfMyLife21 · 10/03/2021 18:08

How would he support himself if he didn't live with you? He'd have to pay rent, bills etc he's taking you for a ride. How do you even know he's giving all of that money to his ex?

Bourbonbiccy · 10/03/2021 18:51

Sorry, I feel like I have this all wrong.

Your DP has a business
You work outside of that business but are furloughed
You are the unofficial "accounts department' for his business as he can't deal with the detail of the finances
He lives for free as he pays for his kids home, so feels that allows him to live for free.
He does no housework
He spends any free money and time on his hobby (that is so outing it can't be mentioned )
Blames you for his bad financial management

Is that right, sorry I do genuinely feel for you if I have it right, because I'm not seeing what you are getting from this ?

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/03/2021 18:55

You’ve got yourself a cocklodger. He needs to be paying half the rent/mortgage, bills and food before he spends thousands on his hobby. And then you’ll be able to buy a new bra.

If he doesn’t think that’s fair, seriously LTB.

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/03/2021 18:56

And he needs to do half the chores too! FFS!

Original poster

Neverquitegoodenough · 10/03/2021 19:33

Hi all, thank you for your replies.

Genuinely no real further drip feed...it is how I have written it (I'm not furloughed luckily). And to the pp who said earlier I bet he eats most of the food...yes he does! He smokes as well, I gave up nearly 3 years ago but he hasn't.

I knew the situation when he moved in....he made it very clear...but initially he would treat me, take me out, help with housework. It was fun, I loved him, and it seemed as if things were fairer. We both have dc but not together.

He has changed. Or maybe he hasn't? Maybe I was just too blinded to see it or maybe he hid it until he was well sorted?

The thing is I don't want him here anymore. Reading back over this thread has made me realise what an idiot I have been.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/03/2021 19:36

Do you need any support in asking him to leave?

An0n0n0n · 10/03/2021 19:56

Of course he hid it.

If he's put the deal on the table as it is now, back when you were stronger and not filing for him you'd never have taken up the 'offer' for him to move it and treat you like this.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 10/03/2021 20:07

You ‘loved’ him. Telling slip up there, OP. Time ton love him on and spend your left over money on yourself instead of on him.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 10/03/2021 20:08

agghhh. Time to move on

Cocomarine · 10/03/2021 20:38

I think that’s a good decision.
Think how lovely it will be not to smell cigarettes around him, not to have him contributing to the amount of housework that only you do, to have time to relax when you would have been doing his money for him, to no longer feel that anxiety about his badly managed money and you copping the blame for that... bliss!

And of course no longer providing a shit role model to your own children.

If any of the big invoices being paid in the next couple of weeks are needed to pay anything you’re liable for, then I’d hold your tongue til then. Otherwise - get him gone!

Original poster

Neverquitegoodenough · 10/03/2021 20:45

@RandomMess

Do you need any support in asking him to leave?

How do I do it?

I mean I am nearly 50 and don't know how to do this!

None of the big bills going out over the next week are mine.

I haven't been happy for so long. To the pp who said imagine how it will feel....you are right. It would feel so so free. None of this worry or anxiety. I'm just so scared of doing it and I don't know why. I am hopeless at confrontation and he will be devastated.

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 10/03/2021 20:54

Get support from your friends or family. Have them around if you need them (ignore Covid). Don't try to pay his bills next week. Tell him it's over tomorrow morning and have his stuff packed and on the doorstep when he gets back. Have the locks changed in between.
Call Women's Aid for advice if you need it. If you think he'll be violent, definitely have someone with you, and don't see him alone again. Don't even think that you have to give him a reason. This isn't working for you. That's all. (He knows he's been a lazy cocklodger).
Good luck OP. Your life is about to get a lot better.

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/03/2021 21:02

Of course he’ll be devastated, he thought he could get away with this forever.

Just tell him it’s over, give him a few weeks to move out if you’re feeling generous.

Laureline · 10/03/2021 21:02

He’s a dirtbag.

Cocomarine · 10/03/2021 21:03

I wouldn’t pay the bills next week, if it is from your account or a joint account?

If it’s not solely his accountant, I would cancel your overdraft facility and let them bounce. He can easily sort them when his payments come in a week later.

I think you’ll find telling him comes naturally the minute he blames you when he gets the bank warning!

Otherwise, good timing will be when he gets those payments. But - it’s not your problem. You don’t have to house him. And don’t listen to a single word about no money - he can sell his special hobby equipment, that you effectively paid for. Many AirBnBs are cheaper at the moment, being let as housing rather than holiday lets - but that’s not your problem.

You don’t have to justify this to him. We are all allowed to end a relationship whenever we damn well please. If he gets difficult, call the police.

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/03/2021 21:03

Is it a joint account that’s going to go overdrawn?

Original poster

Neverquitegoodenough · 10/03/2021 21:14

@AnathemaPulsifer

Is it a joint account that’s going to go overdrawn?

No....we have separate accounts for everything but full visibility and access to all.

One of the bills goes out tomorrow. Instead of talking to him tonight about it I'm just going to let it go...he will get an alert from the bank and when he does that may be the time to do it.

OP posts:

user1471462115 · 10/03/2021 21:19

Change your passwords NOW to your accounts so he can’t access them and transfer money to pay his bills.

RandomMess · 10/03/2021 21:27

Literally tell him it's over and he needs to move out.

Are you the only named tenant on the rental agreement?

RandomMess · 10/03/2021 21:29

If you are both on the tenancy then speak to the lettings agent about serving notice and taking it on in your own name unless you want to move anyway?

Therealjudgejudy · 10/03/2021 21:33

I'm so glad you realise you are being completely taken advantage of. For every cent of you money he scroungers off you, you could have a nice life for you and your children.

This man is a manipulative scumbag

Original poster

Neverquitegoodenough · 10/03/2021 21:42

@RandomMess

Literally tell him it's over and he needs to move out.

Are you the only named tenant on the rental agreement?

Yes the tenancy is in my name only thank goodness.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/03/2021 21:51

That's great news. He has no right to be there so if need be you can ask for assistance from the police.

He has a mortgaged home with his name on the deeds he can move back into unless his ex has an occupation for it. Regardless not your problem.

Give him a week maximum to move out, if he argues reduce it to 48 hours!! There are always rooms in shared houses to rent.

Any aggressiveness towards you call the police.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread