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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why my DH is downplaying my injury?

75 replies

RightYesButNo · 07/03/2021 09:28

So yes, my DH and I have a good relationship; we communicate well, and I have a difficult chronic illness that we manage to get through by using a lot of humor to cope, which makes this all the more bizarre.

A few weeks ago, due to my illness, I fell and absolutely did it to my ankle. Tore one ligament, partially tore five more, have bone bruises and bone marrow edema (I didn’t even know what that was!). It had an almighty bruise that a nurse in A&E said was truly impressive. (I’m so proud.) It’s now in a cast, I’m having to use a wheelchair most of the time, and crutches. It’s been a pain in the arse. Which brings us to the bizarre thing.

Twice now, I’ve heard my husband telling colleagues on Zoom calls that I’ve just “twisted my ankle,” with sort of a tinkly laugh (can’t fucking believe I’m using that phrase). Erm, what? I tore a bunch of ligaments, and can’t even carry my own tea around the house. I’m still icing it three weeks later. I know I’ll never know unless I just ask him, but... I suppose I’m so saddened that maybe he’s finally embarrassed by having the “always sick wife” (shite, now I’m tearing up).

Any ideas why he’s downplaying it OR why it even bothers me, or do I have to get over myself and ask?

YABU - It’s probably nothing; maybe he just doesn’t want to share with colleagues and it shouldn’t bother you
YANBU - It does sound a little strange and would bother me; maybe he’s worn out from coping

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/03/2021 09:29

Yabu, why would they need to know?

ApolloandDaphne · 07/03/2021 09:31

I reckon he doesn't want to over share with his colleagues and wants to keep things professional. He also might not want them to think he is having to help you a lot and not managing his work. My DH keeps things like that light with his colleagues too as he is massively private. Is he being helpful and nice to you otherwise?

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 07/03/2021 09:34

Ankles are funny. They are either ‘broken’ = painful, max sympathy allowed or ‘not broken’= twisted, limited sympathy.
I expect your husband knows how awful this is but also that people tune out if it not “broken”- despite how inaccurate that is (I snapped a ligament, it was truly AGONY, you have my deep sympathy!) so he didn’t want to go into it.
This worry sounds like your projection, which doesn’t make it any less valid, but maybe you are concerned that he’s feeling burned out from caring and feel defensive before the fact. All you can do is have a talk with him and be prepared to listen. I hope your foot gets better soon!

lottiegarbanzo · 07/03/2021 09:34

Is he not just being British, down-playing things?

Is there any element of not wanting to give colleagues the impression that he's unable to work at full capacity because he's busy helping you?

Why do you feel his colleagues need to know the details of your medical situation? Are they good friends too? Your friends?

Bagelsandbrie · 07/03/2021 09:36

Are you sure he just can’t be bothered to explain? I’m sorry you’ve had such a horrible injury but it sounds really complex. Maybe it’s just easier to say you’ve twisted it?

gamerchick · 07/03/2021 09:36

@ApolloandDaphne

I reckon he doesn't want to over share with his colleagues and wants to keep things professional. He also might not want them to think he is having to help you a lot and not managing his work. My DH keeps things like that light with his colleagues too as he is massively private. Is he being helpful and nice to you otherwise?
That was sort of my thoughts as well. Why don't you talk to him about it?
Soggybread · 07/03/2021 09:40

I agree, he doesn’t want to overshare with colleagues, giving them the grisly details would be weird. In that sense you’re being entirely unreasonable.

If he’s not being sympathetic directly to you, then you are not, and he is an arse.

FWIW I would not want him sharing any details with colleagues if that were me.

CoffeeRequiredNow · 07/03/2021 09:40

I do this sometimes because I can't be bothered with the 20 million follow-up questions:

How did it happen?
Is she ok?
How is she managing in a wheelchair?
Is she in much pain?
What did the doctor say?
How long will she be on crutches?
Do you need groceries dropped off?
A bone marrow what???

And so on and so on. Sometimes it's easier to minimise.

As long as he is treating you well and caring for you I really wouldn't worry. In fact, I'd probably thank him for trying to maintain your privacy!

picklemewalnuts · 07/03/2021 09:42

I understand where you are coming from. I have a chronic illness and would like someone to be, basically, interested. I don't go on about it. I wouldn't want to go on about it. It would be nice to feel someone was interested though!

There may be other times he is uncaring, I'm not sure this is a big one though.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 07/03/2021 09:47

Ouch!! That sounds super painful I really hope it heals soon, however i think with DH He’s just trying to keep things light and professional, I don’t think he needs to spend work time on the clock explaining everything - you might find because you have a chronic illness you’ve become quite au fair and comfortable with medical terminology, my parents/grandparents/other family all work in the NHS and use proper medical terms for things and explain things in detail and I am used to it, so for example the use of the word edema to me just means swelling but non medical familiar people are like edema what? What’s that? Is it a tumour?! And you would have to explain it all Grin

I don’t think your dh meant to downplay how much pain your in, but it serves no one really for him to be giving all the details, hammering home how awful it is, over a work call. I have had colleagues a bit like that, they would be off for an injury or minor illness and when they come back they really overshare or what seems to me almost exaggerate things and I you can see people almost visibly roll their eyes.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 07/03/2021 09:47

I think it's how he acts with you that's important. If he is looking after you and supporting and helping you. If so I woukdnt care what he said. If it's a bunch of colleagues on a zoom meeting or something then I wouldn't really want to go into details either, it's just easier to say twisted.

Roselilly36 · 07/03/2021 09:50

I agree with previous posters, why would he want to share details with colleagues? None of their business. As long as he is being kind to you, don’t read too much into it.

Aprilx · 07/03/2021 09:52

I injured my ankle ligaments twenty years ago, I was in plaster for six weeks and crutches for about three months but it would still be reasonably accurate to say I twisted my ankle. I think your husband has chosen not to discuss your medical conditions in detail with his colleagues, why would he. So I agree with your YABU.

Hercules12 · 07/03/2021 09:52

Op - would your work colleagues be interested to hear about your dh's injuries? I know I wouldn't and certainly wouldn't require details. If he'd gone into details I would inwardly be thinking he's not able to work properly as caring for you.

SionnachGlic · 07/03/2021 09:56

If they are colleagues, maybe he just doesn't want to overshare about your personal/medical information. I wouldn't like my DH giving his colleagues, some of whom I have never met, too much info about me. Vague details of ankle injury & X many weeks recovery time would be quite enough. If his colleagues are mostly men, unless the injury happened on a pitch or a bike accident (when they are pretend competing in the Tour de France🙄)...they are probably not all that interested. Plus if it is a work call maybe its bare minimum personal conversation & just wanting to move on to business. If it was family & friends, I'd likely attribute any downplaying to not wanting to overly worry them but otherwise happier to give more details. I don't tell family when I have health concerns as a few medics in there who would just go on about whose care you are under to wanting to ph consultant themselves....like patient is some moron who doesn't understand any medical matters. One of them (medical) also catastrophizes so would be talking worst case scenarios & measuring for the coffin...also would endlessly talk about it. I prefer a different kind of support, the underplay, breezy, fun kind so I just don't share unless for some reason I have to. Your DH may be just the same, trying to keep some things separate & respecting your privacy.

ParadiseIsland · 07/03/2021 09:57

I too have a chronic illness so I think I get where you are coming from.

Assuming he hasn’t changed his behaviour with you

That’s the sort of thing I can see someone saying to colleagues to placate them. Enough to explain let’s say the wheelchair in the background but also giving the clear message he won’t talk about your health issues with them.

However, the fact you are tearing up about it tells me this last episode is a bit like the last straw that broke the camel’s back. And you are struggling with your illness altogether, the restrictions it brings (made worse by the ankle), the effect it has on your life and relationhsip.
Have you ever had counselling specifically a round your illness?

Lexilooo · 07/03/2021 09:57

He's doing the right thing and not sharing excess details of your injury/medical condition with people who have no need to know.

OverweightPidgeon · 07/03/2021 09:58

To be honest I don’t think anyone else would be that interested in a colleague’s wife’s injury , so for him to go into detail would just be a waste of time. I had a colleague who would go into great detail about her husband’s condition and I used to glaze over after a while. He’s just keeping it simple .
I hope you get better soon x

Pyewackect · 07/03/2021 10:00

Compassion fatigue.

MedusasBadHairDay · 07/03/2021 10:01

YANBU OP. I get why others are saying he probably doesn't want to overshadowed with work colleagues, but he could just say you've injured your ankle without going into detail. Pretending it's a different (lesser) injury and combining that with laughter sounds really dismissive and minimising to me.

Is he in the habit of minimising your pain? It's tough when you have a chronic condition, people do have a tendency to see you as being "a bit dramatic", and playing down what you are dealing with.

Btw, there are a few chronic pain threads running if you needed a space to vent or some support - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/general_health/4161868-Would-anyone-be-interested-in-a-chronic-pain-board

TillyTopper · 07/03/2021 10:03

Why on earth would your DH want to share the details of your injury with colleagues? And why would you want him to?

I think YABU, to colleagues you just give the basics if they need to know/if it comes up.

YouAreYourBestThing · 07/03/2021 10:05

OP, with the very greatest sympathy...you need to cut your DH some slack here!

His colleagues really will not want to know anything about your ankle 🤦‍♀️ Honestly...they won't care, and he would sound like a right twat going into a long, detailed description of your injury! I'm not sure why you think he ought to have told them to be honest! Why?? This kind of conversation is for close family only, or friends who really want to know (some don't, so you need to reign it in even with friends!). Definitely, absolutely, not for your husband to share with his professional colleagues!

Rosieposy89 · 07/03/2021 10:05

I think you're being precious about it tbh. If my husband hurt himself, I wouldn't go into the details of his injuries with my colleagues unless they were a close friend because it wouldn't feel appropriate, I certainly wouldn't do it at a staff meeting. At least he acknowledged that you did twist your ankle to them

user1493413286 · 07/03/2021 10:08

I guess it would lead to a lot of questions from them and he perhaps just doesn’t want to get into it and feels private about it

OverweightPidgeon · 07/03/2021 10:22

Also, we have a family member in hospital at the moment and I just haven’t got the energy to keep giving long winded updates to people and contending with all the questions and ‘advice’ on what we should be saying to doctors etc . So if people ask, I just say the person is fine (they aren’t at all fine).